sleep deprivation

There Are Things More Heartbreaking Than Sleep Training A Baby
BabiesParenthood

There Are Things More Heartbreaking Than Sleep Training A Baby

by Jill
written by Jill

“Don’t let your baby cry themselves to sleep! They are only little for so long. It doesn’t matter what this study says. This is heartbreaking! Don’t be lazy! Just go to them!” 

That sums up quite a few reactions I saw across social media, even in my personal news feed after a study was released in May of this year that concluded that it’s actually fine to let babies (6 months+) cry themselves to sleep when a “graduated extinction” method was used. Basically, that’s when parents let the child cry for graduated lengths of time after checking on them before they finally fall asleep.

“Parents have been told by some experts that children’s stress levels will increase over time with these techniques and they will have behavioral problems, and this study shows very clearly, which I think is the first to do so, that there are no [poor]effects on children’s stress levels…”

That’s the exact method I used on 2* of my children, and I’m here to tell you that NONE of that was because I didn’t have a heart or I was too lazy to tend to them.

*More below on why I didn’t use it on all 3. 

In fact, it gutted me. It shamed me. I stayed up the ENTIRE TIME they were crying, crying to myself most nights.  And most of that shame and heartbreak came from what this must mean about me as a mother- what others say about parents who let babies cry at night.

“Jill, you HAVE to make sleep a priority. She will be fine. Let her cry.”

Those are the words a midwife spoke to me when Leyna was about 10 months old. I explained to her why I’d recently run to the nearest doctor to beg him to see me after I literally thought I was dying from a heart attack, which turned out to be a panic attack, and the lowest point for me when dealing with Postpartum Anxiety. She asked about my sleep patterns and I was honest.

I sleep trained Kendall a few years before, and while I felt guilty about it at the time, it quickly became something I was glad I did.

With Leyna, though, I was struggling with PPA. And the thing that sucks about PPA and PPD- one thing, at least- is it makes you question your parenting decisions all the time. Also, the sound of a crying baby caused a physical response in me that I can only compare to an electric current jolting through my body.

So I was in this awful place where I NEEDED sleep. I could. not. handle. the sound of her crying (which happened about every 3 hours at night), but I was too afraid and ashamed to sleep train her because I didn’t trust that that was a sound choice, and the judgement surrounding that choice made me feel even worse for simply considering it.

Want to see that place in all it’s raw realness? Check out this post I wrote when Leyna was a little over a year old. Read the comments if you’re feeling adventurous. *Then follow that up with a post I wrote when Lowell was about the same age. 

And so I just spent my nights running to her, soothing her, then not sleeping because I was already afraid of the next time she’d cry.

You know how that helped me bond with her? Um, well, it didn’t.

I was a wreck during the days. I couldn’t shake obtrusive thoughts of me accidentally dropping her on her face or a knife somehow flying out of my hands and into her eyes. She didn’t feel real to me for the first 10 months of her life. I screamed, I snapped, I got angry at anything and everything. I obsessed over all the ways everyone in my life would/could die. I didn’t eat.

So yay for not letting her cry herself to sleep! Because that would be heartbreaking, right?

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You know what’s actually heartbreaking? It’s not a baby who cries themselves to sleep while in a loving home with parents who are doing the very best they can.

What’s heartbreaking is a mother who sacrifices her mental health at night so she doesn’t have to feel “lazy” and “mean” for her choices – so she doesn’t have to question her choices at all.

What’s heartbreaking is a mother with a postpartum mood disorder, which can improve significantly with proper sleep, who can’t bond with the baby she’s sacrificing sleep for.

On the extreme end of things, but totally within the realm of reality, it’s heartbreaking when a baby loses a mother to suicide brought on by postpartum mood disorders.

This study, while criticized by many, has been a relief for me. With my 4th baby due in December, I am happy to know going forward that I can make that choice again- to sleep train at 6 months or older- and I don’t need to question it. It’s fine. The baby will be fine.

