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How To Talk To Your Children About Sexual Abuse- Warning Signs, Facts, and Resources
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How To Talk To Your Children About Sexual Abuse- Warning Signs, Facts, and Resources

by Jill
written by Jill

The thought of anyone harming our children in any way, especially sexually, is horrifying. As a parent, I wish I could live in a world where I don’t have to worry about shielding my children from sexual abuse, but the fact is we all have to be proactive when it comes to protecting our children.

I’m honored to have my friend Melissa Clark, a licensed professional counselor, guest posting about what may be a triggering subject for some. This post will discuss sexual abuse of minors- warning signs to look for, and how to talk to your children about it.

I hope you will share this incredible resource with your friends, support groups, and other parents in your life.

I’m not sure what specifically I was doing the first time it happened. Maybe putting my books away in my locker or walking to my next class. I was the new kid in middle school. I do remember feeling fear, panic, and confusion. A boy from one of my classes took delight in touching me inappropriately as I passed from class to class, while we waited for the teacher to come in or stood in line to go to lunch. It happened so often that I don’t remember the details. But I remember the panic and the frozen feeling of powerlessness. And the fear— there was a lot of fear. Would something else happen? Why can’t I stop this from happening? That year, I began taking Benadryl to help me sleep, and I started getting lots of stomach aches. I skipped as much school as I could without getting into trouble because I didn’t want to be there. And I’ve never told anyone about this until just now.

I’m telling you now, dear parent, because I want to help protect your sweet littles from people who want to abuse and take advantage of your children.

I’m a counselor now; I sit with individuals who have faced all kinds of horrific tragedies of abuse and trauma. In addition to my own story, I want to share what I’ve learned from the hundreds of amazing, brave, strong women and men I have met with, as well as helpful research and resources to help you protect your children.

How To Talk To Your Children About Sexual Abuse- Warning Signs, Facts, and Resources

Know the facts (even though you may not want to).

    • 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before they turn 18 years old.
    • 30% of children are abused by family members.
    • As many as 60% are abused by people the family trusts.
    • 27.8% of boys are age 10 or younger at the time of their first rape/victimization.
    • About 35% of victims are 11 years old or younger.
    • The average age at which girls first become victims of prostitution is 12 to 14 years old and the average age for boys is 11 to 13 years old.
    • Nearly 40% are abused by older or larger children.

Stranger danger is a MYTH.

We tend to think that strangers pose the greatest risks to our children, but research shows that sexual predators are usually friends and family.

People who abuse children look and act just like everyone else. In fact, they often go out of their way to appear trustworthy, seeking out settings where they can gain easy access to children, such as sports leagues, faith centers, clubs, and schools. (www.d2l.org)

Teach with your kids about personal boundaries.

I recently went to a workshop where the presenter spoke on boundaries for kids. She stated she asks her kids for a hug and kiss, giving them the option to say no. The intention is to teach them they have choice and control over their bodies. This helps children become less vulnerable to people who would violate their boundaries.

    • Use anatomically correct names for body parts or at least teach your child what the actual words are for their body parts. It’s uncomfortable (at least for me!) to say the correct terms, but children need to know.
    • Talk to your children about what parts of their bodies others should not touch. Talk to them about which parts of their bodies are private.

Reduce risk. Protect children.

Think carefully about the safety of any isolated, one-on-one settings. Choose group situations when possible. More than 80% of sexual abuse cases occur in isolated, one-on-one situations.

If you eliminate or reduce isolated, one-on-one situations between children and adults, as well as children and other youth, you’ll dramatically reduce the risk of sexual abuse. (www.d2l.org)

    • Think carefully about the safety of situations in which older youth have access to younger children. Make sure that multiple adults are present who can supervise.
    • Set an example by personally avoiding isolated, one-on-one situations with children other than your own.
    • Understand that abusers often become friendly with potential victims and their families by participating in family activities, earning trust, and gaining time alone with children.

Monitor your child’s Internet use. Offenders use the Internet to lure children into physical contact.

    • Teach children not to give out personal information while using the Internet, including email addresses, home addresses, and phone numbers.
    • Tell your child that no one should take pictures of their private parts.

Watch for changing patterns.

Physical signs:

    • Bleeding, bruises, or swelling in genital area
    • Bloody, torn, or stained underclothes
    • Difficulty walking or sitting
    • Frequent urinary or yeast infections
    • Pain, itching, or burning in genital area (www.rainn.org)

Behavioral signs:

    • Changes in hygiene, such as refusing to bathe or bathing excessively
    • Develops phobias
    • Exhibits signs of depression or post-traumatic stress disorder
    • Expresses suicidal thoughts, especially in adolescents
    • Has trouble in school, such as absences or drops in grades
    • Inappropriate sexual knowledge or behaviors
    • Nightmares or bed-wetting
    • Overly protective and concerned for siblings, or assumes a caretaker role
    • Returns to regressive behaviors, such as thumb sucking
    • Runs away from home or school
    • Self-harms
    • Shrinks away or seems threatened by physical contact (www.rainn.org)

My signs were becoming withdrawn, avoiding school, stomach aches, and self-medicating to numb the pain.

No secrets.

