mommy wars

This Photographer's Project Takes A Stand Against Mommy Shaming
ParenthoodPhotography

This Photographer’s Project Takes A Stand Against Mommy Shaming

by Désirée
written by Désirée

Parenting is hard and it’s made even harder when you’re worried about being judged and shamed for every move you make.

Abbie Fox, from Foxy Photography, wanted to create awareness around this issue after experience mommy shaming over her choices, and the resulting photo project has been shared more than 54, 000 times.

We got in touch with Abbie to learn more about the story behind her Anti Mommy Shamers Unite project and what the community reaction has been.

Mom shaming online has to one of the most harmful things the community is doing to itself and it can be hard to go a day without seeing it happen. What was the spark that lead you to creating this photography project and how did you get started?

I’ve been shamed for many things that I’ve done in the past, especially when I was a new mom to Maverick, eight years ago. I started with how I fed him, next was how much screen time, and after that it was about rear-facing car seats. People were mean. Friends were mean. It put such a bad taste in my mouth to see all these mommy shaming. I ended up leaving all of the Facebook mommy groups because it just wasn’t worth it.

This Photographer's Project Takes A Stand Against Mommy Shaming

How did the project come together and what was it like meeting all of these families and hearing their stories?

For the last year and a half, I’ve wanted to do an anti-mommy shaming photo project. I knew I wanted to give it my all, so I let the idea grow in my mind until I was 100% ready to make it happen.

I posted about the project in my client VIP group. In the end, 17 women joined in to take part in the photoshoot, which meant 30 kids in total, including my three.

This Photographer's Project Takes A Stand Against Mommy Shaming

The session was chaos, as you can imagine with 30 kids! We did the individual photos first, then the group photo which turned out to be quite comical. Since I had photographed most of these kids from an early age- some of them from their birth- I already knew their stories and it make it even more important to me to share them.

What has the reaction been since you’ve shared the photos on your Facebook page?

To be honest, the reaction has been both good and bad. There have been some nasty comments left on the photos- people trying to make this a negative experience, but we are all banging together to share our stories and to make sure that the entire project isn’t being tainted.

The entire point of the project is to show, through this series of photos, that mommy shaming is alive and well, and the negative commenters are just proving our point.

This Photographer's Project Takes A Stand Against Mommy Shaming

Most of the comments, however, have been overwhelmingly positive:

“I love this. And I love how you advocate for Mommas from all walks.”

“Love this project… ALL children should be loved! Isn’t that we all want?”

“I LOVE this! Mom/parent shaming needs to stop and I love the message you are sending. Every baby is different as is every parent. The best thing ever said to me was that it’s okay to parent differently than someone else or to even parent each of your children different. Because after all they are all different.”

One comment that really stood out to me was this one:

“This made me realize I do Mom shame sometimes. I don’t publicly, but I do internally. I need to be more open minded and not roll my eyes at other people’s decisions.”

To me, if one person can change, then the entire project was a success.

You can find Abbie’s work on Facebook and at foxyphotographylv.com. Click here for more photos from the Anti Mommy Shamers Unite shoot.

This Photographer's Project Takes A Stand Against Mommy Shaming

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How To Opt Out Of The Mommy Wars
Parenthood

How To Opt Out Of The Mommy Wars

by Jill
written by Jill

I felt like before I became I mom I needed to prepare for battle. I’d heard many tales of woe. “Beware the Mommy Wars” they said.

I came into all this quite defensive, naturally. Wasn’t that what I was supposed to do? Pick a side and be prepared to defend it?

8 years in, and let me bestow some of my wisdom on you- you don’t have to fight anyone. There’s no real war. It’s more like a battlefield reenactment that some people choose to dress up for, but there’s nothing at stake for you, nothing for you to lose if you don’t join them.

The Mommy Wars are largely created and perpetuated by media outlets* that certainly have something at stake- page views, engagement, clicks, conversation, ratings. That doesn’t mean they aren’t based on some reality. That doesn’t mean there aren’t parents who suit up and write scathing open letters to each other. It just means you can opt out.

*This includes bloggers, and while I’d like to think I haven’t taken part in perpetuating this, I’m not certain I haven’t. Like I said, I came into this pretty defensive, but I’m always working to allow myself to change.

