Today I share with you this very profound piece of writing by my friend, AND NEW CONTRIBUTOR (YAY! Ya’ll will love her!), Suzanne. She is very, very, very, very, very pregnant.
Very.
I say we welcome her with open arms, commiseration, funny jokes, and NOBODY TELLING HER TO RELAX.
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Hi, I’m Suzanne. I’m currently 40 weeks and 5 days pregnant with my 3rd child. I currently feel like this:
For the past 5 months the doctors have been warning me to be careful, since they thought I was definitely going to have my baby early due to my high amniotic fluid levels. I have an Olympic-sized swimming pool in my uterus, but apparently my fetus is the Michael Phelps of fetuses and just wants to hang out doing laps.
All my friends and family are sitting next to their phones and computers just waiting for news like this:
But when people ask me “Have you had that baby yet??” I get like this:
Because YES, I TOTALLY HAD THE BABY AND JUST FORGOT TO TELL YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE. Right. That might happen.
My husband is in the Navy and is going to sea soon. Ish. We don’t know exactly when because although the military’s first goal is to protect the country their second goal is to screw up all the plans anyone makes ever. It’s OK, we’re used to it. But the longer I stay pregnant the greater the chances are he might miss my labor and delivery. So we’re both like this:
And my friends who have gone WAY more than 5 days past their due dates and do not want to hear about my FIVE DAYS anymore are like this:
I’ve tried all the things the internet message boards suggest to induce labor (or at least all the things I’m WILLING to try – violent diarrhea isn’t something I can get on board with) and had no results because the internet is full of lies.
I know no one stays pregnant forever and pretty soon I’ll have an outside baby. Then I can start whining about newborn problems instead, like never sleeping and leaking boobs and my hair falling out and post-partum hemorrhoids. Can you believe this is the THIRD TIME I have willingly put myself through this? Mother nature really got me good with the whole “urge to procreate” business.
But between this whining and that whining I’ll get an adorable, squishy baby to cuddle and show off and then I’ll be all like this:
You can follow along with my past-my-due-date-rage updates on Instagram at @bebehblog and eventually you’ll be rewarded with newborn photos too. I make pretty cute kids, so it’s worth it.
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Bless yer heart, Suzanne. BLESS IT! You’re exactly as overdue now as I was with Lowell last year before I finally evicted him. The rage was strong with me. I feel your sciatic pain, sister. Welcome to the blog! I truly hope you’re so busy taking care of an outside baby very soon that we won’t hear from you again for a while.
And great job conveying your feels with gifs. Words are hard when there is a 50 lb toddler residing within you.
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18 Comments
You know I am waiting like Tina Fey. Ready for dat gingah.
If I had actually been eating popcorn the whole time I’ve been waiting for you to have this baby, there would be a worldwide popcorn shortage.
I wasn’t even overdue, and I still felt all Beyonce after I had mine. I can’t even imagine how great that’s going to be for you!
If nothing else goes your way today, know that you ended your rant strongly with a JLaw gif. And I much appreciate all the Sherlock.
Oh my gosh, yes! My son was born at 40 weeks 6 days. Not only that, but I only went to 37 weeks with my daughter so I was soooo much more pregnant than I had ever been! Over it!
Baby: Get out!
Last summer, I was due with baby #2 August 16. She arrived August 31. Yes. The 31st. The absolute last day even my au natural midwife would allow. The incessant phone calls, texts, and emails … unless you are bringing me more watermelon or gelato or want to come run my feakles (feet-ankles with no definition between the two), leave me. The. F. Alone.
I can SO relate, Mama! My first kid was perfectly perfect. Born au natural the day before his due date. The 2nd and 3rd both needed eviction notices 5 and 6 days past 40 weeks respectively. Uuuuugh. LOL!
So funny.
YES!! To all of this. I was 10 days overdue with my 2nd. FREAKING 10 days of people calling to ask if I’ve had the baby. NO ASSHOLES. I’M STILL PREGNANT. Good luck, sister!
I went 41w5D and 41W- both had to be forced out even then. I feel you and I also feel those eyerolling friends 🙂
That was me. 40 weeks and 5 days with my third. But sub military for my parents are leaving and childcare is kind of important for a home birth.
She came at 40+6 in under three hours.
I delivered my second baby last year at 40w5d. I think the nagging family was the worst part of it. At 40w4d I ended up composing a long fb status asking everyone to STOP asking me how I was doing. Are they really scared that we won’t tell them we’ve had the baby? Granted, we don’t tell anyone we’re at the hospital until there’s a baby in our arms, but still. It’s hard enough to enjoy being pregnant when you’ve been pregnant for what feels like 80 months.
Love the ginger babies! Great choice of contributors.
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I’m 40 weeks and 5 days today and this made me feel so much better . Thank you for the laughs !!
My mom went an entire month past due date with my sister. Someone either seriously miscalculated or her uterus was just not going to cooperate this time. When she was finally born, her skin was very wrinkly and peeling off. They said if she had stayed in much longer, she would have died. Still, anyone over 32 weeks has my full sympathy. Those last several weeks are the worst!
I’m 40 weeks 5 days today. I had contractions 3-6 mins apart all night that never progressed.
My fluid levels are high, too.
Midwife wants to induce in two days and I’m trying so hard to go into labor before then.
I feel like I’m losing my mind. lol