With Father’s Day this weekend, so many of us have big plans to thank that very special man in our kids lives. But what if your kids father is, well, absent? And I don’t mean not physically there. What if he’s just not interested in taking an active role in your kids lives? While I can’t personally comprehend this situation, Jeff Pearlman writes over at CNN.com about physically present/emotionally absent dads who, unfortunately, do exist. (A Father’s Day Wish: Dads, Wake The Hell Up.)
In it, he describes dads who would rather play golf for 5 hours on Sunday than spend quality time with their kids, painting their toenails pink and waking up early to play. He makes the argument that just because you spend time at the office all week, doesn’t mean you have the right to come home and spend the rest of your time recovering from it.
Can I get a freaking AMEN?
I, and most of the moms I know, am lucky enough to have a partner in this whole parenting deal who follows each of Pearlman’s 10 Commandments of Righteous Fatherhood. Sadly though, I’ve seen many moms who aren’t technically single parents, but are still left doing this thing alone.
Related: Moms, Direct Your Own Photos
And while I’m not meaning to put all the blame on these women, and I DO think the men should MAN UP and take on their fair share, I’ve got to say, some of these moms are… enablers.
Moms, I know we have a tendency to feel like our way is the only way, but the lesson to be learned here is just because it’s not done the way you would have done it, doesn’t mean it’s not right. Don’t nag your partner because he doesn’t match the kids clothes like you would, he doesn’t do the dishes like you would (guilty!), he doesn’t swaddle like you would.
While it’s one thing to offer help and suggestions when they are entirely clueless, it’s something completely different to say, “Ugh. You NEVER DO THIS RIGHT. Just give the baby to me. I’ll do it myself.” And then, from then on, you just assume you are the only person intelligent enough in your household to put a diaper on the correct way and take on the responsibility yourself. The result? A father who never changes diapers.
If you aren’t that mom, and you could drop your baby with a loaded diaper on his lap, walk away for 30 minutes, only to come back to a man who still flat out refuses to change it? Whoo boy. Wake the hell up. Poopy diapers are probably one of the least messy jobs of parenting.
And he’s never been alone with the kids? Ever? Why? Is it because he’s terrified? Is it because you think you’re the only person qualified to keep them alive? Try this little experiment. LEAVE. Without the kid(s). Just leave. It’s not illegal. You’ll come back. The kids will be fine. And, when faced with the challenge, I’m pretty sure you’ll find he won’t kill any of them. If in your heart of hearts you are genuinely afraid he will, wake the hell up and leave with the kids.
What I’m trying to say here is don’t make yourself a martyr. It takes equal parts mother and father to make a baby, and it takes EQUAL parts to raise one. (Edited to add- This isn’t me saying single parents aren’t capable of raising a kid. It’s just me saying that those who have a partner in all this, should expect equal input.)
And this isn’t just a SAHM thing vs. a WOHM thing. It doesn’t matter what your 9-5 is. The hours you and your partner are with the kids together you should be approaching parenting as a team. Yes, even at night.
I understand there are exceptions. My best friend’s husband flies planes for a living. Obviously, the nights before he flies it’s pretty imperative he gets good sleep. But you know what? He makes it up to her on the weekends. My husband, on the other hand, is not responsible for keeping anyone alive at his job… like I am. And napping at home with the kids, for me, is not an option these days. We share in the misery of frequent night wakings TOGETHER right now.
Related: I Like Feeling Like This- Like I’m Good At Parenting
So you’re crying about how little time your husband spends with the kids, how little he does to help you out? I ask you, is it because you’re enabling him? Playing into the stereotype that men can’t ever parent as good as women can? If so, wake the hell up and realize you’re creating your own hell. If it’s because he genuinely, flat out refuses to be an equal partner in this? Wake the hell up and… get thee to counseling.
Be good to your baby daddy this weekend if he’s your equal parenting partner. If he’s not, well you probably already bought him a gift. Go ahead and give it to him on Sunday, make him pose for pictures with the kids. Then, starting Monday, wake the hell up and expect demand more from him.
Kendall is 3 years old and Leyna is 5.5 months, and I am damn blessed to have procreated with such a fantastic man.
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94 comments
THANK YOU for this. I so needed to hear this today.
Im sorry i know this is a very old article & i didnt know how to reply to the article unless responding to a post. All i will say is maybe moms are more keen to do things themselves because if they dont it, it will be done with half effort. Thats the true reason. If the other parent cleans, the primary parent wont like it due to their “requirements” but more likely because its because its done with half the effort. Just some food for thought.
Exactly my thoughts ! I don’t think it’s fair when dad work so hard at work but put little to no effort in at home. We both work so we should both be able to come home and take CARE of each responsibility in the home like we do at work..
I love how these articles always act like there’s a way out. For the safety of my own life, my family and daughters life I have to continue being a prisoner. Being lied to daily, working, cleaning, cooking pay every cent of bills on my own while he sleeps all day long. Unfortunately I value my life more and it’s prettt disheartening when sites and domestic violence support groups victim blame. I will continue to shut my mouth. Coming from a state where domestic violence against women is very common and men have often gotten away with murdering there families even after the women has seeked help
My S.O sleeps all day, instagrams, facebooks, spends hours in the bathroom masturbating to porn and has zero quality time with his kids. I’m not bothered for me though, I have long since cancelled his ass from my heart. I just worry about the kids getting older and feeling rejected. The man spends more time on Instagram and internet shopping than he ever does with his kids. It’s sad.
Let me tell you, even though you put every bit of your energy into your children, they more than likely already feel rejected by him. My own kids have already approached me about why their dad doesn’t love them for doing the exact same as yours does. We’ve been split for a couple of years now but still live together due to financial reasons – it’s expensive to move. And I would like to state, his behaviour has been present the entire time we were married before the split. It’s not something new and a major contributing factor to our divorce.
??
Honey you need to get away from him. I don’t know you but I would even come get you just to get you away from him. You and your children deserve better than this. Your better than this. I live in little rock Arkansas with my husband and 2 children and if you need help I will be more than willing to help in any way I possibly can! Seriously! You need to get out of there! I’m very concerned for you!