Realize you never have to pledge allegiance to a side.
Just because you bottle feed or breastfeed or wear your baby or push your baby in a stroller, whatever. None of that puts you in anyone’s camp. It doesn’t assign you to any certain movement. You can do things that both (all?) “sides” do. You don’t have to wear your baby if you breastfeed. You can have a c-section and still join that super crunchy moms group that looks cool and meets up to make organic baby food on the weekend. Don’t let anyone box you in. 

Understand that parenting is deeply personal and emotional for all of us, and none of us will have the same experience with it.
Really think about that and keep that in mind next time someone treats you with what you perceive as judgement. Where is that coming from? Instead of responding back with judgement or criticism either a. walk away or b. acknowledge what’s at the heart of their concern and reply with logic and facts. Then walk away.

And while realizing all this is deeply personal, try not to take things too personally. 90% of the time, someone’s criticism or judgement of your choices will have nothing to do with you. This is basically the “take the high road” approach, and I know it’s very hard to do sometimes.

How To Opt Out Of The Mommy Wars | BabyRabies.comOnline is an awesome place to make mom friends! Spend less time fighting and more time commiserating. Morgan and Jenny are part of my online tribe, invaluable to me, and I’m sure we don’t parent the same way. Who cares? Not us.

Know the difference between judgement and constructive comments, both on the giving and receiving end.
Issues like extended rear facing laws for carseats get a lot of talk time online and in parenting groups. It’s good to talk about these things. We all have our kids’ best interest at heart. A suggestion to not turn your 1 year old around in their carseat just yet doesn’t have to be the first shot in a Mommy War. It’s all about the tone, and about how willing we are to take off our armor. If you come prepared for battle, of course you’re going to feel like people want to fight you. If you approach someone with judgement, they’re going to be defensive.

Be confident in your parenting, and also willing to change.
Nobody is 100% confident in how they parent 100% of the time, at least not any parent that I know. That doesn’t mean you can’t have confidence in the choices you’re making, to the point that you aren’t going to let people who aren’t important to you and your family have a say in changing that. THAT SAID, realize that there’s always room for growth and change. If new studies, advice from those who matter, and experience lead you to change your mind or parenting approach, there’s no shame in that. THIS is the beauty in not pledging allegiance to a side.

Refuse to engage.
After a while, you’ll see a “Mommy War” battlefield reenactment from a mile away. The comments will be pinging at high speed, the shares will be flying, people will be suiting up and preparing to defend. Just… move on. Don’t feel the need to tell them this is pointless, or to try to make peace. Ignore, hide if you must. Walk away from the conversation. Let them fire their fake cannons. Whatever. There’s nothing at stake there for you.

Again, it’s not that the Mommy Wars (or Parent Wars, I guess) don’t exist. They do, and that sucks. Parents can say really shitty things to each other, both online and off (but WHOA online is a shit show sometimes). Once you realize you don’t have to participate, though, and you opt out, it feels real good. Nobody is going to die if you don’t defend them. The “sides” are made up. Those swords aren’t even real. Go get you some more snacks and find an uplifting cat video to watch or something.

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BabiesBloggingParenthoodPregnancy

When Parenting & The Internet Collide- What I’ve Learned

by Jill
written by Jill

The internet has never not been a part of my life as a parent. Some of the first people I told I was pregnant were a bunch of women I’d never met “in real life” on a message board.

Quite a few of those women are still my friends- REAL friends, whether I’ve met them in real life or not. (And I have met quite a few of them, and gone to their kids’ birthday parties, and spent nights in hotels with them.)

My time as a mom on the internet has been like a lesson in human psychology, and it’s taught me a lot about myself and others. Over the past nearly 8 years, I’ve learned a few things that have helped shape me as a friend and mother, both on and off the internet. And I think they are pretty key to thriving in this online life that so many parents have. (You’re probably one of them if you’re reading this.)

IMG_3570_2-2

1. Nobody has this figured out. No matter how confident a blogger or friend on Facebook or message board commenter appears about a certain parenting topic, I promise you they are struggling in other areas. Perfect parents do not exist- not off OR online.

2. But there are some people who desperately need to convince THEMSELVES that they are doing a good job at this, and there are several ways they may go about this:
a. They tell everyone what other people are doing wrong.
b. They emphasize what they are doing right.
c. They put others down to make themselves feel better.

3. In my own personal experience, the times I’ve been most judgmental of other parents have been times I’ve been the most insecure about my own parenting. I can’t speak for everyone, but I would venture to guess that’s kind of how it goes for a lot of people.

