Acceptance: Postpartum Anxiety and Me

Oh lady. Breaks my heart that you’ve been going through that. I have many of the same anxiety symptoms myself (not postpartum, but still shitty)- if you EVER want to talk, you know how to reach me. You are amazing… just try to keep that in mind as much as you can. You.are.awesome.

I have no idea how to feel about this. I’m glad you are getting help. Wonder if I need it, too? I swore that last time there was nothing wrong with me, but reading the plain English version of PPD? I so freaking had it. Got no help. I don’t think I got better until my kid had turned 2, and by then? I was pregnant again. I thought maybe then my kid was just pissing me off or it was just hormones, but I just don’t know.

I’ve always had the ‘what if this happened, what would I do’? scenarios going through my head. What if the car went off the bridge, which kid would I save first? Could I convince my 3 year old to unbuckle so I could save the baby? Even now it scares the crap out of me. However I have these all the time about everyone. What if one of my parents died. What if someone asked me to give the eulogy, could I do it? How would I feel? I have to literally shake my head and banish these thoughts from my mind. It’s like my brain is trying to prepare itself for the inevitable, but it could be 20 years from now, so why do I have these feelings crushing my soul right now? I don’t ever remember not having these weird flashes.

I’m panicked about heights, so I do walk carefully down the stairs, but I don’t avoid them, and I’m not afraid of knives or anything like that. Wait, that’s a total lie, if I have a choice, I leave the baby in the living room or have my husband walk her down the stairs. That’s messed up how easily my brain edits real life. I function normally, sleep and eat fine, etc. I guess I just have the mommy visions. Mostly my 3 year old just pisses me off and I’m scared of SIDS. For a week after a tv show where SIDS was featured I was up every couple of hours making sure she was breathing. My husband thought I was paranoid. I thought I was paranoid but couldn’t help it. I still have heart racing moments every now and then, I have to go in and make sure she’s still breathing. I have no idea if that’s the right level of ‘paranoia’ or going too far.

Lots of love, hugs and support. Thanks for sharing. This will help others.

Right there with ya girl! I’m on meds right through this pregnancy, too.

Thank you for sharing this and putting a voice behind the thoughts of many moms. I was fully prepared (well, as much as one could be) to deal with some mental issues after baby, but by the grace of God I was okay. However, I know someone who seems to have MANY of those symptoms. They were not symptoms of depression, but I know she needs help. I’ve tried to talk with her, but she insists that nothing is wrong, although she’s constantly in a state of panic and the thought of leaving her child, is always fearing the worst and can never fully relax. Do you have any tips on how to help a friend?

Thank you so much for posting this. I truly feel like a different person sometimes. When did I become so pissy and grouchy? I hate it. After having Allie, I thought for a bit that I was having “something”. One day I damn near had a panic attack in Academy and nearly flipped out on the idiot Sonic girl while waiting for the ice cream I got so I could be a good mom. I talked to my doctor. He wasn’t sure it was depression. He gave me the option. I opted out of meds, he was probably right. I felt better after coming to work. But I still feel off. I don’t feel me. Maybe that’s what happens when you have a male doctor. Maybe I need to have a good long chat with my female PCP.

So much love to you. SO. MUCH.

I had very, very bad PPD and anxiety after having my second child. It has been one of the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I am so glad you are getting the help you need, I did too, and is the best decision I have ever made.

This was me in 2008 and I had no clue. I continued to have no clue until I just read your blog post. I too thought it was normal to have those thoughts. the sleeplessness, the worry, the constant vigilance at every moment because disaster could strike. I was sick and had no idea.

I got lucky with my second child and wasn’t nearly as debilitated. You would think someone who requires medication to get through a dentist appointment due to anxiety, had a heart arrhythmia issue exacerbated by anxiety, lost control and feeling in her hands during labor from being overly anxious, would realize that she has an anxiety problem. Not this someone. Not until just now.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I am so glad that you are feeling more like yourself. Getting treatment and figuring out what is really going on with yourself helps make things a lot clearer. I have suffered with anxiety probably my entire life but was not diagnosed until 2003 (pre-kids). I struggle each day in some form or another but it is getting a lot better now that I am being more social. And I totally understand the disturbing thoughts/visions. I get them all of the time. For instance, I took my toddler with me to someone’s condo with a balcony while away on a trip. I had visions that my toddler was going to fall out of my arms and go over the balcony railing. The visions freak me out so much. But I have to keep telling myself they aren’t real. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story.

:’) Thank you. This is how I felt and until last year (when hubs and I decided to stop after having more kiddos–we have three) I didn’t know that what I was going through was postpartum anxiety. I thought I was a bad mom too. I remember needing to feed the kids some hotdogs (simple, right?) and I felt like I was being asked to go rock climbing! I felt constantly on edge but due the stress my husband would go through with each newborn, I had to stifle it and force myself to try to get over it. It was a quiet, but debilitating battle for me as I endured this anxiety during AND after pregnancy. Once my child was six months old, the anxiety would subside. But I went through this three times. And the fear of that anxiety returning (as well as the damage my body goes through with each pregnancy–I have extremely painful physical problems to add to it all) is enough for me to say DONE.

