Stay At Home Mom Guilt

I completely understand where you are coming from and why you feel this way. I have many days where I feel like I’m a total failure and question whether or not I’m really cut out to do this. I always think that other moms have it all together…a lot more than I do.
From the comments I see above,it looks like a lot of us feel this way and if anything I think it really helps us to be honest with one another about it..even though these are all things that we don’t really like to admit or talk about.
Also, you are a good mom ! I think you are doing a great job with Kendall and you’re going to continue to do a great job with the baby !

I could have written this.

I wish I was the type of mom that was ok with splashing in the dog bowl after I just cleaned the floors. Because it’s “fun” for her. I wish I was the type of wife/mom/woman that was always on the move cleaning this or that while also playing peak-a-boo. I wish that I had a better imagination, more motivation, more something.

Yeah, I totally could have written this post.

I think we all feel that way sometimes. I’ve been a working mom and you know what? I DID like it. I was good at what I did. And what I did? It stayed done.

Staying at home is a sacrifice, a big one that gets lost in the shuffle of everyday. Staying at home is HARD. Full time mothering a toddler is HARD. It’s hard work and you don’t even get a paycheck to show for it.

But the rewards are reaped later, in the future. Even if the outside world doesn’t notice, doesn’t care, your baby knows and cares. And it does make a difference.

That said, it sounds like maybe you need an outlet, something for YOU. Have you thought about doing some freelance work – selling on Etsy, writing, posting stock images, whatever is your particular talent? Yes, it’s work, but you can fit it in when it’s convenient and it’s something FOR YOU. Productive. Income producing.

Thank you for keeping it real. I read the mommy blogs who make it sounds like every moment is sheer rainbow bliss and I feel guilty because some days, my favorite part is naptime. Because sometimes I am jealous my husband gets to drive to work (imagine the possibilties! stopping at a store on the way, listening to the radio and not kid music CDs, getting a space of time to zone out). I am grateful to SAH but it’s not possible to be blissed out constantly.

I thought a lot of these same things when I was off on mat leave. I felt like a crappy SAHM but then we got into a routine and it did help a bit. I focused on one area of the house and kept that clean. What a difference it made for me. Yah the bedroom was a disaster but at least our family room and kitchen were clean!

Being a working mom now is challenging too. There is still that guilt there and at first I questioned if I had made the right decision. My friend put it in such a way that made me so comfortable with my choice. For me to stay home with B I would have to go and get an ECE. Because I know I wouldn’t be the type to be having educational stuff planned every day. So at least with daycare I know he is getting some enrichment that I wouldn’t have been able to provide.

I don’t think there ever really is a right answer Jill. No matter what we pick we will always wonder if the other option would have been better. Hang in there! You do an amazing job with K! Who cares if the dishes don’t get done!!

Have you read “Committed” by Elizabeth Gilbert? (B/c I know you have so much free time to read these days…)

Anyways, there is a chapter dedicated to ‘Women and Children,’ and in summary, she was able to conclude (through much research) that children with a stay-home-mom greatly benefit from the experience, but the mom does not. She ultimately sacrifices herself, her identity, her time, and in some cases, her education for the sake of her kids…and doesn’t get much out of it personally.

It actually made me feel a lot better when I read it, since I was having the same issue you are – “am I cut out for this?” I felt guilt for not enjoying scrubbing the floors or doing laundry for the 10th time that day while being told by my family, friends, society, and especially other women how “lucky” I was to get to stay home. Lucky? Really? Because I kind of feel like…a slave. A very poorly paid slave.

It’s a tough issue, anyway you slice it. But just know that it’s okay to not like staying at home sometime. Or most times. Or all the time. 🙂 I do it because I keep telling myself 1.) he’s going to have to go to school eventually and 2.) if we can swing it, me being at home really is in his best interest.

I could have written this. Many times over in the past 4 or 5 months. It’s not just you. I don’t think any advice I can give will solve anything. But I think you should consider this. This is an INTERNAL struggle. When I feel like I’m not getting enough done, I tell my husband and complain and he looks at our daughter and says: “She’s alive. She’s happy and fed. That’s all I care about. Besides that, she’s learning and growing in all the ways I could never imagine. You’re doing fine.”

See, he’s more envious of me than I am of him. Internally, he wishes he could stay home. I wish we could BOTH stay home. Boy that would be a lot easier. BUT– and it’s a big but– it’s an internal struggle. You have to just let some things go.

