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Parents Shouldn't NEED A Drink. Words Matter.
Parenthood

Parents Shouldn’t NEED A Drink. Words Matter.

by Jill
written by Jill

How many times have we heard, “Mommy/Daddy I NEED (insert random thing here)” and replied “No, you want that. There’s a difference between needs and wants”?

Is that a common conversation at your house yet? It’s a big one for us lately. My nine year old loves to tell me he NEEDS a gaming mouse. My 7 year old daughter apparently NEEDS a fresh bottle of glittery purple nail polish.

So tell me… have you ever caught yourself saying you “need” a glass of wine or beer or other alcoholic beverage in front of your kids or even just in casual conversation with other adults? I sure as heck have. And, of course, it’s not that I actually did “need” one. I wanted one. And it’s ok to want to have a glass of wine when you’re an adult, but that’s totally different than needing one. And words matter.

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We Have A Tween And We Can’t Parent On Cruise Control
ParenthoodSchool Age Days

We Have A Tween And We Can’t Parent On Cruise Control

by Jill
written by Jill

Over the last year, from when he turned 8 to now nearly 9, has brought probably the biggest growth and transition since Kendall’s first year of life. Physically, sure- he’s HUGE, but emotionally and intellectually? Yeah… that’s the biggest change.

As parents, we started the year off on cruise control. We were there and watching him, but we were letting him do his thing. We were still riding that independence high. He didn’t need help getting in and out of the car, he dressed himself, and he was beginning to take responsibility for his homework all on his own. It was this brief and deceptive window of time where he didn’t need us like he did as a little kid, but we weren’t tackling big kid stuff yet.

We Have A Tween And We Can't Parent On Cruise Control | Babyrabies.com

This post is sponsored by Responsibility.org as part of their #TalkEarly ambassador program.

We weren’t having the serious conversations, we weren’t being intentional and proactive about things like what he may be hearing on the news or things he may find online.

Yeah, he’s online occasionally. He doesn’t have any social media accounts, and we don’t give him free reign of Google, but there are times he winds up in the land of YouTube or a search for something like “how to kill the boss in Zelda” takes him somewhere we’d rather he not go. We’ve had to find a balance between teaching him to use online tools, which he uses just as much for homework help and out of curiosity as he does for help beating a video game, and giving him only enough of those tools to find what he really needs.

Total honesty here- we are constantly working on this, and I feel like we suck at it most days. I am not here to give you expert advice on how to handle this. Parenting a nearly 9-year-old is hard, y’all. That moment when you realize that all the baby and little kid stuff is behind you but what is right in front of you is horrifying? Yeah, we’re there.

So the last few months have been a jolt. We’ve had to shake ourselves out of cruise control parenting and jump right in with the deep conversations, and the intentional listening. We’ve had to make thicker, purposeful boundaries. And we’ve had to take responsibility, really forcing ourselves to look at where we’re lacking.

There have been moments where I’ve felt like we’ve screwed this whole thing up, and that he would be forever damaged by it. I’m a bit of an alarmist like that sometimes. Thanks, anxiety.

But just like when he was a baby and we “messed up” – maybe we poured his bath too hot or we turned his carseat forward facing too soon- we learned from the experience, and we changed. We took responsibility for our missteps, and we all became better for it.

Now, from online use to social media, and navigating peer pressure and alcohol use- seeing where we’re lacking, owning up to it, coming up with a plan- is going to have to be what takes us through parenting.

Responsiblity.org interviewed Doctor Gilboa, author of the blog Ask Doctor G and Responsibility.org advisory member, about how to help our kids navigate digital spaces, and this question and answer were both super insightful for me.

FIRST OF ALL- Kendall is a tween?? Like, I don’t know why this hasn’t occurred to me yet, but I’m not ok with it. At all.

Anyway, the question and answer… I hope you glean a little wisdom from this, too.

Question: According to a 2015 study conducted by Common Sense Media, tweens, defined as kids ages 8-12, spend 6 hours/day consuming media. It is common for tweens and young kids to “multi-task”-  or play on a device while also sitting in front of the TV. What is your advice for parents with younger kids, even those with kids as  young as 6-10, who have children using tablets, cell phones, or laptops while watching TV? How do parents best monitor what their kids are doing and their social media habits?

Doc G Says: “There are three ways to manage these behaviors, and all depend on making boundaries clear to your tween. The first is to know what devices your child has and to have limits on how and when a child may use them. The second is to spend screen time with kids, modeling how you’d like them to use screens and engaging with what they are doing on those screens. The last and most important is to communicate with kids about the purpose of screens in their lives and the ways they use them towards those purposes. Our tweens will soon be teens and then adults; these thoughtful discussions will do more to inform their futures than any rule could.”

