I love wine. I used to simply really like wine, but then I had kids. Now? Love. I drink it, I take vacations to where some of it comes from, I take pictures of it, I take pictures with it…
It’s widely known in my circle and beyond that a glass (sometimes 2) normally chills me out. “Chill, Jill. Have a glass of wine.” My husband often brings home a bottle he picks up on his way home from work, especially if it was a day I called and emotionally vomitted on him about life and chaos and OMG-WHY-DOES-OUR-SON-CHALLENGE-ME?
But, there are times in parenthood when, no matter how amazing it sounds, a drink is just not what you need.
You might think I’m about to start in on a PSA of sorts about the dangers of drinking while parenting. I am not. What’s about to pour out of my fingers is not for those without a sense of humor. All those who take themselves and me too seriously, feel free to exit now.
1. Before Bedtime: Okay, I know this is pretty close to a popular hour for pouring that glass you’ve been wishing for since the 3:30 post-nap tantrum, but now is not the time to indulge. The bathtime/bedtime battle is EPIC. You have to be of sound mind and body to win. A drink sounds good, but you know what sounds even better? SILENCE. You know how you get that? You put the kids to bed. Priorities, people. Bring your A game and focus on the prize. That drink will taste much better without kids pulling on your legs, begging you for one more episode of the Fresh Beat Band at 9:30 p.m.
2. Colic Hell: You don’t know when or if they will ever sleep again. You are a fumbling zombie, needing to pass out and wake up at a moment’s notice. There is no such thing as sleeping off a hangover, and a screaming baby is a bigger buzz-kill than that one time in college when the cops showed up at your apartment. So really? What’s the point? Save your money. Lord knows you’re probably throwing it at all sorts of “remedies” anyway. Sure you could get a couple decent bottles of wine for the cost of a Miracle Blanket, but GET THE BLANKET. The blanket will not give you a headache and you don’t need to operate a corkscrew (or locate a corkscrew, for that matter) to open it. However, it will be nearly impossible to figure out after you’ve had a drink.
3. The One Friday Night You Get A Babysitter: Oh sure, have a glass or two. But, if you end up at a bar, reliving the glory days with your partner, the ones where you used to put back a 6-pack between the two of you BEFORE you started taking shots, stop. Just stop. No matter how young and hip you feel in that moment, nothing brings you back to the reality of how incredibly parental your life is now like waking up at 6:45 a.m. on a Saturday to a 3 year old standing 2 inches from your face, apparently, examining your nostrils. Just imagine nursing a hangover on 5 hours of sleep while assaulted by the smell of tiny-human feces, crusted to butts that need wiping. Now, add psychedelic colors and nonsensical songs blaring at you, courtesy of Yo Gabba Gabba. Not enough Advil in. the. world.
So, while I’m all for *responsible* consumption of adult beverages, and enjoy a glass or 5 almost every week, sometimes you just have to realize a drink is not what you need.
Kendall is 3 years 2 months, Leyna is 6.5 months old, and I’m off to pour my glass of wine for the evening because I just kicked bedtime in the ass!