I completely understand. I stayed at home for 2 years with my son and it just wasn’t for me. I went back to work and LOVE it. I am a teacher of 6th graders so while Im around kids all day still, they are older and potty trained kids that can easily tell me what they need instead of whining and pointing. Its also great b/c I get all summer off with my boys and 2 weeks off for christmas and a week off for thanksgiving. To me I have the best of both worlds and I am VERY thankful for that. (still no going out to lunch or starbucks sans kids though)

This might not be the kind of response you want, but when I read this I found myself being really thankful that I was reading it at work. While sipping tea, uninterrupted. At home, I would have been trying to fly through it while the baby napped or while feeding her breakfast.

I just don’t think I’m cut out to be a stay at home mom. I have to work to afford things like our mortgage and food. But, while it might sound selfish to some, when I’m honest I admit that I like the extra income as much as I like the fact that I get to leave my house in cute shoes. (In full disclosure – it helps that the extra income pays for someone else to clean.)

I’m not saying you (or any stay at home mom) should run out and get a job. There are certainly benefits to being home with your kids every day. Big benefits like not missing milestones, being their constant caregiver, etc. But working, is what works for me and yours is one of the first posts that doesn’t make staying at home sound like puppies and sunshine, so thanks! 🙂

Since you wrote this a few days ago, I hope you’re having a better day now!

Jill, it was so good for me to read this.

For the past few weeks, I’ve spent (wasted?) many, many hours fervently wishing I could spend more time at home, less time at work. (In fact, at church on Sunday I avoided even making eye contact with a friend b/c I was so consumed with jealousy and bitterness for her part-time work gig. Not my best moment.)

I tell myself, “If I were staying home I would cloth diaper, and make baby food, and go to the local moms group, etc etc etc.” I worry that my 4.5 mo. daughter will forget who I am. I worry that she won’t understand how much I love her.

But, until my husband is able to find a job, I’ll be a full-time, work outside the home mom.

Thanks so much for helping me not idealize staying home, and for giving me a realistic glimpse of what that would be like. I really needed it this weekend.

I feel most guilty on days when the sun is shining and my daughter and I are frolicking in the garden. Those days I don’t hate being a stay at home mum though. I feel a little guilty, but mainly smug.

Winter is on its way here in London now though, so maybe I’ll be tearing my hair out soon, especially as the world’s naughtiest nine month old is about to be joined by her adopted six month old sister (please god let her sister be less of a tearaway).

Just got pointed to your blog via twitter as I’m SO BORED of reading really shit Mummy Blogs. I was told yours was an exception. I concur. Thank you for having a way with words and a sense of humour.

p.s. on a serious note, you are doing the most important job in the world and when you are old and grey you’ll never regret not having been to the office every day but you might have regretted not seeing your kids’ first steps etc.

Aw bless. I have had a day full of thoughts like that, wondering if I would be happier if I had a job and could buy new clothes and could afford to get people in to get our house fixed up quicker. And I know what you mean about the guilt, that it’s my fault we’re in this state because I chose to be a SAHM.

I feel for you being 6 months pregnant though with a son just a little older than mine! (Wish I was pg too lol) xxx

Pooky pointed me at your blog, and I’m so glad she did.

I think we will always feel guilt, no matter which option we chose, or end up having to do.

I’m a single,SAHM and I feel guilt when all our friends are talking about the holidays and trips away, and for us a treat is a day out. But then I look at the jobs that’d fit around childcare, they suck for rubbish money.

But more importantly, I look at her when even if it’s been a rough day, she climbs onto me (often my head, squishing hard), smiles and says ‘mummum’ and I wouldn’t swap it.

You do the best you can with what you have at your disposal, be proud of the mum you are x

It sounds to me that, despite your despondency, you know what you need to do. Staying at home all day is a very special experience; it seems as if, on the one hand, you have only a few things to do, and all the time in the world to do them; then, on the other hand, it’s as if there is a mountain of things to do with no time to do it all.

Ignore the paralysis of this despondency. Running a household is like trying to be a better spouse; if you try to make it all happen at once, you will fail and quit. Pick one or two things to accomplish each day, and do them. Provide a structured daily schedule for yourself, something like chores in the morning and fun in the afternoon. Try teaching the kiddo a thing or two, whenever you feel up to it. (It’s never too early to start, right?) And lastly, get out of the house frequently. Money may be too tight for a Mommy’s Day Out, but you can take the kiddo for a walk in the nearest park, or something like that. A change of scenery can really change hearts.

