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#meditateonthis

Meditate On This – A Video Response
ParenthoodPostpartum Anxiety & DepressionVideos

Meditate On This – A Video Response

by Jill January 28, 2016
written by Jill

This week the US Preventative Services Task Force published their recommendation that all pregnant and new moms be screened for postpartum mood disorders.

I rejoiced! What a fantastic step forward in the right direction, right? It’s really one of those things so positive, so well-intentioned that when I began to hear of negative pushback I was super confused.

There’s a whole story behind the #MeditateOnThis hashtag (that trended on Twitter last night) that you can read about over on Rage Against The Minivan — a guest post by Katherine Stone of Postpartum Progress.

And while this was sparked by one individual (hugely influential) person, I can’t say that was the only place I saw/heard these sentiments. Not yesterday, not for the years I’ve been aware of postpartum depression and anxiety.

So this video isn’t to call out that person specifically, though I do sincerely hope she watches and listens to it.

This is in response to everyone who has ever said that postpartum mood disorders aren’t real, and that women are being tricked by Big Pharma into numbing themselves. It’s a response to every person who has told a struggling mother to do more yoga, pray more, eat better, get more sleep. It’s a response to anyone who has ever made a mother feel shame for needing medication to get to shore. 

This is personal, you guys. This is my raw story. This is my truth.

You can read the transcript of the video below. Also, check my Facebook page for a version of the video that is easy to share.

At my lowest point I couldn’t shake the vision of a knife flying from my hands and into my baby’s face. I didn’t want to leave the house because every time I was in the car I had this unshakeable belief that it would fly off the road, crash and burn. I couldn’t bear to even look at flights of stairs without seeing my baby falling over the railing onto his head below.

I was full of rage. For the first time in my life, I not only understood why parents shake their babies, but I had compassion for them. I feared that I could become one of them. 

I feared that I could become one of those mothers on the news. 

If you’re thinking that none of this sounds normal, you’re right.

If you’re thinking all of this makes me a bad mother, you’re wrong.

I was struggling with Postpartum Anxiety and OCD. 

I spent a year after my first baby was born, and 9 months after my 2nd baby was born believing I was just an awful person, not made for motherhood. 

I had no idea that what was happening to me was treatable, that it had a name. I was never screened for these symptoms. 

It wasn’t until I found Postpartum Progress and their list of symptoms of Postpartum Depression AND Anxiety that I realized I wasn’t an awful mother. I was just sick.

Let me be clear. At this point, I’d lost 20 lbs because I couldn’t bring myself to eat. Getting dressed was a struggle. I had a baby who wasn’t sleeping through the night, I was tired, and I was paralyzed by fear. PARALYZED.

And yet, I thought I would try to treat this on my own. Because I “wasn’t the type”  to take pills.

I thought exercise would help- but I didn’t even have the energy or the will power to walk outside. I thought giving up caffeine would work, but I still had zero appetite for anything else. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t read. I couldn’t do anything by try all day, all hours, every minute to STOP thinking about my baby dying.

On a day when I thought, truly BELIEVED, I was dying from a heart attack, I walked into a Dr’s office and begged him to see me. When he suggested a low dose of Zoloft, I took the prescription and told myself I’d think about it. I’d think about if I was, indeed, the “type” to need to take pills.

Turns out? I am.

Within days of starting my prescription, I smiled so much my face hurt. I enjoyed my babies. I. DIDNT. YELL.

MommyKids1 The medication pulled me from a deep sea of despair where I was drowning. It drug me to shore. Once I was to the shore THEN I could focus on things like exercise and eating better, talking this out, sleeping better.

There are people who would have me believe that I’m part of a big conspiracy by “Big Pharma” That if I just would have tried harder, prayed, done yoga, given it time, that I wouldn’t need the pills.

To them, I say with as much kindness as I can muster, you are wrong.

There are people who are concerned that the US Preventative Task Force’s recommendation that all pregnant and new mothers receive screening for mood & anxiety disorders is part of a scheme to medicate women and fill the pockets of “Big Pharma.”

To them, I say, again with kindness, that belief is damaging and unfounded.