4. It’s probably not really about YOU when someone online gets defensive or judgmental with you.

5. But also? You need to check your own gut reaction, and try to understand why you think that person is judging you. Are YOU the one being overly sensitive and defensive? Have they touched on your insecurities inadvertently?

6. Conversely, when you find yourself wanting to point out what you perceive as others mistakes, is that coming from a place of love and concern? Are you doing it in a kind way? Or is it coming from your own desire to make yourself feel better.

Listen, the media is hell-bent on perpetuating this idea of “mommy wars,” but I truly think a very small percentage of parents online are intent on purposefully hurting and calling out other parents in damaging ways.

So we can either keep believing that there is a line in the digital sand that divides us into a fractured circle of millions of pieces, or we can take a deep breath, think about what we’re about to type, and embrace our diversity as a community while refusing to let other’s choices make us feel insecure about our own.

It took me a long time to come to this place, and I still have to catch myself before firing off a snarky response to comments that bring my judgement into question. I’m guilty of all of the above.

I see new parents coming to the internet for advice in Facebook groups, on Twitter, in comment sections, on Instagram, etc. And I want so badly for them all to learn these lessons quicker than I did.

The internet is an AMAZING resource for community, support, advice, and commiseration as a parent. The sooner you can figure out the human element of this technology the better.

I’d love to hear from some of you who’ve done some growing as a parent and person on this beautiful world wide web. In your experience, how have you evolved in terms of your tolerance and views of people who parent differently than you?

**********

I’m planning to talk about and expand upon this when I speak at Miami’s Ultimate Baby Affair on February 6th.  If you’re in the area, I’d LOVE to see you there! Tickets start at only $15, and VIP tickets include a Beco baby carrier! The Baby Guy NYC and Honest Toddler will also be there, and we are sure to have a lot of fun and candid conversations about kids and parenthood. 

 

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A Reactionary Mommy Truth
Parenting LOLZ

A Reactionary Mommy Truth

by Jill
written by Jill

Well, yesterday was quite the day. My post about letting my 12 month old “cry it out” got pretty much nothing but support over here, but it is STILL a bitch fest over on my Facebook page about it all (and many other FB pages, I’m sure, where I’ve been called a selfish bitch and accused of “checking out” after 5 pm).

Meh. I’m not upset. In fact, I totally expected each and every one of those reactions. I’ve been a part of this mommies-on-the-internet thing way too long not to. I grew up on the tough streets of TheKnot/Nest/Bump. I have seen me some kuh-razy when it comes to internet judgement.

Last night I remembered a post I wrote nearly 3 years ago about My Take On Mommy Wars. I’m happy to say my views on the whole thing still haven’t changed, and the biggest takeaway from it I think we all need to remember and BELIEVE is this:

I’ve never hidden that I have a past history of harsh judgement of mothers. Those attitudes actually set me up to fail and feel like shit when I became a mother, and I’m not the judgemental bitch I used to be. Everyone can stand a little growing and reflection at some point, and anyone can change.

If you want to be a part of the movement of mothers online who are fed up with all the “mommy wars” and maternal internet bullying, I encourage you to head to my friend Elizabeth’s amazing website The Mom Pledge, and take the pledge. Those of us who have moved beyond judging (or never did to begin with) need to start speaking up and being louder than those who will belittle us for our choices and tear us down instead of helping us stand up and build a stronger community of mothers.

Because, ladies, we don’t deserve this shit. None of us. Not even the ones doing the judging. Motherhood is a lonely, hard, cold road when traveled alone, and many mothers only have the internet to turn to for support. Let’s make it as warm and inviting as a cozy home that smells of freshly baked cookies (or at least NOT like the piss your kid leaves behind when he misses the mark), ready for a friendly playdate. Your playdate can even involve wine. Just try to be a good hostess, kay? Even to the people who are different from you. (And seriously, if your playdate involves wine, I better be invited.)

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ParenthoodStuffThe Story

Keep your mommy wars off of Facebook!

by Jill
written by Jill

Ahhh, Facebook. I love you, I do. And yet, I hate you, or… more like some of the other people who use you. Specifically, the other people who use you as a way to spout their ignorance and idiocy behind  the safety of a computer and far from my reach, making it impossible to throat punch them. You make it entirely too easy for people to make complete asses of themselves. I’m not even going to take this down the road of mixing politics and online friendships, or with real life friendships taken online, or talk about the absurdity of all those “Copy and paste this into your status if you believe in XYZ. 93% of people won’t. Will you?” status updates.