Perpetrators ask children to keep secrets, to not tell anyone about the abuse. They inform the child that they won’t be believed or threaten to harm a family member if the child doesn’t keep the secret. Inform your kids that body secrets are not okay and to always tell you if someone threatens them. My daughter was punched while in kindergarten. The child told her not to tattle, warning her something bad would happen if she did. Trembling and so frightened, she bravely told us. Because of her courage, my husband and I advocated for her.

Believe them.

I never told anyone about what happened to me at school because I was afraid I wouldn’t be believed. I was afraid that it was my fault and somehow I caused that boy’s behavior. I kept the secret buried until now. Talk to your kids. Believe your kids. It’s tough and heartbreaking, but they need you to teach, advocate for, and empower them.

How To Talk To Your Children About Sexual Abuse- Warning Signs, Facts, and Resources

Melissa is a licensed professional counselor in Dallas, TX. When she isn’t counseling, speaking, or blogging, you can find her sifting through clearance racks or perusing online for her next travel destination.  She lives in the Dallas area with her handsome hubby and two cute kiddos (and a crazy rescue dog). For more information, please follow her at melissaclarkcounseling.com.

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Shake Those Money Makers: Tax Write-Offs for Parents {contributor}
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Shake Those Money Makers: Tax Write-Offs for Parents {contributor}

by Julie Forbes
written by Julie Forbes

We can always count on Julie Forbes to bring the intelligent and well-researched pieces to this blog. She doesn’t disappoint today! I had NO idea we could write off all the money Scott spent on the little league team last year! 

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Who says being a stay-at-home parent doesn’t pay the bills?

Everyone.  Because it doesn’t.

But, that doesn’t mean you can’t claim some tax deductions.  All parents, whether you stay-at-home or are working, have plenty of opportunities to itemize.

You probably already know that each one of those money-sucking life forms you pop out grants you another ~$1,000 tax credit each year, and you get to add another exemption.

But there are quite a few others that you may not be aware of.

Here’s a breakdown of some parenting chores, and how they can help you at tax time:

Breast-feeding

Your boobs are tax deductible!  Ok, so maybe your boobs aren’t tax deductible, but if your breasts are milk-makers, they’ve now become money-makers.  Just recently, the IRS softened its stance and said that even though breastfeeding isn’t “medically necessary,” (meaning, it doesn’t require a prescription) it can be considered deductible.

You may know that health-related deductions typically fall into a category that doesn’t help you out unless you have medical deductions that add up to more than 10% of your annual income.  That’s usually a pretty high benchmark for people.  Don’t count it out just yet though because, remember, in the year that you deliver a baby, your medical expenses are probably higher than most years, so you could qualify.

And, if you don’t, Chris Williams, Managing Partner of Green Valley Taxes Inc., in Napa, California says, “Frankly, I think if you work and you have to pump milk because you’re not with the baby, I think you could take that deduction in a different part of the Schedule A which is subject to the 2% floor of the AGI,” (adjusted gross income, or your total salary).

What he’s saying is that because the IRS has announced that it will now consider breast-feeding as a health deduction, the logic would follow that if you are breastfeeding to allow you to work, than its now acceptable to claim it as a work expense.

And, you can also assume that anything associated with breast pumps would also be included (the IRS doesn’t exactly elaborate on these subjects).  But, logic would tell you that breast pumps don’t just fall into this category (as long as you didn’t receive it for free from your health insurance company), you could also claim all of the pieces of equipment you need to make breastfeeding happen: breastshields, tubing, milk storage containers, a sanitizer, bottles, etc.

If you’re thinking, “Man, I wish I would have known about this when my child was a baby!” you can always go back and file an amended return for the past 3 years.  It’s not too late to make those claims.

Laundry

Your regular load of food-stained onesies doesn’t count as a deduction, but if you or your spouse are required to wear a uniform to work (and, no I don’t mean that pair of yoga pants you wear everyday) that counts as a deduction.  A “uniform” is a set of clothing that you wouldn’t wear outside of work.  Think: a firefighter, a police officer, or even someone who wears medical scrubs.

These are all considered uniforms, so not only is the cost of these items deductible, but so is the upkeep or laundering of these items.  If you get them dry cleaned, hemmed or pressed, save the receipts.  And, if you do the laundry at home, add up the water, electricity and detergent that it took to keep that uniform clean throughout the year.

What exactly qualifies as a uniform?  Again, the IRS isn’t really big on details, but Williams says, for example, he would consider the dress clothes a doctor wears underneath his or her white coat to be a uniform, if the doctor changes clothes before they leave work.  Williams says, “Because it’s a medical situation and there are real concerns of germs, the types of clothing you’re wearing underneath is considered a uniform because you’re concerned about cross-contamination.”

Cooking

If only every grocery store run could be considered a deduction, it would take away the pain of the large bill at check-out, but that’s not the case.  But the food you buy that is considered, “medically necessary,” is.  For example, if you are breastfeeding and having trouble keeping up your supply, whatever the doctor recommends to help increase your supply would be considered medically necessary.  Or, if your child’s doctor recommends certain foods be added to their diet for health reasons, those too would be considered deductible.

(And, no, the wine you need to maintain your sanity does not count.)

Spring Cleaning

Who doesn’t love cleaning out the toy room, and getting rid of some of the junk?  Instead of handing it to a neighbor or friend, donate it to a charity, and watch the savings pour in.  “You’d be surprised how much that adds up by the end of the year,” says Williams.

