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crystal ball

Expecting your first baby? Come, sit at my table and look into my crystal ball with me. I have many exciting predictions for your future!
PregnancyThe Story

Look Into My Crystal Ball, Expecting Moms

by Jill April 23, 2013
written by Jill

Expecting your first baby?

Come, sit at my table and look into my crystal ball with me. I have many exciting predictions for your future!

That beautiful white rug you just bought, to go with those mirror-plated side tables? TOAST. In 2 years, you will literally think to yourself out loud, “That was the stupidest idea ever.”

There will be a moment (or 20) sometime in the next 5 years when you  sit in the middle of a room littered with toys and snack wrappers, staring off into space, while at least one child runs circles around you, climbs over you, jumps on your back, then smears an unknown substance on your person. You will not move. You will be too exhausted. You will walk around the rest of the day with the crusted substance stuck to you. You will maybe remember to wash it off before passing out in your bed that night.

Your clean car will soon become a goldfish graveyard, and you’ll be happy to just keep dirty diapers out of it. When you find you’re missing a child’s shoe, sock, clip, jacket, you will ask yourself and/or your partner, “Did you check the car yet?”

You’ll stop caring if the color of your nail polish matches your wardrobe for the week. You’ll actually avoid nail polish because the effort is so futile, and really, you’ll just be concerned that you get all the poop out from under your nails after a messy diaper change.

The most romantic thing your partner can do for you in the future will be to wake early with the kid(s). Even more sexy? He/she makes breakfast with them and then does all the dishes.

You’ll realize that all the time and money you spent on pinning and buying the cutest and trendiest baby gear and nursery decor was simply a way to keep yourself occupied before the baby came, and nothing of real importance to actually raising a baby (although, you do get bonus points for actually using the things that keep them safe properly).

On probably more than one occasion, you will find yourself in the middle of a parking lot, attempting to scrape a toddler off the asphalt as they scream at you. People passing by will offer looks of sympathy, shock, horror and disgust. You will throw the child over your shoulder, wrestle them into their carseat, then have a strong desire to open the bottle of wine you purchased right there in the parking lot. It’s okay to drink before 5 on days like this, just so you know.

No exaggeration, you will love that kid more than you can even possibly wrap your head around right now. Even after the parking lot scene. You may wish that they would take an extra long nap that day, but you will always have enough in you for an “I love you.” You will love them even when they drive you to drink. Even when they make you cry.

Oh, and yeah, they will make you cry. Sometimes they’ll make you cry about logical, sad, heart-breaking things. Sometimes tears of joy. Sometimes they will make you cry because you can’t remember the last time you got to go to the bathroom alone.

One day (many days, actually) you will find yourself doing something, and you’ll remember exactly the time in your life – prior to having children- when you said you’d NEVER do that. And you’ll laugh.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this fortune telling session. Do not be afraid, for even though these fortunes may sound terrifying, you will survive… if you keep your sense of humor.

CrystalBall

April 23, 2013 11 comments
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@babyrabies

  • I haven’t taken many bump pics, but I’ve practically lived in the same three outfits since the beginning, and I’ve worn one of my three pairs of @blanqigirls Everyday Maternity Belly Support Leggings every 👏 single 👏 day 👏 for the past five months. 
They were great in the beginning when I was more bloated than bumpin’, and are lifesaving now that this bump has become a little more burdensome. I won’t shut up about them. Their Black Friday Sale is still going on, and these leggings are 50% off with code BLANQI50.
  • Five years ago I got this cute flannel dress for 80% off at The Gap. When the cashier was checking me out she said in a small voice, “um, you know this is a maternity dress, right?” I did NOT know that, but replied without skipping a beat, “yes, I’m expecting!” and spent the whole ride home wondering to myself 1. why it was her business if I knew what I was buying 2. why I blurted out a lie so quickly 3. if I’d ever actually wear it. 
I kept it. I wore it! Lots before getting pregnant, and for the first time as a “maternity” dress today. 
PSA - underneath I’m wearing @blanqigirls maternity leggings and support tank, which should be every pregnant woman’s uniform and they’re having a KILLER SALE right now.
  • No longer in the “could just be tacos” phase. 🌮 👏 🤰🏻
  • I just wanted to take a picture under the words GOAT SCALE, but I’m now realizing there were many, many missed opportunities for creative placement.
  • Starting all over with a new FB page! If you want to follow there, the link is in my bio. The blog will officially relaunch soon! #babyrabies
  • We haven’t purchased a single baby thing yet. I’ve meandered into the baby section at stores lately, but for some reason I feel silly even perusing the racks. But after my OB appointment this morning, I ran to Target for... literally no other reason than it drew me in with its gravitational force. I spent about 10 minutes looking for tops that fit that aren’t long sleeved or flannel tunics, but quickly gave up. On my way out I rushed through the baby section, barely looking, and out of nowhere I made the very first baby purchase... which felt surreal, but not nearly as surreal as feeling it move for the first time yesterday. I was worried I wouldn’t be sure when it happened, but it was pretty dang unmistakable, and odd, and... yup. I guess there really is a baby in there. Weird.
  • It’s the first day of Fall (or the first day of Summer Part Deux for us southerners) and finally, finally pregnancy is manifesting itself as something more than sheer exhaustion, boobs, and moods. My hair is magically happier this week despite literally months of straight up neglect (seriously I desperately need a chop), my nails somehow survived an out of state work gig that required lots of lifting and tinkering and my nails never survive events, my skin is behaving itself suspiciously well, aaaaaand I haven’t pooped in 3 days (which I’m much less excited about obviously). My bump still pales in comparison to some burrito babies I’ve had, but it’s nice feeling like exhaustion and titties are no longer the only thing I have to show for all this.
  • I do not take for granted that I work for myself and can nap when I need to, at almost any time I need to. 
I do not take for granted that the only beings I’m responsible for are four-legged and pretty chill. 
I do not take for granted that I have a partner who gladly cleans the house on Sundays while I nap for 70% of the day. 
And I definitely do not take for granted the tiny procrastinator I am housing who I’m pretty sure puts off all its growing for the week to the last 48 hours and crams it in at the end rendering me semi-conscious and starving every weekend. (Not pictured: the drool on the other side of my mouth)
  • We joke that @jillkraus.e had my child when she had her daughter Leyna. We have a lot in common, mainly our smirky face and love of all things pickled. But truth be told, she was SO suspicious of me when she was a baby. Like, I *looked* like her mom, but I wasn’t her mom, she didn’t trust this dark haired doppelgänger whose boobs were useless. (posting throwbacks because still not much going on over here to see besides exhaustion and looking like a kinda bloated porn star. 😳)

Buy Jill’s Book

50 Things to Do Before You Deliver: The First Time Moms Pregnancy Guide

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