We Have A Tween And We Can't Parent On Cruise Control | Babyrabies.com

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Be Intentional
ParenthoodSchool Age Days

Be Intentional

by Jill
written by Jill

I’ve been thinking of getting a tattoo. I don’t have any, and I never, ever thought I’d get any. Not because I think they’re bad, but because I’m so fickle, and I’m certain I’d end up hating it.

I’m not a “word of the year” kind of person any more than I’m a tattoo person, but this year I can’t shake a word. I think of it every day, multiple times.

Intention

I am feeling the weight of a lot of things in life lately, and am trying so hard to be intentional with my time, with my words, with my love, with my commitments.

So I think, maybe, if I were to be the tattoo type, I think I would maybe get “be intentional” tattooed somewhere that would be a constant reminder. I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll go through with the tattoo, but I do think I’ll stick with intention as my word this year… maybe for the rest of my life, or just my 30s. (Did I mention I’m fickle?)

This word didn’t just come to me on January 1st. Throughout my last pregnancy, I felt the pull to trim the fat in my life, and to really focus on what matters- my family. I went to a summit in October last year as a member of this year’s #TalkEarly team for Responsiblity.org. This is my 2nd year, and I am still so honored to get to team up with them to talk to you all about the importance of talking to our kids about alcohol (from as young as 6 years old) and creating lifelong conversations about alcohol responsibility. This post is sponsored by Responsiblity.org. 

Clinical Psychologist Dr. Shefali, and author of The Awakened Family, talked to us about connection and purposeful interactions with our children. It was a significant moment for me that brought that word closer to the surface- intention.

One thing she said that really shook me was “Connection comes before correction, busy schedules, and achievement.” 

talk early

Man, shouldn’t that be the way? I’ve talked a little about how Kendall turning 9 this year is ripping my heart apart. This feels so urgent to me. Nine is busy sports schedules, and homework, and prepping for tests. Nine is getting in trouble- like the kind of trouble you really have to learn from before it becomes big, serious trouble in a few years.

But through all of this, the chaos, the studying, the stern talks, the redirecting, we HAVE to connect with him. We have to do that first. 

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So… intention. I am intentionally making life changes. I am intentionally setting an example for him, and not just trusting he will see me for a mom who really does try hard. I am intentionally putting that connection first as much as I can. And I am intentionally watching my language.

We tell our kids this all the time- “Words matter. Words have power.” So in this year of intention, I’m intentionally trying to keep myself from saying things like, “Mommy is so stressed, she needs a glass of wine.” 

I don’t want this idea to stress you out. I don’t want anyone to finish reading this and feel like there is no room for error when it comes to parenting. In fact, I think kids learn more from our mistakes than our successes. I just want to put it out there that sometimes when you are more intent in how you parent, it relieves stress and that feeling of lost control… at least it has for me… for now.

Thanks to Responsiblity.org for sponsoring this post and having me on the #TalkEarly team for the 2nd year. 

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Deep Thoughts About Wine And Routine
Parenthood

Deep Thoughts About Wine And Routine

by Jill
written by Jill

I went to Target today with Wallace. It was our first solo trip there, and it felt good to return to normal life a little bit. My purchases could not scream “I just had a baby” more: pads, chocolate, baby wipes, newborn pacifiers, wine.

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This post is sponsored by Talk Early. I am honored to be an ambassador for them again this year!

Oh, how I’ve been looking forward to enjoying wine again. I poured some in a tumbler (because I can’t be trusted with stemmed glasses on this little sleep) while I helped Kendall through his homework tonight. I eased back into my old “normal” routine with the comfort of slipping on a broken-in pair of jeans (if jeans without elastic waists actually fit me at this point).

I’ve been thinking about how this familiar routine would come easily after having Wallace, and I did some more thinking about how I want to be more aware of it. I want it to feel less comfortable. I want to rely on it less. Pregnancy is a great detox in many ways. I broke myself of my glass of wine (or two, honestly) every night. And while I don’t think that was ever a problem for me in an addiction kind of way, I am always hyper-aware of it becoming that. I come from a long line of alcoholics. I try to be vigilant, to not let the familiar turn to dependence.

Knowing that my postpartum anxiety will most likely make a re-appearance at some point over the next few months, I’m also mindful not to let my wine routine turn to self-medicating. Ugh. Adulting. These are good thoughts and concerns to have, though, I know.

In 2016, I had the honor of being a part of the Talk Early team for Responsibility.org, and I’m excited to continue to work with them throughout 2017, too. Alcohol responsibility is an issue near and dear to me, one that’s been a large part of my life for as long as I can remember. My parents talked to me about alcoholism from a very early age, and I’m positive that played a huge role in how I approached alcohol as a teen and young adult, and how I still approach it.

As a part of the Talk Early team, I not only get access to tools and research to help facilitate conversations with my own children about alcohol, but I also get to share all of that with you. I think it’s a pretty awesome partnership, and I hope you do, too. I hope you find what I’ve already shared here and what I will share in 2017, on behalf of Talk Early, beneficial.

