judgement

Yup. STILL breastfeeding.
BabiesToddlers

Yup. STILL breastfeeding.

by Jill
written by Jill

I was going to write this yesterday and title it something like, “Come at me, NURSE” but fortunately I’ve learned to cool off before I blog now (though sometimes I ignore that lesson).

I went to a first-aid medical practice yesterday that I’ve visited quite a bit over the years. During the routine questions the nurse asked before the doctor came in, it came up that I’m breastfeeding.

“How old is your little one?” she smiled.
“He’s a little over 2,” I replied.

“You’re STILL breastfeeding a TWO YEAR OLD?” she remarked, followed by what I can best describe as an audible eye-roll and an “Okaaaay…” as she entered something into my chart.

I was there for pink eye, not pink tits, gnawed to stumps by ferocious toddler. Her reaction seemed more on par with her learning I slept with a loaded gun between my baby and me.

Honestly, I was shocked. I mean, I know this kind of judgment exists. I’m a freaking mommy blogger. Come on. But, like, to my face… like that… from a nurse?

Uhm, no. This will not do.

So here’s a packet of papers I’m dropping off at the office first thing tomorrow.

stillbreastfeeding

It includes a letter to the doctor – the last line reads

“So I’ve taken the time to print a few helpful articles from reputable medical organizations that I hope you will share with her before she shames another mother.”

and print outs from the following links (WHO, Dr. Sears, MayoClinic). I may have got a touch aggressive with the Sharpie, underlining and circling points of interest.

The thing is, I’m not discouraged. When it’s time to stop we’ll stop.

nursinglowell

I breastfed my first until he was 13 months old, my second until 22 months, and they both were happy with when we stopped.

Lowell, at 26 months, is just not there yet. It would be AWFUL to stop right now. Not so much for me. Truly, I would be sad maybe for a day, but I’m pretty over it at this point.  But for him, it would be hard. And I’m just not ready to make my life a shade of hell right now over it. << All of that is a justification I owe nobody.

For another mom, though? Dude. What if she’s getting no support from home, and she encounters a response like this from a medical professional? What if this is the shame cherry on the shitty sundae she’s been dealing with?

You don’t have to cheer a breastfeeding mom on, but you should definitely keep your judgement to yourself, ESPECIALLY when you are a medical professional. You already know about my monthly cycle, how much I weigh, and all about my cysticle. I could do without the unsolicited and unnecessary opinions. We all could.

 

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Parenting Is a Human Experience
Popular PostsPregnancyThe Story

Parenting Is a Human Experience

by Jill
written by Jill

I teared up when I read my friend’s status update on Facebook yesterday…

Screen Shot 2013-04-11 at 9.58.55 AM

 knowing how much Miranda has struggled with her son’s sensory issues lately, knowing how much that small moment really meant to her.

Earlier this month, this same friend, on that same Facebook page, was called into question by someone for “complaining too much” about parenting… about her struggles with motherhood. Scrolling through her page, all I see is a real parent, facing real issues, handling them in a very real, very human way.

Unfortunately, that’s always going to come up, at some point, for each and every parent. There’s always going to be at least one moment, if not hundreds, where someone will witness you behaving like a human- not a superhero or a perfectly programmed robot- and they will question your parenting.

Why can’t you be grateful? Why can’t you get over it? Why can’t you make them listen? Why do you yell? Why don’t you yell? How could you make a mistake? How could you fail?

The moment you become entirely responsible for a child, no matter how it comes to pass, no matter how hard you did or didn’t have to work for it, it’s an amazing transformation. You become a parent. 

But…

You do not stop being human. 

It doesn’t matter what books you read or what parenting philosophies you align yourself with. Nothing takes away the human element of parenting.

Humans experience a full spectrum of emotions, often more than one at the same time. Humans get tired. Humans need help. Humans doubt. Humans stumble.

Humans fail.

And if you think people are quick to call parents out for “complaining,” they’re even quicker to completely write them off when they fail. The world is swimming in judgement for parents who are caught in very human moments.

Don’t assume because you see a parent fail that they are a failure as a parent. Don’t assume because YOU fail as a parent at times, that YOU are a failure. 

Parenting is a HUMAN experience.

It’s not a stationary state of existence. Parenthood is not a place we check into and get programmed with all the answers the moment we become wholly responsible for that other life. It’s not a peak of a mountain where we can see above the fog.

Parenting is a continuous state of motion. It’s always growing, always learning, always changing, always diverging from paths to try new ones, always trying to balance. Parenting is a long, windy walk through the fog and around the mountain… over and over again.

Parenting is never about not struggling, it’s never about being perfect, it’s never about not failing. That would remove the human element from it.

And only humans could watch their child excel at swim lessons after months of struggles, and let that soften their heart enough to cry tears of happiness. Only a human gets to experience that joy.

Don’t deny yourself the joy that comes from the struggles. Don’t forget that parenting is a human experience.

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It Goes Both Ways
ParenthoodPopular PostsThe Story

It Goes Both Ways

by Jill
written by Jill

If you’ve been checking in on my blog this week, you’re aware of the Valentine’s crazy crafty explosion up in here. You probably want me to shut up about Valentine’s Day already. I kinda do, too. I’m tired.

But I just have one thing to say about all this. It started as a Twitter rant, but I realized it would be better as a more thought out blog post.

All this stuff I’ve done this week? The homemade Valentines, the breakfast, the pics of my kids? None of that was to make anyone feel bad about their store bought Valentines or their chaotic, regular morning routine today. None of that was to “compete” with anyone or “impress” anyone.  None of that was about anyone but me and my kids. 

