Freaking breastfeeding. Why’s it always got to be so stupid emotional?
Before I had babies, I could. not. understand. what women meant when they talked about bonding with their babies by putting a boob in their mouth. When they would cry if they couldn’t or when they stopped. Like, really?
But then, yeah, it happened to me, and yeah, I get it. So here I am, after 16 months of breastfeeding my 2nd baby (I breastfed my first for about 13), and I’m a conflicted ball of emotions.
To be honest, I want to be done. Well, what I really mean is I want HER to be done. I want her to wake up tomorrow and decide she wants nothing to do with my boobs in her mouth anymore. I’ve always had the goal of breastfeeding until age 1 with both of my kids, and I’ve done that. Yes, yes, I know, the WHO says best until 2. But still, I’m done. Mainly, I’m done with it being a frequent thing. Maybe if I could get her down to just nursing to sleep at night, I’d be okay with that, but she doesn’t show any signs of even wanting to cut back to just that.
She’s 16 months old, and still nurses 4-6 times a day/night. You know what that means? Yup, STILL waking at night to nurse. And that means? Yup, I’m STILL exhausted half the time. I can count on one hand the number of nights she’s slept more than 6 hours straight her whole life.
I would guess her diet is probably 50% or more breast milk at this point. She eats solids and table food, but doesn’t show a huge interest in them. Obviously, this isn’t affecting her growth, so I’m not super concerned about it.
I almost wish it was affecting her (in a not dangerous way), or I had some valid reason for feeling like I want to stop. Although, I think the way I feel and the way it affects me, is pretty valid, I guess.
But, it’s not as easy as saying we’re done. I know it would be hard, and possibly traumatizing (for us both). It’s not really a battle I have the energy to deal with. Plus, it’s a crutch for me right now. I know I can always get her to go to sleep at night if I nurse her. The times that I refuse, she puts up a fight that keeps me awake much longer than a nursing session. Not to mention, it’s not torture. Most of the time it’s still pleasant, and it’s guaranteed snuggle time with a toddler who is always on the go.
I keep thinking, she won’t want to do this forever. She’ll make the decision on her own. I just hope that that decision comes soon. While I have no problems, and certainly admire those who practice extended breastfeeding, I don’t get too excited at the idea when it comes to me. And I’m trying not to let myself feel guilty about that.
I’m not really writing this for advice or to tell you all about my plan. Just… you know, breastfeeding… so stupid emotional. Thought I’d share a little about where we’re at in our journey, which I know can change it’s course without notice at any time. And when it does, I’m sure I’ll be sad I ever wished it away. That’s just the way it goes. I’ll probably come here crying and blog all about it.
Leyna will be 16 months old in 2 days