I stand beside my fellow Warrior Moms, survivors of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, and celebrate this step in the right direction. Routine screening for these diseases will save lives.

And whether those moms get help from medication OR meditation, is none of my business. I won’t shame them for EITHER approach. And you shouldn’t either.

Because sick moms deserve to feel better, no matter what it takes.

January 28, 2016 8 comments
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@babyrabies

  • I haven’t taken many bump pics, but I’ve practically lived in the same three outfits since the beginning, and I’ve worn one of my three pairs of @blanqigirls Everyday Maternity Belly Support Leggings every 👏 single 👏 day 👏 for the past five months. 
They were great in the beginning when I was more bloated than bumpin’, and are lifesaving now that this bump has become a little more burdensome. I won’t shut up about them. Their Black Friday Sale is still going on, and these leggings are 50% off with code BLANQI50.
  • Five years ago I got this cute flannel dress for 80% off at The Gap. When the cashier was checking me out she said in a small voice, “um, you know this is a maternity dress, right?” I did NOT know that, but replied without skipping a beat, “yes, I’m expecting!” and spent the whole ride home wondering to myself 1. why it was her business if I knew what I was buying 2. why I blurted out a lie so quickly 3. if I’d ever actually wear it. 
I kept it. I wore it! Lots before getting pregnant, and for the first time as a “maternity” dress today. 
PSA - underneath I’m wearing @blanqigirls maternity leggings and support tank, which should be every pregnant woman’s uniform and they’re having a KILLER SALE right now.
  • No longer in the “could just be tacos” phase. 🌮 👏 🤰🏻
  • I just wanted to take a picture under the words GOAT SCALE, but I’m now realizing there were many, many missed opportunities for creative placement.
  • Starting all over with a new FB page! If you want to follow there, the link is in my bio. The blog will officially relaunch soon! #babyrabies
  • We haven’t purchased a single baby thing yet. I’ve meandered into the baby section at stores lately, but for some reason I feel silly even perusing the racks. But after my OB appointment this morning, I ran to Target for... literally no other reason than it drew me in with its gravitational force. I spent about 10 minutes looking for tops that fit that aren’t long sleeved or flannel tunics, but quickly gave up. On my way out I rushed through the baby section, barely looking, and out of nowhere I made the very first baby purchase... which felt surreal, but not nearly as surreal as feeling it move for the first time yesterday. I was worried I wouldn’t be sure when it happened, but it was pretty dang unmistakable, and odd, and... yup. I guess there really is a baby in there. Weird.
  • It’s the first day of Fall (or the first day of Summer Part Deux for us southerners) and finally, finally pregnancy is manifesting itself as something more than sheer exhaustion, boobs, and moods. My hair is magically happier this week despite literally months of straight up neglect (seriously I desperately need a chop), my nails somehow survived an out of state work gig that required lots of lifting and tinkering and my nails never survive events, my skin is behaving itself suspiciously well, aaaaaand I haven’t pooped in 3 days (which I’m much less excited about obviously). My bump still pales in comparison to some burrito babies I’ve had, but it’s nice feeling like exhaustion and titties are no longer the only thing I have to show for all this.
  • I do not take for granted that I work for myself and can nap when I need to, at almost any time I need to. 
I do not take for granted that the only beings I’m responsible for are four-legged and pretty chill. 
I do not take for granted that I have a partner who gladly cleans the house on Sundays while I nap for 70% of the day. 
And I definitely do not take for granted the tiny procrastinator I am housing who I’m pretty sure puts off all its growing for the week to the last 48 hours and crams it in at the end rendering me semi-conscious and starving every weekend. (Not pictured: the drool on the other side of my mouth)
  • We joke that @jillkraus.e had my child when she had her daughter Leyna. We have a lot in common, mainly our smirky face and love of all things pickled. But truth be told, she was SO suspicious of me when she was a baby. Like, I *looked* like her mom, but I wasn’t her mom, she didn’t trust this dark haired doppelgänger whose boobs were useless. (posting throwbacks because still not much going on over here to see besides exhaustion and looking like a kinda bloated porn star. 😳)

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