Leyna’s Birth Story

It’s hard to know where to start with this one. I mean, with Kendall I knew the moment I went into real labor. I lost my mucous plug, had a contraction shortly after and had a baby in my arms about 21 hours after that.

This time, however, there were a lot of false starts. I had my first round of false labor two weeks before Leyna was born. I began experiencing contractions a few hours after my 39 week appointment, and they lasted throughout the evening only to subside after taking Tylenol PM and going to sleep. I knew those contractions weren’t the real thing because they were too short (30-40 seconds) and coming every 2-3 minutes. They also didn’t radiate all the way around my abdomen, even though I still wouldn’t call them painless. That’s the night my mom decided to drive up… just in case, thus insuring that I actually wouldn’t have a baby for a very, very long time.

The following Tuesday I was still pregnant, but at my 40 wk appt. that morning the midwife determined I was 4 cm dilated and 80% effaced (a big change from the 2 cm and thick cervix the week before). I left that day feeling confident I would have a new baby by Christmas. So confident, in fact, I finally allowed my mom to buy the baby a Christmas outfit… thus solidly sealing my fate that I would not, actually, have a baby by Christmas.

In the wee hours of Christmas morning, one day after my due date, I began having strong, steady, real contractions. I laid in bed and told myself if they were any worse in an hour, I’d wake everyone up and we’d do the Santa thing with Kendall in the middle of the night (because he totally *got* it this year and would be super disappointed to wake and discover not only were mommy and daddy gone, but that bastard Santa skipped his house, too).  I had 5 contractions, 7 minutes apart… then nothing. I drifted back to sleep and we enjoyed our last Christmas as a family of three. It was, to tell the truth, quite perfect. I’m glad she chickened out and decided to keep baking through the holiday.

Following Christmas, I decided it was time to get serious and instated “Shop Until I Pop.” We walked the mall, the outlet mall, Target, any place I could think to spend money on random bits and pieces while simultaneously getting a workout that I was hoping would lead to labor. All that amounted from that was a few random bits of clothing, new shoes for Kendall and a dwindling bank account… but still no baby.

My 41 week appointment was the morning of the 28th. I prepared myself to go in there and learn that I was STILL at 4 cm and 80% effaced. I was ready to hear I’d be one of those poor women who walks around at a 4 for 3 weeks only to be induced. In fact, I was actually thinking maybe it was possible I would be closing up by that point. Maybe I’d be only 2 cm again. Maybe the baby was retreating back into my womb. Maybe she heard me go a little crazy over Christmas with all the chaos and stress and decided she’d actually much prefer to stay inside where Psycho Mommy Of Doom couldn’t touch her.

“I don’t even know how you’re still pregnant,” my midwife said to me after an internal exam revealed I was indeed more than 4 cm dilated. I was sitting at a solid 7, pretty much completely effaced.

Mind. Blown.

I had to work SO HARD to get to 7 cm with Kendall. Like, I had a good 19 hours of REAL labor behind me before I got to 7 with Kendall. And then? He was born about an hour after that. So, yeah… internal freaking out commenced. How was I still pregnant?? And more importantly, how much longer could I stay that way??

Pretty much the only thing keeping a baby from shooting out of my vagina at that point was my water bag of STEEL. Once that popped, my midwife warned me things would probably go really, really fast. We live 3o minutes from the hospital, and that’s without traffic.

So when my midwife suggested she strip my membranes to get contractions going, have me go home and get my things and then meet me at the hospital shortly after to break my water, I nearly jumped off the exam table to kiss her. YES! Let’s do this! Because, uhm, I sure as hell am not doing this on the side of the road… or in my car… or in my bedroom… or any place in between.

The contractions that started after she stripped my membranes (for those of you wondering just what the hell that entails, it’s like she crammed her finger all the way up my cervix and ran it between my bag of water and my uterus, and it was as delightful and comfortable as it sounds) were just like the contractions I’d felt the last two Tuesdays after my internal exams, but maybe a tad more regular, a little stronger, maybe a smidge longer. But still, nothing like “real” contractions. I never had to breathe through any of them. I just went about my business, drove home, told Scott to take the rest of the day off work and started leisurely packing for the hospital. We left about an hour later, calmly drove to the hospital.

I’ll say that on the way to the hospital I was mentally preparing myself for what was to come because, for as easy as it was to get to a 7, I was certain I was going to have to work really hard for the last 3 cm. And as much as I wanted to believe it would go fast, I knew there were no guarantees. Scott and I sort of gave each other mini pep talks on the way there. “You can do this, you’ve done this before, DON’T think about how long it’s going to take,” he said.