It’s one of the few deductions that is not dependent on how much money you make.

Williams recommends that you don’t just get a receipt from the organization, but also take a picture of the pile you’re donating.  But, Williams says, “Don’t let a lack of receipt completely blow you out of the water with a deduction.  You only need a receipt if you’re challenged and audited.”  Williams goes on, “If you made the donation, you’re entitled to the deduction.  Claim it.”

IMG_1227

Coaching the Team

If you’re the one who got talked into coaching the little league team, you’re in luck!  You can’t deduct your time, but you can deduct all of the expenses that go into it.  If you need to buy any balls, helmets or bats for the team, those are all tax-deductible.  All of the miles you travel to practices and games are also deductible.  And, if you’re the team mom, the snack you buy is tax deductible.

You can’t just form a baseball team with the neighbors and write it all off though; this does have to be with a qualified organization.

Childcare

Most families probably know that if both parents are working, or looking for work, they can claim their childcare expenses.  Daycare or nanny care probably comes first to mind, but, did you know this also extends to after-school activities, summer camps and preschools?  This isn’t a tax deduction, it’s a tax credit, which means, money back in your pocket.

You’re allowed to claim up to $3,000 for one child and up to $6,000 for two or more children.

All the Single Ladies (and Guys)

If you’re a single mom or dad, you will get a big tax bump because you’re not considered “single” any more, but you’re now the “head of the household.”  And, that will bring you into a totally different tax calculation.

Hopefully, this helps take away some of the pain come tax time.

Do you have any other parenting tax deductions to add?  Please share!

Of course, we are not actual tax professionals and we can not guarantee the accuracy of anything in this post. Please consult your own tax professional if you have any questions.

TaxWriteOffsForParents

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The Age Of Innocence {Contributor}
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The Age Of Innocence {Contributor}

by Jill
written by Jill

Julie Forbes is contributing today with a little insight on what “that look” means…

It was 5:15am. The kids had been up for over an hour. “Shhhh! Some people are lucky enough to still be asleep,” I hissed, as we walked down the hotel hallway.

We were on a vacation trip to Hawaii. The kids must not have received the memo that the time change meant they could sleep in. They were still on West Coast time. All three of them woke up before 4am, and the baby had woke me up twice during the night to nurse.

I was walking around the hotel so that my husband could sleep in because 1) I was feeling generous that day, and 2) I know that he’s even crabbier than I am when he’s tired.
We were in Hawaii for my husband’s conference.

He spent much of the day at the meeting, so I had all of the duties of ‘mom’ transferred to a smaller space, with less sleep and more sand. Everybody needed me at every second. Everybody wanted me at every second. I was on vacation in Hawaii, and I should’ve seen it as a dream come true, but instead I was tired and angry.

I was trying to corral the kids to the hotel coffee shop, passing the bleary-eyed hotel workers, mad about life. We finally made it to the coffee counter, only to find a sign that said, “Open at 6am.” No coffee, no sleep, and nothing to do to entertain 3 little kids because the sun wasn’t even up yet, when a woman passed me with the look. You know the one. I had seen it many times on our trip.

We were in Hawaii after Labor Day, so the majority of people there were people who didn’t have kids in school. People my parents’ age, in their 50s and 60s, and every single one of them kept giving me “the look.” It’s that look when people whose kids have grown, see your family with little kids, and all of the sudden a glaze sweeps over their eyes. They start daydreaming, with rose-colored glasses, about their days with their little kids. They look peaceful, they smile at you, and they want to say, “Enjoy every second. It goes so quickly.”

But, they don’t have to say it…the look on their face says it all. It’s a look that usually makes my eyes roll, but on that morning, it terrified me. It terrified me because I was thinking, “If they’re looking back at this age so longingly, what the hell does the future hold? What could be so terrible, that it makes these exhausting, tiring, needy days so wonderful? If this is the best that it ever gets, am I prepared to handle the future?” I was too tired to even think about it.

Soon after we returned home, my husband ran into a former boss whose oldest son is in his teens. When my husband asked him how his son was doing, he sighed, and said, “The age of innocence is over.” He didn’t elaborate, but it was enough to get me thinking, “Is his son not trying in school? Is he being a hormonal jerk? Is he drinking? Is it worse?”

It made me think of a phrase my good friend’s mom told me, Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems.

Sure, my 7 month old won’t take a bottle, my 2.5 year old thinks biting is an appropriate solution to any problem and my 4.5 year old can’t hold a pencil the correct way to save his life. Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems.

It all seems to pale in comparison to kids who don’t want anything to do with you. Staying up all night with an infant seems like nothing compared to staying up all night wondering if your child is drinking and driving. A toddler who won’t eat her vegetables is nowhere near as concerning as a teen struggling with an eating disorder. Scraped knees on bikes don’t hold a candle to the first time you get a phone call telling you that your child has been in a car accident.

I finally realized what that “look” meant. While the days are long, they’re filled with hugs, and I love yous, sloppy kisses and moments that you never want to end. They’re filled with giggling, growing and love. They’re filled with little problems that you find solutions for. Days of holding hands, nursing babies, and laying in bed for ‘just one more minute.’ Everyone wants you at every second. Everyone needs you at every second. And I’m going to do my best to enjoy this age of innocence for every (long) waking hour it entails.

