How To Earn A Cupcake

1. Plan your entire day around taking your children to see the only showing of the only G rated movie at the closest theater- Chimpanzee, 1:00.

2. Busy yourself with the children all morning, including long walks and scooter rides, in hopes that the toddler pushes back her nap long enough to pass out in the cool, dark movie theater while she reclines in her plush stroller.

3. Pay $24 for tickets and snacks.

4. Enjoy how well-behaved your children are throughout the 20 minutes of previews and commercials, eat 50% of the snacks, beg the preschooler to please not drink all his lemonade, hope the potty break can wait until at least half-way through the movie.

5. Ask the preschooler to PLEASE use his quiet voice 150 times.

6. Breastfeed the toddler while holding her feet down so she doesn’t kick over the popcorn during her I-like-to-thrash-like-a-shark-when-I-nurse bit.

7. Witness the quick transformation from well-behaved during the previews to animalistic during the movie.

8. Realize you and your pack now have the full attention of the small audience behind you, wrestle both children back into their seats while whisper-pleaing for the use of quiet voices whilst the narrator of the movie says, “That poor mother really has her hands full.” Forget for a brief moment he’s speaking about a family of CHIMPANZEES.

9. Leave. Early. Like, after 20 minutes of the movie.

10. Arrive home, put both children to bed, retrieve hidden cupcake from the top of the refrigerator and dig in.

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  1. Is it shallow of me that the main takeaway from this is twenty-four damn dollars for a movie? While yes, I have wrangled kids in the theatre, nursed in the theatre, pushed back a nap for an outing, rewarded myself at the end of it all going to shit, I have started having my father take my kids to the movies (and sometimes I go b/c I know he’ll pay). The price for the five of us makes me want to weep (and say my toddler is under two until no one will believe it).

    • Oh, I know!! And that was for one child and one adult’s ticket. Then we got a small popcorn and a kid’s pack, which includes an even smaller popcorn, fruit snacks and a small drink.

  2. Bwhaaaa! This same thing happened to us when I tried to take them to the Dr. Seuss movie. We made it through the previews and then it was time for potty breaks and a meltdown over why he couldn’t play a video game in the lobby of the theater.

    Good times. I don’t know why I even try sometimes.

  3. I was just thinking that our two year old might be ready for her first “theater” movie. I sincerely thank you for changing my mind.

  4. Two words:
    Dollar Theater.

    Seriously. If anyone gets pissed off in the dollar theater, you always have the retort, “Dude, get over yourself… you paid a dollar to see it.” Plus, you can actually afford to have not only cupcakes, but wine too… because we all know cupcakes are better with cheap(ish) wine. 😉

  5. We can’t do previews. The first time we saw a movie in the theater – Winnie, which was AWESOME – the previews were LOUD LOUD LOUD and that cat swash-buckling movie. Our child literally ran out of the theater screaming.

    Chimpanzee was the second movie we saw, this time with friends for her birthday. Two adults & three 4-year-olds worked fairly well, except one of them was the loud nightmare. But hey, it’s a freaking G-movie on a Saturday afternoon – what can anybody expect? It’s not 9:00pm Friday at the Four Seasons.

    There is a fun show on Animal Planet called Organtan Island. Very similar to Chimpanzee. We are really into it now. Same problem, though: The show is rated Y, but the commercials are NOT. We DVR it, but the promos for other Animal Planet shows – River Monsters! Whale Wars! – are always right up against the resumption of the show.

  6. Take kids to the movies is BANANAS. We have taken Avery to the dollar movie twice and the first time was great but the second time she was out of control. It’s hit or miss so we don’t even bother anymore. You are so brave!

  7. Tiffany Collins on

    “I-like-to-thrash-like-a-shark-when-I-nurse bit.” I love this! My daughter is the same way! I thought I was the only person going thru it!

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