I. suffered. in. silence. And I didn’t know that I could have received help because I never knew what postpartum ANXIETY was. No one mentioned a word of that…just about postpartum depression.

Thanks again. May life bless you to the fullest.

Thanks for posting this. I had never heard of this until now.

Oh, man. I went through this undiagnosed for a little over a year. I was scared of EVERYTHING, but since I wasn’t depressed, I thought maybe all parents must feel that way. For some reason I focused on earthquakes. I could picture my house exploding/toppling down piece by peice. I was scared to go downstairs to put the laundry in for fear that there would be an earthquake and the stairs would collapse and I wouldn’t be able to get back to my family…crazy, huh? I’m glad you are getting help. Just know that you are not alone, and there is a way out of all the scary thoughts.

I too suffered from Postpartum Anxiety after my second son was born. I remember sitting in my car crying my eyes out because I was so scared of getting hit by a car and leaving my children motherless. I would sit at home and start thinking of the fact that one day my children would die, and I would have a panic attack. I would be cooking dinner and worry that the meat wouldn’t be cooked through enough and they would get sick and die. I never felt so…alien until I started on some meds and took a Xanax when needed. Now, I see just how panicked and scared I was.

Thank you for posting this. It’s so nice to know that there are other women out there who know what it feels like. It helps you not feel so alone! I’m praying you find peace soon. It took me a few months before I could get off the medication and my panic attacks stopped.

I just found your site looking for a crib guard…and stumbled upon this…I had my baby in February of 2011, and considering she was my third, I had never experienced worry and anxiety like this. It hit really hard around 4 months, and got really bad around 6 months…it has slowly been getting better. I chose not to go on meds, but have been doing a lot of natural supplements to try and help. I too was asked if I felt sad, or weepy…and the answer was always no. Not at all. I had never heard of PPA in all of my pregnancies…I still have bad nights/times…etc. When my heart races for no reason, or the visions occur, I try really hard to focus on something good and sane at that moment. I sing songs or I repeat Bible verses….whatever I have to do to shake it. Sometimes, I just pick up and call my friend/sister just to give me a sane voice at that time. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with emotionally, and I am so glad you put a voice to it. Not enough people know about this, or understand it.

So proud of you for writing this — it took courage. It’s amazing how many women suffer without realizing what’s going on. So glad you took notice and are getting the help you need. And the silver lining, in a small way? You’re now among the ranks of us warrior moms. I’d be totally lost without this community. Hugs.

Thank you for sharing that. That’s very similar to how I’ve been feeling. I feel like the people in my life might think I’m over reacting or reading too much into things if I confess to these types of feelings and thoughts. Could I talk to my obgyn about this or should I see a therapist or general family doctor? What kind of medication was prescribed to you? I feel kind of ashamed and embarrassed about this all…it’s nice to hear others going through the same thing.

Me too. Everything was so focused on ppd, ppa seriously didn’t occur to me. After sleep walking and picking up my baby multiple times at night I was a mess. Finally saw my Dr and got some services. Too much is expected of women right after! Take all the support you can get! Thanks for sharing!

This is the first post I read on this site. Not sure what it is ALL about yet. I believe I am experiencing postpartum anxiety. I am constantly worried, and cannot control my thoughts. Could even be OCD. I keep getting dizzy, but only when I think about it and I cannot stop thinking about it. I want my thoughts to be my own again. I am seeing a counselor, but not often enough in my opinion. It has helped somewhat however. I just want to be me again… I tried Celexa but it made my anxiety MUCH worse. (I think it was a panic attack and it scared me away from taking the med again.) I am glad this site exists and will look into it more!!

I wentto my doctor about a year ago after breaking down with a similar story. She said I was suffering from post partum and I didn’t believe it because well, I wasnt depressed. Never realized that there was PPA and it makes total sense. I freak out and visualize horrible situations from moments that should just be normal, not me picturing the bridge I’m driving over collapsing. I stopped going out, made excuses for why I couldn’t make social outings. I was irritable and sometimes just angry. I was given Zoloft and haven’t been taking it, reading this actually made me rethink that decision.

Holy crap this is me. I “failed” the screening after my first child was born. Asked for help when my second child was 3 months, was scolded on the phone, asked “where is the baby, is he safe” treated like an idiot because I waited 3 mos etc. etc. FINALLY when my THIRD child was a baby I asked for help and FINALLY got zoloft. It isn’t really fixing things but it is better than nothing. 🙁

Prior to reading your post, I didn’t know PPA was actually a thing. I’d only heard of PPD (who hasn’t?) and wasn’t sure that was exactly the thing I was experiencing. Now I know PPA was/is likely the culprit. Having a name for it makes it feel less bad. Thanks for sharing.