Don’t feel sad for a baby whose parents are making intentional choices to improve the entire family’s quality of life. It’s really hard to be a present & loving parent during the day when you can’t sleep at night. And babies, more than ANYTHING, deserve present and loving parents.

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I Regret Not Sleep Training My Baby
BabiesParenthoodPopular PostsPostpartum Anxiety & Depression

I Regret Not Sleep Training My Baby

by Jill
written by Jill

Last night was the 7th.. 8th?? night in a row that Lowell has slept at least a solid 8 hour stretch. He’s a year old.

I am a new person. I am more sane. That’s not an exaggeration. The difference in the way I feel and my ability to function this week versus 2 weeks ago is like the difference between a drunk and sober person.

My anxiety is at nearly nonexistent levels, with the help of the sleep and my continued meds. I made the mistake of thinking I could stop the anxiety meds when I started sleeping and feeling so much better last week, but no. I soon learned that was a bad idea when by Saturday I wanted to rip my own skin off at the sound of my kids screaming.

So, back to the meds, which is FINE. Because, truly, the meds and the sleep have put me in a happy place that I haven’t been in in a lonnnnnnng time.

And because I can so clearly attribute this level of clarity and calm to my sudden ability to sleep for 8 hours without waking to a baby’s cries, I am feeling a deep regret for not working to attain this sooner.

Oh yes, I am talking about sleep training. Yes, I’m talking about the kind that would have my not-newborn baby crying in his room for controlled segments of time. I’m talking about the kind of sleep training I did with my other two babies.

I think it’s worth noting that at ages 6 and 3 they both seem to have a sincere love and attachment to me still. You know, for what it’s worth.

I contemplated working on sleep training with Lowell, our 1 year old, since he was about 7 months old. But honestly, in that moment, getting up and putting a boob in a baby’s mouth is easier than listening to cries, which I can never sleep through.

I was so desperate for sleep in that moment, that I couldn’t commit to more sacrifice for the long-term.

Lowell stopped sleeping in our room around 6 months old. I simply could not sleep in the same room with him very well. My anxiety leads to me waking often at the smallest baby noises, and consistently checking on him if he’s in the same room. In the same bed? Forget it. I’m wrecked with nerves. So nursing him while co-sleeping at night beyond 6 months old just was not an option.

exhaustion copy

I needed to sleep-train my baby because of my anxiety. And yet, in large part, it was my anxiety that kept me from doing so. For me, anxiety makes me overanalyze everything and hyper-critical of my own actions.

The voice of my anxiety was telling me that I would hurt my baby. That I’d make him hate me. That I was a bad mom for valuing my sleep over his needs.

My anxiety voice was not making that stuff up on it’s own. It read it in comments all over the internet, on a blog post I wrote about sleep training my daughter after my anxiety peaked with her, and even well-researched blog posts from medical professionals that make some valid points.

This summer, a study was released that summarized that “interrupted sleep can be as physically detrimental as no sleep at all.” I was living that reality. It didn’t matter if I went to bed at 9 and didn’t crawl out for the day until 9 the next morning. I was waking 3-4 times in that 12 hour stretch, and felt like I didn’t get more than a small nap.

Hands down, THE biggest trigger of my anxiety is exhaustion, and so the cycle just kept perpetuating itself. Anxious because I was exhausted. Exhausted because I was anxious.

From where I am now, I look back and really regret not sleep training Lowell, for not at least trying. I regret letting my anxiety amplify those voices and fears, for letting them be louder than my need for self-care.

I regret not recognizing that while, yes, his cortisol levels may shoot up, causing distress for a few nights, he’d have wound up with a more present, less anxious, and much happier mom much sooner.

This isn’t me trying to convince anyone to sleep train their baby. The deeper message here is that I regret letting voices and the judgements of people I don’t even know or care about mean more to me than my own instincts.

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