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      November 27, 2018

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      November 19, 2018

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      December 19, 2018

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babyrabies

babyrabies

On Fear And Learning To Fly- Israel Trip, Part 3
ParenthoodPhotographyPostpartum Anxiety & DepressionTravel

On Fear And Learning To Fly- Israel Trip, Part 3

by babyrabies September 28, 2015
written by babyrabies

When I got the email from Vibe Israel, asking me to to apply for a weeklong trip to a foreign country I’d only ever associated with conflict and war, I actually thought it was a joke.

And then after I checked out their pretty legit website, I asked some close friends if they’d do it. They all said YES, OF COURSE. And I thought they were crazy.

But, there was that voice in my head trying to silence my fear, and sift out the sounds of reason. It was telling me that this was a chance of a lifetime. It was trying to yell over my anxiety that everything was going to be fine, great!

I listened to it just long enough to apply, then hoped I wouldn’t get chosen.

I felt joy when I first got the official invite, nearly immediately followed by dread and doubt.

It wasn’t just the ideas I had about the (lack of) safety in Israel. I was also afraid because what if something happened to my family while I was half a world away, what if the plane crashed, what if I had a panic attack, what if I didn’t know enough about religion, what if I offended someone, what if World War 3 broke out and I was stuck in Israel trying to fight my way home, and had to befriend a zombie?

That last “what if” is courtesy of a lot of too many movies, I guess.

Up until the very last night, I wondered if I should back out. At one point, I thought my “gut” was trying to tell me it wasn’t going to end well, that this was one of those Final Destination moments when I should make the drastic choice to cancel everything, in order to avoid a tragedy I’d see on the news the next week.

You guys. Obviously that was CRAZY. I know this. Sometimes this is where my anxious brain goes, especially before I fall asleep. (My dreams are so super fun.)

I didn’t have much time to think anymore about it from the minute I got up super early the day of my flight. Yay, running late! By the time I got on my flight from Newark to Tel Aviv, I was so damn tired that I slept through most of the 10 hours. Andplusalso, Benadryl.

It was a super smooth flight, and nobody had any interest in keeping their window shades open, so I didn’t even have to think about flying over an ocean.

From the minute I arrived in Israel, I’m telling you, I felt 110% safe- safer than some places I’ve visited in our own country. That’s not to discount or diminish the real conflicts and tension that I know do exist there, but for the time I was there, the places WE visited, from north to south and between, didn’t make me feel unsafe.

All that said, there were still moments that it hit me that I was nearly as far away from my family as earthly possible. There were moments of panic, moments when I had to decide to stop checking the news (not for anything local… just in general.)

But then there were moments like dining on the roof of a hotel in Tel Aviv, and marveling at how far I’ve come… in so many ways. How is THIS my life?

IMG_4511

18 months ago, the voice of reason in my head would have been barely a whisper. Anxiety and fear would have been screaming at me to stay home. Hell, they didn’t even want me to go to the grocery store down the road. And back then a 2 hour flight felt like a one way ticket to the grave.

In the middle of the Dead Sea on the 2nd full day of the trip, I picked up some salt on the shoreline, and noticed the bracelets I absentmindedly slipped on my wrists that morning…

DeadSeaBracelets

Fly, warrior.

Goodness, did I ever.

Push play!

A video posted by Jill Krause (@babyrabies) on Sep 5, 2015 at 10:15am PDT

DeadSeaMud

September 28, 2015 2 comments
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The StoryTrying to Conceive

Tom knows??!!

by babyrabies July 17, 2007
written by babyrabies

No, not my husband (that’s not his name) and not my secret lover (that’s not his name either), Tom, MySpace Tom…he KNOWS I’m trying to get pregnant! He must. How else can I explain the recent appearance of all these pregnancy and baby related ads on my page? The ads for Red Bull, sexual enhancement products and hoochie mama clothes that were on there up until a week ago have been replaced with ads for diapers, both disposable and cloth, ovulation watches (yeah…that’s a concept that will leave many of you scratching your head) and mommy websites. I’ve come to two conclusions –

Conclusion 1. Tom tracks my visits to websites somehow (maybe with cookies? is that what they’re for?) and has seen the unusual number of baby related websites I’ve visited in the last month. Being the marketing savvy person Tom is, he tailors the ads on my page to match my internet browsing habits.

The problem with this conclusion is a) CREEPY that Tom has the power to do that b) makes me a little paranoid that my “friends” are going to start noticing these ads on my page and start suspecting I am TTC (or do THEY not see them?) and c) makes me wonder what the heck kind of person Tom thought I was when I was seeing the hoochie mama and sexual enhancement ads on my page.

Conclusion 2. I am suffering from a severe case of Pregnancy Vision, obviously brought on by the Baby Rabies. Symptoms of this can be noticing pregnant women EVERYWHERE you go, like they are following you in herds; cute, angelic babies around every corner; NOT seeing as many of the annoying, obnoxious babies that used to make you want to leave your romantic dinner date early to have your tubes tied; and, in general, feeling like you are being swallowed up in a world made for people who are procreating.

As much as I would like to believe my conspiracy theory about peeping Tom, I’m starting to lean toward conclusion two. Come to think of it, I’ve noticed the affects of Pregnancy Vision for a couple weeks now. I spent more time checking out the vast array of strollers at the National Zoo last weekend than I did checking out the animals. One of our conversations sounded like this…

Me: “Ooh, look hon, it’s a Quinny!”
My Husband: “What? Where? Is that a type of monkey?”

And, I swear, I can pick a pregnant lady out from a half mile away. Then I begin analyzing everything about her. What is she wearing? How is she carrying? Just a bump in front or is she building a solid foundation in her ass? When I see someone with a baby, that analyzing jumps into overdrive. I’m checking out the stroller, diaper bag, sling, how rested the parents look, did she have time to put on makeup today, is that puke I see crusted on her left shoulder, OMG did she seriously just wipe that kids snotty nose with her bare hand?

