I really haven’t thought much about what life will *really* be like with another newborn in the house. I mean, I’ve fantasized, perhaps. I’ve envisioned the tiny clothes and the cute pictures I can take of Kendall and his new brother/sister. I’ve thought about how I might want to decorate the nursery and about the baby gear I need to stock up on.
What I haven’t really let my mind settle on, though, is all those things that I did a really good job of erasing from my memory last time, like the flush and sweat that came over me when my baby woke from a nap in the farthest aisle at the back of Target, while I was grabbing something like Tucks hemorrhoid pads and a can of Dermaplast, and began screaming his head off, not to be soothed by any shushing or jiggling of the infant seat, and drawing all eyes on me as I waddled (as quickly as I could considering the still healing stitches and enormous pad between my legs) to the front of the store to purchase only 2 of the 15 things on my super important shopping list.
Or the meltdowns that came after 8 hours of what seemed to be non-stop crying/eating/crying again. Me laying on the bed next to him, begging, pleading, cursing at 3 in the morning to please, Oh MY God, please just sleep. Like that one time that I snapped and yelled at my 2 week old to “just SHUT UP!” and then left the room bawling my eyes out, thinking that I’ve already lost the battle of motherhood and that at this rate I’ll lose custody of him by the time he’s 1.
Or the cruel joke that is a soundly sleeping newborn and my inability to enjoy it because of my anxiety and need to check his breathing every 5 minutes. The way I’d jolt from my bed any time he made a strange gurgling exhale while sleeping to check to make sure that wasn’t his last breath. The way I’d jolt from my bed anytime he slept more than 2 hours between feedings, heart racing, yanking him out of bed and startling him from a deep sleep, only to curse myself for ruining a perfectly good long stretch of rest.
I like to tell myself I’ll be less neurotic this time around, less anxious, but I honestly don’t know if that will be the case. I still check on Kendall at least twice before I go to bed, and the mornings I don’t hear him stir on the monitor by 7:30, I have to stifle the urge to run to check on him, rarely able to drift back off and enjoy the extra sleep.
Thinking about it all just exhausts me again. How on earth am I going to have the energy to be this way with TWO kids? And sleep? Oh, I’m going to miss sleep. After all the hardships we endured through the days and the nights mixed up, the colic, the frequent night feedings, we are at a GLORIOUS place with sleep now. I almost hate to tell people that my 2 year old sleeps 10 hours a night and then another 3 during the day. I always follow it up by telling them how sleep challenged we were the first 9 months of his life in an effort to save myself from the knives they probably want to throw at me. I hate to think about hitting the restart button, or even worse, the challenge of getting 2 kids to nap at the same time. Moms of two, give it to me straight. I need to be prepared. How do you do it?
Kendall is 2 (and still in my custody) and I’m just about 17 weeks pregnant.
P.S. Today is the LAST DAY to vote for me for the Social Luxe Blog Luxe awards. I would really, really appreciate your vote if you think I’m deserving 🙂 Baby Rabies is up for Funniest and Blog I’ve Learned the Most From. Go here to vote, even if you already have. You can vote once a day. Thank you so much!!