Oh! And a perk of this awesome gig was a trip to Washington DC back in October (right after we got back from Hawaii) where we did official Talk Early Team things and learned lots of stuff… and then we made this video. I even got to keep the Ugly New Years sweater! Check out my sweet, pregnant dance moves:

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Keep Them Talking
ParenthoodSchool Age Days

Keep Them Talking

by Jill
written by Jill

Keep them talking. I don’t feel confident about much when it comes to parenthood, I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure that’s one of the most important parts. Keep. Them. Talking. In fact, it’s the basis of the #TalkEarly campaign for Responsiblity.org, who is sponsoring this post.

Granted, it’s pretty easy now. The kids are fountains of words somedays- tiny story tellers who couldn’t censor their thoughts if they tried.

I see that wall starting to go up a little, though, especially with my 8 year old.

“What did you do today?”
“Nothing.”
“Who did you play with?”
“My friends.”
“Did you stay out of trouble?”
“Yes.”

Cool story, bro. Thanks for the update.

I don’t need to know all the mundane details of his day, but I press for them anyway, hoping that I’m paving a road that will remain open when the details mean much more in the coming years.

Here are a few ways we’re trying to be there to hear the small stuff, so that one day they’ll come to us with the big stuff:

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Dedicated Listening Times

Some nights, I’d really rather tuck them in quickly and get back to work, or let them all eat dinner in front of the TV so I don’t have to hear the inevitable dinner table whining.

For our family, though, those are two times of the day that we’ve decided to devote our attention to the kids as best we can. 95% of our dinners are at the table as a family, TV off, ears open, no phones allowed, even if what we’re eating came from a drive-through.

Bedtime can become quite the ordeal, and takes longer than I’d like most nights, honestly. But, that time that Scott and I take turns laying in bed with each kid, discussing whatever it is they want to talk about, can give us so much insight into what they’re currently experiencing.

Open Ended Questions That Never Stop

Just because they don’t give us in-depth answers, or they seem annoyed by us, doesn’t mean we’re going to give up trying to initiate the dialogue. It’s not that we interrogate them, but anytime an opportunity presents itself for discussion- in the car, at the grocery store, after witnessing something that we feel we should talk more about- we try to engage them in casual conversation.

It’s less about teaching them a lesson, and more about listening to what they think the lesson is. There’s no “Let’s have a talk about (topic).” We try to let these things come up naturally.

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When All Else Fails, Try Ice Cream

After their first day of school, I took them to a local fro-yo place. We talked in between bites for the first half of our time at the table, until some neighborhood friends showed up.

Of course, it’s not about the ice cream, but about the special time together, doing something fun, and letting the conversation happen naturally. It could just as easily be at the batting cages, or out shopping, or at a basketball game.

#TalkEarly

At ages 8, 5, and 3, our main concerns are finding out if they’re feeling safe at school and other people’s houses, do they feel bullied, are they behaving in appropriate ways- that kind of stuff. It won’t be long, though, before we really need to be a safe landing place for issues like alcohol use.

Hopefully, by talking early, and talking often from young ages about the school day and other small things, they will trust us with the big things later.

I’m honored to be a part of the #TalkEarly ambassador team this year. You can read more about why here. This post was part of a paid campaign for Responsibility.org which promotes alcohol responsibility. 

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Responsibility Starts With Me #TalkEarly
Parenthood

Responsibility Starts With Me #TalkEarly

by Jill
written by Jill

I’m writing today on behalf of Responsibility.org and #TalkEarly. I am honored to be an ambassador for them this year.  I am paid for my involvement, but all opinions are my own.

“You have to learn to take responsibility for your own actions.”

We repeat this phrase over and over again in our house.

Do I care if my kids graduate with stellar grades? Not nearly as much as I care that they grow up to be responsible adults who realize their actions and decisions impact others.

And I will absolutely be the first to admit that that is a hard lesson to learn, and it’s something I still find myself having to fine-tune and re-focus on personally.

10360190_10153388499348769_2237419086078248317_n25 years ago, I perfected the RBF, rocked big bangs that bordered on mullet status, welcomed my baby brother, and Responsibility.org was created. (Also, let’s just acknowledge real quick that Leyna is my sister Kelly’s clone and there’s a lot of Kendall happening in me here.)

25 years ago, responsibility looked a whole lot different for me.

It was getting up and dressed and to school on time, knowing my mom had a newborn to take care of while my dad was out to sea- I was a Navy brat. It was doing homework, and trying super hard to get along with my annoying little sister. It was keeping up with my Pop Warner cheer uniform, and paying attention in practice.

It obviously did not mean applying sunblock on a regular basis back then. I mean, that tan? You guys. That’s not what my skin was made to do. But we lived in Hawaii and it was the 80’s & early 90’s and kids just got sunburnt, like, whatever.

