I know people are like, “Write more about your pregnancy!” But I really don’t have anything witty or insightful to put here. I just. I hate it. I hate being pregnant. And that’s an annoying thing for people to hear over and over and over and over again. Right? It is.
I’m nearly 15 weeks. The first trimester is gone. The nausea is also mostly gone. BUT! The reflux is coming in strong, and now? AND NOW THE HEADACHES ARE HERE.
And I’m still so emotionally conflicted about food.
I spent most of the day in bed (with the kids tearing apart my room while I shushed them), I drank water, I took Tylenol, nothing has helped this headache.
I’m watching HGTV nonstop, and I saw an Irish couple on a show, and they made me think of fish n’ chips- in that I remembered an Irish pub I went to in Boston and it had fish n’ chips. And then I had to have fish n’ chips, but we don’t have any place nearby that serves it. So I went to a catfish place and got fried fillets and fries. And then I quietly cried to myself at a table all alone because it wasn’t close. Not remotely close to what I wanted. (I eat out alone often now because fuck bringing my family with me on these quests for food that makes me hate life less.)
This longing for fried fish and malted vinegar comes after a week of nothing but salads. I went to Kroger last week and dropped way too much on fresh produce, raw seeds & nuts, gourmet vinegars, and pickled veggies. I had a goat cheese, beet, & mandarin orange salad for lunch today, and it was so disappointing that I washed it down with half a bag of cool ranch Doritos.
There is no satisfaction. There has been no food I haven’t regretted moments later. The last two months have been nothing but disappointing attempts to feed myself.
Also, it is summer, and it is hot, and that’s really unpleasant.
Also unpleasant is the light of this laptop as I type with a headache. So the end.