I grunt when I move, I pee 4 times a night, I have to brace myself against something to catch my breath after walking up our stairs. This marks the beginning of the “I feel super pregnant” phase. Timely, considering I’ve only got about a week and a half left in the 2nd trimester. OMGWTFCERVIX.
As I flopped my belly from one side to the other while trying to position myself in bed last night, a feeble attempt to fight off insomnia, I had to wonder just how the ever loving f**K does anyone not know they are pregnant.
Listen, I’m not saying they are lying, and I know a lot of issues come into play here. I believe them. It’s not my experience, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.
Having been through this 4 times now, though, perhaps I can shed some light. Beyond just a missed period for a long stretch of time, nausea, and weight gain, there are some other tell-tale signs you’re with child that may not be so widely known.
YOU MIGHT BE PREGNANT IF…
You burp lava after drinking a glass of water. It’s technically called reflux, but that doesn’t really do enough to describe the intense feeling of your stomach erupting up through your throat for NO APPARENT REASON.
You suddenly can’t stand the thought of anyone touching you, ESPECIALLY your significant other. Husband aversions are one of my biggest pregnancy symptoms. You may not be falling out of love! It could just be a fetus. Don’t rush to divorce until you take a pregnancy test because you could definitely use their help with midnight diaper changes, and you’ll probably like them again after a while.
You want a Frosty, but only if it’s not runny, and when you get a runny Frosty, you cry and throw it. I’m not saying it has happened to me… just… it could happen.
You want mint chocolate chip ice cream, but when you get it you decide you actually would rather have mango sorbet, but when you get that you think maybe just a mango would be better, but then you get a mango and you peel it and pit it and almost cut your hand off, and then it tastes disgusting so you throw it and cry.
You’re so tired that you’ve lost the will to bathe regularly, but you do enjoy soaking in a hot tub of your own filth, just not having to, like, shave or clean yourself while you’re in there.
Because you’re so tired, you need so much coffee, but you’ve lost that loving feeling for coffee, or it repulses you entirely and makes you hate life for the rest of the day when you manage to get any past your gag reflex.
You NEED a kitchen renovation and new carpet in the bedroom, and your closets desperately need organized, and your baseboards are suddenly so filthy you don’t think you can ever have guests again.
You toss and turn all night thinking about how dirty your baseboards are and how you should clean them, but you’re so tired.
Everything smells awful.
Everything makes you cry.
Everything makes you want to throw things.
Raw chicken suddenly reminds you of a vagina and there’s no way you’re ever eating chicken again.
Do any of these apply to you? Please take a pregnancy test. I’m not saying you’re pregnant, but if you are, you should totally know so you can milk that ish. There are special parking spaces for us, you know.
Pictures of myself taken with my iPhone app for my camera, though, yes, you could say I love my phone that much. Whatever. I’m just trying to cherish this fleeting, precious moment.