JuliesFamilyHawaii

This is what I’ll remember of our Hawaii vacation when I’m 60, giving some new mom “the look.”

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The Tear Free Way To Teach Your Child To Ride A Bike {Contributor}
School Age DaysToddlers

The Tear Free Way To Teach Your Child To Ride A Bike {Contributor}

by Jill
written by Jill

Contributor Julie Forbes is somewhat of a mom-pro these days, with 3 kids 4 and under. She’s been telling me all about the magic that is the balance bike, so I asked her to write this post… maybe because I wanted her to convince me? And I think she just did.

The tear free way to teach your child to ride a bike | BabyRabies.com

Dreading the scraped knees and the tears that will follow when teaching your child to ride a bike? Then re-think the traditional approach. There’s an easier way to do it that’s totally worked for all my kids so far!

Step #1: Buy a balance bike
Here’s why: Balance bikes teach kids the hardest part of riding a bike=learning to balance. Learning to pedal is not hard, but learning to keep the bike upright is.
The tear free way to teach your child to ride a bike | BabyRabies.com

On a traditional bike with training wheels, kids first learn to pedal. Once they have that down, you take off the training wheels and the child has to learn to balance. In my mind, that order is backwards.

On the contrary, a balance bike is just a bike without any pedals, and it sits low to the ground. That way, kids naturally sit on the bike and walk along with it. As they get more comfortable, they start to run with it. Then once they get going, they pick their feet up off the ground to make the bike go faster.

In the process, they’re learning to balance. If the bike becomes wobbly, they can quickly put their feet on the ground to stabilize themselves. Just like it’s easier to rub your tummy when you’re not also patting your head, it’s easier to learn to balance when you’re not also trying to pedal too.

Step #2: Let them get comfortable
We bought our first-born a balance bike for his second birthday. Within a few months, he was flying on it.

(Notice how he is picking his feet up and balancing on his own?)

After seeing the success with his balance bike, we bought our second-born a balance bike right after she started to walk. By the time she was 1.5 years old, she was pretty confident on it.

Step #3: Introduce the pedals
Eventually, you’ll notice that your child barely has his or her feet on the ground when they’re on their balance bike. They’ll get so comfortable balancing, they’ll eventually just use their feet to push off the ground and propel themselves forward. You’ll be amazed at how fast they’ll go!

We bought my son a pedal bike for his third birthday and immediately took off the training wheels. We moved the seat to the lowest position so that it felt similar to the balance bike.

My son initially used the pedal bike just like his balance bike: he pushed himself along the ground avoiding the pedals. This was kind of cumbersome (as the pedals were getting in the way), so I explained to him that he could go a lot faster if he’d just put his feet on the pedals to push himself forward. After a few days of my nagging, he finally tried it… and it was magic!

The tear free way to teach your child to ride a bike | BabyRabies.com

Just before he turned 3.5, he took off on his bike and hasn’t looked back since. No scraped knees, tears or training wheels required.
It’s as simple as that.

 

There’s not a whole lot of teaching involved because the process just develops naturally.  It’s an intuitive way for kids to learn

I know what you’re thinking: it’s just another thing to buy.  But, I have two answers to that:
1. Don’t waste your money on a tricycle, Big Wheel or other toddler-aged pedal bike.  Just go straight to the balance bike.
2. There are 2-in-1 balance bike/pedal bike combos on the market… so you start it as a pedal bike and then eventually add the pedals.
Have you used a balance bike?  Did it work for you?  Share your stories (and pictures)!
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On Facebook? You should definitely go like Julie’s page. And check out balance bikes on Amazon here. (Affiliate)
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You’ve Got To Hear This 4 Year Old’s Fashion Advice- {Contributor}
contributorsSchool Age DaysVideos

You’ve Got To Hear This 4 Year Old’s Fashion Advice- {Contributor}

by Jill
written by Jill

Y’ALLLLLLLLLLL!!! I have known Caroline since she was a wee embryo. She and Leyna were born weeks apart. When her mom, Suzanne (also a regular contributor here) posted Caroline’s new YouTube adventure on Facebook, I was DYING FROM THE AMAZING CUTE CONFIDENCE. And immediately begged to share it with you all because 1. you will love it and 2. pretty sure your kids might love it. 

So Suzanne’s here today with a little bit of info about what motivates Caroline’s style, and how she’s navigating social media with her 4 year old.

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I have very few real parenting philosophies, but “Pick Your Battles” is at the top of a short list. Forcing Caroline to wear anything she doesn’t want to wear is not a hill I am willing to die on. The window of opportunity where she truly has her own style, uninfluenced by TV shows or magazines or models or those trashy tween stores at the mall is SO SMALL I want to let her enjoy it while she can.

I want her to learn what she likes, learn to express herself, truly learn what her style means. I don’t have a personal style to speak of (unless yoga pants and nursing tanks are somehow fashion) so I can’t help her in any artistic or sartorial ways. All I can do is support her with my enthusiasm for her choices and reassurance she looks fabulous in ANYTHING she wears.

style photo 2

So…. my 4 and a half-year-old just started her own YouTube channel. It’s about fashion and style and she named it Caroline’s Style Video Show. She would really like for you to watch it.

