A pack of ovulation predictor tests, a bottle of Merlot, and a box of tampons…those three things in my grocery cart at Target could only mean one thing – the bitch is back.
I held out as long as I could, trying to convince myself I was one of those freakish women who would never actually think they are pregnant until the contractions sent them running to give birth in the nearest bathroom because I could have something that resembled my period all nine months. I mean, who knows, I could be three months pregnant at this point, right? Maybe on top of that, I’m also one of those mythical pregnant women who never gets a positive home pregnancy test, despite being very pregnant. I really must let go of this very strange desire though. It’s just not healthy to believe in so many pregnancy fairtytales. I lost. There…I said it.
Well, if I’ve got to live through another round of cramps from the bowels of hell, I’m going to enjoy it. I drank half my bottle of wine last night, and, being the optimist I am, began telling myself how great it is that I have another month of freedom to drink and eat whatever I damn well please. I swear, if I don’t get pregnant soon, I’m going to start looking that way with all the weight I’m putting on from eating (and drinking) like it’s my last day on earth. In the past two months I’ve consumed a ridiculous amount of sushi, wine and soft cheese. I know that once that stick says I’m responsible for growing and providing nourishment to my husband’s unborn child, I will be ushered into my plastic bubble where I will undoubtedly go crazy, causing me to be committed shortly after the baby is turned over to it’s germaphobe father who works for the FDA – double whammy.
But hear this, AF – I may have lost the battle, but I will not lose the war! Just to prove my confidence in this, I only purchased the 40 pack of Tampons, not my usual Jumbo 80 pack.