We checked in at 12:25. The whole experience was pretty surreal. I felt like I was showing up for a scheduled birth. When I arrived at the desk and stated we were there to “have a baby,” the nurse looked at me like, “riiiiighhhht… this is going to take all night.” I was still chatty and 90% comfortable through my contractions the whole 20 minutes they had me on the monitors in the room while Scott worked on blowing up my labor tub and filling it with water.

I went into it thinking a water birth was a possibility, but I didn’t have my heart set on one. Mainly, I just wanted the water to help manage the pain of the contractions since it seemed to work so well with Kendall. My midwife mentioned she would feel more comfortable delivering the baby if I was out of the water so she could see if the baby’s cord was wrapped around her neck, and I told her I wanted to do what she felt was safest. Since I didn’t have any big water birth plans, I told her I’d be fine with getting out of the tub to push, but followed it with the disclaimer that I couldn’t promise I would be happy and that I wouldn’t be dropping f-bombs when the time came. She seemed okay with that compromise.

I believe my midwife broke my water and released the Niagara Falls of amniotic fluid around 1:15. Like, seriously, WHOA. That was a LOT of water. If that had popped in a public place, I think I might have caused a mini tsunami. Clean up on aisle 8 would have required a lot more than a mop and a stock boy.

They monitored me for a few more minutes and then released me to head to the labor tub. I made a pit stop at the potty to pee since the minute my water broke the baby slid down my birth canal and planted herself firmly on my bladder. I peed, and peed, and then I couldn’t tell when I stopped peeing and just sat there for a few minutes wondering if what was coming out of me was still pee or amniotic fluid. I figured I’d probably broken the record for world’s longest pee at that point and should just go ahead and leak my way over to the labor tub. I remember looking up at the clock as I settled in. It was 1:30.

I spent about 10 minutes just chillin in my warm tub of water, chatting it up with my nurse, midwife and Scott. It was quite leisurely. The contractions were getting stronger, and I had to breathe through them, but at the beginning it really wasn’t bad. That all started to change really quickly, though.

Soon enough, the contractions got angry. It scared me a little how fast that happened. I could feel them in my legs, like on the top of my quads, which made the laid back position I’d taken in the tub not so comfy since I couldn’t stretch out completely. As each contraction approached, I cued everyone in the room in and we all got silent. Scott grabbed a bucket of ice and made some ice water to pat on my forehead with a wash cloth.  The water in the tub seemed to increase in temperature with each contraction. Soon I was needing to change positions.. but I was scared! I knew I wasn’t loving the position I was in, but what if I moved and found out that position was worse? I glanced at the clock again. It was 2:00.

And while all this was happening, the back and forth in my mind, the increasingly awful contractions, I began to question myself.

“You’re beginning to remember what it was really like, huh?” my midwife remarked.

Hell yeah, I was. Holy shit. I thought I remembered the pain, y’all. I actually feared I remembered it too much prior to going into labor, but THIS was not what I remembered… at least not until I was in the thick of it. THEN I *really* remembered. THEN those sensations that I buried deep within my cerebral cortex came back to me.

And it really scared me. And I asked Scott why I did this again. Why would I ever put myself through this again? Why would he let me? Asshole.

I didn’t think I could handle it, which was exactly how I felt during transition last time, but I had only been in active labor for 45 minutes at that point (active being when the contractions started to ramp up and get painful after my water was broken). This was way too soon to be in trasition already. Transition meant I would be pushing soon, and there was no way I’d be ready to push soon.

And so the mind fuck between the two sides in my head began.

“You can’t do this. It’s too much this time. You’re not even in transition. JUST WAIT until transition. Oh, you are so fucked. You should have done your relaxation exercises.. and your kegels.. and your pelvic rocks!”

“Shut the fuck up. You are FINE. You know why? Because THIS IS transition. Why? Because you think you can’t do it.”

“No. You just really CAN’T do it this time. This isn’t transition. You’ve only been in labor for 45 minute. How on earth could THIS already be transition. And remember pushing? Pushing is going to suck SO hard. SO. HARD.”

“OMG, you’re so right. I forgot about pushing. I DON’T WANT TO PUSH.”