My comment was for “Beau”
I beg to differ my wife says I don’t ever help with my daughter but I build houses for a living not just framing I build the whole damn house to finish an over 10 a year I am on drug court with a shit on of classes an I pass every ua I make every class an it’s for her an my baby I went from being in the street life hustlin doing what I wanted with no responsibility to being responsible in so many ways it’s hard I’m battling addiction I’ve used since I was 14 I have nerve damage I have a messed up spine I have really bad adhd so I disagree with what you cuz the top of job does matter flying planes that ain’t shit thats not hard labor yes I understand she gets stressed but so i I am going through a big change in a blink of an eye I just lost my best friend to suicide I’ve lost uncles aunt an like 6 more friend in last 2 years I want to help with my baby but I am always in so much pain after work i can barely hold my daughter I believe what your saying needs more insight cuz to me it seems like you judge off only a few peoples situations everyone’s situations are totally different I do everything an I do bond with my baby but when I first get home an it’s like here take your daughter i can’t even take my boots an cover all’s off before she hands her to me it’s like wtf I’m trying my best
All I heard was a bunch of excuses as to why youre not helping parent your own child. Everyone has a sob story, that doesnt mean you dont get to be a parent.
Shoot I even clean the house I shampoo the carpets I I work on are vehicles keeping them in good shape so they don’t break down an I do that work by myself I’ll change my daughters diapers of pee very little do I change the shitty ones my daughter is young when she hits about 6 months I’ll be able to bond with her more I feel like her you know what it’s the moms job that wants to be a stay at home mom to take care of baby I’ll help as much as my body will let me cuz I’m the one working paying bills making sure we have food making sure are vehicles are good making sure I’m staying clean y’all need to get a reality checklist cuz there is nobody who has professional insight with this kinda stuff so the fact you can sit there write that blows my mind cuz you don’t know nothin
You would have to work and pay the bills whether you had a family or not. Thank you for demonstrating the problem with so many fathers so clearly.
LOVE IT!!! I have an amazing partner but totally know some like you are talking about and it ANGERS me….
My H has no interest in our kids. Never really played w them when they were little and now is disconnected and uninvolved with them as they are teenagers. It is worse with our 16 yr old son. My husband, his dad, never spends time w our son. Doesn’t engage him in discussion, never asks our son anything about what’s going on in his teenage life. Doesn’t go to many of our sons games to watch him play, doesn’t take an interest in the sport our song is playing. Now our son has a gf, and recently started having sex. My son told me. I told his father. My husband has know for 1 month that our son is having sex and still has not spoken to our boy about it. I am so sad that my husband is so disinterested in our kids especially our boy. I think it is hurting our boy. I am very close to our kids, we talk about everything and I know all the details of their lives. My H doesn’t have any idea what is going on in our kids’ lives unles I fill him in.
What should I do?
Hi Sue, I’m kind of in the same boat only my kids are younger. Try and get your boy involved in your own dads life so he can have a father figure to emulate.
Fathers like the one in this article are the ones who give us a bad name. They’re the reason that when I tell some people what my son needs/wants they dismiss me, thinking there’s no way a DAD would know that.
They’re the reason Hollywood keeps making ridiculous movies about dads who can’t take care of their kids, and get absolutely no criticism for doing so. They couldn’t get away with making movies like that about mothers, yet for some reason it’s funny when it’s a dad.
Being a parent isn’t that complicated. You spend time with your kid, you do what they want (most of the time), you meet their basic needs and you let them know you love them. Sure it can be tough at times, when they’re getting on your last nerve, when you’re bored as all get out at home with them EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. But at the end of the day it’s totally awesome and totally worth it.
So good on Pearlman for telling it like it is.
Thanks for the father-ly input, Adam. I bet it is super frustrating to have your role nearly always portrayed as comic relief. If ever a movie were to be made about me, I’d hope they’d make fun of me because I laugh at myself every day. 😉
Jill,
What about fathers like me… The mother refuses to get up with our baby at night. I am the only one who gets up to feed and change diapers. I have talked and talked and talked about her lack of participation, but still no change. Got any decent advice for all the struggling fathers like myself out there? I’m at the end of my sanity here, literally.
Be careful. These could be early signs of post pardem depression. Sometimes moms have trouble bonding or feel trapped by their new role as Mom,,, make sure to give her plenty of support and encouragement. If she just wants nothing to do with the baby then she should probably see a doctor.
Will can we talk privately please?
I feel like it would help a lot……..I know it’s an old post
My ex sees his two sons 5 separate days a year (c2 birthdays, Xmas, summer and Easter) for the afternoon only. I am left to cope with EVERYTHING else. It was my father who told me to stop arranging his visits… and when I did, to my disbelief, the phone never rang. When they are old enough to go to the pub – he will want to start taking an interest. Thank you for explaining what a Dad’s attitude should be. Your children are lucky you are a great father.
AMEN. Do I sometimes do more than my “fair” share? Yes. But if I ever look at my husband and say “Dude, get up and do something!” he does. And I wouldn’t stand for anything less.
Women who say “Oh, it’s just easier for me to do it myself” and are then burnt-out? STOP DOING EVERYTHING YOURSELF.
Precisely. If a woman really, truly WANTS to do it all. Okay, I guess. But don’t complain about getting burnt out if you haven’t expected help. Personally, even if, for some weird reason, I enjoyed doing it all myself, I think it’s important for my kids to grow up with a male role model who takes and active part in our family functions from day to day.
It’s absolutely vital. It’s also vital to not raise a generation of men who are misogynists thinking women are supposed to do the housework and take care of the kids! THIS IS NOT THE 1940S! Boys will not learn this if they don’t see Daddy doing things. If Daddy sits on his ass and Mama brings him his dinner and his slippers and his paper? Little boy is going to expect the same treatment one day. And the cycle continues ad nauseum until someone goes all kamikaze on them.
Exactly! My husband can be lazy about housework and I knew this when I married him. I stay at home and I try to get as much done during the day as I can but with an active 2 year old it’s not enough. I actually made him read “The Politics of Housework” about 6 months ago because I needed him to understand why it was so important to me that our son saw both of us taking care of the house. It pissed him off for about 18 hours (no one likes being called out for being lazy) but after he calmed down he acknowledged that I was right and he’s been much better about helping around the house ever since.
This is exactly what I went through with my husband. Trust me, the cycle stopped with me, but not before his mother’s anachronistic parenting style led to him having INSANELY unrealistic expectations of marriage which almost ruined our relationship, and a SEVERELY deficient set of life skills which led to many, many problems for him that he’s still working to correct.
Mothers, if you’re still raising your son like it’s a version of the 50s that only existed on television anyway, you are not doing him any favors. You’re creating an emotionally hobbled adult who is going to have to go to a lot of counseling on top of having to learn basic life skills at a time when all of his peers (and potential life mates who expect him to be a functional adult in order to consider him an acceptable partner) have already mastered them.