A very brief word about letting my kid be on YouTube: I live a lot of my life online – as a lot of people, both bloggers and non-bloggers – do these days. I make conscious decisions about what I share and what I don’t share in the name of privacy and safety and internet weirdos. My husband and I talked about it and decided if Caroline wants to make style videos, we will let her make style videos.

She’s 4 and a half and 100% of her internet access is controlled and monitored by me, so I’m not too worried about digital footprint ruining her life some day. In fact, maybe she’ll use them to apply for jobs in fashion 20 years from now. Once she’s older and there’s a chance she could actually read the internet we’ll reevaluate.

And check out here newest episode of the Caroline’s Style Video Show, where she discusses wearing make-up and a costume for her dance recital.

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I would totally let my kids have their own YouTube channel if they were this passionate about something. I tried with Kendall, but he just kept picking his nose a lot. I feel like we need to break that habit first before we can jump into the saturated Minecraft videos for kids niche. 

You can see more of Caroline’s fashion on Suzanne’s Instagram @BeBehBlog and keep up with them over at BeBehBlog.com

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What Doctors Want You To Know About Potty Training {Contributor}
BabiescontributorsToddlers

What Doctors Want You To Know About Potty Training {Contributor}

by Jill
written by Jill

Contributor Julie Forbes is here today with potty-traning advice she got in a class, based on advice from the AAP, that she took at a children’s hospital last summer.

Good news, parents of toddlers!  You can relax a little bit. Not enough to let them break into the knife drawer, but it seems societal expectations of potty-training are quite out of line with medical expectations. So at least there’s that.

Personally, I started to feel the potty-training pressure around my son’s second birthday.  All of the sudden, people were asking me if we had started potty-training and how I planned on doing it.  My husband was coming home with stories from work about foreign-born co-workers who had potty trained their kids by their first birthday.  Some preschools were saying that my child had to be potty-trained to attend.

I felt completely behind.  I googled potty-training, read about different approaches, and next thing you know I’m stripping my child naked, giving him tons of juice and trying to get him potty-trained in a weekend.  Incredibly, he mastered peeing on the potty within the 3 day time period, but pooping was a completely different story.

He wanted nothing to do with the potty, the only way he’d drop a deuce was in his underwear, hiding behind the couch.  I thought I had failed, I googled more, I talked to our pediatrician, I washed a lot of underwear, and eventually I decided to ignore it and pick up potty training a few weeks later.

I went through this cycle over and over and over again…. for a year…. until, magically, one day, he started pooping in the potty (around the age of 3) and hasn’t had an accident since.

After a year of poopy underwear, I decided I hadn’t really mastered the whole potty-training thing the first time around, and I was going to do better with my daughter.  So, I attended a potty-training class put on by a children’s hospital, and left feeling completely relieved.

All of the information in the class was based on recommendations from the American Academy of Pediatrics.  As in, hundreds of childhood, medical experts have studied this kind of thing, and think this is the best way to do it.  (Which certainly holds more weight with me than what google or my childless great Aunt Helga thinks.)

Turns out, the problem was me.  I just needed to calm down, ignore what other people said, and wait a little bit.

What Doctors Want You To Know About Potty Training | BabyRabies.com

Here’s what I learned: 

Ignore Everyone’s Schedule, But Your Child’s:

You can’t will this to happen, and you have to wait for your child to be ready.  Sharon Rau, the pediatric nurse who put on the class is also the mother of 6 and grandmother of 10 (so, she’s done this a few times herself).  She says the biggest mistake she always made, was saying to herself: I have to get this child toilet-trained before the new baby arrives, or before grandma visits, or before vacation, etc.  She says the child has complete control over when this is going to happen and you have to wait for their signs of readiness.

Don’t listen to those condescending comments from frenemies, and ignore your mother-in-law’s side-eye.  There’s no need to hurry this along.

Look for These Signs of Readiness:

I thought as long as my child seemed interested in the potty and sat on it from time to time, that he was good to go.  But Rau says the two most important factors are:
1.) your child has decreased frequency in urinating.  (So, not only is the child not peeing as often, but when he or she does urinate, the diapers are extremely wet and heavy.)
And 2.) timely bowel movements, as in, you can set your watch to a poopy diaper.
Other things to look for: your child tells you when his or her diaper needs to be changed, hides to go pee or poop in a diaper, or changes facial expressions when pottying.

Those are the physical signs of readiness, but your child also has to be emotionally and mentally ready. Mental readiness means that your child knows the difference between wet and dry, and that he or she can understand directions.  Emotional readiness means that things are calm in your life and your child’s life.

For example, Rau says not to start potty-training right before a new baby arrives because the older child could very well revert to baby-like tendencies.  Don’t start potty-training when you have a lot of stress in your life, or you’ll take the stress out on the child.

One way to gauge the child’s readiness is by reading books about pottying.  If your child is saying things like, “I want to be a big boy and go poo poo on the potty too,” that’s a good thing.  If she’s saying, “I don’t want to use the potty,” or, “I like my diaper,” you may need to wait a little bit.

