So many people said to me, “You’ll just know. You’ll know when your family is complete.” And the last time I was pregnant, I was willing myself to know, but it never felt final.
I mean, of course, I said I was done because, well, 3 was the plan. That was the agreed upon number, that’s what I had envisioned and committed to. My brain was on board with 3, my heart was not.
I spent so much of my last pregnancy feeling like I wasn’t cherishing it enough. There was sadness that it was my “last time.”
I will say, though, there was not much sadness while I was in labor. I was gleeful that I’d never have to go through that again. “NEVER. FUCKING. DOING. THIS. AGAIN.” Very certain I shouted that more than a few times.
And yet, here I am, doing it again.
Look at those CHEEEEEEEKSS! Had an ultrasound today just to check in on him. He’s, um, looking pretty big.
And yes, this was a total surprise. I had opened up to the idea of a 4th when Lowell was about 6 months old, but the plan always was to have a 4th much further down the road. I think people refer to this idea as the “bonus baby.” I was really thinking I wouldn’t have another until Lowell was going into kindergarten.
The timing of this baby was not in the plans, but the 4th baby was… eventually.
But this? For real, this is the last one. And I know this. I KNOW it and I FEEL it, and I’m totally at peace with it. I feel zero guilt about this being the last time I experience pregnancy, and no pressure to cherish this. Nope. Let’s close this chapter.
Have I told you I think this kid cracked one of my ribs? Yeah, I’m kinda in a lot of pain sitting up trying to type this. BYE FOREVER, PREGNANCY.
And then, let’s close that labor and delivery chapter, and then let’s close that first 8 weeks chapter. THEN, maybe, I’ll start to feel sad about the “last time.” It’s really the last time, though.
We finally know it.
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9 Comments
it’s weird that ive internet known you from first to last <3
it is! but it’s a fun weird, not a creepy weird
This post is so on point! And everyone’s number is different! Mine is 2 and every thing you said is so true! Except for me the first 8 weeks are really the first 3 months!
My daughter cracked a rib when I was pregnant. Honestly? The pain you feel is NO JOKE. People thought I was nuts until I eventually went to the ER because I could barely breathe without crying. So it’s possible! Hang in there, it gets better and it probably means he’s ready to meet you and that adorable family of yours. Xoxoxo
All of this resonates so deeply with me after having just welcomed my 3rd, and “what should be” final baby. But my heart is not ready to let go of any of it. Of never experiencing pregnancy again. Of the exhilaration of realizing that although I’ve “been there and done that” every baby is different and I will undoubtedly feel like a totally newbie as I learn all about a whole entirely new person. The problem is, my husband won’t admit it but he felt “at capacity” with 2 but came around to the idea of a 3rd LITERALLY the night we conceived him ?. We decided not to make any permanent fertility changes (ie he has been snipped yet) right away, but I can tell by the way he talks that he is SO done at 3. I just don’t know how to get my heart on board…I feel like I’m robbing a future child of our family.
This is us to a “t”! My husband was fine with two, loves that number 3 finally gave us our boy and would have gotten snipped at the gender ultrasound if possible ?, but (despite the fact that pregnancy 3 was beyond rough) my heart is so sad that we are probably done.
This is the story of my family, too. My husband was 100% DONE after baby #3. I delayed and delayed his getting snipped because the thought of being done broke my heart. We ended up having a surprise 4th baby just 3 weeks ago, and he really was the final piece of our puzzle! Even my husband says he can’t imagine us without the new guy! Best of luck at either coming to terms, or “sneaking” another one in! (kidding, don’t do that of course!)
I just had my second baby, at age 41. (M/c at 32 before first baby, m/c at 40 before this baby). Part of me says “I’m done”, as this pregnancy was really rough on me physically. Another part says, “One more”. He is ok with two, and is concerned about trying for a third because of everything I went through this last time. I’m just not ready to hang it up.
Before having kids, we thought maybe we would have 4 (we are both one of 4). After having our 2nd, I thought “this sh!t is too hard to have 4”. I was sad when #3 was no longer a baby, she was (and is) so cute and funny, thinking we wouldn’t have any more babies. But we still purged all our baby stuff, thought #4 was only in the cards if we could afford all new baby stuff (ha! Like that would ever happen!) Fast forward to a few weeks ago and surprise, baby #4 is due in June! After being in shock for 2 weeks, I can confidently say this is it, last baby, and I am good with it. Our family will be complete, and I will never need to be pregnant again ?