Self-Checkout < Sleep Deprived Toddler On A Sugar High

It’s a Sunday. It’s a playoff game day. I know better than to attempt to grocery shop on days like this, but we needed beer and I needed a break from every breathing thing in this house.

I aimlessly wandered through the packed aisles, indulging in many impulse buys. I headed toward the front of the store with my cart full of cinnamon rolls and Little Debbie brownies, beer, and not very eco-friendly laundry soap (because I neglected to re-order the “green” stuff in time). A quick glance told me it wasn’t going to be easy to get out of the store. For one, I was going to have to claw my way into a line through the sea of chaos.

And then? Well, what line do I choose? The self-checkout lines were half the length of the others, and there were about twice as many to choose from. It seemed my choice was made for me. Obviously, it’s been too long since I last ventured out to grocery shop since I clearly forgot how MIND NUMBINGLY STUPID self-checkout robots are and how they make me want to smash my clenched fist through their STUPID ROBOT FACE/SCREEN.

Please scan your frequent shoppers card.


Please scan your frequent shoppers card.


Please scan your frequent shoppers card.


Please scan your frequent shoppers card.

“I did!”

An attendant has been alerted to help you.

“You have to wait 10 seconds before trying to scan it again, ma’am.”

::scowl, count to 10:: SCAN

Welcome valued customer! Please scan your first item.

Scan cinnamon rolls

An attendant has been alerted to help you.

“It’s the wind, ma’am. Every time the door opens it’s going to alert me to help you. Just keep scanning.”

::deep sigh, scan, put item in the bag I brought::

Unidentified item in the bagging area. Please remove the item from the bagging area.

::pause, fumble, pick up bag::

An attendant has been alerted to help you.

“Seriously? SERIOUSLY.”

::attendant is visibly annoyed::

::am now resisting the urge to loudly argue with a robot::

Please scan your next item.


Item not recognized. Please re-scan the item.


Item not recognized. Please-


An attendant has been alerted to help you.

“Please remove the item from the scanner and wait 10 seconds before trying again, ma’am.”

::roll. eyes. hard.::

Scan, place item in re-usable bag.

Unidentified item in the bagging area. Please remove the item from the bagging area.

::consider, perhaps, the self-checkout robot is in business with plastic bag makers and those who chant “drill, baby, drill,” because it’s obviously not a friend of the re-usable bag and must be an EARTH KILLER::

An attendant has been alerted to help you.

::attendant doesn’t even make any more excuses, fears me for sure at this point, presses buttons on master control self-checkout robot’s face and moves on::

An attendant has been alerted to help you.

::notice the door opened again, thus upsetting the ever so delicate robot with it’s chilly draft, wait for attendant to actually “help”::

(Repeat previous 12 lines x 10, equalling approximately 15 minutes and 15 assists from the attendant from the first item to the last.)

::Ready, FINALLY, to check out, push button saying so::

Do you have any coupons?

NO. (Good Lord, could you imagine the clusterfuck that would be?)

Do you have any items under your cart?

NO. (But I wish I had a sledgehammer to BREAK YOUR FACE.)

Please choose your method of payment.

::push credit button::


::notice I am now to swipe card in credit card machine adjacent to jerk-face self-checkout robot, swipe::


::notice I am now to switch my full attention back to jerk-face self-checkout robot to press the credit button again::


::notice I am now to switch BACK to credit card machine to enter my pin number::

Thank you for shopping with us. Please remember to take your receipt.

::search for receipt in all obvious places before discovering the machine spit it out at crotch level::

::load up bags, resist urge to light store on fire as I leave::

I actually feel less frustrated trying to communicate with my curious, demanding, stubborn, tantruming nearly 3 year old. So much for a “relaxing” escape to the grocery store.

Kendall is 2 2/3 and Leyna is almost 4 weeks old. And tomorrow I will attempt to survive my first day as a SAHM to 2!

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  1. lol. I was forced to go to one just a few days before Xmas when I was finishing up shopping and had my 2 yr old in the cart. Not a single freakin regular register was open.. it was 10pm and not a soul in the store either. It took me 1/2 hour to checkout. I was sweating by the end of it.

    Good luck tomorrow. Been doing it for a couple months now except my husband only comes home on Friday’s. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. Better go to bed early. hehe

  2. Lol, I know it’s not really funny when you’re the one in that moment. Good luck tomorrow, you’ll do fine !! I do remember being terrified the night before Matt went back to work and I was going to be alone with both of them for the first time.

    I was very very afraid of James and the noisy tantrums that I knew he was probably going to throw…while I was on the couch with a newborn latched on. Good luck. Big pot of coffee in the morning, and leave the house for yourself for a little while if you can tomorrow night when Scott gets home.

  3. TheFeministBreeder on

    I fully believe that we should get a discount for using those stupid self-checkout lanes. The store is saving money by hiring fewer cashiers, and causing us paying customers MASSIVE frustration. Freaking Target gives me 5% off just for using my Target card… 5% off for using Jewel’s stupid effing robots is the LEAST they could do.

  4. The “Unidentified item in the bagging area” is the one that makes me want to claw my eyes out. THERE’S NOTHING EXTRA THERE.

    That and trying to find the right produce on the look-up menu. I have a potato. It’s a Yukon Gold. Why is that not an option?

  5. OMG I hate how they try to sabotage my reusable bags EVERY SINGLE TIME. Because I am sure it is amusing for everyone to watch the pregnant lady take the groceries out of the cart and stack them in the bagging area without being able to bag them until AFTER I pay when I have to move all the items into my reusable bags (on the floor because there is no room in the bagging area), and hoist the bags back up into my cart. Yes, that is much more efficient than ASKING me if I have reusable bags and allowing me to use them.

  6. Depending on how many items I have, and I try not to go through with too many, you can put all of your items into the plastic bag and then switch them to your reusable bag after you have paid. It sounds like a pain, but with 10 items or less, it is actually faster than all of the errors that the reusable bag causes.

  7. LOL!!

    What is it about bringing your own bag that so confuses the f*^&!!g robots? They are programmed to ask you about every other thing in the world. Why can’t they just say “Oh, did you bring your own bag?” Would it kill them to add that as a robo-option?!

  8. I fucking HATE the self check-out. Hard to imagine anything worse in a store but there is. It’s that lady “managing” the self check-out who looks at you all judgey when you can’t get it right.

    I’ve lost my shit on more than one of those chicks. Seriously? It’s not easy people.

  9. I DO cuss those sons of a bitches out…all the flipping time. Maybe I naively think this time will be different, but no, the self checkout robots strike yet again.

    As for the SAHM of 2…you’ll do fine! Just wait until she stops sleeping all day-then it gets tough! Now that our #2 is almost 9 months, I’m finally sort of handling it.

  10. I am definitely the person cursing at the self check-outs loudly enough to get side glances and stares. Embarasses the hell out of my husband. When I am near, those things, I CAN”T CONTROL MY TEMPER.

    ps. I’m a new “follwer”.

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