While all this was going on, my midwife suggested I get up and lean over the side of the tub. I hesitated, but knew something had to change, and the only thing that *could* change was my position. I hung my head over the side of the tub and inhaled the fumes of the plastic while my face stuck to it. It started to make me sick… and I was increasingly warm. I knew I wouldn’t last like this long.

I began to feel a lot of pressure down low, but, to be honest, I really thought I was about to poop. I hadn’t had a chance to clean my system out that day. With Kendall, I got all that out of my system before we went to the hospital, but since I didn’t really experience labor up until my water breaking I knew I had plenty in there to dispel still. So… it was looking like we were going to need to use that fishnet we brought. Glorious.

At that moment, like my midwife was reading my mind, or I don’t know… maybe I farted? Maybe she smelled it? Maybe she saw bubbles? She gently suggested maybe, if I was feeling like the tub was too hot, I go ahead and get out and get on the bed, but first, why don’t I go sit on the toilet to see if I need to poop at all. I was, honestly, so relieved she suggested it so I didn’t have to announce to the whole room, “Hey, I think I might take a giant shit here in this tub. Someone please fetch the fish net.”

And so, because I was at the point in labor where one has completely lost every shred of modesty and dignity, I grabbed my husband’s arm and had him escort me to the toilet. For a split second I thought, perhaps, they would close the door and let me do my thing in private. Of course, I was wrong. So there I sat on the toilet, midwife, nurse and husband sitting around me, and I pooped. A big poop. I’m pretty sure it was a smelly poop.

I, the girl who rarely ever even farts in front of her husband (and this actually caused me much anxiety during my first pregnancy), took a giant shit on the toilet while the love of her life held her hand and looked on… and then he offered to wipe for me. Which I guess is a really loving gesture, but totally not one I was willing to take him up on. So, I guess I still had a teensy, tiny, Easter-grass-sized shred of dignity left.

And then something happened after I took this giant, smelly shit in the toilet… which still floated in there, yet to be flushed.

I felt the uncontrollable, unstoppable urge to push. And so I did. I pushed while sitting on top of the toilet filled with poop, like “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” style, like “I Delivered My Baby At Prom” style. And for a brief moment I looked over at my germaphobe husband and could see a look of terror flash through his eyes. OMG, was I about to have this baby in a toilet bowl full of shit?!

As soon as that horrific contraction passed, my nurse and midwife moved swiftly to move me to the bed. “Let’s have this baby!” they exclaimed.

Huh? What? Really? Already? I’M NOT READY TO PUSH!

But clearly, I was. I had no control over it. So I knew I had to move fast, lest I actually do have my baby in a toilet full of shit.

And so, at what I can best estimate was around 2:25-2:30, I got up on to the bed (not fully reclined on my back, more in a sitting up, reverse squat position). And I actually managed to not push for one mini contraction. I breathed through it and told everyone I wasn’t ready yet. I knew the pain was far from over, and I was scared.

But I gave myself a mini pep talk in my head. The only way out of this was through this. The only way to make the pain stop was to give in to the pain and get it over with. It was time to get down to business. It was time to have a baby.

As I felt the next contraction approach, I let everyone know I was ready. It took over me, I made scary noises, guttural noises, noises that didn’t even sound like they were coming from me. I pushed. And I pushed. And I pushed. And HOLYFUCKINGSHIT it hurt. According to my pep-squad, I was doing really well. They promised me she was “right there.”

I don’t know if I just don’t remember very clearly, but I want to say that pushing this time around was much more intense. MUCH more painful. I wanted to die, more than I wanted to while in transition. I pushed for 20 minutes with Kendall. I knew I wouldn’t last that long this time around. There was no way. This baby had to come out. NOW.

The next contraction was the longest I’ve ever experienced. Maybe not if clocked in actual real time. Maybe it was only a minute on a stop watch. But in my space-time continuom, at that moment, it lasted an hour. And I pushed the entire time. And the dialogue in my head went something like this:

“OMG,OMG,OMG YOU. ARE. GOING. TO. DIE. What is that sensation? I think you are ripping completely in half. I think your clitoris is about to pop off. You are going to have ONE HOLE down there when this is all over. GET IT OUT. GET IT OUT. GET IT OUT. BREATHE. BREATHE. BREATHE. Ring of fire. Ring of fire. RING OF FIRE IS LASTING FOREVER. GET IT OUT OF THE RING OF FIRE!!”

With one final mini push of that big, long, worst minute of my life contraction, her head came out. I was completely oblivious at the time, but apparently her cord was wound around her neck and she was blue. Scott said the midwife was quick as a flash and had it off of her in seconds. Then she told me I needed to push the shoulders out.

