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Baby Rabies

pregnancy & parenting

  • Start Here
    • About Baby Rabies
    • Baby Registry Top Picks
    • Favorite Pregnancy Apps
  • The Book
  • Pregnancy
    • Birth Stories
    • Perinatal Mood Disorders
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    • Babies
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    • Photography

      6 Stunning Photos You Would Never Guess Were…

      February 11, 2019

      Photography

      Simple Tips For Editing Snow Photos On Your…

      December 13, 2018

      Photography

      I Wrote A Photography eBook And This Is…

      December 6, 2018

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      Creative Lighting Ideas To Help You Take Great…

      November 27, 2018

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      Learn How To Take And Edit Photos On…

      November 19, 2018

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    • Reviews

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      December 19, 2018

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      I Was Never A Barbie Girl Until Now

      October 1, 2018

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      Finally! Jeans For My Jean-Averse Kids!

      August 22, 2018

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      August 13, 2018

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lexapro

It’s Not A Big Deal, But That Makes It A Pretty Big Deal
BabiesPostpartum Anxiety & Depression

It’s Not A Big Deal, But That Makes It A Pretty Big Deal

by Jill May 1, 2017
written by Jill

I just filled my prescription for Lexapro again for postpartum anxiety and OCD. It doesn’t really feel like a big deal, but I know that THAT makes it a pretty big deal.

The first time I drove home from the pharmacy with medication to treat my extreme irritability, anger, obsessive and intrusive thoughts, racing heart, and feeling of impending doom, I felt shame and sadness. I felt defeated. I vowed to stop taking it as soon as possible. I told myself as soon as I could exercise again, and as soon as I was eating and sleeping again I would be able to wean off of it.

This time, the 3rd time I’ve made that drive, I simply thought, “Okay, I’ll put this next to my toothbrush so I remember to take it tonight before bed.” And since I know that taking action helps ease my anxiety, I woke up today feeling GREAT because I knew my prescription would be ready to pick up, and I was taking some damn action and was going to fix. that. shit.

If you’re not familiar with my story, here is a very brief summary: I’m certain I had this after my first was born, but I never knew it was a thing, and since I never felt depressed or cried much or wanted to hurt myself or my baby I never got help. After my 2nd baby, I finally got help when she was 9 months old when I was in a really bad place and was lucky enough to finally learn that postpartum ANXIETY is a thing. I knew to expect it again after I had my 3rd, and was back on meds when he was about 6 months old.

So, of course, I knew to expect it this time, too, and I’ve been really paying attention to my mind and body. It seems it always sets in between 4 and 5 months postpartum, and that’s exactly what happened again. The last couple weeks have been more than my typical anxiety over stress and deadlines and having 4 kids, and some other big life changes we have planned. The intrusive thoughts and the obsessively worrying about things I KNOW are not true and not likely to happen have been my biggest warning signs, and honestly the things I just want to go away the most.

I spoke at the University of Texas, Austin’s Maternal Mental Health and Wellness Conference last weekend, and one of the questions I got was if I’d tried other ways to treat my anxiety before going on meds. I can confidently say I have. After having Wallace, I made a big effort to do all the things some well-meaning people say you should do to try to keep perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, like postpartum depression and anxiety, from setting in.

I’ve been going to Barre3 classes just as frequently as possible since my 6-week checkup. I’ve been making it a point to feed myself real, healthy food. We’ve been getting boxes of Hello Fresh delivered weekly so I didn’t have to stress about menu planning and grocery shopping. I’ve been drinking a lot of water. We’ve had a housekeeper coming semi-regularly. Scott has been a rockstar, as usual, and picks up, does the dishes and the laundry while I’ve been nursing Wallace and getting him to sleep. We’ve prioritized my sleep, and I rarely get less than 7 hours a night. I have an incredible support system.

And yet, my PPA/OCD does not GAF.

My baby is 4 months old, and this is just what my brain does when my babies are 4 months old. That may seem frustrating, but it’s also, oddly, comforting. There’s nothing I can do. It just happens. And I’ll just take the meds because I know they work. No big deal- not anymore.

I didn’t plan for this to coincide with the first day of Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week because this is not a kind of thing you plan for, but indeed, it is. If you’re wondering if you’re struggling with a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, this is a great list to reference, and the one that changed my life for the better.