So you can see how I can attribute the seemingly sudden appearance of the ads to the PG Vision. For all I know, they were there all along and I was just ignoring them or not noticing them, much like I USED to not notice women wearing Hooter Hiders…

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

I just thought they were weird looking ponchos.

July 17, 2007 1 comment
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The StoryTrying to Conceive

Game On!

by babyrabies July 11, 2007
written by babyrabies

Last month was our first “official” month of trying to conceive. I spent a lot of time telling my husband and myself that it would be ridiculous if we got pregnant the first time around. I know that the chances of a healthy couple conceiving when timing is perfect is still only 1 in 4. I insisted that we just “have fun” with it, and that I wasn’t going to resort to any drastic measures.

Well, flash forward to a few days before the ideal window for peeing on a stick – I began doing just what I promised myself I wouldn’t. I was over-analyzing every little twinge and pain, and broke down and took a test every day for 6 days until I finally started my period again. I wasn’t terribly upset. I mean, it WAS our first month, and I had spent so much time convincing myself that it wasn’t going to happen. However, my Type A, slightly…well,very competitive and goal driven personality started to get a little irked. We definitely had the timing right….for about 14 days in a row. So just what exactly went wrong? I felt like Aunt Flo had challenged me to a duel…and I was going to KICK HER ASS the next time around!

I knew I couldn’t do it by just having fun though. No, I needed a strategy. I needed to be smarter than AF. After listening to the advice of many pregnant and pregnant to be Nesties (www.thenest.com), I charged into the Women’s Health section of Barnes & Noble and picked up a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I immediately went home and read up on all sorts of things I never even had a desire to know about my body. I can tell you that the word “mucus” now has a whole new meaning beyond a runny nose and chest congestion. My next stop in my assault on AF was the pharmacy where I bought a special Basal Body Temperature thermometer. I was prepared for battle, and began charting the next morning. There are several other…um…techniques that I’ve embraced in this war, but I’ll spare you the details. Let’s just say, I’ve resorted to drastic measures, and it’s only the second cycle. I’ve become the fertility sniper! That AF bitch is never going to know what hit her.

So here I am…in my second official Two Week Wait, which, for those of you not up on the trying to conceive lingo, is the two weeks in between ovulation and your next expected period or the first day you can test. Of course, I’m trying to convince myself that I won’t go down the slippery slope of peeing on too many sticks too early like last month, but I can’t make any promises. As much as I am Type A and competitive, I am even more impatient!

Hopefully I can keep myself busy the next couple weeks by ogling all the ridiculously expensive baby strollers and diaper bags that are all the rage right now. If I get started now, I may be able to come up with enough reasons to justify purchasing the funky, futuristic Quinny Buzz…my new obsession.

Quinny Buzz

July 11, 2007 2 comments
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Popular PostsThe StoryTrying to Conceive

When you know it’s more than Baby Fever…

by babyrabies July 7, 2007
written by babyrabies

As I type this, the only person who knows that the thought has even crossed my mind to begin the whole process of having a baby is my husband. In fact, I think anyone else who knows me well would be SHOCKED to hear of what I’m about to embark on.

Yes, up until a few months ago, I was a baby-phobe. Of course, I loved other people’s babies, relished in spoiling our nieces and nephews, oohed and aahed during trips through Baby GAP, and got the occasional bout of baby fever, but that was always quickly remedied with a brief evening of babysitting. The poopy diapers, projectile milk pukes, and graham cracker encrusted slimy little hands constantly grabbing for any piece of jewelry I had on was enough birth control to get me through a few months, at least.

All that changed in April when a rocking good time at a wine festival lead to a little “oops” moment. I woke up the next morning in my wine hangover haze and it hit me….”Shit! I bet I’m pregnant!” The stages I went through were very similar to the stages of grief. First, there was denial, I refused to believe it could happen. Then there was anger that we weren’t as careful as we should be. Then the bargaining began. “Please God, just let me get my period. I promise we won’t be stupid next time!” I will say there was no real period of depression. I just headed straight into acceptance, and a step you will not find in the grieving process (for most, at least) – EXCITEMENT!

One week before my period was due for her appearance I found myself browsing Gymboree and buying baby clothes. I called one of my best friends in a panic after my purchase. “What the HELL am I doing? I don’t even know if I am pregnant!” I shrieked into the phone. She was beyond supportive and very excited at the prospect of my possible pregnancy. “Maybe you’re just excited,” she said. “Maybe you ARE ready.”

I have to say that this whole time that I was worried about whether or not I was with child, I had yet to say anything to my husband. I didn’t want to get his hopes up. I knew he was as ready as any man could ever be. It wasn’t until after I peed on three sticks that said I was indeed not pregnant that I told him about the close call. I heard the disappointment in his voice, and it all of the sudden hit me how sad I was that I didn’t see two blue lines on those tests.

So, here I am, three months later, and my occasional case of baby fever has turned into full blown BABY RABIES!! I’m afraid the only way to cure it is to have a baby of our own.

I decided to start this blog as a way to document my sure to be ridiculous, hilarious, at times disgusting, and at times painful journey through my first time around at trying to conceive, pregnancy, birth, and whatever I have time to write about after that. I anticipate that I may share “too much information” at times on here, but that’s the whole reason I started this. I need a place to let it all out. I don’t intend to censor myself too much. So if you are squeamish about the whole pregnancy thing, or don’t like my views…read no further. However, if you want a window into my world, complete with first-time ignorance and brutal honesty about what is about to happen to my body, stay tuned!

July 7, 2007 19 comments
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