Wait for that sweet spot:

Look for your child’s signs of readiness and strike when the moment is right.  If you’ve timed it perfectly, it should only take a few weeks to master potty-training.  The AAP says that time is usually around 2.5 years old, but Rau says she thinks the longer you wait until 3, the better off you’ll be.  She said its like teaching a 2 month old to walk: the earlier you begin, the longer it will take.

Using the example of my child, I started when he was 2 years old and it took us a full year to potty train him.  If I had started when he was 2.5 years old, it would have taken us 6 months.  If I started when he was 3, he would have figured it out in a snap.  There’s no medal for potty-training early.  And, if you start too soon, you’ll just cause undue stress to yourself and your child.  Rau says, “If you wait for the right time, you’ll hardly know you’re potty training.”

If you have started potty-training and within 3 days you’ve had no success, just drop it.  Your child is not ready.

Pull out some pull-ups:

A potty-trained child is one who does not use a diaper during waking hours.  Waking hours, that’s it.  Nighttime wetness is not something that can be taught.  Sometimes, both daytime and nighttime control happen at the same time, but in a large percentage of children, nighttime dryness comes much later.  If you’ve convinced your child that he’s too big for diapers, then get some overnight pull-ups because you could be using them for a while.

In fact, Rau says pediatricians say that parents come to them waaaaaaay too early concerned about nighttime wetness.  Pediatricians say they don’t consider nighttime wetness to be a problem until the child is 10 or 11.  Yes, 10 or 11!

Some of the reasons that children will still urinate while sleeping is because they just sleep so deeply that they don’t even know they’re doing it.  Others dream that they got out of bed and went to the potty, but they’re just doing it in their diaper.  This is usually something that children grow out of and does not need to be medically addressed.

Don’ts:

Don’t ever punish (this includes humiliating or embarrassing over an accident.)
Don’t ever restrict fluids to achieve success.  Don’t wake a child at night to potty.
Don’t draw a huge amount of attention to an accident.

If you find that your child gets too upset over an accident, you may be making too big of a deal over this whole thing.  Calm down, and your child will calm down. Rewards are ok, such as praise or a pat on the back, stickers work well too.

Rau ended with this: if you forget everything else, just remember : Patience + Praise=Toilet Learning

Keep up with Julie and her life with 3 under 4 over at her Julie Forbes Facebook page. 

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Tips To Keep a 365 Photo Project From Becoming A Chore {Contributor}
contributorsPhotography

Tips To Keep a 365 Photo Project From Becoming A Chore {Contributor}

by Jill
written by Jill

Suzanne is blowing my mind with her 365 photo project. She’s making it look so easy that I asked her to write about it for me… I mean for all of you. I love her tips! Have to admit, I feel inspired to at least try. And hey! You! Before you click away because you’re not a “photographer” and don’t have a “fancy camera,” YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE AND DON’T NEED ONE! So there. At least stay for Suzanne’s cute kids.

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I started a 365 Photography project this year because I figured with three kids, a dog, a cat, a blog, a husband, a 100-year old house, a small photography business and myself to take care of I didn’t have enough to do. That’s mostly sarcasm, but there’s a tiny grain of truth too.

Taking 2 minutes each night to upload a photo is one thing I can always cross off my list and makes me feel like I accomplished something that day, even if it’s done while still in last night’s pajamas.

We’re now up to mid-March, so 70-something days of photos, and I can honestly say I haven’t cheated, haven’t missed a day, and haven’t even been tempted to quit. I have learned a lot about what I like to photograph (my kids outside) and what I hate to photograph (anyone under indoor lighting) and I’m here to tell you – YES YOU – that a 365 Project is something you can absolutely do. And you don’t have to wait for next year to do it – start your 365 today! Or tomorrow! Or the first day of next month or on your birthday or whatever day you want. Worry less, capture more.

Tips to keep your 365 photo project from becoming a chore | BabyRabies.com

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

1. Define Your Project – One picture a day can mean a lot more than you think! Are you going to take a picture every day or post a picture every day? Are you going to use your camera or your phone? Where are you sharing them? What are your goals? My rules are: One picture with my big girl camera from each day, taken that day and posted that day. No editing. I’m pretty sure I will eventually fail at the posting every day part but I’m determined not to fail at the taking a photo part.

It also helps to think about your end goal – I’m going to print all of mine in a book. The kids are obsessed with looking at our pictures and talking about how old they are and what the remember from that day. If this year goes well I’ll probably start again next year – maybe with different rules – so I can have a book every year.

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2. Capture Real Life… – Unless you live in a Pottery Barn catalog, your house is not perfect. Your kids are not perfect. Your food is not perfect. You live a real, full, interesting, messy life and documenting that is just as important as taking perfect smiling family portraits. Probably even more important. On days when you’re feeling creative and inspired by all means do something fancy. Go to a beautiful park, dress your kids in matching outfits, bribe everyone and get something you’ll want to print 4 feet big for the wall. But on most days, take a picture of your life as it is.

Top photo: Staged, styled, location scouted. Bottom photo: Called them weirdos and took the picture.

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3. …But Look For Your Slice Of Perfect – Learn where in your home has good light and use it use it use it. Find a blank wall and figure out how far you can back up away from it to get some negative space in your pictures. Practice shooting in AP mode or go full manual (this is a great time to practice!) so you can blur your backgrounds and underexpose to hide things in the shadows. Pick up clutter a little more or just shove it out of the way so it’s less distracting.

