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Baby Rabies

pregnancy & parenting

  • Start Here
    • About Baby Rabies
    • Baby Registry Top Picks
    • Favorite Pregnancy Apps
  • The Book
  • Pregnancy
    • Birth Stories
    • Perinatal Mood Disorders
  • Parenthood
    • Babies
    • Toddlers
    • School Age Kids
    • Parenting LOLZ
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    • Photography

      6 Stunning Photos You Would Never Guess Were…

      February 11, 2019

      Photography

      Simple Tips For Editing Snow Photos On Your…

      December 13, 2018

      Photography

      I Wrote A Photography eBook And This Is…

      December 6, 2018

      Photography

      Creative Lighting Ideas To Help You Take Great…

      November 27, 2018

      Photography

      Learn How To Take And Edit Photos On…

      November 19, 2018

  • Reviews
    • Reviews

      The Answer To Last Minute Holiday Gifting For…

      December 19, 2018

      Reviews

      I Was Never A Barbie Girl Until Now

      October 1, 2018

      Reviews

      Finally! Jeans For My Jean-Averse Kids!

      August 22, 2018

      Reviews

      If Your Kid Loves Dump Trucks & Garbage…

      August 13, 2018

      Reviews

      Nobody Tell My Kids ABC Mouse Is Part…

      September 4, 2017

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elf on a shelf

InappropriateElf

2013 Inappropriate Elf Winners

by Jill January 5, 2014
written by Jill

I AM SO SORRY.

Well, mostly just sorry I thought I’d announce this before Christmas when I was planning back in November. But not really that sorry that I took some time off from my blog over the holidays. Our last hurrah was last night. We wrapped up our holiday break fun times with a trip to cheer on MIZZOU at the Cotton Bowl.

M I Z!

Tonight, it’s back to business. The business of inappropriate elves.

The Judges

As always, I wind up with a kick ass panel of guest judges who vote on their top 2 favorites. Here’s this year’s rowdy crew:

Charlie & Andy, HowToBeADAd.com– They write for one blog, but they each submitted a vote. They are sorta like my male counterparts in this blog space, except much more successful, with bananas added for scale. 

David, TheDaddyComplex.com – I met David at a blog conference the beginning of 2013, back before he became all famous for the CTFD Method and got a book deal. I only hate him a little bit.

Ilana, MommyShorts.com – You’ve probably heard of baby mugging or seen her Evil Baby Glare-Off competitions circulating Facebook. Kind of a big deal.

Jamie, BabyGuideGearGuide.com– Jamie knows strollers, can teach you how to wear a baby, and guide you to the right sized flange for your nipple. He also has an Angry Baby sidekick with more Instagram followers than me, and my favorite kind of sense of humor.

Mary Mac, PajamasandCoffee.com– She’s written for important people like the Washington Post, and appeared on the Today Show for serious topics, but nothing is quite as serious as her hate/hate relationship with elves. She also totally agrees with me that claymation Santa from Rudolph is the biggest a-hole ever.

Roo, NeonFresh.com– Roo is like the effortlessly cool and hip person I wish I could be, but I’d just come off as an awkward poser. I simply don’t possess the gif curating powers she does. She is a gif whisperer. She also does professional stuff like write copy for stuff you buy in Whole Foods.

Sarah, ClickinMoms.com– This girl knows pictures. She’s the CEO of Clickin Moms, a super mega awesome photography forum for women. I puffy pink heart her and the forum.

Stuart, KTXD– Stuart is the Managing Editor of KTXD TV here in Dallas, and he’s had me on one of his shows- The Broadcast- several times, including segments all about inappropriate elves the last 2 years.

Tanis, TanisMiller.com– Tanis is my original blog idol, the very first blogger I stalked online AND NOW I’M HER FACEBOOK FRIEND. I really win at stalking. She is also so funny, and so real, and has a giant dog and… just go look at him.

Wendi, WendiAarons.com– Wendi was one of my directors for the Austin Listen To Your Mother show last year. She’s also a generally hilarious woman in the very smart kind of way. She writes for US Weekly’s Fashion Police. She is judging your fashion, celebrities. I hope you’re not making your own swimsuits. 

But enough about all of those people, am I right? You want to know who won!

All of 2013’s contest entries
2013’s Top 10 Inappropriate Elves

It was a tight race this year. SUPER SUPER TIGHT. The winner and second place were separated by only 1 point.

In SECOND PLACE, and winner of the Nintendo 2DS….

WreckingBall1

Wreck The Halls by LittleElise.com

And the WINNER, taking home the iPad Air….

elfyenorth-600x464 copy

Elfye North’s Bound 4 by DirtyDiaperLaundry.com

Thanks to everyone who entered this year! And thanks to Miley and Kanye for your questionable choices.

