People, this is your warning. This post is all about menstruation, in gory, graphic detail. Feel free to click away now…
Alright, moving on.
At almost 9 months postpartum last month, I got the first period I’ve experienced in 18 months, nearly exactly as long as it took to get it back after having Kendall. However, unlike last time, there was no “nice” period to welcome me back to the world of menstruation.
No, I just went straight to the horrific murder scene in my toilet bowl as I soaked through a super plus tampon and super plus maxi pad every hour.
Only now, after looking through my archives for period related posts, do I recall describing the ordeal in such fantastic detail last time.
I did a little research last month on the Diva Cup because, just by looking at it, I could tell it would hold a hell of a lot more… stuff than a super plus tampon. Lots of my readers on Facebook had fantastic things to say about it, but everyone kept warning about a “learning curve.” I had every intention of getting one to try out before I got my period again. But, well, you know… time and chaos and life and excuses.
Whatever the reason, when my period showed up last week for the 2nd time since having Leyna, I was utterly unprepared. Sure, I had a handful of tampons left over from last time. I had a couple pads. But, I’d planned on getting a Diva Cup, and didn’t bother stocking up on other supplies because, well, it’s easy to forget to do that when you haven’t had to for 18 months.
As I mentioned earlier, it started like a full on tidal wave of menses. By the time Scott got home from work, I was down to my last tampon. I’d soaked through every pad.
I was doing that thing where you roll up toilet paper and shove it in your panties, and then you do the Super Soaker Shuffle back to the bathroom to replace it every 15 minutes because WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SUBSTITUTE FOR A MAXI PAD IS TOILET PAPER?!
I couldn’t go to Target with toilet paper in my panties. My God, what if it fell out? Suddenly, I remembered the kind folks at Luna Pads sent me some cloth pads to try out after I had Leyna, but by the time I got them in the mail, I was pretty much done with bleeding, so I never used them.
They sent me several types. Some that doubled up, some that went in a special pair of undies. I didn’t quite understand how they all worked, but I got resourceful, stacked all those bad boys on top of each other, shoved them in the special undies, and shimmied into that. I was sporting quite the package.
I never intended to use them on such… er… messy days, but I have to say, it was nice to have a backup stashed away in my underwear drawer.
As I was trying to escape to Target, Scott (who was leaving to take the kids to the park) kept rattling off other things for me to get.
“Scott, I have to go. Right. Now.” I said while glaring at him with my very serious eyes as Kendall tugged at my pants, begging to go with me.
Meanwhile, Leyna started crying… and I started lactating. Oh, but guess what? I was out of breastpads, too. So I had to change out of my shirt, and shove a couple cloth breastpads in my bra (which I normally can’t use for a great amount of time because, in case it hasn’t already been established, I was a dairy cow in another life, and make milk like it’s my fucking job).
Now, I still want to try the Diva Cup, but this was not the time to a. search for it at a local retailer or b. get elbow deep all up in myself, trying to overcome some sort of “learning curve.” So I was on the hunt for more super plus tampons and super plus pads (because, yes, I absolutely needed both if I ever wanted to leave the house anytime in the next 6 days).
I can’t imagine how hard it was for the hipster male Target cashier to keep a straight face as he scanned the items in my cart:
Halloween Oreos (What? They were on the end cap across from the tampons.)
Super plus tampons
Chocolate ice cream (I’m on my period. It was a necessity.)
Super plus maxi pads
I couldn’t have been more clear that I was hormonal and could leak and/or spray bodily fluids at any moment if I screamed it over the intercom.
Honestly, I was happy to make it out of there without hearing, “Clean up on aisle 9. Bring the biohazard kit.”
Kendall is 3 1/2 years, Leyna is 9 months, and I am 3 days away from needing a blood transfusion.