25 Year Old Me, You Are The Dumbest- Part 1

Dear 25 year old me,

I see you looking down your nose at the family who dared bring their toddler to a proper restaurant at 8 pm.

Surely it is past his bedtime.
Why is he so squirmy and loud with his jovial laughter?
Why are they trying to entertain him with video games?
Why are they unable to get him to sit still and be quiet and the table without the help of electronic devices?
They must be terrible parents. They must really suck at discipline.

When I become a mom, I will MAKE my children sit quietly at restaurants, and I certainly won’t bring them past 6 pm.

Is that kid wearing a Mickey Mouse shirt and light-up Batman shoes? GROSS. When I am a mother, my kids will NEVER wear hideous licensed character apparel.

BLESS. YOUR. DUMB. HEART.

Your car is always clean. You don’t understand how parents can let this aspect of their life go.

When you get home, you take everything out that you put in there. It’s that simple. 

And why do parents let toys take over their house? Those awful, colorful, PLASTIC monstrosities do NOT need to be in the living room.

Why do people even ALLOW their children to have them in the first place?

I heard plastic can poison babies. Why would people even let their kid near plastic in the first place?

They probably also let their kids eat french fries, which end up stale and rolling around their cars.

Yeah, I bet parents who let their kids play with plastic are exactly the kind to have dirty cars.

YOU LITERALLY KNOW NOTHING.

You can not begin to understand why anyone lets their kid cry in a grocery store. You are baffled that these parents just continue shopping while their child lays on the floor of the store, screaming for Lucky Charms.

Oh sure, their cart is loaded to the top, and the mother has a sleeping newborn strapped to her chest, but why isn’t she dragging her bratty little kid out of this store and taking him home to a proper timeout?

OMG. Is she buying them frozen chicken nuggets? Of course she is. So lazy. 

She probably doesn’t make their baby food either. 

We’ve already decided we will only feed our children whole, non-processed, homemade, organic, healthy food. And they WILL eat vegetables, and they WILL like them, because we won’t stand for anything less. 

Because we will be the kind of parents who have kids who never eat chicken nuggets.

SHUT UP, YOU ARE THE DUMBEST!

This is part of a talk I did at Mommycon in Orlando earlier this year. Check in next week for part 2- the part about Karma and lessons learned- THE most important parenting lesson I’ve ever learned, in fact. 

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