Happy New Year, y’all!

 

January 5, 2014 12 comments
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InappropriateElf

2013 Inappropriate Elf Top 10

by Jill December 24, 2013
written by Jill

This is late. I know. Here, have some eggnog as my apology.

Anna from HaHas For HooHas just helped me firm up the top 10 list for this year. It. Was. Hard. Because y’all make pretty freaking brilliant and hilarious inappropriate elves.

So I’m just going to get to it. Here’s the top 10 in the order they entered the contest.

WreckingBall1

Wreck The Halls Elf – LittleElise.com

elfyenorth-600x464 copy

Elfye North’s Boud 4 – DirtyDiaperLaundry.com

CondomElf1

Job Security Elf- New Orleans Moms Blog

BuddyRonBurgandy1

Anchorman Elf Interviews Buddy- BuddyMeetsRon.Tumblr.com

SteviaBB1

HeisenbELF- JunebugPhotography.org

WhatsYourExcuse1

“What’s Your Excuse?” Elf- kimberlyersk1ne.blogspot.com

stickerelf1

Sticker Envy Elf- SheSpoilsAlerts.Tumblr.com

ElfWeekly1

Elf Weekly: Airbrushing Scandal- DewberryCinema.com

Dobbie1

Crafty Elf- ElfShaming.com

FartLight1

Turn On Your FartLight Elves- BradAbleson.Tumblr.com

These have been sent to our super secret list of judges, and the winners will be announced soon. Ish. Hopefully before Christmas. FALALALALALA DEADLINES ARE DEAD TO ME.

The top prize takes home a 16 GB iPad Air with wifi, and 2nd place gets a Nintendo 2ds.

Merry Christmas, you filthy elves.

December 24, 2013 33 comments
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InappropriateElfSchool Age Days

The Random Acts Of Kindness Elf Challenge

by Jill December 20, 2013
written by Jill

“Mr. Hall has had a rough year, mom. That’s what Jake said. That’s why we need to be extra kind to him. He is going to LOVE this,” Kendall said as he put the finishing touches on a secret gift for our neighbor.

IMG_9232

******************************

Last Saturday morning our elf made his return for the season. I know you might be thinking I’m anti Elf On A Shelf, but I’m not. I even enjoy watching all the elaborate set-ups my friends come up with for their kids. It’s a joy to watch their joy in doing these things.

Learn all about my love for Inappropriate Elves here.

Me, though, I’ve learned to edit my commitments to things like this, and then edit again. Each year since our elf Jake showed up 3 years ago, I’ve made his visit a little less elaborate, and a little shorter.

10 days. That’s all I can do right now. So he arrived on the 14th.

image-5

A few days before, I wondered what I would have him do for the kids. Should I try to do just a few funny, mischievous setups? Maybe he could bring them a new pair of socks and underwear each day? It would be funny AND useful. I have very little tolerance for non-useful stuff lately.

The first year, he brought Kendall a tiny new ornament EVERY. MORNING. I think that was rock-bottom of the hyper-new-parent-forcing-joy thing for me. Thank God Kendall was not old enough to remember that and expect it the next year when I had a 2nd baby and was less ridiculous more realistic.

This year I’ve been super sensitive to the entitlement around here. I can’t fault my 5 year old. For one, he’s 5. I think it’s natural for 5 year olds to mostly think about themselves. That said, 5 is plenty old enough to start learning to think of others.

I’ve tried talking to him about how fortunate we are, reminding him to be grateful for the things he takes for granted. Tasks to clean out toys to donate to the local shelter always lead to him negotiating and asking what’s in it for him. It is one of the biggest hot buttons for me as a parent.

If there is one thing my children will learn before they leave this house, it is to give from their heart to those who need it.

So on Saturday, Jake arrived with nothing more than a message on our iPad and a couple dollar bills. I will make this elf work for ME, dammit.

Day1BellRingers

As we walked up to the woman collecting money for a local women and children’s shelter, hot chocolate in hand, it began.

“But I want hot chocolate, mom! Is she going to give me a hot chocolate if I give her one? What is she going to give me?” Kendall whined.

“It’s not about you, Kendall,” I calmly responded, not yet realizing this would become my mantra for this challenge and I would say it often.

image-4

He reluctantly posed for the picture, then gladly took the balloon sword she offered him. She was selling them for $1 donations, so the money they donated meant they both got one.

As I tucked him into bed that night, I told him I was so excited we were able to give the woman hot chocolate and donate money to her cause. He pouted because his balloon sword popped.

I sighed… then I set up the next day’s challenge, laying 2 Angel Tree tags next to the iPad and Jake.

We shopped for 2 kids from the local Angel Tree program the next day, and I spent nearly the entire time in Target repeating, “It’s not about you, Kendall. This is not for you. We are not looking for you. We are not buying for you.”