May 1, 2017 1 comment
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How I Became A More Adult-y Adult in 2015
LifestyleParenthoodPostpartum Anxiety & Depression

How I Became A More Adult-y Adult in 2015

by Jill January 6, 2016
written by Jill

I can’t do the thing where you pick a word for the new year. It feels too resolution-y to me. BUT, I realized I CAN pick a word to describe the year behind me.

And the word for my 2015 would have to be “Adult-ish” because in 2015 I successfully became a more adult-y adult.

Not a full-grown adult. No, I still have terrible habits like waking up at the last possible minute, not paying close attention to my budget, and leaving dirty dishes on the counter, but I totally learned to function at a more adult level last year. At the age of 34, with 3 kids.

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I cut back on sugar. I know, what does being an adult have to do with diet? Not much UNLESS your diet makes you crash so hard you must nap EVERY DAY. Adults don’t take naps every day, unfortunately (though I am ALL for changing that). You may remember that I did a Whole 30 this time last year. I didn’t lose weight, but it broke my sugar addiction, and that turned out to be huge.

Sure, I’ll still eat sugar, but now I know how it effects me. The less sugar I have before dinner time, the more productive I am, and the less I feel the need to crawl under the covers at 2 pm. I never drink coffee with sugar in it anymore, and I haven’t had a soda (only a few sips here and there) since Jan 1 of 2015. Frankly, they are gross to me now. Candy bars, too.

I said “No” alllll the time. No, I can’t do that project, it takes time away from projects that I love. No, I can’t make your school Valentines party, I have stuff I need to do at home, but I’ll have a special dinner with you tonight. No, I will not feel guilty for not volunteering for x, y, and z.

I really prioritized what MATTERED in 2015. My family, of course, my marriage, and my own projects. From a professional standpoint, I probably missed out on some extra money last year, but I spent time investing in my own brand and platform, not getting paid to write for or promote other brands and platforms. It was far more fulfilling, and way better for my sanity.

I learned to take small steps. I didn’t morph into a more adult-y adult by tackling huge goals. I just made more small grown up choices, day by day. Whereas I use to feel paralyzed by huge tasks, this time I freed myself of those expectations.

No, I didn’t have to organize the WHOLE house, but hey, what about that one closet? I could get that done. I didn’t have clean the whole house, but let’s start with the dishes.

BTW, I’ve learned that if I just at least get the dishes done, everything seems to fall in place from there. I start picking up, wiping off, and the house at least appears clean (even if that other closet is hiding a clutter monster). It all starts with the dishes.

I did the stuff I didn’t want to do as soon as I could do them.  Make the call. Answer the email. Do what you most don’t want to do. Just get it done. I felt so much better once that one thing that I really didn’t want to face was off my radar for good.

I took risks, I made mistakes, I failed, I apologized. Whew, this was a toughie. I let myself be vulnerable. I started projects that didn’t go how I planned. I gave myself permission to try new things. I bombed at some things I did, and let others down. I took responsibility and apologized sincerely. I listened and learned and tried harder.

This is basic stuff, but I much prefer to just not letting myself make mistakes in the first place.

I went to bed earlier. Not to say I fell asleep earlier, but I was at least in bed before midnight most nights. If you don’t want to take a nap every day, it’s kinda important you get more than 4 hours of sleep at night.

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I stopped working at night. I just can’t anymore, you guys. I used to get all my writing and emails done after 10 pm, but then I never got to spend time with my husband before going to bed, and I’d find myself coming to bed at insane hours, like 2 or 3 in the morning. Then I was horribly unproductive until 10 pm the next day. It was an awful cycle to break, but I’m so glad I did.

Now, I check out by dinner time every night (since I still get a lot done between the time my husband gets off work and when we sit down to eat). By the time we’ve tucked all the kids in, I can’t even imagine turning on my computer. I like it this way, leaves more time for The Walking Dead marathons. 

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I took care of myself. Obviously, I made sleep a priority this year. Not naps, but solid hours of sleep at night, knowing that it’s SO tied to how well I function the next day.

