Whew! What a week! Sorry for the lack of posts lately…the holidays and all. Not that I don’t have plenty to write about. Let’s see…we’ll dedicate this post to the biggest news I have for you – IT’S A BOY! But there’s so much more to the story than just that.
I’ve touched on this before – that worry is something that consumes so much of you when you’re pregnant – okay, maybe using “you” is an over generalization…maybe it’s just me that worries this much. I will just say that before I got pregnant I always thought I’d be the most laid back pregnant woman. I mean, I’m type A and all and love to plan, but I generally try not to worry about things I have no control over in other areas of my life. So I NEVER thought I’d spend the whole first trimester fearing the sight of spotting every time I had to pee, or putting myself on bedrest “just in case” the first few times I did experience spotting. Yes, I know that that didn’t prevent anything, but at the time it was the only thing that I could control and made me feel like I was helping, being cautious, being a good mother. Just to expand a little more on this first trimester experience – I spotted from week 5 through week 8 nearly every day and then sporadically for a few more weeks after that. It was terrifying and stressful and really opened my eyes to how different pregnancy was making me. I was responsible for another life, and even though that life was still so incredibly new, that didn’t make it any less important than if I was trying to keep a grown child alive, at least in my mind.
I eventually stopped spotting and thought my worries were behind me. I was almost through the first trimester and “in the clear”. Our 12 week appointment was supposed to be a really exciting milestone for us – hearing the heartbeat for the first time. I admit that the nurse did warn me that not everyone can hear it that early and to not freak out if they couldn’t find it. Well….they couldn’t find it….and I sure as hell freaked the fuck out. It seemed like an eternity until she came back in the room with the ultrasound machine and located the heartbeat on the screen. Tears of relief streamed down my face. My husband said he didn’t understand what I was so worried about. I didn’t expect him to.
We finally heard the heartbeat on the doppler at 16 weeks and were thrilled to schedule the “BIG” ultrasound for 18 weeks 3 days. However, I was pretty surprised to find that over the course of the two weeks between appointments I wasn’t nearly as excited about the ultrasound as I thought I would be. This was going to be the big moment…boy or girl! How could I not be excited? The thing is, I didn’t care if it was a boy or girl…I just wanted everything to look good, healthy, in the right place. And so the worry began again…
I usually get apprehensive about appointments about 48 hours in advance. It doesn’t consume me or anything, just passing thoughts and concerns. The hour before the appointment is the worst, and sitting in the waiting room never seems to help. When we got called in to the ultrasound room I was on edge and put off by how short the tech was with me. I thought, “I don’t have the patience to deal with not nice people today.” I laid back on the paper covered half bed, slightly annoyed, but it all melted away when she put the wand on my belly and there it was – a very clear picture of a baby. My baby finally looked like a baby, with legs and arms and a sweet face! No more blob for us!
After thirty minutes of checking out his bones, brain and organs she finally asked if we wanted to know and then zoomed in on what was very clearly a little penis. It’s a boy! She left saying she needed to check that she got all the pictures our doctor needed and that she’d be right back. My husband and I took in the news and in a few minutes she returned with a doctor…my stomach dropped. This could not be good.
It turns out our baby boys bladder is on the cusp of being a little too full and may not be emptying properly. The doctor explained that she wanted to see us back in the third trimester to see if it would correct itself. If it doesn’t, he will need treatment after he’s born. Of course, in my panicked state I thought the worst. Is this a sign of something bigger? Is he deformed? Will he live? I was calmed minutes later when she explained that it’s common among boys and will not hurt him for the time being. That tech even redeemed herself by doing her best to set my mind at ease.
At lunch after the appointment I managed to snap myself out of it. Our baby is healthy. He is surviving and thriving and we are so lucky, and my constant worrying had nothing to do with that. We could have received news much worse than that. So I have decided to try really hard to not let worry get to me the rest of the pregnancy. Yes, I’ll still have my concerns, but instead I’m going to focus on the positive and let go of what I can’t control – like I do with nearly everything else in my life.
Now that I’m saving so much time not worrying I have lots of time to think about having a boy! OMG, a boy! I don’t think I have the slightest idea of what to do with a boy. One thing is for sure though, if he’s anything like my husband and all his brothers, I can kiss every nice thing I own goodbye. I am currently researching the cost of all rubber furniture.
18 weeks 5 days