I STILL HAVE TO PUSH OUT MORE?! Is what my face was saying. Although my actual voice was just saying, “UGHHNNNGHHHRAWWWRRR”… I think.

I still felt like I had a mountain to climb. I was so lost in the moment that I didn’t realize once I pushed those shoulders out, I was done. I would have a baby. This would be over. I just braced myself and gave it all I had.

And just like that, she was here. My nurse told me to open my eyes, and at that moment they plopped her on my chest. Yes, all slimy and covered in goo. I didn’t care. She was out. She was… perfect, and we named her Leyna Lorelei Krause.

I recall thinking she was so squishy. I couldn’t see her face very well at first, but her body was ripe with chubby rolls. NO wonder it felt like giving birth to a jack-o-lantern. She was quite the round pumpkin. I barked at Scott to get the camera.

And suddenly it was all worth it. She was alert, she was healthy, the pain had passed (well, relatively speaking), and I knew I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way (except maybe I’d leave out the pooping in front of everyone part if I could do it all over). Time of birth- 2:38, about 2 hours after we checked into the hospital. About 1.5 hours after my midwife broke my water and my “active” labor started. It was a super intense, really painful 1.5 hours, but I’ll take it!

The damage? Oh, I was so convinced they were going to need to take me in for surgery to repair the carnage down there. Wouldn’t you know, though, that 9 lb 9 oz little girl, who I thought ripped me in half, only gave me one tiny 1st degree tear. According to my midwife, my pushes were “very controlled,” which is odd because I felt anything but controlled in the moment, but go body for knowing what to do, I guess.

Early on in this pregnancy, I worried quite a bit about where I should deliver and who I should deliver with. I was apprehensive about delivering at a hospital, but knew a birth center or home birth just wasn’t the right choice for me. I did my best to find a midwife who I felt would work with me to achieve a healthy, med-free birth (leaving the OB I started with at 20 weeks), and I wound up delivering at Baylor, Dallas. Let me tell you all, I could not be happier. I thought my hospital/midwife experience with Kendall was so great that surely I wouldn’t be so lucky to replicate it. I was wrong. I think my experience with my midwife and delivering at Baylor was actually even better.

I felt so supported 100% of the way. Not a single nurse balked at my med-free plan, never the word epidural was mentioned. The breastfeeding support after having Leyna was phenomenal. I was visited by 3 lactation consultants in a 24 hour period… just to see how things were going. It really renewed some of my faith in the system. You CAN have a healthy, med-free birth in a hospital, but you really have to do your research and work hard to find a provider and a hospital that you are 120% confident will support you. And you need to prepare. You have to educate yourself.

Despite how much I thought I’d want to stay in the hospital forever and ever before returning to the chaos of real life with a toddler, we left after only 24 hours. Why? Well, for one, I couldn’t get a damn wink of sleep there. And? I missed my little boy. A lot.

You might think this is the end of the story, but just like last time, there’s a lot left to tell still. Stay tuned for “the rest of the story, take 2.”

Kendall is 2 and 2/3 and Leyna is 7 days old

50 Things to Do Before You Deliver: The First Time Moms Pregnancy Guide
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  1. You HAVE to tell her that when she is older. I almost squeezed you out in a shitty toilet, bahahah! That’s epic awesomeness.

    Congrats on you new baby girl!!

  2. If I wasn’t pregnant, I’d be thinking “Holy hell, she had to POOP in front of her husband?” I, too, am one of those “never fart in front of hubby. EVER” people.

    But now that I’m due with baby 2 in March, I’m completely inspired (when TheFeministBreeder posted you gave birth in less than 2 hours, ask hubby how much I walked around calling you names while being simultaneously stunned and awed), and more than a little terrified. We’re also going the MW/hospital birth, and I have biiiig plans for a med free birth. Your internal war is now raging inside of me, and I’m sitting here, fat and comfy and contraction/dilation free, at 31 wks. 😛

    Congrats, though, she is absolutely gorgeous! And despite me having called you names last week, you seriously ROCK, Mama.

  3. This post was awesome! You took me through the emotions of wanting to have another kid back to the memories of the pushing hell, then back to wanting to have another kid again! Kudos to you for pushing through it and delivering your beautiful baby girl sans poopy toilet, of course! 😉 You now have me excited to read “the rest of the story”!