You are so right, back when I was married my kids dad was really not interested in them at all- till my son was 7 or 8 then my son would join his dad for the marathon Yu-Gi-Oh days at the card shop- a game my son introduced to his dad. I also am not really sure if he ever changed one of his daughters diapers, not sure of he did in the hospital or not he never did once she came home.
Thankfully now that he’s out of the house, and after 2 years of very sperodic contact he has gotten a lot better. He will finally see them every other Sunday for 7-8 hours. This schedule works as long as he’s not working, if he’s working it seems to go down to once a month.
Thankfully my two (15 yr old son and 6 yr old daughter) know their dad and accept him as he is, I reinforce the fact that he loves them (I can’t see it by how he treats them and my daughter at times questions it) but, for the kids I’ll re-iterate it.
My dad is a way more constant influence in their lives, and going to be even more as we move within walking distance to them. He is the model of a father as far as I’m concerned, not perfect 😉 but pretty darn great.
Sadly, I see this A LOT in the families I Nanny. Especially where I am now. Mom works all the time(doctor) dad works from home. I use that term loosely because he doesn’t really do much except play video games and still when it’s time for me to be off the dad doesn’t want me to go till his wife is home and he gets mad at the kids within 5 minutes of being with them. Makes the wife ALWAD get up with the baby at night when he can sleep in the next morning and she can’t. It makes me sad.
My partner exactly.
Hear hear!
I have a few friends who are TOTAL enablers. They have to have cell phone in hand every time we go out so that their partners can call in questions. Seriously? My husband knows not to call unless en route to the hospital. All else can be sorted out without my input.
I think sometimes people like to feel needed so they create this whole feedback loop where they’re the only one who can handle anything. Personally it just sounds exhausting. If the babysitter doesn’t call every 5 minutes when I leave the house, why should the father of my children? (BTW – my husband is awesome with the kids. Everything is a disaster when I get home but the kids are happy and safe and I can roll with the mess.)
Thank you!!! My husband and I don’t have kids (yet), but we already have discussions about how he will be different kind of father than his dad, brother, cousins, and friends! He has one friend who is involved and true partner to his wife in parenting. Just ONE friend. His brother has never even changed a diaper! When I mention that I will expect him to do just as much as I do raising children, his female cousins or sisters-in-law pipe up with, “You don’t really expect him to get up at night? He can’t breastfeed a baby!” Uh, no, he can’t, but he can sure as hell bring the baby to me!
Also, my dad was one of those totally involved, “there’s nothing my wife can do that I can’t do” dads when it came to raising me and my sister. Because of that, we have never doubted his love for us and we were just as likely to go to him with problems as were to go to our mom. I think that helped us in our relationships with men. Unlike my husband’s cousins, and SILs, who grew up with absentee fathers and are now married to men who act just like their dads.
I need to get off my soapbox before I write a book!
Great post, Jill! Makes me think of just how lucky I am to have a husband who is 100% supportive and involved in everything related to our impending arrival, as not all are. He hasn’t missed a single prenatal visit, babysitter interview, pediatrician interview, baby class, etc and I know he’ll be the same once the baby comes. The idea of always swooping in to “save the day” with a dad is just like in management if you are ALWAYS second-guessing and doing things for your employees, they will never learn to do things for themselves and therefore you’ll always get stuck doing it! Not to mention you won’t be helping the dad/employee to develop their own skills and dad/job satisfaction at all (not that I am likening the mom:dad relationship to boss:employee but in this case I really believe it’s relatable). I was on a forum today and read a post from a young woman who was venting that her husband stays out all night, going to bars, not calling, not coming home when she’s 36 weeks pregnant. I just was thinking of how this is probably the easiest this woman will have it – now, before the baby comes. Because if it’s tolerated and accepted now, the behavior will continue no matter if the baby’s in the belly or the bassinet!
Awesome. I don’t have kids but I do have a husband who does more housework than I do. Whenever I get my self in a tizzy over whether the dishes are done the way I would have, or the bathroom or whatever I say “Hey, at least he did the dishes/folded the laundry/washed the counters.” It got done. If I want it to be done I either buckle down and do it myself or ask.
It is truly about partnering and sharing the load, not fulfilling stereotypes or maintaining control.
Thank you for this post and the link. Hubby and I had an argument this morning because he took a day off work expecting to do what he wanted only to find out this morning that day care will be closed Monday, which means he will be watching our daughter instead.
Love it! I am 34 & have 3 half-sisters that are ages 4, 7 & 8. When the oldest was about 2, I was talking to my dad one day and when I asked him what he was doing, he said, “babysitting.” I asked, “Who?” until I realized he meant his own daughter! I quickly explained to him that when it is his own child, it is most definitely not referred to as “babysitting!!!” I don’t think he made that mistake ever again!
If you don’t mind a little profanity, go check out Louis C.K.’s interview on Slate and scroll to the part about lunch with his daughters. The waitress made it sound like “fun, special time with daddy!” when it was really just him, being A PARENT like any other. So true… somehow we don’t expect as much from dads, and we should!
If I don’t mind a little profanity? hahahahahaha! I’m going to google it as soon as I get a minute 😉
And I want to add, I don’t mean a literal 50/50 split of all things. If you enjoy doing housework at night and your husband enjoys getting the kids ready for bath and bed, then perfect. If you don’t mind the sleepless nights, and he makes up for it by making breakfast, great.
I am so guilty of this behavior myself. What I want to know from moms: how do you handle your kid suffering because he’s learning? Our daughter isn’t hurt, of course, but he has trouble putting her to bed–he goes (very lightly) with the routine and doesn’t do a great swaddle. So she doesn’t nap/go down well with him. I don’t want her overtired and crabby, but I don’t want to backseat parent. How do I show him there are things that work magic if he’s willing to try (like freakin’ standing UP to rock her)?
I think you have a conversation with him when the moment has passed or before it happens again. Maybe remind him you appreciate the help, but that you think you guys can work together to make things a little smoother. Hopefully he’ll be more receptive to it and less defensive if it’s not the moment that the baby is crying or tired and you both are worn out.
First, you stop saying things like your kid is suffering. Just stop thinking of it like suffering.
Second, if you could contain yourself to showing him the swaddle that works, he might be receptive to it, but it makes me think there are lots of helpful hints you are giving him on many things.
