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On My Worst Days, On My Best Days
BabiesPostpartum Anxiety & DepressionThe Story

On My Worst Days, On My Best Days

by Jill
written by Jill

I honestly think I could count on one, maybe two hands the number of times I’ve taken all three kids somewhere by myself (outside of back and forth to school).

Scott’s done it more times than I’d even try to count. He often takes all three of them grocery shopping, leaving me here to work… which, to be completely honest, mostly just means leaving me here to be in silence and not feel the urge to scream.

For me, postpartum anxiety means living on edge. It means not only battling the intrusive thoughts, the obsessive fears, and the rapid and shallow rise and fall of my breath, but also this feeling of the walls quickly closing in on me whenever things get out of control. Obviously that’s something I run the risk of often when tasked with caring for 3 kids in public.

On my worst days, postpartum anxiety means truly struggling to get dressed, and then struggling even more to get out the door. I would say it’s a struggle to get out of bed, and it can be, but most days I have no choice because a 10 month old is calling out for me over the baby monitor, and nursing him in a quiet room is calming.

On my worst days, I run the necessary errands, but beyond that, there are no casual trips to the park or the post office or the library with the kids. An outing to the zoo or the pool are COMPLETELY out of question. No. I can not. Can not even deal with the thought of it.

But on days like today, one of the good days, I catch a glimpse of the future. I’m reminded that I will get to the point where taking all 3 somewhere with me, be it mundane errands or epic playdates, will become a non-issue. Granted, I don’t think it will ever be without it’s challenges, but future-me will at least be able to manage the thought of taking them somewhere by myself without fighting back a deep feeling of dread.

Today, I loaded up all 3 kids and took them to the local gym. I signed us up for a family membership, and I dropped the kids off at the on-site childcare. I hopped on a treadmill, unsure what my plan was. All I really expected out of myself was 30 minutes of movement. I gave myself permission to take easy outs. I started out at a decent pace, but told myself it was only for a mile. Then I could go slower. And after 2 miles, I could stop. I could walk. It was my first day in a gym in years.

As my feet found their rhythm, my headphones pounded in my ears to songs I’ve never heard in my life, and didn’t chose, but that Workout playlist on Spotify is the next best thing to a personal trainer. I kept up my pace. I passed one mile. I started to go faster.

I carried on, it wasn’t easy, but I found I craved the feeling of accomplishment more than a rest at every point that I’d given myself permission to back out.

I finished a 5k in 33 minutes.

I walked off that treadmill recognizing that I didn’t just kick that workout’s ass. I kicked postpartum anxiety’s ass. At least for today.

When I see people talk about how to “prevent and/or treat” postpartum mental disorders, exercise is almost always mentioned. And yes, it is powerful. I am really looking forward to incorporating it into my routine… if I can manage to keep a routine. I am really looking forward to that blast of endorphins, and all the other ways it can help me feel better, and get through this.

That said, I want to end this with a little note about the advice to just exercise PPMDs away.

On my worst days, there was no way I could get it together enough to exercise. On my worst days, I couldn’t even get it together enough to feed myself.

For me, the only way I got through all of that and to the point where I could even consider exercise was with getting real help and taking prescription medication.

Yes, exercise and self care can do a great deal to treat PPMDs, but please don’t ever assume it’s all that you or anyone else needs.

My anxiety meds are the life preserver that pulled me to the shore where I can finally stand up on my own two feet and run like hell from PPA.

Speaking of kicking PPA’s ass, please consider donating $10 or more to my Climb Out Of The Darkness fundraiser to benefit Postpartum Progress! There are great prizes up for grabs. More details here.

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Babies

Help Me Raise Money For Postpartum Progress, Win Cool Stuff From Joovy

by Jill
written by Jill

I have a confession to make. When I first started blogging, started really getting to know the sphere of parenting bloggers, and got to know other moms on Twitter, I noticed quite a few of them talked about struggles with postpartum depression/anxiety. Like, a fairly high percentage of the women I knew online.

I hate to admit that for a time I thought it was “trendy,” something these women were deciding to blame stress on. God, I really hate typing that out loud. I hate putting that admission out to the public. It’s not that I thought any of them were making things up. I just figured some were trying to latch onto PPD  so they could give their struggles a name. I mean, there were just so many. That couldn’t possibly be true- that they were ALL struggling with some form of postpartum mental disorder.

What I didn’t realize at the time was what a debt I would owe to those women who were speaking out, sharing their struggles and calling them what they REALLY were. I didn’t realize that a few years later, I would be one of them. And a few years after that I would be one of them again. Without them, I would have never recognized myself in this list of Symptoms of Postpartum Depression & Anxiety (In Plain Mama English).

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PPMDs are not “trendy.” You may hear more and more women speaking out about their struggles, but I assure it’s not because it’s a cool club. I thank God for the women who have come before me, who have shared their stories, who continue to put faces to postpartum mental disorders like postpartum depression, anxiety, OCD, and psychosis.

We are talking about them more because they need to be talked about, beyond the sensationalist coverage they get every time a mom harms or kills her children and/or herself. We are talking about them more because we are part of a movement, because we were helped by the women who talked about them before us.

We are all climbing out of this together. We are reaching out to grab the hands of more women with a PPMD than have been reached out to ever before. We are not going to stop talking about them. We’re not going to stop climbing.

This video of Warrior Moms who’ve climbed out before, who are back in the world again, fills my heart with joy! Mothers, we can do this. If you’re struggling, you can climb out. You WILL get the old you back.

