Today I share with you this very profound piece of writing by my friend, AND NEW CONTRIBUTOR (YAY! Ya’ll will love her!), Suzanne. She is very, very, very, very, very pregnant.
I say we welcome her with open arms, commiseration, funny jokes, and NOBODY TELLING HER TO RELAX.
Hi, I’m Suzanne. I’m currently 40 weeks and 5 days pregnant with my 3rd child. I currently feel like this:
For the past 5 months the doctors have been warning me to be careful, since they thought I was definitely going to have my baby early due to my high amniotic fluid levels. I have an Olympic-sized swimming pool in my uterus, but apparently my fetus is the Michael Phelps of fetuses and just wants to hang out doing laps.
All my friends and family are sitting next to their phones and computers just waiting for news like this:
But when people ask me “Have you had that baby yet??” I get like this:
Because YES, I TOTALLY HAD THE BABY AND JUST FORGOT TO TELL YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE. Right. That might happen.
My husband is in the Navy and is going to sea soon. Ish. We don’t know exactly when because although the military’s first goal is to protect the country their second goal is to screw up all the plans anyone makes ever. It’s OK, we’re used to it. But the longer I stay pregnant the greater the chances are he might miss my labor and delivery. So we’re both like this:
And my friends who have gone WAY more than 5 days past their due dates and do not want to hear about my FIVE DAYS anymore are like this:
I’ve tried all the things the internet message boards suggest to induce labor (or at least all the things I’m WILLING to try – violent diarrhea isn’t something I can get on board with) and had no results because the internet is full of lies.
I know no one stays pregnant forever and pretty soon I’ll have an outside baby. Then I can start whining about newborn problems instead, like never sleeping and leaking boobs and my hair falling out and post-partum hemorrhoids. Can you believe this is the THIRD TIME I have willingly put myself through this? Mother nature really got me good with the whole “urge to procreate” business.
But between this whining and that whining I’ll get an adorable, squishy baby to cuddle and show off and then I’ll be all like this:
You can follow along with my past-my-due-date-rage updates on Instagram at @bebehblog and eventually you’ll be rewarded with newborn photos too. I make pretty cute kids, so it’s worth it.
Bless yer heart, Suzanne. BLESS IT! You’re exactly as overdue now as I was with Lowell last year before I finally evicted him. The rage was strong with me. I feel your sciatic pain, sister. Welcome to the blog! I truly hope you’re so busy taking care of an outside baby very soon that we won’t hear from you again for a while.
And great job conveying your feels with gifs. Words are hard when there is a 50 lb toddler residing within you.