He whined, cried at one point, pouted, demanded I add the items we were buying for the kids to his Christmas list. I forced him to stand next to the tree and smile for a picture.

image

And then I pressed on, setting up the next day’s challenge after bedtime, and after popping 2 Advil. I had a fever, a sore throat. I was exhausted.

On the 3rd day, Jake challenged Kendall to bring some coffee to the people who work in his school’s front office. I drove to Einstein’s to pick up a gallon of coffee while Scott got him dressed. He drove him to school and helped him deliver everything. I was too sick to even try.

“Did you remember to get a picture?” I asked when Scott walked back in the door.

“Heh. Yeah. He was… thrilled,” Scott replied. I could tell he was wondering why I was even bothering with all of this. Honestly, I was starting to, too.

image-3

UGHHHHHH. I wanted to growl, but I took a nap, instead. When I woke up, I wondered if I was trying to force something that wasn’t there yet. I wondered if 10 days of random acts of kindness was too much for a 5 year old. I wondered if I was wasting my time when I was already short on it and would rather be nursing this cold.

But I couldn’t back out. Jake already committed us to this challenge. If I changed things up or just stopped altogether, I undermined Jake.

That night I set up the challenge for the next day- a donation to the local animal shelter. Jake asked us to buy a bag of dog food and deliver it.

“What? Dogs don’t have homes sometimes? But why? I love dogs!” he said as we drove to the shelter.

image-1

Dare I say, he delivered that bag of dog food with glee. We got to spend a few minutes with one of the canine residents, and he left telling me, “Maybe on Friday, instead of playing video games, we can come back here and play with more dogs!”

“Maybe,” I smiled back and wrapped my arm around his shoulder.

I knew the next day would be super busy, and the random act of kindness would need to be simple. Jake showed up with a plastic bag and a challenge to fill it with trash.

Kendall leapt out of the car at Target, “Oh! I see some, mom. Come on!”

We spent 10 minutes picking up trash along the front of the store before heading inside for some groceries. He skipped along, barely getting one piece in the bag before running off for another. I had to cut him off when the wind started to pick up and the bag was mostly full.

image-2

Today, Jake asked him to help me make a small gift for our neighbor and leave it on his door-step. He told Kendall that our neighbor has had a rough year, and that I could explain more.

I told Kendall that our neighbor, an older man, lost his wife this summer and now he’s really sick. (Last we heard, they thought he had liver cancer.)

I wasn’t met with any eye-rolls or exasperated sighs about how “this is going to be booooorrrring.”

“So we need to be extra kind to him, right mom?”

“Right!”

*************************

IMG_9215

Tonight, my five year old and I put a soft blanket and a small gift card for a coffee shop in a gift bag. He wrote the card, and signed it “Secret Santa.”

We quietly snuck next door and crept up onto the pitch black front porch. We dropped the gift near the front door, then ran like crazy when we heard a dog barking inside. We gave each other high fives on our own front porch when we were in the clear.

Kendall beamed from ear to ear. “YES! WE DID IT!”

Tonight, I experienced the most joyous Christmas moment of my life… so far. We’re only halfway through our Random Acts Of Kindness Elf challenge.

Thank you, Jake, for showing my kid how magical giving to others can be, and for giving me the honor of watching him make the discovery.

December 20, 2013 36 comments
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InappropriateElf

2013 Inappropriate Elf Contest #InappropriateElf

by Jill November 29, 2013
written by Jill

Listen, elf. I know this job of yours is stressful this time of year. Parents are putting a lot of pressure on you to perform. They want you to MAKE MAGIC with cotton balls, sugar cubes, and dry erase markers!

They want you to make the kids believe in you so much that they can be stopped mid-meltdown in the aisles of Target with the mere mention of your “name.”

And sometimes it’s a really freaking ridiculous name.

“Sparkles the Elf is going to tell Santa you weren’t good today if you don’t stop that right now!”

“Sparkles”??? For fucks sake, your name is Adam. I get it. It’s enough to drive you to drink and take some pills.

DrunkElf

You’ve reached your breaking point. You’ve considered all the ways out.

psychoelf

And then you just gave up and went wild.

SpringBreakElf

This same approach happened over and over with elves across the world….

Inappropriate Elf Contest 2011
Inappropriate Elf Contest 2012

ending in some unintended consequences for a few.

SheDidntKnowElf

But now it’s really caught up to you, elf. I’m so sorry to tell you that Santa just informed me you’ve been demoted.

InappropriateElf2013

I have no idea what your new job will be, but here are a few examples of what’s happened to some of your inappropriate co-workers.

FoxSaysElf

He spends his days trying to figure this out for once and for all. Until then, he has to play the song on repeat. He twitches in his sleep, screaming out “Ring ding ding ding er WHAT DOES IT SAY?!” until he wakes in a cold sweat.