  4. Fabulous!! Well done! This has rapidly become my new favorite blog, and I love that you tell the truth without sugar coating it!

    When I had my son (who is just barely a month older than Kendall), he was a stat section. I remeber waiting on the anesthesiologist in the OR in a panic (as he finished a phone call in the corner -true story). I pushed the whole time, because, well, I had to or I think I might have died 🙂 I remember thinking, “this baby is going to shoot out of me like a bullet and hit the wall’, but yet I could NOT stop pushing.
    Labor thoughts are amusing afterwards, but it goes to show that the body is an amazing thing!

    Congratulations again, and thanks for posting this!

  5. Wow. You just explained the birth of my second son minus the vacuum I had and the bathroom but otherwise completely the same. Brilliant writing. I laughed and re-affirmed the same emotions. You explained it incredibly well. I also had my doula video tape- did you decide to do videos? Each time I watch it I can’t believe I did that.
    bravo. births might happen everyday but they still astound me with the strength of women. Each one is still a miracle. Each one is a war story. Each one deserves to be told, shared, celebrated, and congratulated. You were amazing. Good job.
    Congrats again on the beauty you now have to add to your little family.

  6. This is why I love you Jill – your writing is hilarious yet heartfelt, and touches so many. Congrats again to you and Scott and Kendall – let me know if/when you bring Leyna and the fam back down to Austin, we’d love to meet her (minus a full fledged Knottie GTG).

    I bow down to you for your med-free birth – personally, I loved my epidural and wouldn’t want it any other way (I was in active labor for about 3.5 hrs and pushed for 10 minutes, so in some ways I can relate), but you did it your way and were a champ and there is no way in hell I’d be able to pull it off and still look as gorgeous. 😉

  7. You brought me back to my labor and delivery experience! Except I caved in and got an epi at 9+ cm dilated. Because I truly thought I was going to die from the pain.

    Turns out you can’t die from pain, or so I’ve been told, so I’m going with midwives next time, also at hospital, so I’m glad to read about your successful pain-med free birth !

    With my daughter I was made fun of about 500 times from the time I walked into the hospital until I actually caved in, for trying to have a baby without pain meds, and was offered an epi about 50 times.

    After my OB broke my water for me I begged for one with tears in my eyes- probably resulting in several bets won by the nurses working that night who I’m sure had waged bets as to “how long the crazy first timer could go trying to do this all-natural”.

    Anyway, beautiful story, glad you didn’t deliver your baby in poop, and you inspired me to have my next baby the same way! God… What next baby? My daughter is only 5 months old… Anywho…

  8. I love that your birth story makes me laugh and tear up all at the same time. It also makes me a wee bit scared for labor, but I’ll worry about that in 2 more months.

    So glad you posted this. I needed a story with a happy ending today. Congratulations. You’re both beautiful.

  9. Good Gawd you are funny. tears running down my face here at my desk. I am so impressed with you for so many reasons. And also you look gorgeous in the pic – how did you manage that? Leyna is beautiful. Can’t wait for part 2.

  10. Great birth story! Can I ask where you delivered? I used a midwife at Baylor in Dallas was wondering if was the same one! congrats on the sweet baby girl!

  11. Great story! I completely LOL’d at the “GET IT OUT, GET IT OUT, GET IT OUT!” part… I actually screamed that at my nurse when I was having my second. The shoulders of an 11lb 0oz boy can be rather large! HAHA

    Congratulations again!

  12. What a great story! I know it seems unlikely that this was your goal, but something about this actually made me rethink my initial desire to not consider a VBAC!

  13. I absolutely love your honesty in your birth stories. What a special memory to have…congrats on Leyna, she is beautiful, as are you!

  14. CONGRATS mama! I was simultaneously crying from laughing and wincing as I think about my upcoming 2nd birth (5 weeks!) I’m also hoping to go med-free again and I don’t know if this post was a good warning or a scared the bejeezus out of me. A little of both, I think.

  15. Congratulations! Great birth story. Let’s face it, it wouldn’t be a real birth story (in my opinion) if it didn’t involve at least one or two things that you are mortified about.

  16. I have never laughed so hard. Or cried at the same time (when seeing those gorgeous pictures). I lost a baby in April after just ten weeks and we’ve been trying ever since. My 4-year-old still asks when she will have a little brother (as if I could just custom-order such a thing!). Congratulations, though, most heartfelt. It was a beautiful account – I hope to post my own again someday.