It’s hard. I KNOW. You are in those early animalist/biological stages where your maternal instinct is still on overdrive. Step back. Even better, step out, out of the house. Go away for an hour or two. Let them figure it out on their own.
I still have to remind myself to chill out when I hear husband lose his patience with toddler. I try to remember that I lose my patience, too, and I get to do it when he’s not around to see me do it. In fact, he pretty much never gets to be around for my mistakes.
If you are there, you won’t be able to stop yourself from reacting in some way, even flinching. So go, go out and get a cup of coffee.
Oh, but do show him the swaddle thing. Promise you won’t make any other suggestion if he will just do the swaddle this. exact. way.
Love that advice, Lisa.
PS – Go get two Miracle Blankets, immediately. There is only one way to swaddle and they are AMAZING for a kid who needs a tight swaddle.
And thanks, Jill. Us control freaks need to help each other out. 🙂
Amen!
I do think so much of this starts early when we are all hopped up on maternal instinct, “Yes, honey, I know she’s your daughter, too, but when she is crying, every cell in my body screams at me, ‘COMFORT YOUR BABY! STOP HER CRYING!.'” You are driven that is HAS to be you, and we can thank our survival of our genes instincts for that.
Even if we go back to work (like I did at 14 weeks) the pattern is well set. You have to make a conscious effort to break out of it.
The only way I could was to leave the premises. If I was around, I couldn’t help but interfere, I couldn’t stop myself.
Leaving really helped my husband figure things out and let me stay out of things when I was around.
Lovve this. Posted your link. Thanks for the thoughts. Nice to know there are other women with a similar mentality- here I am called ‘new agey’ and ‘unbiblical’ when I suggest the man is equal. ( That does not stop me. My hubby jokes I am the blacklist of all my friend’s hubbies.) Funny I know but it is one of the sad aspects of religion.
Anyway, it is always so refreshing to read your blog, Thanks
It’s funny to me that some argue this behavior is justified by the bible. I’m fairly certain Jesus would not be an absent, douchebag father. Thanks for the kind words 🙂
A-Freaking-Men! I have been saying this type of stuff for years. It gets so old, having my grandmothers and mom comment on “Just how lucky I am” that my husband is so active and involved. Umm, hello?! That’s how it should be. (And it doesn’t make me any less of a Mom for it!) Thanks for writing it out so well 🙂
Yes. This. You summed it up well. I would not survive if I did not have an active partner. I may do more in some areas, but he does more in others. Couldn’t agree more with not enabling behavior that you want to change. Great post!
One thing my mom taught me was the a father needs to help. I always remember my dad really being in our lives.
So lucky that my baby daddy is hands on. I’ve never felt scared or anything to leave him with Jack. I might get some guff now and again, but it’s not much. I also have no problem having my alone time. Whether its a trip to the store or a girls night out.
If I don’t want to do baths, I’ll offer him a choice: bath time or dishes. He’ll always choose bath time. 🙂
Well said! I am working on being an enabler. I trust my husband and he is a great dad, but I feel like I don’t want to burden him by leaving him to watch the baby alone… And then I complain when he doesn’t know “what it’s like.” But I am getting better. And man does it feel good to just dump my son with him and walk away when I need a break!
I’ve posted similar sentiments on my facebook page, and been SHOCKED that (women on a feminist page!) are quick to say “But I love doing all the housework/childrearing/houserunning! It’s not my man’s job to help me out with these kids – he WORKS!” And I’m left weeping for future generations.
But I’m going to post this again, and we’ll see what happens 🙂
Color me shocked, too.
I do consider keeping up the house “my job” since I was laid-off, but PARENTING?!?! How is that solely a woman’s job?
Here is the ultimate argument to, “But, honey, I’ve been at work all day, I’m exhausted, I need to unwind and relax.”
“So, unwind and relax with your children.”
“Are you crazy? They aren’t relaxing. They are more tiring than the office.”
“EXACTLY! See you in an hour or two.”
Brilliant post! I am also lucky to have a fantastic husband who is also an amazing dad. He works 50+ hours a week, and when he comes home he’s straight on the floor with our 3yo and 8mo boys playing cars. He does everything with them that I do, bar breastfeeding obviously lol, and our kids adore him. I really hit the baby daddy jackpot and it really really annoys me when i see my friend’s husbands and partners bitching and whining about how the mrs expects them to – shock horror – PLAY WITH THE KIDS when they come home from work.
Dude, (yeah, I said it!) that would NOT fly in our house. I am working this entire weekend, 9-5 each day, and people ask me who is watching our son. Um, his father? The general response? “Oh, that’s so great that your husband babysits!” NO!!! He is parenting his kid. Caring for your own child is not ‘baby-sitting’ no matter your gender or bread-winner status. Really?
I have to say, as much as I enjoyed your post and the article… there are a few things that I disagree with. Working is NOT easier. Both working out of the home and staying home have different challenges. As a working mom, I spent my lunch break running to daycare to nurse my baby and has so much guilt/sadness about leaving him that I could hardly see straight. I also do not like the idea that Dad should not play golf on weekends… at all. My H and I both work, and I think we both deserve a little break/time alone on weekends. I agree that kids should come first and parents should spend time with them as much as possible, but some balance needs to happen in order to maintain sanity! Finally, I have to say that in some families and cultures, men and women still hold very traditional roles… and thats OKAY!!! If one parter is unhappy, of course, the issue needs to be addressed… but I think that for some, keeping “traditional roles” works, and we (the rest of the world) should not jusdge them for that. There may be a dad who does not change diapers… but contributes in many other ways and that doesn’t make him a bad dad. Of course, not in MY HOUSE, but maybe for some. Happy Fathers day all!
Part of me lauds the author because of the NEED for this topic in general. I’m an active father and without me, my son would be absolutely foundering in unwarranted privilege sans guidance, combined with reckless abandon and complete lack of accountability, all rolled up in momentary, convenient affection which would be dropped at a second’s notice, leaving him devoid of comforting arms, confused and forced to make his own way in a world made chaotic by his so-called mother. PARENTS, not just fathers, need to step up to bat and realize they need to be PARENTS, not their child’s “best friend”. Nevertheless I admit, it galls me as a man when I see men NOT taking the reins actively when it comes to their child’s welfare and I DO think the phrase “Man up.”
Then another part of me wonders very specifically why we never see comparable articles on Mother’s Day since even THIS article notes such fathers are the exception rather than the rule. It does its job: “I know this is your day, but it’s a great opportunity to take a dig at men in general by stating that only the exceptions are lacking in character and social fortitude… but really letting you know that it’s enough MEN this just HAS to be said before our li’l ol’ hearts just burst with the effort to contain our collective disappointment and ire.”
