expecting moms

Expecting your first baby?

Come, sit at my table and look into my crystal ball with me. I have many exciting predictions for your future!

That beautiful white rug you just bought, to go with those mirror-plated side tables? TOAST. In 2 years, you will literally think to yourself out loud, “That was the stupidest idea ever.”

There will be a moment (or 20) sometime in the next 5 years when you  sit in the middle of a room littered with toys and snack wrappers, staring off into space, while at least one child runs circles around you, climbs over you, jumps on your back, then smears an unknown substance on your person. You will not move. You will be too exhausted. You will walk around the rest of the day with the crusted substance stuck to you. You will maybe remember to wash it off before passing out in your bed that night.

Your clean car will soon become a goldfish graveyard, and you’ll be happy to just keep dirty diapers out of it. When you find you’re missing a child’s shoe, sock, clip, jacket, you will ask yourself and/or your partner, “Did you check the car yet?”

You’ll stop caring if the color of your nail polish matches your wardrobe for the week. You’ll actually avoid nail polish because the effort is so futile, and really, you’ll just be concerned that you get all the poop out from under your nails after a messy diaper change.

The most romantic thing your partner can do for you in the future will be to wake early with the kid(s). Even more sexy? He/she makes breakfast with them and then does all the dishes.

You’ll realize that all the time and money you spent on pinning and buying the cutest and trendiest baby gear and nursery decor was simply a way to keep yourself occupied before the baby came, and nothing of real importance to actually raising a baby (although, you do get bonus points for actually using the things that keep them safe properly).

On probably more than one occasion, you will find yourself in the middle of a parking lot, attempting to scrape a toddler off the asphalt as they scream at you. People passing by will offer looks of sympathy, shock, horror and disgust. You will throw the child over your shoulder, wrestle them into their carseat, then have a strong desire to open the bottle of wine you purchased right there in the parking lot. It’s okay to drink before 5 on days like this, just so you know.

No exaggeration, you will love that kid more than you can even possibly wrap your head around right now. Even after the parking lot scene. You may wish that they would take an extra long nap that day, but you will always have enough in you for an “I love you.” You will love them even when they drive you to drink. Even when they make you cry.

Oh, and yeah, they will make you cry. Sometimes they’ll make you cry about logical, sad, heart-breaking things. Sometimes tears of joy. Sometimes they will make you cry because you can’t remember the last time you got to go to the bathroom alone.

One day (many days, actually) you will find yourself doing something, and you’ll remember exactly the time in your life – prior to having children- when you said you’d NEVER do that. And you’ll laugh.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this fortune telling session. Do not be afraid, for even though these fortunes may sound terrifying, you will survive… if you keep your sense of humor.