And definitely, without fail, enumerate all the things you’re thankful for. Spending time just watching your child can help there. If you’re too busy counting your blessings to focus on what you wish you had, your day will start and end with a smile. Focus on today, and what you can do with that time.

Take heart. Stay at home dads (like me!) have to deal with the same stuff, and it’s not easy. It is, however, rewarding, like most things that are difficult.

But you’re a smart gal, and probably know all this already. So smile!

-CK

Ahh the ups and downs of being a SAHM. On the one hand you get to spend your days with someone you love immensely but on the other hand you lose a bit of yourself because you are so focused on that other person. Whenever I get in a funk like this I try to think of the downsides to working, like not being able to experience firsts and missing my baby like crazy or knowing that someone else is with her when she’s in her best mood. I feel like part of motherhood is a “grass is always greener on the other side” thought process. Working seems like a great way to get a mental break, to feel competent at something other than wiping a baby’s butt, to feel accomplished, and to feel appreciated. But talk to a working mother and you hear about her wishing she could be home more. Obviously, this doesn’t apply to everyone. My point is there are pros and cons to both situations and it’s really hard to find the right solution, the right balance.

Maybe volunteering or even working part-time will help you gain clarity and help you see what would really make you happy. Because at the end of the day, if you aren’t happy no one around you will be happy. You already know that.

Sister, you said it and said it well! The good news is that the kids eventually go to school and the stay-at-home thing becomes a hell of lot easier…at least till they return home!

Oh man, I could have written this post. I am a SAHM by default right now. After being laid off when I was 3 months pregnant, I was unable to find another job (who’s gonna hire a pregnant lady?) and now lack the motivation to find a job — plus I’d have to make significantly more money than I was making before in order to afford daycare. If we’re going to be pinching pennies no matter what, why not at least be at home with my son?

But I feel guilty ALL. THE. TIME. I feel guilty for feeling like I’m not pulling my weight. I feel guilty that my house is never spotless. I feel guilty that we’re always worried about what we’re spending. I feel guilty that I can’t buy freakin’ name brand pizza from the grocery store because our grocery budget is so tight. I feel guilty that I get to be with my son and my husband doesn’t. I feel guilty that, despite the fact that he always said we’d have to be a two income family, right now it’s his paycheck and my measly unemployment check that are supporting us.

I spend my nights awake anxiously thinking about how I can pull in an income at home. Of course, with an infant around all the time, getting any actual work done is a tricky bitch.

Anyway, I guess what all this rambling is saying is that I totally understand where you’re coming from. You’re not alone in your thoughts. I think every mom, no matter her situation, feels guilty and frustrated.

I cannot even tell you how perfectly timed your post was. I have a one-year-old, Adeline, and I work 45-50 hours a week. Since the day my maternity leave ended, I have struggled with my choice to not stay home with her. Your words made me realize just how challenging staying at home can be – that it’s probably harder than the job I go to every day. Thank you for sharing an honest perspective on what it’s like to be the one raising your child 24/7.

Wow, I feel like I could have written this article. I got pregnant right after finishing my undergraduate degree, and I’ve always felt guilty about not re-entering the workforce. I love spending time with my daughter, but I also hate that I can’t afford to let her take special classes or take her on vacation. She’s only 17 months old, but I want her to have a really amazing life.

My biggest fear is that I won’t be able to find a job once she goes to school. We are only having one child because we want to be able to save for her college education. These decisions are so very difficult. It’s nice to know that other folks are in the same boat.

I came to this site for work purposes…I’m a WAHM, and the little one is down for the count (or so I hope). Man am I glad this was on the list of things to do…check out your site that is…because I so needed to read this blog!

This is me, me me me me me me me…ME! I am NOT alone! But what do you do to move forward from this guilt??? AHHHHHH!

Thanks for giving me hope, and to know that I AM NOT ALONE in this MOMMMMMMMMM MAMAMAMAMAMA world we are living!

Wow, I really appreciate your post. I am a mom with a full-time job and really struggle with the fact that I have to work so we can pay off debt (no hiring housekeepers here). As an earlier commenter said, you help show that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I see that you posted this several months ago–hope things are better for you.