If the author of THIS article really believed that such men were the exception (as she and the majority of her friends are privileged to understand), this bit of writing wouldn’t have a leg on which to stand.
Perhaps such “fathers” aren’t the only ones who need to wake the hell up.
EDIT: I retract. It’s early, and a second reading demonstrated that I missed a key point.
Sorry.
It’s cool, Michael. Happy Fathers Day.
I am a Dad, have two little ones (5 months and 2.5 y/o boys) and a wife who stays home. By the time the weekend rolls around, wife needs a break and there are lot of things to do around the house. We each do what we can. We are tired all the time, and don’t have time to do anything for ourselves except a very occasional date. Whatever. Why is this article written on Father’s Day? Another chance to take a shot at men? Boo hoo! Too many people aren’t happy with their lives and this is a poor time and a poor outlet for it. Go Dads!
I’m not going to speak for Pearlman, but my response was based on the timing of his article. It’s also a post I’ve been meaning to write for a long time, so I took this opportunity to let it be my muse. And, believe me, I’m all for chanting GO DADS! for those that are contributing to their family and helping out in whatever way they can.
At my best friend’s baby shower one of our friends from high school asked me where my then 10 month old was. I told her she was at the grocery store with her father as I had to put together the shower then host it. She had her 9 month old with her. When I told her where my baby was she was amazed, her semi exact words were “wow, all by themselves, my husband would never be comfortable taking the baby on an outing like that- he just watches her around the house so I can do some housework”. I just stared and said that my husband was really good with our kid and left it at that.
I’ve read the article, and I want to comment from a different perspective. My dad was this guy, he came home from work, ate dinner, plopped on the couch and fell asleep. On the weekends he went to play golf, both days, if my mother was working, I was left to watch my little sister (7 yrs younger). I never spent any “quality” time with my father, if I tried to talk to him after he came home he informed me he was tired and didn’t want to hear me talk. It sucked, I grew up without a relationship with him, I still don’t have one, and he now says *I* was/am an unloving kid. So to everyone out there, this affects more than tired moms, this affects the kids, big time.
My dad was the same way. He was my favorite person growing up and he rarely gave me the time of day. He still never texts or calls. He is going to die without ever knowing who his kids are. Terrible and Sad.
So sad. 🙁
I agree with the “man up” idea for lazy parents (be they a dad or a mom), but as a soon-to-be-SAHM I do wonder where the line of fairness is drawn. I definitely want my husband to spend quality time with our child(ren) and help me out with housework when he can, but if it’s my full-time responsibility to be taking care of the kids and house, I imagine I will feel guilty at times asking him to do more. Any advice on how to combat that possible issue?
Love the comments on how to guide them, rather than just taking over and doing it “the right” (your) way- I can see how that would become problematic quickly!
Janlyn, the way I see it, my husband and I work the same hours. I’m the “full-time” parent when he’s gone, that includes office hours, the time he’s commuting and the weeks he travels and stays in fancy hotels and “networks” while having adult beverages and adult conversation. When he’s home, we’re equal parents. Of course, there is give and take. He does his best to make up for that extra time he’s away by letting me sleep in most weekend mornings, but if I know he’s run down or he has a big presentation to prepare for, I step in and take on extra. Yes, being a mom is a “full-time” job, but so is being a dad. Don’t feel guilty for wanting a break and a partner the hours your husband is home with you.
Thanks, I needed this. I have tried everything and I don’t things are going to ever change. My husband and I have been together for 16 years and we have four children. I feel like I am responsible for the children and everything else. I am so burned out. I think the only thing that will make him wake is leaving with children. I don’t know what else to do. He is just a very selfish person. If anyone has any advice please let me know. Thanks
What an excellent post. When I was a teenager I thought that my Dad was boring because he didn’t have any hobbies. Later I realized that he did have hobbies, but he put them all aside to spend more time with his family. That realization blew me away and i’m forever grateful for all the time he gave to us.
How does a mother approach her son who is a new father and acts distant, and insensitive to the child? Tamee Levine 530788 4222 HELP!!
My husband believes he doesn’t have to do anything due to his long commute. He takes that train 1 1/2 hr each way and wakes up extremely early. (He picked where we live). During the weekdays he gets a little slack but on the weekends I expect him to help. However, he doesn’t. He believes he can sit on the couch and do nothing because he’s tired. I also work full time and take care of our 14 month old boy. We’ve fought about him helping out and how he constantly says it’s because he doesn’t feel well or he’s tired. Even if I say I’m going to leave him with the baby for a little he says he won’t do anything while I’m gone. So, it’s not because I think I do it better that I don’t let him help. It’s because he tells me he doesn’t care and won’t do it. Then when I do make him he gets angry and I’m afraid he’ll take it out on the baby. I have extra help on the weekdays with a mother’s helper who is the absolute best but I shouldn’t need her because I have a perfectly capable husband who just doesn’t want anything to do with taking care of a baby. I don’t know how to get him to take responsibility.
I have been married for close to 14 years and we have three kids. My husband has never helped with homework, housework and will not participate in any disciplining or raising of the kids. He will take them on fun outings but all of his time at home is Spent sleeping even if I am running around like a maniac trying to help the kids he will never lend a hand. Even if I am close to hysteria it would never occur to him to do anything but watch TV. He believes that because he has long hours in television 12 to 14 hours a day and makes millions of dollars a year it means he is entitled to do nothing. I am not enabling and you are victim blaming when many of us have begged and pleaded and threatened divorce with no change. The only thing left for me to do is leave him. Kids will be devastated but I can’t keep raising them myself while watching him laying in bed.
Emmy i totally feel you. And the victim blaming is terrible.
I’ve tried all sorts of things to cajole my partner into being more involved and helpful. In fact I spend more energy trying to get him to grow up than my two year old twins. I’ve thought of leaving so many times.
It’s gotten better but it is not my fault he is lazy and selfish. And it’s not because I’m an enabler. The amount of stress it causes me to try to get him to help is not worth it.
Ive applied parenting techniques to him and sometimes they work.
There’s only so much you can do. Sorry you are in this same situation.
Hi Sara,
I relate so much to what you say. Having twins can be so hard…I need extra help and involvement from my husband and in actuality the help I do get is much less than what I see other dads giving when I observe my mom friends. It’s frustrating and most of what I have tried has not improved the situation. It’s lonely.
