Clawing My Way Back Up

Oh, hey!

Still here.

Back from “vacation,” and by “vacation” I mean road trip from hell with brief moments of lovely family time, peppered by toddler terror and anxiety on blast from lack of sleep and too much screaming in my ear.

If I’m not making any sense to you right now it’s because I’m not making sense to myself, and thus, that would make sense, right?

Easter was fun. I took pretty pictures.

Oklahoma is a nutritional wasteland (but I’ve discussed this before). We had a picnic in our Jeep in the parking lot of an Oklahoma Walmart, consisting of cold cuts and crackers and peaches…obviously.

I would suck as a pioneer and traveling in covered wagons and shit. I was whiny that we couldn’t reach the DVD player from the front to re-start the movie for Kendall and that there was no way to plug a TV in front of our POSESSED 15 month old.  I started googling, from my phone, new cars that have wi-fi hot spots built in because my small phone was getting really annoying and I wanted a real keyboard. (This would be where you picture me stomping my feet like Veruca from Willy Wonka.)

Someone asked me to blog tips for road trips, to which I suggest:

1. Don’t go on road trips
2. Rot the children’s brains with TV and video games… they are easier to deal with in a comatose state
3. Don’t forget to pack your own food… and sneak some liquor in there for the lucky soul who’s not driving and therefore on WHERE IS THE EVER LOVING PACIFIER, SO HELP ME, IF YOU THROW IT ONE MORE FUCKING TIME duty by default.
4. Don’t go on road trips with teething toddlers
5. Bring lots of pacifiers
6. Don’t ask me for road trip advice

And now I get to try to claw my way back to some sort of normal… so please forgive the disruption around here for a bit.

Feel free to discuss amongst yourselves how great or not so great your weekend was. I can’t promise I’ll be a part of the convo because the things to do, there are many of them.

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  1. Remember the term “riding bitch?” Being the non driver in a family road trip is another form of this phrase. And why are there no six hour movies?

  2. I took a road trip from Denver to Dallas- just me and a 2 year old. Best invention? Portable DVD player with a remote so I could restart the movie from the front seat.

  3. My boyfriend and I visit Oklahoma twice a year to see his family, he doesn’t travel well, so I can’t imagine what it would be like with children.

  4. When our 3rd kiddo was still in a rear facing car seat we had a separate portable dvd player that would Velcro around the headrest where she could see it… And then the older 2 girls would watch a movie on the built in dvd player… Worked great for us. Btw the built in dvd player had headphones so we didnt have to listen to both movies!

  5. Do what any other mother would do for your rear facing 15 month old. Get the girl a PSP and load it with her favorite cartoons. 🙂 That is what I do for my 22 month old. Car time is when he gets to watch his shows non stop. It keeps him a happy camper and mommy from jumping out of the car while going 70 on 35 LOL. My husbands old PSP has kept our lil ones happy for years and there is the even fancier although more costly PSP Vita out now. It nice because you can turn it on then lock it so pushing the buttons doesn’t stop anything or there are handy things that you pop it into and it has speakers and amplifies the PSP and will attach to a car headrest for hands free watching. Good luck on your next road trip… or good luck you wont have another road trip….. either way the msg is the same right?

  6. We barely survived the 2 hour trip to the “shore” last weekend with our children. They were terrors. The term “riding bitch” was perfect for me in the passenger seat. Glad you survived to continue bringing us the hilarity.

  7. I can feel your pain inching through the knots in my shoulders. Love the number one (and four) tip about going on road trips: don’t go on road trips. Has a Fight Club feel to it, except instead of punches, there are flying pacifiers.

    This tip would have done you no good now, but since I’m feeling more road trips in your future, this worked well when my kids got to about preschool age. I made travel surprise bags. One big gift bag with many small gifts (from the dollar store or such) individually wrapped inside to be handed out as the miles ticked by. They were VERY contingent on good behavior. I had lap desks for them to use, too.

    I was crazy enough to even hand out items like Playdoh because I cared more about quiet than the carpet in the minivan. I did draw the line at glitter, so you can stop backing away from me slowly. Ellen

  8. We took the 2yr old an airplane to Colorado for Easter with the grandparents. Just a two hour flight, piece of cake. Right? Right.

    My advice to anyone considering this in the future: Never, ever, ever do this. Ever. Stay home.

    The list of toddler offenses is too long to mention. But a one point she threw a cup of ice two rows up and we may have let her sit in a strange man’s lap.

    Yeah, never do this.

  9. I can’t believe I am just now finding your blog (found it after googling “Toddler Colic”, so umm there’s the one upside to a miserable 2 year old?). I bet you hear this all time, but I think you’re my long lost sister.

    I used to feel bad that we don’t visit my Texas in-laws more often, but then I realized that I don’t really love many people in this world enough to spend 8 hours in the car with my kids. We live in Arkansas so I am OH SO FAMILIAR with Oklahoma. (I have a lovely story of a Mother’s Day lunch spent in a Lawton, OK McDonald’s). How about how freaking annoying it is when you’re cruising along (at night because that’s how I tolerate traveling with children), then you must STOP and PAY A TOLL which WILL wake your children. And just when you’ve managed to get everyone back to sleep, OH LOOK ANOTHER TOLL.

  10. lol I love this post, I’m so glad it’s not just me who is not good with stress. I am about to go on a road trip of my own, five hours with a five year old, three year old and eleven month old. One nights sleep over then five hours back home. I am looking forward to it about as much as I would the dentist.

  11. Wow you are better then me, after the trip coming home from my SIL college graduation in Dec. I refuse to take Ollie on roadtrip until he is front facing.

  12. I’m telling my husband right now that I am not “riding bitch” on our road trip home tomorrow. 4 hours, unless it’s stil snowing, then I could be trapped with a 4 year old, 2 year old and teething 5 month old for up to 7 hours. I like to bribe the big ones with unlimited iPad shows, I hand out our iphones like they are candy, and i actually hand out candy. Lollipops are good, tootsie roll pops, where I actually try to get the 4 year old to count licks, lasted me 45 minutes on the way here:)

    Yep, it’s pure hell. But flying is worse!

  13. This made me laugh, because I can so relate. We just got back from the CRUISE FROM HELL. With two sick kids (ear infections and eye infections and colds, hurray!). That included a trip to the Urgent Care the night before Easter in ANOTHER STATE the day before leaving the country on a BOAT.

    Anyway. This is the stuff memories are made from, yes?

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