  17. Oh Jill, such a beautifully touching story! I’m so glad that you were able to have the exact birth experience that you wanted and that you had all the support that you needed to make that happen.

    Isn’t it “funny” about the tearing the second time? Carter was 9.5lbs and I had a 2nd degree tear. Brynn was 9.3lbs and NOTHING. Craziness. Like you, I thought I’d need surgery after that one! But not a single tear. Made the recovery of having 2 at home MUCH easier.

    Can’t wait to hear the rest of the story. xo

  18. I couldn’t believe it when I saw you were at a 7 and still walking around! Crazy!

    Also? I cried tears of joy and tears of laughter. For a second there I was TOTALLY expecting you to plop that baby out in the toilet.

    Thank the LORD that your midwife moved you because I was going to scream TOILET BABY, TOILET BABY!

    And Leyna is way too stunningly beautiful to be born in a toilet.

    Another thing? You ROCKED it. All these med-free births make me wonder if I could do it. I’m not sure I’ll ever get the chance but if I ever did I think I would give it my best shot.

    You’re an inspiration 🙂 Congrats on a wonderful (and fast) birth.

  19. I love it!! Thank you SO much for sharing all the sordid details 🙂 Natural birth is so awesome because it is funny and embarassing and miraculous all at once. Just makes it more exciting! I have heard great things about Baylor Dallas for natural birth, I know several women who have gone there and done med-free vaginal births. It’s where my birth center transfers to if there are complications. Good for them! Welcome, Leyna!! Great job, Jill!!

  20. This has got to be one of my favorite birth stories of ALL time! Your internal dialogue? It was like you were in my head. The fighting back and forth inside your own head just killed me. I was honestly laughing out loud, giggling away. Because it took me right back to my own deliveries. I did 2 med free, and I tell you, the things we think are so the same! Good job, Jill!

  21. I LOVE your story. I too got called names for having a quick labor (just less than 3 hours from spontaneous water break at home to birth) and found it hard to explain that while YES, I’m glad it was short, it was also (med free) VERY INTENSELY painful and unexpected and SUPER scary.

    You captured that very well. Congrats to you!

  22. I love it all,especially the part where you almost had your baby in a toilet full of shit. That was fandamntastic.

    So proud of you, you really are a rockstar.

  23. Congrats! I loved reading this. I had a med-free birth with my daughter amost 6 months ago and this really took me back to the day she was born.I also left my OB at 20 weeks and went with a midwife, it was the best decision I ever made! Thank you for posting this for all of us to read!

  24. Congratulations again! You’re brave and maybe a little bit crazy and Leyna is beautiful, just like her mama!
    I know I’m going to need to go the epidural route… just reading birth stories makes me feel like I’m going to faint… but I’m deeply grateful to you for sharing it.

    Looking forward to part 2. 🙂

  25. I love it! What an awesome birth story… you really are amazing. You put my med-free birth to a little 6lb.120z. baby to shame! 😉 Looking forward to “the rest of the story!”
    Beautiful photos, beautiful baby!!!

  26. OMG Jill! First of all you are a ROCKSTAR! And second, you write the BEST birth stories. Or should I say you have some truly wonderful birth experiences which you retell so beautifully that I feel like I was in the room. I read Kendall’s earlier this year and L’s was just as great! (And I so appreciate and admire your courage and strength. You are an amazing woman.) You are so candid and honest that even you have me literally on the edge of my seat envisioning it all unfold in front of me. I seriously heart your blog. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing with all of us.

  27. I remember being pregnant and wondering how was I going to know if my water broke. But boy, did I know. I remember being in shock that there was stil so much water running out of me and how warm and even nice it felt!

    I love reading your birth story because I am that weird women who loved everything about labor. I didn’t love my labor because it wasn’t exactly my plan, but I still loved it.

  28. What a wonderful story you’ve shared! I laughed out loud, literally, at the pooping/pushing part. My husband’s a germophobe, too.

    Many congratulations on the gorgeous girl!

  29. Well, that settles it. Instead of going to my birth class tonight, I’m driving directly to the hospital to have my vagina sewn shut. This baby is NEVER coming out. She can go to college in there for all I care.

  30. I had to pretend I was coughing and choking when the UPS guy came in and I was losing my shit over your hysterical “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” reference and the whole poopy toilet scenario. Thanks for ruining my mascara, Jill.

    I’m so glad you ended up happy with your birth experience and that you are home safe and happy with your little girl. Congrats to you and your family.

