1. Plan your entire day around taking your children to see the only showing of the only G rated movie at the closest theater- Chimpanzee, 1:00.
2. Busy yourself with the children all morning, including long walks and scooter rides, in hopes that the toddler pushes back her nap long enough to pass out in the cool, dark movie theater while she reclines in her plush stroller.
3. Pay $24 for tickets and snacks.
4. Enjoy how well-behaved your children are throughout the 20 minutes of previews and commercials, eat 50% of the snacks, beg the preschooler to please not drink all his lemonade, hope the potty break can wait until at least half-way through the movie.
5. Ask the preschooler to PLEASE use his quiet voice 150 times.
6. Breastfeed the toddler while holding her feet down so she doesn’t kick over the popcorn during her I-like-to-thrash-like-a-shark-when-I-nurse bit.
7. Witness the quick transformation from well-behaved during the previews to animalistic during the movie.
8. Realize you and your pack now have the full attention of the small audience behind you, wrestle both children back into their seats while whisper-pleaing for the use of quiet voices whilst the narrator of the movie says, “That poor mother really has her hands full.” Forget for a brief moment he’s speaking about a family of CHIMPANZEES.
9. Leave. Early. Like, after 20 minutes of the movie.