If you absolutely hate shooting in your house, get outside. Go somewhere photogenic like a museum or a garden or the beach and make a point to take one special shot that encompasses everything you love about that moment.

Top photo: I moved the red laundry basket out of the photo and opened one of the curtains to get light on the baby’s head. Bottom photo: The dark, blurry background hides a magnitude of sins (so does the wall on the right – the other side is the playroom).

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4. Push Yourself… – Take your camera EVERYWHERE. Get brave. Use it in Target, at the grocery store, in the mall, wherever life takes you that day. If you only have the kit lens that came with your camera, practice using it at different focal lengths. If you own other lenses, rotate them to get a variety. Try wide angle shots. Close ups. Night, morning, movement, still life, intentional blur, auto white balance, manual white balance, teeny tiny details or the whole big sky. I’m making a lot of technical mistakes while I try new stuff, but hopefully by the end of 365 days I’ve learned a lot of new things.

Top photo: If I hadn’t brought the camera to the pediatrician, I would have missed the moment when Caroline got her shot and cried “I want my brooooother!” and her brother immediately came to her rescue. Bottom photo: Freezing my butt and my fingers off to take snowflake macros is incredibly thrilling. I did this with a 100mm lens and a $12 magnification filter from Amazon.

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5. …But Know Your Limits – You know what would have absolutely killed my project? EDITING. Being able to “fix” my pictures means I end up with a huge backlog of unedited photos that never see the light of day because I still need to edit them. My rule for my project is I post straight-out-of-camera shots (SOOC in photographer talk) with no editing beyond what I can do in my camera menu. That means a lot of my photos have weird color, are a little crooked and aren’t composed perfectly. But it also means posting the photo really is a 2-minute task instead of a 30 minute chore. It’s also made it abundantly clear I am LAZY about taking straight photos.

Top photo: You know why the color is so bad? Because grocery store lights give off ugly yellow light and this is what it looks like unedited. Bottom photo: I used the black and white filter built into my camera to convert the picture, but didn’t touch it in Lightroom or Photoshop.

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So, there you go. I promise starting is the hardest part, after two weeks it’s a habit and you’ll stop forgetting to bring your camera everywhere. I post my photos on my personal Facebook and also on my Flikr page, so you can follow along there if you want to see what I’m up to. If you start one – or already have one! – link me in the comments so I can check it out. I’m obsessed with the details of people’s lives and this is a great way to get a peek.

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Working Mom Drops Mic {contributor}
contributorsParenthood

Working Mom Drops Mic {contributor}

by Jill
written by Jill

I have a pretty important guest post today from great friend and regular contributor Stephanie. I think once you read it, you’ll understand why she can’t put it on her own blog, which we won’t name for many reasons, but you can follow this link to learn more about her and follow more of her working-mom journey.

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This whole working mom gig can be such a mind-fuck sometimes.

You can get to a point in your role as a mom where you’ve come to terms with the fact that you’re not going to be with your kids as much as you’d like to. You understand that you won’t make every school play. You’re okay with not being there to greet them as they hop off the bus. You’ve resigned to the fact that you might miss field trips or Mother’s Day lunch or volunteering for the Fall Festival.

You can get to a point in your role as a working mom where you can confidently maneuver past the judgmental naysayers. You know your kids are well cared for. You know they’re thriving in daycare or after-school programs. You know that they’re independent and smart and that one day, they’ll understand why you spent time working out of the home and towards your family’s financial goals.

You can get to a point in your career where you know you’ve made a smart choice, professionally. You enjoy your job. You like working towards something you’re proud of. You feel like you’re accomplishing something worthwhile and valuable for the company you put so many hours of your precious time towards.

And then, all of a sudden, you get sucker punched. It comes from out of nowhere and completely knocks you off balance and onto your ass. You’re left blinking into a bright light and thinking, “what the hell just happened here? I had this all figured out; why do I feel so unsure about all of my choices now?”

Because the sucker punch to your gut didn’t come from a snide family member’s remark. It didn’t come a ‘friend’ who sometimes lets her insecurities over her own choices show in the form a passive aggressive comment. It didn’t come your child crying when you explain why you won’t be able to make it to their school event.

It came from another professional. Someone who apparently sees you as a “mom” and not a peer. A peer who in a moment of insecurity decided to grab at the only leverage they thought they had to pull you down – your motherhood. Your family life. Your role as a parent. The “mommy” in you trumps the “professional” in you.

As a woman working out of the home, perhaps I was naïve to think that I would never encounter such blatant sexism in a professional setting (silly me – to think that we might have come further than that in year 2015). But it still does, apparently, and it knocked me flat on my ass. It knocked the wind out of me, and stole my self-confidence, and made me second-guess every choice I’ve made in the past seven years.

 And then I shook that shit off – because fuck them. Screw their own insecurities trying to pull me down with them. I will not have that negativity in my life, I just won’t. I know who I am, and I know who my family is, and while they are fused together with golden thread they are not the same thing.

 I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a professional. I am a woman. And I am damn proud of all of that.

::mic drop::

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I’m so damn proud of Stephanie. Seriously, she amazes me with her devotion to both her family and her career. I hate that she even had to write this.