  31. I was laughing so loud through the poop part. I loved reading! I have quickly become a HUGE fan and already made my way through your archives!

    She is a gorgeous little girl and I LOVE the names you have picked out for both kiddos.


  32. I’m so glad you were able to give birth on your terms.
    Reading your post makes me wonder if I could do it drug free. Who am I kidding? I had a epi just a couple of hrs after being there and by the end, I was BEGGING for a C-section. You know your a wimp when your doctor, whome you’ve seen the last 9 months tells you that they were very surprised that you actually gave birth..lol.
    I’m also glad that you didn’t tear! I had 3rd degree tears with my first one. Gives me hope that maybe I won’t tear with any possible 2nd baby.
    Congrats to you and your family!

  33. Congratulations again on the birth of Leyna! Thank you for sharing your birth story. It’s fascinating to hear how things progressed this time around. I’m actually kind of scared about being pregnant again and really remembering the pain of labor. I was hoping to have it all forgotten by then, ha ha.

  34. She is so gorgeous!!! And what a beautiful birth story – even if it does include some embarrassment. I’m nervous about doing it again. But if you can go through that I suppose I can make it too. 🙂

  35. HOLY SHIT! Girl! You had me rolling! Kudos to you for pushing out a 9lb poz kid. My daughter was 9lb 5oz C-Sect. and I thought THAT was big! You are the shit! Speaking of shit, I am sure your hubby finds you just as sexy and attractive now as he did before he wiped your bum! ROTFL!!! (I am laughing WITH you not at you btw!) Many years of joy for you and your expanded family. Life will NEVER be the same! :o) Congrats Jill!

  36. Congrats to you!!! And no need to feel embarrassed about the pooping. I did much, much worse during my #2 labor (oh the joys of stomach flu +labor)…all it shows us is how much our hubbies love us no matter what. Sounds like it went well…I had a very similar pre-birth & labor experience with my #2. It’s amazing how much faster subsequent kiddos come out!

  37. Congrats!!!

    I had my son at Baylor Dallas. Wouldn’t consider having my daughter (currently in utero) anywhere else! Fantastic birth experience – wonderful, supportive staff.

  38. That was an AMAZING AMAZING birth story! I laughed, I cried (because I also remember the pain of two med-free labors). Congrats. Amazing 🙂

  39. Congrats! Giving birth is so amazing. And you are even more amazing for going naturally!

    I was reading this last night and started laughing so hard that I had to read it to my husband, and then I started crying because I realized this is going to be me in 2 months!

    Btw.. this is awful but with #1 I know that I did not push nearly as hard as I could have because I had to poop, I had a super botched epidural that made my right side totally numb so they wouldn’t let me out of bed to try to poo before pushing.

    And I can empathize, my biggest worry about labor with #2 baby is missing my 18 month old who will be at home with grandma:(

  40. OMG i am so gla dyou are a better writter then me because i could never have put it as well as you just did. This could have been my thoughts buring my natural birth in Nov of 2009. Thank you fo putting it so well.

    Oh yea and congrats on a beautiful baby girl. I am jealous of all the girly stuff you get to buy!

  41. Amazing! I had a fast birth, too (didn’t make it to the hospital), so I could totally identify with some of the thoughts you were having. it’s so hard for your mind to process what your body is doing when it goes SO FAST.
    Anyway, she is beautiful and you are amazing. 🙂

  42. OMG!! Practically pissed myself laughing here (which isn’t hard because after two kids I have very little bladder control). This is almost exactly like my second child’s birth story. And yeah, that stripping the membranes thing hurts like hell but sure works.

  43. So much of this sounds familiar to me. I remember that all I said to my midwife during the time I was pushing my second baby out was, “I don’t want to do this! I don’t like pushing! I realize I have no choice, but I remember this and I don’t like it!”

    Of course, now my second is almost 2 1/2 and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t that bad. 😉

    Congratulations on a fabulous birth, and welcome baby Leyna. She’s really, truly beautiful.

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  45. I just have to say, I laughed until I cried with this. Seriously. HILARIOUS. I totally felt the same way with my med-free delivery, although, thankfully, I didn’t poop.

    I was walking around at 6cms and 85% effaced when I checked in the hospital, STILL NOT IN ACTIVE LABOR. They broke my water at 9 am and I didn’t have my 8lb 2ozer until 11:10 PM. She was posterior though, and I had a ton of back-labor with her. She flipped to anterior when I started pushing on my hands and knees, and I never felt another contraction. I still felt like I was being ripped in half. And I still felt the ring of fire. But I didn’t feel contractions!