Your comment is recent, so I know you are “in the thick of it”…sending good thoughts your way that things will get easier soon.
This is my life as well. Married almost 16 years with a 7 and 3 year old. Husband works hard at his job but at home he is either sleeping or watching tv. He has never done anything for me or either of our kids besides occasionally playing with them or watching tv with them. I mean no diapers aside from the hospital when they were born via c-section and I couldn’t, no baths, no helping with dinner, nothing! I’ve begged, cried, pleaded and threatened. We’ve been to counseling but nothing has truly changed. To make matters worse he has gotten us in major debt and still spends frivolously. He is so irresponsible financially and as a parent. It is so depressing. I also home school so I never have a break from my kids(whom I love dearly) but everyone needs space. When he gets home from work he goes straight to things he needs to work on. I’m 37 and in the beginning stages of starting school again to provide for myself which is scary as well. I can’t see living this way for another 16 years though. My son will be devastated but he needs to know this is not how a husband treats his wife. I’ve sacrificed a lot over the years so my husband could advance his career. I just don’t know how to mentally and emotionally handle this anymore.
He refuses to let me leave without the kids, I have to stay home and homeschool. He works (hides) at work 24/7 and sleeps, which means he is gone from 5 A.M. to 7 P.M. comes home, eats, sleeps and leaves again 5 Days a week, Friday he does get off early but stays gone paying bills and insists on doing this. On Saturday he works from 9-6 but sleeps late and comes home, try’s to have his way and sleeps more! Then on Sunday he wakes up around 2 P.M. eats, leaves and does the shopping for the house, maybe watches TV with my 9 year old but usually, he works on sleeping more. He also has a 2 year old
I’m just going to take this opportunity to rant my frustrations. My ex is ( in my eyes) selfish and and acts intitled. We broke up following the close of a CPS case that had been opened due to him socking a hole in our bedroom door. We had previously agreed to split the tax return ( I was SAHM) But he decided to to move out of state instead and kept my half “ because he needed the money for the move” accetialy moving out prior to me finding employment and without any finiacial cushion. He cozied up in his sisters basement,which he had fully refurnished to his liking, practically rent free. All the while harassing me about how little he face timed with the girls ( I had to cancel cable and WiFi for finiacial reasons) and how the child support check he sent some how equated to me being his employee. He also refused to acknowledge Or discuss the challenges I faced with the girls behavior following his absence and compared him leaving to being a military parent. He was working part time, making $12 an hour. Here’s a copy of the last text message I sent him. I not proud of it, but it’s how I feel.
I just read the novel you sent me last week and just so things are straight…. It’s never been and never will be about me. It’s always about the kids. But what you have to understand, is that children demand so much more from their mother then most fathers realize. And I am just as human as you are. It’s so fucking emotionally draining to be constantly caring for the lively hood and different sets of needs each child demands. And I don’t resent you for leaving, I resent the fact that I have a child with someone who would leave. And I have control over the kids because you gave up yours when you left. But while your chill-axing in your man cave down in your sisters basement, playing video games with your buddy, I’m keeping your kids alive. And because that’s not enough, I get the luxury of also being responsible for ensuring they communicate with their father because he decided to bail before they were old enough to do it themselves. And aside from paternal reasons, you sending that check is the only reason you can call yourself a father. And by the way, if you hadn’t volunteered child support, the country your were born and raised in, would retrieve it for me. Because in the “grown- up world” you take responsibility for your offspring and in today’s society, basic human survival is fundamentally based on financial ability to do so. So your check will never buy you more phone calls. It will only insure their survival. Lord knows if I could afford to, I would pay you to be the father the girls deserve to have. So remember, when you fuck me over, your actually fucking your kids over. Not that your even capable of seeing anything that doesn’t start with your needs first.When you get a chance, find the nearest mirror, and take a good look at yourself.
Fast forward to present day and he has now decided to move back. He realized how important it is for him to be closer to his daughters. We once again had agreed to split the tax return, but he ,of course, now needed the money to move back. ( I’m a stupid girl) But what really frustrates and saddens me is that apun his return, he decided to to have lunch with his friends and touch base with his pals prior to coming and seeing his daughters. He stopped by to say “Hi” and pick up some paint supplies for his new place and said he’d be back in a few days to spend more time with the girls. They’re 2 and 4 and have seen him a total of 10 days in the past 8 months. They would have loved to have lunch with him and then he just pops in and out, as if they had a solid comprehension concerning his return or presence. When I asked how soon he would be able to to take the girls ( for the day, an hour,f**#&#& for 10 minutes!!!) he expressed that he would need the time to get his living situation up to his standard and how it would be difficult to look for employeement if he had the girls. No shit Sherlock, WTF.
What do you do when hubby is self employed and working silly hours……I’ve talked to him many times about spending quality time with him girls but he doesn’t make the time and insists that he doesn’t need to do this alone….he takes work calls all the time regardless and messages. My 9 yr old told me yestarday that daddy can’t care about her and her sister because he’s never home. It broke my heart, but he’s never around and even when he is with a quiet week he still doesn’t put any effort into being a father. I have to be completely unavailable for him to actually do something for them….
Reading some of these comments makes me feel better about my fiance but he still makes me want to leave him sometimes. Like, he still smokes in the car when the babies not around and still tries to smoke in the house (in the bathroom under the vent) even though I’ve asked him not to. It should be common sense that second hand smoke is incredibly bad for children especially since our son is only a month old. I have to ask him repeatedly to help with housework. While I was pregnant I worked and did everything while my feet were swollen. He worked less than me and called in all the time. When he drinks he berates me in front of our son. He stopped drinking but it’s still fresh how awful he was. Now that he works full time and is the sole breadwinner (for now) he is so tired that all he wants to do is come home, play video games. If I’m lucky he may cook something but usually he leaves that to me as well. I let him sleep because he is working and I am not. Fortunately our baby is awesome and has been letting me get more and more sleep. But I almost lost my mind when he was first born. He has done the dishes once in the past 2 or 3 months… He hasn’t touched the laundry in ages knowing I’ll do it… It makes me resent him so much how freaking lazy he is. I mean my dad worked full time and came home and took care of things around the house, spent time with us, never complained… Why is it so hard? My husband sits there playing video games on his phone high… Baby will be looking at him and he’ll say something then go right back to playing games, will hold the baby some of the time but when the baby starts crying he puts him down doesn’t know how to handle it expects me to do something because he can’t… We already have had many issues before I ever got pregnant and now he tries but not hard enough, and I don’t want to nag but I want to leave him. It’s frustrating being with someone who isn’t fully grown up.