HumpDayElfPhoto credit: GEICO/You Tube

No more Marshmallow Mondays at the Candy Cane Bar. No more Fa La La La Fridays, throwing snowballs with the guys. Now it’s just a job of pushing paper in a cubicle next to this guy. The elf is equal parts terrified and curious to know how and why Santa removed his antlers.  It’s obvious that office work leads to bad posture and humps on your back. It’s rough, man. Rough.

MileysElfWith a little illustration help from HaHas For HooHas.

He’s responsible for sanitizing her foam finger and wrecking ball. I think that’s all you need to know.

RobFordsElfPhoto Credit: Chris Young/The Canadian Press

Minutes after this picture was taken, Ford took a cue from this Inappropriate Elf  and peed his own name in the snow right outside the window of a children’s hospital as a holiday party went on inside. Then he told Matt Lauer he can’t be blamed because he was too wasted to remember. Apparently, he spiked the kids’ punch… then drank it all while his elf was passing out presents.

I sure hope you find yourself in a much more tolerable job, elf. Because, like I said, I get it. I can see why you and countless other elves get a little inappropriate this time of year. Maybe Santa will let you go to rehab instead? I’ll see what we can work out.

************

I have a feeling this isn’t going to deter the other elves from getting into a little trouble this year, though. So let’s see what they’re up to. Are you ready to submit a picture of your inappropriate elf?

First, MAKE SURE YOU READ THE RULES. 

Here’s what’s on the line.

InappropriateElfPrizes13

You have until 11:59 pm CST on December 18th to link up your elf picture. After that, HaHas for HooHas will help me narrow down the top 10, and a panel of guest judges (yet to be announced) will vote to determine the top 2.

I’ll announce the winner on December 23rd. More details and dates can be found in the rules. 

Follow the directions in the Linky Tools below. Good luck, and may the elves be ever in your favor!



November 29, 2013 104 comments
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InappropriateElfPopular Posts

5 Highly Inappropriate & Traumatizing Elf On The Shelf Ideas

by Jill November 30, 2011
written by Jill

This Elf On The Shelf thing, have you heard of it? My mom says she had an Elf that watched her and her sisters before Christmas growing up, and apparently it’s made a resurgence because you can now buy your very own Elf, complete with book in commemorative box from Target.

Of course, that’s where I got ours, being the cliche suburbanite that I am.

Okay, so the deal is this Elf is to watch the kids every day (from about Thanksgiving until Christmas) and report back to Santa every night. That’s how he knows if they’re naughty or nice… so the tale goes.

Oh, but it’s not that simple.

Because we all know that “Christmas Magic” doesn’t just happen on it’s own without the help of Elf Mom and Elf Dad. And really awesome Elf Parents don’t just move the Elf every night so that the kids can look for it the next day. Really awesome Elf Parents come up with really creative, cute, funny things for their Elf to “do” every night. There are TONS of ideas out there. Some are quite elaborate and messy.

But what if you want to move beyond simply “creative” into “traumatizing”? What if you want to really give them something to talk to their future therapist about?

I present to you…

5 Highly Inappropriate & Traumatizing Elf On The Shelf Ideas

Elf on a Bender
He’s sick of Santa not believing in his dream of becoming a Vegas Showgirl, so he drowns his sorrows in your mom and dad’s booze and pills and plays hookie from work.

Closet Crossdresser Elf
 Oops! You caught him playing in your mom’s lingerie.

Hangover Elf
He woke up in a pile of lacy satin with a raging headache and had to make a mad dash for the john. (Bonus for creativity if you make the puke look like peppermint swirls.)

Crime Scene Elf
Blitzen got word that he was on his way to murder Santa, so he had to gouge his eyes out with his antlers, throw him to the floor and step on him.

Toe Tag Elf
Because nobody from the North Pole is going to claim a cross-dressing elf who drinks too much, has a pill problem, and tries to kill Santa.

Since I am nothing if not a really awesome Elf Mom, I had HUGE plans for all the adorable, creative things Jake (that’s what we named ours) would do every night. Oh yes, I was going to post a picture every day on my Tumblr blog (the one I abandoned 3 months into my 365 project). I was committed to seeing it through… until I 11:35 pm the first night.

Now, every night before I drift off to sleep, I sit straight up in bed in a panic. “Ugh, that fucking elf,” I huff as I throw the covers off of me and go to move him to another boring spot. The good news is my 3.5 year old doesn’t know any better.

It occurred to me last night, that I might have more fun with Jake if I could do things with him that would really make me laugh. It should be obvious to you all by now that I am immensely sarcastic and probably not best suited for motherhood in this respect.

Oh well.

 

 

November 30, 2011 138 comments
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