Also, I stayed on Lexapro. I’ve been on it for 2 years now, and I am madly in love with it. Treating my anxiety has been THE BIGGEST step in unlocking the adult-y achievement badge. I kicked anxiety in the ass so hard that I managed to get on a plane and fly across an ocean to visit Israel. Hashtag: huge.

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I look back at how hard it was to function at any level just a year and a half ago, and I am PROUD of things like getting dressed (mostly) every day, and making it a whole week without needing a nap. I’m proud of how much my business grew, and what our family schedule looks like now- that my kids can always count on family dinner around the table and me tucking them in when it’s bedtime.

Maybe my word of 2016 will be “Adult” without the “ish.”

January 6, 2016 5 comments
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BabiesPostpartum Anxiety & DepressionSchool Age DaysThe StoryToddlers

Mother’s Day Sucked, PPA Sucks

by Jill May 12, 2014
written by Jill

Yesterday, Mother’s Day, didn’t go very well, and I’m mad.

The kids fought nearly the whole day, the restaurant we chose for a late lunch served up awful service and sub-par salads. Nothing went as planned. Heck, nothing really was planned. I spent the 2nd half of the day taking a nap in an effort to restart. When I woke, I just wanted to forget it was Mother’s Day altogether.

But it wasn’t the expectations, the arguments, or the long waits for food that angered me. Granted, they agitated me, but what really angered me, what made me want to cry was how badly all that affected me because of my postpartum anxiety.

I. Am. Mad. that postpartum anxiety, something that’s already making motherhood difficult for me, made my Mother’s Day a wash.

I lapsed on taking my meds because my prescription ran out. I took my last dose on Wednesday, got a refill after an appointment on Thursday, but then there was a tornado warning, and then there was Friday (which was just nuts), and then Kendall’s birthday party on Saturday. By Sunday literally all I wanted for Mothers Day was to quickly get to Walgreens to pick up my prescription and a relatively relaxing lunch.

I was so wound up, so jumpy, and everything was so…. loud at that point, that it was nearly impossible to relax. Add to that all the little hiccups that I’m usually able to roll with (or at least not actually lose my mind over), and it was a recipe for disaster.

Then there was the guilt for feeling this way, for just wanting the day to not be about me, when just the sound of my children’s voices made me tense up. There was guilt for not being able to just get over it, to appreciate this day for what it is- another day with my family, which is something I always try to be grateful for… or at least see the silver lining.

Today is looking better. Tomorrow will be even more improved, I’m sure. And the next day? I’m asking for a Mothers Day makeup because I will NOT let that PPA bitch take it away from me.

 

May 12, 2014 48 comments
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BabiesPopular PostsPostpartum Anxiety & DepressionThe Story

For Me, I Guess It’s Always A Matter Of Time- Postpartum Anxiety

by Jill April 7, 2014
written by Jill

IMG_1411

2 pills. Lexapro this time, not Zoloft.

The anxiety is back, and I’m dealing with it. I have the gift of experience behind me now. The gift of knowing what to look for. The gift of knowing what to do, where to go, the words to say over the phone to my medical provider without stumbling or tripping over embarrassment and fear.

Like having a cold or strep throat. I was/am sick. I am taking medication for it. I will get better.

Postpartum Anxiety never shows itself to me right after the baby is born. In fact, I was so blissed out over Lowell this time (once I got over the horrific postpartum healing experience) that I thought it wouldn’t bother me ever again.

But, just to be sure, I took extra precautions. My husband and I have guarded my sleep and well-being with ferocity this time around. We hired help so I wasn’t trying to balance work along with everything else. We let obligations slide. We pressed ourselves less.

Still, it’s back. I’d say it began to really show itself around 5 months postpartum. I tried to wait it out. We had a rough start to the new year, so I thought I just needed to get life under control.

But the more I struggled, the more I realized it wouldn’t happen without help. I didn’t want it to get as bad as it did last time before I reached out.

So if I’ve seemed less engaging, less involved here and other social media platforms lately, if I’ve missed an email you’ve sent, I’m sorry. Half of that is because I’m struggling (and my reaction to anxiety is to just shut down and ignore everything), and half of that is because I’m fighting, and giving myself permission to work at my own pace.

The meds are working, though, and I’m working through it. It just takes time, and grace, and support. I’m lucky to have all 3.

April 7, 2014 50 comments
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