Now, as a mother, responsibility is things like getting my kids dressed and ready for school on time, and keeping up with the 32 forms that come home every single day from their schools. (Remember when I talked about having to fine-tune some things? Yeah, that would be one of them.)

Responsibility is actually putting sunblock on my kids, and then putting the even more expensive, damage-reversing kind on me.

And it’s not just telling my kids they need to take responsibility for their own actions, but showing them that I will do the same. It’s drinking responsibly, and never driving drunk. It’s knowing my limits, and knowing that the kids are watching and learning every time they see me take a sip of wine. They are observing what I do next.

I talked about my relationship with Responsibility.org at the beginning of the year, and why I’m personally connected to the cause. (Our family has dealt with a lot of pain and loss because of alcohol and addiction.)

It’s not enough to preach responsibility to our kids. We all know this. We know the “do as I say, not as I do” line of thinking is BS.

But just as important as behaving responsibly in front of them, especially when it comes to alcohol, is also talking about times we and those we love have had to own up to our own bad choices and the consequences that followed, and take responsibility for those.

To me, that’s the final part of what responsibility is like for me now, it’s honesty and continuously working on myself, and it’s letting my kids see that happen, and hearing about why that’s so important.

I love that the #TalkEarly campaign encourages us to explore this theme- that responsibility starts with us. It’s a good reminder to all of us that our kids are watching and learning, and if we’re lucky and we do this right, they’ll do what we do, not just what we say to do.

I hope you’ll also take some time to think about what responsibility means for you now and how you can use that to #talkearly with your kids about responsible alcohol consumption.

Happy 25th anniversary Responsibility.org!

 

 

 

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It’s a Big Deal, It’s Not a Big Deal- When Mom & Dad Drink
Parenthood

It’s a Big Deal, It’s Not a Big Deal- When Mom & Dad Drink

by Jill
written by Jill

I’m writing today on behalf of Responsibility.org and #TalkEarly. I am honored to be an ambassador for them this year. I think you’ll understand why after reading this post. I am paid for my involvement, but all opinions are my own.

For the last week, our new family routine is to pile into our bed, all 5 of us, and watch a little bit of a movie (usually whatever Ice Age is on Netflix) before sending the kids to bed.

I typically change into my jammies, too, and sometimes I bring a glass of wine or a beer with me.

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Note: Our bedroom remains untouched since moving in over a year ago. 

It’s not an unusual sight for our kids. They know that beer and wine are “mommy, daddy drinks” and they respect that. It’s not they they are used to seeing us drink a 6 pack every night. It’s just not uncommon for us to have a drink in front of them in the evening.

And it’s equal parts not a big deal and a pretty big deal.

The thing is, I descend from addicts and alcoholics (not including my parents, thank goodness). At least 3 of my grandparents dealt with alcohol and drug abuse. My mom’s father died in a drunk driving accident when my mom was an infant. And I have very vivid memories of my dad’s mom drinking excessive amounts of wine in front of us quite frequently during her visits.

This was all talked about with us (my siblings and me) from a very early age. I grew up knowing how damaging alcohol can be, and I think I formed a healthy respect for it.

So on the one hand, a drink a night in front of our kids is normal, not a big deal. Mom and dad don’t get crazy, we don’t drive drunk, we make sure the kids know this isn’t something they can taste. It’s only ours for now and for a long while.

But on the other hand, it’s part of a larger narrative that will need to happen in our family. One where I pass on the stories of what’s happened to our family because of this, and how we can be susceptible to addiction. I hope that we are leading by example, that we are showing how to responsibly enjoy alcohol without abusing it.

Granted, it’s not like when I reach for a drink at night I’m doing so because I want to teach the kids a lesson, but I am mindful of how it’s perceived by them.

When Responsibility.org asked me to be a #TalkEarly ambassador, I didn’t hesitate to say yes.  Throughout the year I’ll be sharing a little bit about how our family is navigating this conversation with our children (who are young! 7, 5, and 2). Honestly, I’m glad to have this support and motivation to have these talks, and to share them with you all.

One thing the #TalkEarly team really wanted to be clear about was that there is no right or wrong way to handle this with our kids. Some parents choose not to drink in front of their kids at all, and some, like us, do, and use that as an example and conversation starter.

I hope, no matter what your approach is, we can have some valuable discussions this year about how “to be confident about (our) decisions regarding alcohol, model healthy, balanced behaviors, and create a foundation for starting conversations with (our) kids from an early age.” – Responsibility.org

I’d love to hear how you plan to talk to your kids and handle this conversation. I know so many of you have small children. Do you have a plan? Have you even thought about it? Not judging if you haven’t! I mean, we just got them sleeping through the night. It’s a lot to deal with.

TalkEarly

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