I can’t find my comment on here but my boyfriend is exactly the same … All he does is play video games and never helps watch her or clean, make food, nothing! She’s super clingy so he won’t even watch her for FIVE MINUTES so I can shower or so I can make her formula and clean up. I am SO frustrated except the worst part is , even though I’m out of work because shes only 3 months old, HES CALLING OUT DESPITE US OUT OF MONEY AND ABOUT TO GET EVICTED AND IS ONLY WORKING 10 HOURS A WEEK!! THATS 2 DAYS AND HE STILL WONT HELP! So guess who got a job that’s starting in 2 weeks and is starting full time college this month while taking care of her myself? ME. Oh and I’ve always been the bread winner and worked 45 hours a week on my feet while being harrassed at work for my whole 9 month pregnancy 🙂 he couldn’t even cover me for THREE MONTHS and totally screwed us financially and couldnt care less. I’m tired of being belittled in front of our daughter him smoking his e cig in the car and house in front of her when I say no and never helping even if hes hardly working .. I know it wont be any better when I’m working and doing school .. I might as well be on my own I think sometimes. But imagining being along with my baby and the financial stress on my own, I’ll never get to spend time with my daughter anymore.. you’re not alone.. life sucks sometimes and isnt always fair :/
I definitely understand how you feel, Maddie. My husband is quite similar. My husband drives a semi for work and is gone most of the month but a few days and at most a week. We have a 4 yo and 7 mo old daughters. He hardly takes the time or effort to do anything with our oldest and flips out if he has to care for our baby for too long, especially if she is fussy. He would rather spend the entire time he is at home playing video games whether it is on console or on his phone. I have talked to him about this and how he should want to do things with his children being he is gone all the time and he responds back with I don’t know what to do with a 4 yr old/baby and he also says that if I want him to do something with the kids then I should find something for them to do together. Really?… To me this is so absurd. Shouldn’t you want to spend time with your family if you are not able to for long periods of time? And another thing that makes me so angry is if I want things done around the house or if I clearly need assistance with the children then I have to specifically ask him to do something. He will absolutely not offer any help unless I “order”it. He doesn’t cook and doesn’t do housework and doesn’t initiate interacting with the children. Our 4 yo will ask him to do something with her and he just blows it off with a “I will do it later”. He is actually quite selfish. I have brought up these issues and he attempted a change but it was temporary. Lasted from one time he was home from the next time and reverts back to the same old him. Idk what to do any more.
Who helps him at work umm…… And why does he work …… See and employer isn’t worried about his health maybe not even his home life but you should if he was to die what would you do ,,…. ever thought of that ..
Not saying he isn’t to help but check in on him cause your job is to have the house settled before or when he gets home so everyone can be happy trust me you will get more of everything out of him he’s not a punching bag he is the reason you have a reason to ask for help.. And I say this cause no offense I had two hard working parents trust me things happen so women do your job to make it easy for you as well be just as present for him as you are for your kids thats your job you choose if not got to work and slit everything down the middle…
This is a crock of *hit. A women’s job is not to have everything settled when the man comes home. And what about the women who works and takes of the the household all by herself, while the man plays with his toys. The men need to step up before the women go insane.
I stay at home with my daughter who is 19mo. I get up every morning with her between 530 and 6. As soon as my wife was done breast feeding she decided to stop getting up mornings. This article really spoke to me. So, I am with DD from let’s say 6-7 pm. Wife comes home and give DD a bath and we put her to sleep between 7-730. What do I do with someone that doesn’t want to help or is being an absent mother? I mean at least she comes home and helps out for half and hour or so.
I have suspected post pardeum, but at soon as I brought it up I was shut down.
So, I’m not really sure how to bring this up or fix the problem. I would just like her to get up around 7 so I can get some extra stuff done around the house.
I really don’t think someone who has no idea what it’s like to be married to a person who completely surprises you when your child is born by not taking part can fairly write a piece like this. The author has no clue what it is like to be in a relationship like this. And just like in assault cases, it’s victim-blaming. The responsible parent is already carrying the ball that his or her spouse can’t or won’t carry. That person is already beaten down and exhausted and has likely tried most of the suggestions in this article. Blaming that person for the fact that when the ball is passed to the spouse, it simply drops dead to the ground is completely unfair. Because this isn’t a ball. It’s a child. Sorry, but you have no idea.
Thank you. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this comment. Words can’t express how shocked I was when I gave birth and my husband just… declined to be a parent. This is a kind, gentle, responsible man who always seemed great with kids but has no real interest in spending time with his own. I’m trying really hard here to handle a situation that I never imagined, and you know what doesn’t help? When I google “husband won’t spend time with kids,” desperate for some reassurance that I’m not alone in this absurd situation, and find myself reading articles that tell me I must have brought this on myself by insisting on doing everything myself and not giving my husband space to be a parent. No. Just no. I have tried everything. This is not my fault.
I’m in a rutt girls. My baby daddy WAS (mostly) supportive during my pregnancy, went to EVERY prenatal appointment, even when it ended up being an hour drive and at the last couple months I went WEEKLY because I was high-risk.. He went to classes, even one about breast feeding AND a daddy boot camp by HIMSELF, he went to Prental Consults and the Hospital Tour with me.. EVERYTHING. So if the baby hasnt arrived yet and they’re involved NOW.. DON’T ASSUME. Things may COMPLETELY change when the baby arrives because things ARE different with the baby here..