A HUGE thanks to David Gray for letting us use his song “Back In The World Again” from his new album Mutineers for this video. It’s. So. Perfect. 

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Now, we need your help…

whether you’ve been personally impacted or not. Do you know and love a mother in your life? Or a woman or girl who may become a mother? Then this is personal to you.

PostpartumProgressFundraiser

Please consider donating to the Postpartum Progress annual Climb Out of the Darkness fundraiser. On June 21st, I’ll be hiking with my family, and reaching out to other local moms who are also climbing out of their own struggles.

My goal is to raise $5,000 to support the cause.

Will you please consider donating $10? Will you “buy” me lunch? Each $10 or more donation enters you into a drawing for one of several awesome prizes, donated by Joovy. They are thrilled to support this community and this cause, and I’m so appreciative.

Here’s what up for grabs:

toofold

 

Joovy Too Fold Stroller– An all-in-one all-terrain stroller valued at $800

spoon

 

Joovy Spoon– A contemporary walker (which Lowell is OBSESSED with) valued at $100

BoobGiftSet

Joovy Boob Gift Set– A bottle set, including nipples and breast pump adapters valued at $130

LooPotty

LooStep

Joovy Loo Potty and StepTool valued at $60 together

To be entered to win these prizes, you must donate through my page here. If you’d like to join my team, you can also do so at this link!

Since donations will be accepted through the 30th, I will announce winners the first week of July. Thank you in advance for any and all support, for any way you can help spread the word, and for all the love and support  y’all have shown me in the past as I’ve written about my battle with postpartum anxiety and intrusive thoughts.

Mostly, thank you to the women who spoke out and climbed out before me, the ones who reached a hand out to me and continue to help me climb out today.

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BabiesPostpartum Anxiety & DepressionSchool Age DaysThe StoryToddlers

Mother’s Day Sucked, PPA Sucks

by Jill
written by Jill

Yesterday, Mother’s Day, didn’t go very well, and I’m mad.

The kids fought nearly the whole day, the restaurant we chose for a late lunch served up awful service and sub-par salads. Nothing went as planned. Heck, nothing really was planned. I spent the 2nd half of the day taking a nap in an effort to restart. When I woke, I just wanted to forget it was Mother’s Day altogether.

But it wasn’t the expectations, the arguments, or the long waits for food that angered me. Granted, they agitated me, but what really angered me, what made me want to cry was how badly all that affected me because of my postpartum anxiety.

I. Am. Mad. that postpartum anxiety, something that’s already making motherhood difficult for me, made my Mother’s Day a wash.

I lapsed on taking my meds because my prescription ran out. I took my last dose on Wednesday, got a refill after an appointment on Thursday, but then there was a tornado warning, and then there was Friday (which was just nuts), and then Kendall’s birthday party on Saturday. By Sunday literally all I wanted for Mothers Day was to quickly get to Walgreens to pick up my prescription and a relatively relaxing lunch.

I was so wound up, so jumpy, and everything was so…. loud at that point, that it was nearly impossible to relax. Add to that all the little hiccups that I’m usually able to roll with (or at least not actually lose my mind over), and it was a recipe for disaster.

Then there was the guilt for feeling this way, for just wanting the day to not be about me, when just the sound of my children’s voices made me tense up. There was guilt for not being able to just get over it, to appreciate this day for what it is- another day with my family, which is something I always try to be grateful for… or at least see the silver lining.

Today is looking better. Tomorrow will be even more improved, I’m sure. And the next day? I’m asking for a Mothers Day makeup because I will NOT let that PPA bitch take it away from me.

 

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BabiesCharitable

Because She Helped Me See This Was Something I Could Beat #PostpartumAnxiety

by Jill
written by Jill

I’m not a very religious person, but I believe in God, and I believe in God putting people in my life at times I need them most.

Katherine Stone came into my life in the summer of 2011, and I’m forever grateful. We briefly got to meet each other at Blogher ’11, and I was happy to help her spread the word for her non-profit Postpartum Progress’ fundraising and awareness campaign- Strong Start Day- this time last year.

I never spent much time on her website PostpartumProgress.com prior to that because, well, I didn’t have postpartum depression. So why would I need to?

And yet, as I perused through the information and helpful blog posts before sharing on Strong Start Day last year, and read about the signs of postpartum anxiety, I saw it staring back at me.

My life. My struggles. My battle with irritability, anxiety, and horrific intrusive thoughts in the year after having my 2nd baby, finally in black and white with a name.

In the month that followed, I broke down and got help for my postpartum anxiety, and I’ve been working to get better ever since.

So today is the second year and second Strong Start Day that I’m telling you all about Postpartum Progress and all the AMAZING work Katherine does with it.

She gave me the resources to recognize I was dealing with something concrete, something real, something I could beat. 

In turn, that gave me the power to share my struggles and journey with all of you. In the last year, I can’t count the number of emails, comments, and messages I’ve received from others who suddenly understood exactly what it was that was making their lives miserable. They finally saw postpartum anxiety in themselves, instead of just feeling like a failing mother.

And they got help, too. 

All because of Postpartum Progress, Katherine and her mission to spread this message – that all families have the right to a strong start.

Katherine is raising money for Postpartum Progress so she can continue to inform mothers, and those who support mothers, of the signs and symptoms of postpartum mental disorders, and give them hope and help to overcome it.

Please consider donating to Postpartum Progress, big or small. She has made a world of difference in my life, and I know there are countless other mothers still out there who can be helped by her and the Postpartum Progress mission.

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