I’m 38 1/2 weeks pregnant, which would seem really really pregnant to some people, but I have always had my babies 4-5 days after my due date, so I’m merely really pregnant.
And yet, way too pregnant to do the following things:
I’m too pregnant to wear a bra for more than 3 hours. This will decrease by 1 hour every 5 days from here on out. That’s just math.
I’m too pregnant to give a shit about feeding my family a balanced meal. Today, my grocery cart was full of Uncrustables, pudding, breakfast bars, and a special kind of cookie dough that’s made for eating raw, and it’s a fucking injustice that it took me THIS LONG to discover that’s a thing that exists.
I’m too pregnant to put up with the pushy lady at Target who is always trying to get me to sign up for a Red Card line of credit. SHUT UP OMFG. And on this note, I’m entirely too pregnant to try to figure out if I’m to swipe or insert my debit card at checkouts. Why does giving someone my money take this much brain power and patience?
I’m too pregnant to give any shits about what our Christmas tree looks like. I’m too pregnant to make cookies. I’m too pregnant to give a fuck that our elf isn’t even coming this year. I’m too pregnant for elves. I’m too pregnant for Christmas, honestly.
I’m too pregnant to shop. Online. I literally can’t even sit at my computer long enough or look at my phone long enough to do any kind of thoughtful shopping. Everyone is getting whatever randomly pops up on the front page of Amazon.
I am too pregnant to EVEN with Amazon for sending that shit in boxes that don’t even try to hide what’s inside. THANKS FOR RUINING SANTA, AMAZON.
I’m too pregnant to care that the temps FINALLY dropped to below burning-in-hell and my children have nothing appropriate to wear.
I’m too pregnant to care that my 3 year old has watched every single episode of Jake and the Neverland Pirates on Netflix. Twice. In a week.
I’m too pregnant to stay awake longer than 5 hours at a time.
I’m too pregnant to care if you think it’s weird I’ve taken this many pictures of me in my PJs with my belly hanging out. It’s called documenting this special time, okay?
So special. So pregnant. Plus, I was too pregnant to get up off the floor without help, so I was trying to keep myself occupied.
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25 comments
I’m all those things but totally not pregnant!!
Maybe I’m having a sympathy pregnancy for you?
You are the raddest pregnant lady ever!!
Yep. All of that. But I’m only 34 weeks so you’re heroic in my eyes to wear a bra FOR THREE WHOLE HOURS.
Sports bras ladies! Screw the traditional bra ! FOR GOOD!
What and where is this edible cookie dough you spoke of?
I started laughing at the first sentence and proceeded to frickin’ WHEEZE and laugh so hard there were tears streaming down my face for the rest of the article. All the way to the end. I’m 40 weeks and 2 days and this made my DAY. I even have the 3-yr-old of which you speak, the chronically post-due baby issue, and that relationship with amazon. Best of luck to you!
You look great!!! Hang in there! Sleep. Eat. And repeat. The baby will be here soon!!
[…] mean, I’m still Too Pregnant to care about our half decorated tree, or to try to decorate cookies with the kids, but at least I […]
This is brilliant. I’m only 31 weeks and FULLY agree. Thanks for keeping it real, ma.
I love this! I’m 37.5 weeks and am too tired to care about kicking myself for not finishing getting ready for baby sooner. This is my first and I clearly had NO idea! But this put a smile on my grumpy uncomfortable face – thanks!
lol i can relate to being on the floor and making the best time of it while you are there, my dogs enjoy that. I’m 28 weeks pregnant and this is my first and i am now sleeping on the couch because the bed is too uncomfortable for me, he only let me eat peach cobbler and almond joy for sweets, water and coke (i really hate coke) for drinks, nothing gets past this kid, he don’t like my cooking. but other than that I’m having an awesome pregnancy.
Lol, I’m only at 20 weeks with my first and I already feel some of these! Especially the swipe or insert thing! Pregnancy brain is so real…I’m struggling with my sentences.
This was a hoot! My first daughter was born at 26w/5d and I’m now a whole 27w/6d with number two and because of circumstances have a scheduled c-section at 37w…I’m glad you’re keeping it in perspective without complaining! Some of us never get to experience the “I’m too pregnant for…” stage and I enjoyed your candidness, but whiny late-3rd-trimester women drive me batty! Great pics btw.
This made my day! Finally, someone who just calls it like it is
I work. The damn bra is on 8+ hours a day. I’m on heat 80% of my work day because my back is stuck in a chair. And I have fibroids that like to become tender and tear, or push ribs where they don’t belong. I now have to juice my food because I can’t hardly eat or I’m in agony. 8 weeks to go.
Duuuuude, the fibroids are seriously the worst! I hope you finally have some relief by now and a beautiful baby to remind you it was worth it
This is great! Thank you for being real!
Thanks for being so brutally honest. I’m only 15 weeks along, but I’ve been done with grocery shopping since i was 6 weeks. Everything, literally, grosses me out and I’m already showing to the point where i need new clothes. The last thing i care to do is pretend that I eat wholesome and nutritious so people can think I’m a good mom to be. I am and have been too pregnant to give a fuck about what other people think of my diet
God bless this lady, lol. I am 31 weeks and can’t even be bothered to wear pants these days.
37 and a half weeks pregnant and be feeling like this all the time. I be like I’m too pregnant to wear clothes ??
I love you for this!! I’m 35 weeks and feel the exact same fucking way. My last day of work is Monday. I’m over the 12hr shifts. My scrubs don’t fit anymore so I been wearing maternity tees and now the pants aren’t fitting and I’m about to say fuck it and just wear yoga pants but I have a feeling that people will see my swamp ass because it’s only 1000 degrees in these people rooms lol. But the end is near! Belly out till the baby’s out!
I loved this! I literally laughed out loud! I am pregnant with my third but my other two are 7&10. Starting all over really.
Couldn’t enjoy this article, what’s with all the cursing?
I am currently 38 weeks and this definitely made my day!!!
Haha! Glad to hear that!