Listen, elf. I know this job of yours is stressful this time of year. Parents are putting a lot of pressure on you to perform. They want you to MAKE MAGIC with cotton balls, sugar cubes, and dry erase markers!
They want you to make the kids believe in you so much that they can be stopped mid-meltdown in the aisles of Target with the mere mention of your “name.”
And sometimes it’s a really freaking ridiculous name.
“Sparkles the Elf is going to tell Santa you weren’t good today if you don’t stop that right now!”
“Sparkles”??? For fucks sake, your name is Adam. I get it. It’s enough to drive you to drink and take some pills.
You’ve reached your breaking point. You’ve considered all the ways out.
And then you just gave up and went wild.
This same approach happened over and over with elves across the world….
Inappropriate Elf Contest 2011
Inappropriate Elf Contest 2012
ending in some unintended consequences for a few.
But now it’s really caught up to you, elf. I’m so sorry to tell you that Santa just informed me you’ve been demoted.
I have no idea what your new job will be, but here are a few examples of what’s happened to some of your inappropriate co-workers.
He spends his days trying to figure this out for once and for all. Until then, he has to play the song on repeat. He twitches in his sleep, screaming out “Ring ding ding ding er WHAT DOES IT SAY?!” until he wakes in a cold sweat.
No more Marshmallow Mondays at the Candy Cane Bar. No more Fa La La La Fridays, throwing snowballs with the guys. Now it’s just a job of pushing paper in a cubicle next to this guy. The elf is equal parts terrified and curious to know how and why Santa removed his antlers. It’s obvious that office work leads to bad posture and humps on your back. It’s rough, man. Rough.
With a little illustration help from HaHas For HooHas.
He’s responsible for sanitizing her foam finger and wrecking ball. I think that’s all you need to know.
Photo Credit: Chris Young/The Canadian Press
Minutes after this picture was taken, Ford took a cue from this Inappropriate Elf and peed his own name in the snow right outside the window of a children’s hospital as a holiday party went on inside. Then he told Matt Lauer he can’t be blamed because he was too wasted to remember. Apparently, he spiked the kids’ punch… then drank it all while his elf was passing out presents.
I sure hope you find yourself in a much more tolerable job, elf. Because, like I said, I get it. I can see why you and countless other elves get a little inappropriate this time of year. Maybe Santa will let you go to rehab instead? I’ll see what we can work out.
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I have a feeling this isn’t going to deter the other elves from getting into a little trouble this year, though. So let’s see what they’re up to. Are you ready to submit a picture of your inappropriate elf?
First, MAKE SURE YOU READ THE RULES.
Here’s what’s on the line.
You have until 11:59 pm CST on December 18th to link up your elf picture. After that, HaHas for HooHas will help me narrow down the top 10, and a panel of guest judges (yet to be announced) will vote to determine the top 2.
I’ll announce the winner on December 23rd. More details and dates can be found in the rules.
Follow the directions in the Linky Tools below. Good luck, and may the elves be ever in your favor!