So I worked laborious hours as a Manager on my feet my entire pregnancy all 8 1/2 months on my feet while being harrassed just because I’ve always been ththe bread winner and had a better job than him due to my experience and clean record. So we both saved enough to support up to 6 months off IF he would get a second job and take charge for those months and AT LEAST take home close to what I was on my own between the TWO so I could stay with baby the first half-year of her life then return to work.. Anyways, once she was born, I let him take a whole week off because baby ended up being in NICU for an entire month unfortunately.. So once he returned to work, he couldn’t handle the pressure of being the breadwinner and head of household so since day 1 never worked a full even 40 hour week, in which he was supposed to he working 50-70 hours.. I had done this for years as a salaried manager and worked more hours than him 8 MONTHS PREGNANT than he has even ONE WEEK that I’ve been off work.. despite his daughter and I RELYING on him and needing his help fully this ONE time.. So, of course, we ran out of the money we saved after 3 months instead of 6 because he wasnt even taking home half of what we agreed to due to his lack of working, so we paid all our bill’s with the saved money instead. So not only this, but despite him only working literally 10-25 hours a week and complaining about it and me having to fight with him about going to work in the first place, he makes me feel bad for being out of work even though this is the first time I’ve been out of work more than my week vacation since I was 14 years old and i am 23… I was still bleeding and not even healed yet and he said I should be working to “help him because he is struggling ” and he never thinks about how I FEEL. He WILL NOT help with th baby hardly at all, I have to fight him to watch her for a measly 5-10 minutes while I throw on my clothes in the morning or have to take a shit for Christ’s sake. And when he DOES “Watch her”, he just shoves a binky in her mouth and he falls asleep or he plays video games and let’s her cry instead of playing with her and taking care of her. Like, I’m the only one who wakes up at night, who gets her food together and changes her diapers, who plays with her for an hour at a time or more and entertains her or walks around and bounces her when shes upset. He literally makes it seem like what i do is nothing, taking care of her 24/7 is easy , yet he never wants to do it, despite that I have been busting my ASS to find myself AND him a new job, trying to file my unemployment claims that i never received every week, clean the apartment , make her formula, do the laundry and ALL while NEVER putting her down hardly ever because she wont sleep without me and constantly cries if I dont hold her. I feel like I’m all on my own in this, I’ve contemplated leaving him BUT im stuck in a lease for another 5 months and even if I’m working Full time I cant afford it myself eith my car and couldnt even while in my management job. He got a new job because I forced him to go in and apply at places starting next week since hes only working twice a week right now but its min wage but even if hes making a thousand or less a month it helps since our Bill’s are around 2400 bucks so I really have no options right now. I’m also extremely worried because i got a new job and going back to work as well as full time college online and I know it’s going to OVERWHELMING with a 3 month old ESPECIALLY since I know things aren’t going to change and I’m going to be the k ly one caring for her when I’m home, even when I’m doing online school and he will just play video games.. I hate that he obviously doesnt want to be involved. It seems as if he wishes he had a different life and that he doesnt want to be with me or have this baby anymore despite him saying that he loves her he doesnt show it with his actions at all. He likes the idea of her but doesnt want to take the responsibilities or get his hands dirty and can’t deal with her crying or anything like that but that’s what you have to deal with when you agree to HAVE A CHILD. Ugh, sorry I needed to rant. I love my daughter so much but the way baby daddy is acting, despite our 2 years coming up in a few days.. I feel like were drifting apart and I’m starting to fall out of love with him the more and more he puts me down and refuses to help. I’m tired of him acting like taking care of our daughter is a chore . I just want him to love us and WANT to be a part of this family, I just wish he would talk to me so I could understand. But he wont even LISTEN to me talk regularly let alone respond. If he was working like 50 plus hours a week or something I would somewhat understand him wanting time to himself, but even if he works 2 days a week 4 hour shifts like I said he STILL acts exactly the same, I’m sure if he wasnt working at all and I was itd still be the same. It’s hard imagining doing this l myself and being on my own, it isnt fair . We used to be so happy s d he used to be involved, but after this baby, he just changed 🙁
I hear you saying you have know personal experience in this situation, yet you have a lot of judgements and opinions on how to deal… not helpful.
My kid’s dad comes in and out when he feels like it . And it’s mostly at night when I’m already bathing them and trying to feed them and put them to sleep not once has he ever helped and my 4 and almost 3 year old are Dennis the menaces’ . I’ll walk by and if he’s not on his phone he’s snoring. And anytime I have him sit in the bathroom so I can get towels out of dryer or get their clothes and lotion together he gives me a stupid look and literally sits their on toilet in space . I’m beyond annoyed and when I bring it to his attention it’s world war 4. I try talking but he doesn’t care to hear me
My husband isn’t lazy by any means. He doesn’t like to sit around and do nothing. Problem is, all he does is stuff HE WANTS TO DO. He has hobbies. Lots of them. Hunting, fishing, riding his harley, rebuilding old trucks, boating, jet skiing etc. Even when he’s home, he’s never really home. He feels because he works outside the home all week, then when he’s off work he can do as he pleases. Problem is, I work also. I just happen to work from home. And all kid duties, housework and cleaning falls on me as well. I’m exhausted. Mentally and physically. I’ve spoken to him about this for years. It never changes. I brought it up in therapy years ago, never got any better. I’ve “gone on strike ” with the household duties, until I couldn’t stand to live in the filth any longer. He just doesn’t care.
I have demanded my husband step up so many times. I’m not enabling him to behave this way. I legitimately want him to try harder. The problem is when he dies something he rewards himself for it. Oh I had the baby in my arms for 2 hours and didn’t get lunch until way late so I get to play video games after work the whole evening. No. You don’t get rewarded for doing what you should be doing. There are 25 other things I needed from you during that time but ended up resenting you while I did it all again. I have nagged him and told him at least 4 times extremely seriously to fix it and he might be better for a day or so but that’s it.
Hi, so when our kids were under the age of 3 he would always be there helping even if work exhausted him because he seen I was exhausted too. Time goes by and it’s on and off. The past two years and my kids are now 15, 14, 11. My husband I just want to yell at but I’m so mad I just sit and cry which I know I have to fix that. My oldest and I went grocery shopping, cleaned animal cages made sure all the food was easy to get to, checked we had toilet paper ect. Point is we came home 10 days later, just yesterday. He hasnt bought groceries other then kids will find stuff around the house and ordered pizza once. Yes he works drives trucks 4x a week. But he says I’m on my day off ect. The fridge still has bad food in it. Now I can deal with kids can take care of laundry chores animals all that but they cant go get food. They need told on and off to get chores done. Did nothing. It’s one thing towards me it’s a whole other world with kids.
So now that I got in late last night today I have grocery shopping, get kids school stuff to puck up because they got sick, go get the mail in our PO box. Pay Bill’s. I had to make his dr appointment and I’m just like wtf am I doing.
This is pure misogyny. It’s never a woman’s fault if a man has decided to be such a disgusting pos that he doesn’t want to engage with his kids or even his wife. It is his fault 100%. Always. You can’t just ‘expect’ more of him. If he doesn’t want to do it, he won’t do it. My mother expected more of my father and he wouldn’t engage. The only thing she should have done was leave him. He changed his character completely once married as men often do. This needs to be written for men not women. The blame lies with them and acting otherwise is contributing to a culture that doesn’t call men out for their disgusting, neglectful behaviour.