    Awesome post!

  46. What a great birth story! Gotta love pooping in front of the hubby. I had a water birth, and the fish net had to be utilized. Mortifying, but as you said, I hardly cared at the time. I am so glad you had a positive med-free experience in the hospital- not an easy feat!

    Congratulations on your (big!) beautiful girl!

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  48. OK, I laughed through this entire post, but I wanted to share… the part where you said “Because, uhm, I sure as hell am not doing this on the side of the road… or in my car… or in my bedroom… or any place in between”, well umm, my daughter was born in the car…. that I drove… husband in the passenger seat with a broken right ankle (hence the reason I was driving)… 9 year old and 23 month old in the back seat… in the valet driveway in front of the hospital entrance… yes, quite an experience! Stepped out of the car (tried anyway) and got that same feeling you had after you did your business on the toilet. One push, her head was out. My husband had to finish delivering her, and asked if he should just pull her out. ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME?!

  49. hahAHAHahahaha! You had me ROLLING this entire post. Tears, TEARS were coming out of my eyes! So funny!

    I went with Midwives for my 1st pregnancy and hope to do so again for my second. My labor, from first timed contraction to delivery was 24 hours. My water broke at home and I had a god 19 hours of labor before I succumbed to the pain. I was so upset with myself for giving in to the epidural, but it’s made me more determined to do it w/o the next time around. This post certainly will help lift my spirits as well. It’s good to know that someone else fights with, themselves basically, during labor.

    But anyway, I LOVED your story! Thanks so much for sharing!

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  51. I just discovered your blog and love it! I gave birth to my little one at Baylor Dallas with a midwife on Dec. 6th. Cecily is the only midwife I know of that delivers there…maybe we had the same one!

  52. My first was 9lbs 13 oz, hospital birth with epidural. I mainly went with the epidural because my nurse got tired of me puking on her and pressured me into it by saying I had so much time left to be in labor (turns out, not true.) and not letting me get up off my back. My second, born 2/18/12 was a hospital birth, natural with waterbirth. My midwife suggested a waterbirth because of my horrible back labor but told me that I could get out if I wanted to and that I could change my positions into whatever I wanted. My midwife and hospital was amazing. And my second birth was completely different (positively) from the first. I joked and chatted with my nurses, midwife, and husband the entire time..up until I felt like pushing. I gave birth on my knees with my head and shoulders against the birthing pool. I started pushing when I was still dilated at a 6. Funniest story ever..my midwife didn’t think I was progressing that fast so she decided she would go to the bathroom. I had dozed off (just like I did with my first) and sleepily grumbled when she told me she was going pee. maybe 3 minutes later I shot up, looked at my husband and said, “F%*#! He’s coming.” and proceeded to push his head out. My midwife heard me and came skidding out of the bathroom with her pants half down and about fell into the tub getting to me. My husband is laughing and pulling her pants up for her and trying to keep her from going into my birthing soup. She barely got her glove on before he slid the rest of the way out. I didn’t even grunt lol. The only complaint I had was that the hospital did not allow me to deliver the afterbirth in the tub. So..My limp noodle self had to stand and step out of the tub. (Mind you, I’m 6′ tall and about 230 lbs and my midwife and nurse were only 5′ and maybe a 120 lbs each) and deliver it in the bed. Ew. The nurse was being shadowed by a student nurse and she was completely shocked at how calm and well, nice I was while pushing out a baby. haha..hell, so was I. With my first I f-bombed my way through it. With my second, I said it once when I told them he was coming and pushed him out.
    Best birth ever and I will totally go med free and water birth next time.

  53. I realize this birth story is about a year and a half old, but I just happened upon it today and I have to say….I was laughing SO MUCH reading this!!! You are hilarious, and I love that you were able to find the humorous stuff in an otherwise painful situation. I will be a new follower now 🙂

  54. You go girl! What a great birth story! I’m amazed you tore so little with such a big girl. I tore bad with both of mine and my biggest was only 7 lbs 7 oz. With my first I only labored in the water for about an hour, DIDN’T want to get out, but they made me since this was in a non-water-birth friendly hospital. With my second I had a water birth, I just love laboring in the water, it was so much easier than land for me, like night and day. It was relatively relaxing… Until of course that last PUSH-THAT-BABY-OUT-NOW! phase lol 🙂

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