This week the US Preventative Services Task Force published their recommendation that all pregnant and new moms be screened for postpartum mood disorders.
I rejoiced! What a fantastic step forward in the right direction, right? It’s really one of those things so positive, so well-intentioned that when I began to hear of negative pushback I was super confused.
There’s a whole story behind the #MeditateOnThis hashtag (that trended on Twitter last night) that you can read about over on Rage Against The Minivan — a guest post by Katherine Stone of Postpartum Progress.
And while this was sparked by one individual (hugely influential) person, I can’t say that was the only place I saw/heard these sentiments. Not yesterday, not for the years I’ve been aware of postpartum depression and anxiety.
So this video isn’t to call out that person specifically, though I do sincerely hope she watches and listens to it.
This is in response to everyone who has ever said that postpartum mood disorders aren’t real, and that women are being tricked by Big Pharma into numbing themselves. It’s a response to every person who has told a struggling mother to do more yoga, pray more, eat better, get more sleep. It’s a response to anyone who has ever made a mother feel shame for needing medication to get to shore.
This is personal, you guys. This is my raw story. This is my truth.
You can read the transcript of the video below. Also, check my Facebook page for a version of the video that is easy to share.
At my lowest point I couldn’t shake the vision of a knife flying from my hands and into my baby’s face. I didn’t want to leave the house because every time I was in the car I had this unshakeable belief that it would fly off the road, crash and burn. I couldn’t bear to even look at flights of stairs without seeing my baby falling over the railing onto his head below.
I was full of rage. For the first time in my life, I not only understood why parents shake their babies, but I had compassion for them. I feared that I could become one of them.
I feared that I could become one of those mothers on the news.
If you’re thinking that none of this sounds normal, you’re right.
If you’re thinking all of this makes me a bad mother, you’re wrong.
I was struggling with Postpartum Anxiety and OCD.
I spent a year after my first baby was born, and 9 months after my 2nd baby was born believing I was just an awful person, not made for motherhood.
I had no idea that what was happening to me was treatable, that it had a name. I was never screened for these symptoms.
It wasn’t until I found Postpartum Progress and their list of symptoms of Postpartum Depression AND Anxiety that I realized I wasn’t an awful mother. I was just sick.
Let me be clear. At this point, I’d lost 20 lbs because I couldn’t bring myself to eat. Getting dressed was a struggle. I had a baby who wasn’t sleeping through the night, I was tired, and I was paralyzed by fear. PARALYZED.
And yet, I thought I would try to treat this on my own. Because I “wasn’t the type” to take pills.
I thought exercise would help- but I didn’t even have the energy or the will power to walk outside. I thought giving up caffeine would work, but I still had zero appetite for anything else. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t read. I couldn’t do anything by try all day, all hours, every minute to STOP thinking about my baby dying.
On a day when I thought, truly BELIEVED, I was dying from a heart attack, I walked into a Dr’s office and begged him to see me. When he suggested a low dose of Zoloft, I took the prescription and told myself I’d think about it. I’d think about if I was, indeed, the “type” to need to take pills.
Turns out? I am.
Within days of starting my prescription, I smiled so much my face hurt. I enjoyed my babies. I. DIDNT. YELL.
The medication pulled me from a deep sea of despair where I was drowning. It drug me to shore. Once I was to the shore THEN I could focus on things like exercise and eating better, talking this out, sleeping better.
There are people who would have me believe that I’m part of a big conspiracy by “Big Pharma” That if I just would have tried harder, prayed, done yoga, given it time, that I wouldn’t need the pills.
To them, I say with as much kindness as I can muster, you are wrong.
There are people who are concerned that the US Preventative Task Force’s recommendation that all pregnant and new mothers receive screening for mood & anxiety disorders is part of a scheme to medicate women and fill the pockets of “Big Pharma.”
To them, I say, again with kindness, that belief is damaging and unfounded.
I stand beside my fellow Warrior Moms, survivors of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, and celebrate this step in the right direction. Routine screening for these diseases will save lives.
And whether those moms get help from medication OR meditation, is none of my business. I won’t shame them for EITHER approach. And you shouldn’t either.
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8 comments
Thank you so much for being brave enough to share your story!
You are incredibly brave. Thank you for sharing your stories. You are a great and very real mama. ??
Great job. You have a way with words and your honesty shines.
I wholeheartedly agree on real screening! At the postpartum checkup being asked by a nurse both times “do you feel depressed?” Out you on the spot and, in my case, just made me more self conscious. A more clinical, official feeling was to coax out of moms dealing with this would have helped me tremendously! If this happens to you (like it did me with our second) it can manifest in a million different ways. Asking a new mom if she wants to hurt her baby or is depressed doesn’t hit the mark for most moms, and for those that it does it’s embarrassing put on the spot to truthfully answer.
It took me until our son was 10 months old to get help. In my particular case, I was fine in pregnancy and breastfeeding seemed to be where my anxiety stemmed from. I sheepishly went back to my ob doc and was mortified to tell her all this- without hesitation she started talking to me about options. I took meds (which is NOT as simple as just popping a pill for everyone- I struggled for weeks with unbelievable nausea and headaches getting used to them, which is totally normal) and after I stopped breastfeeding, gave myself a few months and started weaning off the meds. I’m pill free and my old self now but that’s me- that’s what’s scary with ppa and ppd- it’s unique how it manifests for every mom. Moral of my long comment- YAY for more awareness and not making moms feel “broken” if this happens to them!
Thank you!
lindo Mirna
[…] raw story will touch you to the core. Her crippling fear after both of her pregnancies made it almost impossible for her to leave the house. Now she fights to make sure others can get […]
Thank you so much for posting this. It was your first ever post on this topic that helped me realize what was going on with me after having my first baby. I felt like an absolute crazy person, but knew that I didn’t have the classic signs of PPD. It wasn’t until I had my third that I was brave enough to actually see a doctor and get help and those little pills have made all the difference for our family.