Many times you are a breeding ground for passive aggressive bull shit, and today I witnessed how you are an unfortunate medium for “mommy wars”.

Taken from a friend’s page. She’s a few months out from having to return to work after having her first baby.

Friend’s status update-

was asked to officially email when I am coming back to work….and now I am all weepy.

Here’s a few (relevant) excerpts from the discussion that followed:

T- Oh just quit.

Friend- When you are the breadwinner (I hate that term) you can’t stay home. Plus I love working…just need to make sure what I am doing is worth it.

T- Maybe (husband) can stay home!

Friend- ha! No…he just got a big promotion

M-Going back to work isnt that hard…just be thankful you have a job to go back to…

T- Oh M…that’s the saddest. One of the biggest parts of parenting is being able to empathize with your children and put yourself in their position. It’s not about us. They don’t care about money, they care about feeling safe and loved. There’s always a way.

Okay, “T”, it’s people, stay at home moms like you that give the rest of us a bad rap. Statements like those make others think we are a bunch of judgey bitches, sitting at home on our pretty little pedestals, looking down on all the moms who choose (or don’t, but do it out of necessity) to work. I believe many a kid with 2 working parents grew up to feel safe and loved. Weak.

So, on behalf of myself and every other SAHM who has an ounce of respect for the collective whole of motherhood and womanhood, kindly SHUT THE FUCK UP. You’re making me look bad.

Gah. Facebook makes me stabby sometimes.

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BabiesParenthoodThe Story

My take on Mommy Wars

by Jill
written by Jill

It’s sad that there is even a term popularly used for such bullshit. Working mom vs. stay at home mom, breastfeeding vs. formula feeding, home schooling vs. public schooling vs. private schooling vs. unschooling, cloth diapers vs. disposables, med free birth vs. epidural vs. c-section, I could go on and on.

As has been said by many a blogger before me more eloquently, all it does is divide us and pit us against each other at a time in our lives when what we really need the most is to rally, to get through this together, to sing each other’s praises, to drink wine together and say, “great job raising a kid who will probably not become a mass murderer.”

I’m not innocent. I get pangs of defensiveness every time I read someones opinion on how they could never just “sit around the house all day” and wouldn’t want to send the message to their kids that it’s okay to “waste” a college education by choosing not to work.  I’ve also had to stifle my own judgements from time to time on many issues that I feel personally passionate about (which I’m not going to get into for fear of negating the whole purpose of this post).

I’ve struggled from day one with my own decisions.  I am constantly questioning myself.  Am I doing what’s best? Is the grass really greener? Is this what’s right for us? And, through much self exploration, I’ve learned that it’s my own insecurities, my own inner doubt, that makes me defensive when something I choose for me and my family is not something that works for someone else.  I recognize that and move on and try to make a conscious effort to not let other’s life choices make me feel like less of a mom or even more of one, for that matter, because, really people, none of this shit matters 20, 30, 50 years from now.

Let’s stop with all the mommy war bullshit and focus. FOCUS. Our goal, no matter how we get there, is to raise a future society of fewer assholes.  Really, that’s what it boils down to.  I don’t care if you have a nanny, take your kid to daycare or stay at home as long as they don’t grow up to scam me out of my entire life savings in a Ponzi scheme.  I don’t care if they are formula fed or breastfed, as long as they, 60 years from now when I am nursing a broken hip, will hold the door open for me at the grocery store and offer to help me out to my car.  I don’t care if they went to public or private school or learned all they needed to know while discovering the great outdoors with no structured classroom curriculum, as long as they will be kind, generous, respectful people who not only are not murderers and/or rapists, but also do some good. I don’t care if you gave birth to them in a pool of mineral water, scented with lavendar while you orgasmed upon their exit, as long as they don’t set up a meth lab next door and kill my dogs when their house blows up.

Raising a productive member of society is a tall order. I am overwhelmed by the task nearly every day.  We’ve got plenty of battles ahead of us to be caught up fighting each other.  Now is the time when we need to be strategizing, having covert meetings, speaking in code, drawing maps in lemon juice.  Now is the time when we need to put on the same colors.  Now is the time when we all need to come to the same side of the line.

Kendall is 2 days shy of 14 months old

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