You shake that shit off, girl.

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10 Things People Who Fly With Small Children Will Totally Understand {contributor}
contributorsParenthoodToddlers

10 Things People Who Fly With Small Children Will Totally Understand {contributor}

by Jill
written by Jill

Contributor Julie Forbes is back today, breaking down the realities of flying with small kids. Y’all, I have wanted to cry for her sometimes when I read her adventures of taking 2 littles on long flights all by herself! She’s a total pro, and I have a feeling her sense of humor helps her survive what, to me, sounds awful.
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1. That joke of a changing table: 
If you don’t know about the “changing table,” it’s usually in the bathroom in the front of the plane.  You know, that bathroom that you can’t wait in line for.  Instead, you have to sit at your seat, wait for the occupied sign to turn off, and then dart down the aisle before someone else gets there.  Once you finally win the race to the bathroom, you can find the “changing table” over the toilet.  It’s about the size of a skateboard.  I’ve attempted to put both of my kids up there several times.  Each time, they panic and scream.  It’s as if they know, as well as you do, that this contraption was not designed to actually hold a child.  Be certain that while you’re in there, your child will hit the emergency call button that brings a flight attendant running.

2. So long, soft drinks:  
Say good-bye to the days when flights mean that you get to leisurely sip on mini cups of ginger ale or tomato juice (side note: why do people always order weird drinks on planes?).  When the flight attendant pulls up with the drink cart, just tell them to keep on walking.  Because if a drink is put within a foot of me or my children, it will be on the kids, me or the seats within minutes.  Sometimes, if I’m feeling adventurous, I’ll order water, with no ice, a lid and straw.
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3. The absurdity of a lap child:
Don’t get me wrong, I love not having to pay for an airline ticket for the first two years of a child’s life.  But once your baby turns 1, they take up so much room on your lap, there’s not room to do anything else.  That tray table is staying stowed in the upright and locked position for the duration of the flight.  Good luck trying to reach anything in that bag below the seat in front of you.  And, don’t even get me started about flying with a lap child while pregnant: that makes for 3 bodies stacked up on one tiny little seat.

4. The eternity of the seatbelt sign:
It never fails, as soon as that sign comes on, my potty-training child says he has to go to the bathroom.  Now.
I once made the mistake of taking him to the bathroom while the sign was on, during take-off.   I got yelled at by the flight attendant and we sat back down.  Sure enough, my son wet his pants before we were free to move about the cabin. 

5. All nutrition rules go out the window: 
I’m very strict about what my children eat.  I’ve even been known to torture them with things like kale porridge for breakfast.  But, when we’re on the airplane, it’s a free-for-all.  Shortbread cookies, cheese nips, pretzels, I don’t care.  When the flight attendant comes by with a basket full of goodies, I’m not about to give a lesson on nutritional food choices and its health benefits.  There are hundreds of ears confined into a tiny space that would be subjected to the toddler fit that would follow.  If it will entertain my children for 5 minutes, have at it.  In fact, letting my kids gorge on processed foods is about the only guaranteed way I know to keep them occupied.

6. The frustration of any change of plans: 
My best friend once got her son to sleep before the flight even took off.  She was so thrilled that she was going to have a nice, easy flight back home.  Then, they announced there was a problem with the plane, and they’d all have to get off the plane, go to another gate and re-board.  She actually started crying.
One time, I was traveling alone with my 1 & 3 year olds on a 7 hour flight on Christmas Eve when the fire alarm went off and we had to make an emergency landing in Las Vegas.  The longest day of my life just got a whole lot longer.  I actually started crying.

7. Unsolicited advice:  
Some sweet lady with good intentions always walks up at some point in the flight and says, “You may want to try nursing the baby during take-off and landing.  It’ll help with her ears.”  I want to respond with, “NO!  Get out!  When was this discovered, and why didn’t someone tell me that on our first 50 flights?”  But, I usually just smile sweetly, and say, “Thanks, I’ll try that.”  I usually don’t have a problem with well-meaning advice, unless I’m tired, the kids are tired and I’m on my 6th hour of trying to keep them entertained in a 3 foot space.

8. Pottying is a group affair: 
Because of my husband’s work schedule, I’m usually traveling alone with both kids.  So, when my 2-year old son would have to go to the bathroom, I couldn’t very well leave my newborn sitting in the seat alone, so we all go to the bathroom together.  People who join the mile high club think they’re flexible?  They’ve got nothing on us.  Picture me holding my newborn daughter, while trying to squat down in front of my son to pull down his pants and put him on the toilet…. all in that tiny little bathroom.  It’s enough to convince myself to never potty-train the other kids.

9. I’ve got baggage, lots of baggage:   
It is astounding how much gear such a tiny person requires.  Take a look at everything I had with me on a recent flight.  That’s a stroller, a pack ‘n play, 2 car seats, and four suitcases.  Granted, we were moving across the country, but a weekend trip wouldn’t have required much less.
Traveling with 2 kids | BabyRabies.com

10.  Short-term memory loss: 
It doesn’t matter how many mid-flight vows I make to never fly with children again, I always end up booking another trip.

*****
Make sure you like Julie’s page on Facebook to follow along as she navigates life through her 3rd pregnancy. 

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