I love you! I googled mom guilt because I have been feeling like the worlds worst parent. I’m a stay at home to a 3 yr old, and 1 yr old twins and I feel like I am going crazy. I’m not that cool, funny mom I thought I would be when I stopped working to stay at home with the babies. I thought I would do art projects everyday…park, museum, Disneyland trips. I don’t. Lately I have had a very short temper, and I am very stressed.
I yell at my kids. I know i should gently tell my babies not to throw food on the floor, or to keep the full cups of water in the bath, or to stop taking their shoes off before we leave the house, but I don’t. We are on a very strict budget, and I too feel like that is my fault…I thought I would enjoy this stay at home mom thing a lot more than I do.
Thank you for your honesty!

Well, I too googled stay at home mom guilt bc I have also been feeling guilty alot too. So much in fact that I recently started seeing a therapist. I feel like I would feel guilty whether I stayed at home or went to work-actually, staying at home is for sure less guilt, which is why I do it. I love my baby girl (who is 2) more than anything, but I am also a SAHM by default, not choice.

I have a chronic auto immune disease that made it so difficult for me to work after she was born that I had to resign-and no, I don’t draw any disablity, etc. I do constantly feel like I should be playing with her more, teaching her more, going and doing more things with her and the biggest guilt of all is that she has no playmates. Living in a remote area, all of her cousins are older…I was the youngest of 4 children and had constant playmates. I feel sorry for her and think she would be better off at daycare, which would also allow me to contribute financially to my family-but then I can’t bear to leave her.

She will begin to join things like dance in August, and she will eventually have playmates from church, etc. so that will be alleviated…and I know when she goes to preschool in 2 years, I will return to work. I just don’t think our generation of women are cut from the June Cleaver cloth-we’re surrounded by other women who appear to be doing it all, while we’re “only” taking care of the home and family. If nothing else, it might help to remember that this time is so temporary. Feel better!

All the things I worry about if I stay home – you are it embodied – and I don’t mean that in a bad way! I am on maternity leave finishing my last 2 weeks, and I feel guilty going back to work, but I feel guilty thinking about how I plan to quit in a year too!

But I hope this helps make it better – look at the working side of this equation: I hate myself because my son may not be able to attach properly to to me because I am going to be working (part time for the first 6 months, then full time). I probably will not be as attentive to my job pumping my boobs every 3 hours – it’s like I’m mooching just being there. My son will grow up with his mother in law for that year, and then may be dumped at daycare – unless I quit – and then I will be you! My mother in law cleans and it makes me feel guilty not cleaning my own house – it’s like I’m no longer the woman here. Am I being materialistic trading in precious time I will never get back just so we can have a nice minivan and a house eventually and college educations? Is that Panera sandwich – hair color or what not worth his first smile? Will my son’s first words be gramda or “maw-maw” instead of mommy? Will I always have to share my house with a stranger who acts in the capacity I can’t – as a mother to my children – something I dearly want to be? Will I always be depressed and anxious because I work and am exhausted at the end of the day / too obsessed with my job to have quality time for my children?

You are exactly how I would be if I stay home. There is no winning is there?

Been feeling the exact same way lately, but I’ve been working 4-5 days a week the last couple weeks instead of what used to be 3 so what I found most frustrating is actually even more frustrating after working all day and coming home to deal with the same stuff. (My four kids get watched at our house while Im at work so they have all day to destroy it and I dont expect anyone to clean up after them like I would.)

Thanks for the candid blog! Not a mom yet, and It’s nice to know what trials I’m in for.

Wow. Did I write this? I feel EXACTLY the same way. But I’m not pregnant. I seriously needed to read this. Thank you.

I totally feel this way. My DS is 15 months old and I have always worked including after he was born, my mother looked after him. Now we have moved abroad (a move I really wanted so that we could have our own space). I don’t mind the cooking and the cleaning but I find it really challenging to keep my son entertained and making sure we are doing stimulating things. On top of that I feel like I have no life and want to be careful about spending since we are on a single income with high rent. I do think sending him to a daycare or nursery will help him grow and be able to socialize with other kids so I may do that at 18 months unless I get a job before that then it will be full time daycare as itis.

I feel exactly the same. Why do we feel this way? How can we make it better??