I’ve seen a lot of rumblings on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram the last few days from parents who “don’t get it.” Why do some parents put so much effort into their toddler and preschoolers Valentines? Lots of assumptions that people like me are doing it to “show off” or because we “have too much time on our hands.” That we’ll “regret this next year” when we try to “top ourselves.”

Listen, if there’s one thing I’m not, it’s consistent. Who the hell knows how much energy I’ll have next year with a new baby. If I have to run out and buy store bought Valentines, so be it. I may be disappointed I don’t have the time to make any, but you know what I won’t do? Try to make others feel bad for the time they spent on theirs.

I had the time and a little surge of 2nd trimester energy this year. I made it happen for my kids this year. Heck, next year my then 5 year old will probably beg for the store bought Valentines over mommy’s creations.

You know what I didn’t do? Give any shits about Christmas. I was too tired and sick to care. But I know all of you who DID do amazing things with and for your family on Christmas didn’t do those things to make me feel bad or to compete with me.

So you don’t want me to judge you for your kids’ store bought Valentines? Done! But it goes both ways, okay? Don’t assume that every homemade Valentine that your kids bring home today is made by a mom with the intention of showing people up, that’s it’s a little bag of “I’m better than you.” Maybe she’s just a mom who doesn’t always do things with her kids like paint and bake cookies, but this one time of year she did something special. And she’s feeling good about it because it was something she did with love for her kids. 

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A Reactionary Mommy Truth
Parenting LOLZ

A Reactionary Mommy Truth

by Jill
written by Jill

Well, yesterday was quite the day. My post about letting my 12 month old “cry it out” got pretty much nothing but support over here, but it is STILL a bitch fest over on my Facebook page about it all (and many other FB pages, I’m sure, where I’ve been called a selfish bitch and accused of “checking out” after 5 pm).

Meh. I’m not upset. In fact, I totally expected each and every one of those reactions. I’ve been a part of this mommies-on-the-internet thing way too long not to. I grew up on the tough streets of TheKnot/Nest/Bump. I have seen me some kuh-razy when it comes to internet judgement.

Last night I remembered a post I wrote nearly 3 years ago about My Take On Mommy Wars. I’m happy to say my views on the whole thing still haven’t changed, and the biggest takeaway from it I think we all need to remember and BELIEVE is this:

I’ve never hidden that I have a past history of harsh judgement of mothers. Those attitudes actually set me up to fail and feel like shit when I became a mother, and I’m not the judgemental bitch I used to be. Everyone can stand a little growing and reflection at some point, and anyone can change.

If you want to be a part of the movement of mothers online who are fed up with all the “mommy wars” and maternal internet bullying, I encourage you to head to my friend Elizabeth’s amazing website The Mom Pledge, and take the pledge. Those of us who have moved beyond judging (or never did to begin with) need to start speaking up and being louder than those who will belittle us for our choices and tear us down instead of helping us stand up and build a stronger community of mothers.

Because, ladies, we don’t deserve this shit. None of us. Not even the ones doing the judging. Motherhood is a lonely, hard, cold road when traveled alone, and many mothers only have the internet to turn to for support. Let’s make it as warm and inviting as a cozy home that smells of freshly baked cookies (or at least NOT like the piss your kid leaves behind when he misses the mark), ready for a friendly playdate. Your playdate can even involve wine. Just try to be a good hostess, kay? Even to the people who are different from you. (And seriously, if your playdate involves wine, I better be invited.)

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The StoryTrying to Conceive

Let’s talk judgement

by Jill
written by Jill

Okay ladies and gents (are there any gents out there reading this?), we all know the world of parenthood is ripe with judgement. You can smell it’s thick vapors permeating off of mommy and me groups, and you can feel it’s heat and intensity in the sharp, unapproving glares from people in line at the grocery store when the kid in front of them was just force fed a Snickers to make them shut the hell up. I’m not gonna lie, I’m guilty of judging parents, which I realize is the most ridiculous thing ever since I can not even begin to put myself in their shoes, but I do it nonetheless.

I find myself constantly saying to my husband, “I will NEVER…We will ALWAYS…yada yada,” but how do I know? I mean, clearly, there are some things that I can safely say we will always or never do. I’m 99.9992% positive we will always insist our child not refer to us as mother fucker and his bitch, and we will never sacrifice our baby to visiting aliens for a ride on their super cool space mobile (although that will be hard to resist). However, things like pacifiers past 6 months, and crying it out, and even spanking…yes, I have my opinions on them, but what is that opinion even based on? The rational part of me wants to open my mind and remember that all parents, children and situations are different, and that I shouldn’t judge, but then the other part of me – the your screaming kid is annoying the piss out of me part – wants to know why those parents just don’t have the good sense to get up and leave the GD movie theater with the 9 month old they should have never brought in the first place.

I really don’t want to be one of those parents that judges others and then holds themselves to such a high standard because of it. I want to be okay with not being the perfect mom, and I want to be okay with others not being perfect either. I think I’m going to perform a little experiment. I’m going to blog about all these things I judge other parents for prior to becoming a parent myself. I want you to chime in if you have an opinion or a point of view you think I should consider. Then, once I finally do have a little ankle-bitter, I’m going to come back and re-evaluate these judgements. I think it will be interesting to see if and how much my views will change. Also, if you already are a parent, I want to know how your point of views changed.

Judgement #1 – I hate wheely heel shoes. I can never imagine being okay with my my child essentially rollerskating around the grocery store, mall, and other places where adults are trying to get shit done without having to dodge out of control children.

(I was inspired to think about my “judgements” after reading I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids.)

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