Let me paint you a picture of my life right now. I’ll hit you up with all five senses.
You can’t see the bottom of our closet through the massive mound of dirty clothes (and honestly, some of them aren’t dirty, but they’ve gone so long without getting put away that we just tossed them back in the pile), Kendall’s laundry is piled in the hall next to the laundry room, waiting for it’s turn after the pee-soaked towels are done in the wash. There are dishes stacked in the sink, my kitchen floor has visible foot prints. I am suddenly disgusted by the amount of dog drool stuck to the walls and the baseboards should be burned.
It sounds like screaming, and whining, and Diego, and a washing machine running, and a white noise machine on the in the background that I always forget to turn off after I get my terrorist toddler out of bed in the morning. It sounds like “Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, UH OH!” and like “It’s NOT an uh oh if you do it on PURPOSE”. It sounds like a giant dog pissing on my carpet AGAIN.
It feels like a grimy table that’s next to impossible to get all the stuck on granola cereal cleaned off of. It feels like sticky tile floors. It feels like stepping in a wet puddle of pee and wondering if it’s from the boy or the dog.
It tastes like coffee, a lot of it… and then later it tastes like wine. It tastes like omelets for lunch AGAIN because I know he’ll eat eggs. It tastes like chips, secretly consumed when the kid’s not looking.
It smells like pee. It’s inescapable. It also smells like I need to vacuum AGAIN. It smells like vinegar and water cleaning solution. It smells like baking soda where I’ve tried to soak up the pee. It still smells mostly like pee.
Today I’m not holding it all together very well. Today I’m frustrated and annoyed and overcome with guilt. Today I want nothing more than a break from my son. I want the whining and the screaming and the tantrums and the turning to jelly so that I can’t possibly gracefully pick him up from the floor of the bounce house and take him home to stop. I want it to be someone else’s problem for just a little bit. I want to come home to a house that is clean and will FUCKING STAY THAT WAY. Counter to what you may think of my housekeeping skills based on the description above, I do actually clean. A. LOT. I want my dog, my nearly 7 year old dog who has had diabetes since he was 5 months old, requiring 2 shots of insulin a day, to get his damn blood sugar under control and to stop PEEING IN MY HOUSE. I want to leave this place and go on a vacation.
Today I’m guilty. I’m drowning in guilt. It’s washing over me and beating me against a rock wall. I don’t know what’s wrong with my nearly 2 year old kid. It could be that he’s nearly 2, or it could be that he’s not feeling well. I thought about making an appointment at the pediatrician, but I really have nothing to base it off of (no fever, no runny nose, no cough, no rash) other than him seeming completely and utterly bipolar for the last week. I want to have more patience with him. I envision myself being more loving, more kind, less frustrated. I hate that I get frustrated. I HATE THAT I WANT A BREAK.
I feel guilty for not caring more about my sweet, loving English Mastiff Bruno. I mean, I do care, but it’s hard to remind myself that he can’t help peeing all over the place when his blood sugar is at 400 for the 3rd day in a row. We left the dogs over the weekend with a dog sitter checking in on them twice a day. With his blood sugar being so high, he couldn’t make it the 12 hours between visits to potty outside. We came home to a house that smells like a kennel. The dog sitter did a great job cleaning it up, but this place isn’t going to be the same until we clean the carpets. I hate that I’m so irritated by this.
It took nearly an hour and a half to finally get out of the house this morning and head to the gym. You know, the gym that watches my kid for 2 hours? Yeah, Kendall doesn’t like the child care center. He’s been three times now and each time he sits by the door cries or whimpers the entire time we’re working out. (It doesn’t help that the last time I came to pick him up I found him playing with a file drawer and grabbing a stapler. The staff, at least the times we’ve been so far, seem apathetic and it’s starting to piss me off.) He started screaming the minute we pulled into the packed parking lot, just moments after I realized I forgot my headphones. Enough. It was enough to just say eff it. I got a coffee at a nearby drive through and headed to the bounce house. It was, of course, storming and pouring the whole time. Once there, 5 minutes of happy followed by incessant request for “nacks”, followed by inevitable meltdown.
Finally home, I fed the kid, what else, some form of eggs with cheese and veggies. While getting him ready for his nap, I made the strangest, most mind boggling discovery. I took his shoe off and noticed his sock was wet. The other one was, too, but just a tiny bit. Hmm… I thought it was probably the rain, although I figured it was weird that he didn’t seem to get wet anywhere else while we were out. I smelled the sock (like a reflex, I now smell all fluids since becoming a parent). It was soaked in PISS. The diaper? Dry. The shorts? Dry. The right shoe? Most definitely smelled like piss, too.
My dog peed on my kid.
::hands thrown in the air::
I’m done. I need a vacation. I need to go somewhere far, far away from diapers and dog piss. I want to go somewhere where the only fluid I’m smelling is wine.
Yesterday I planned to blog all about my many ideas for a vacation and ask for your opinions. Unfortunately, I just spent all my blogging time breaking down over pee.
I’ll try to get it together for the vacation post tomorrow.
Kendall is 22 months old, and I love him, I really, really, really do. More than anything. And I’m so grateful that he’s healthy and that he’s so amazing. And I hate that I want I break, that I even think about wanting a break. I hate it.
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58 comments
Well minus the dog piss your at my house this week. Sucks. Running away sounds really good.
For what it’s worth my little guy is nearly 24 months and he’s a moody as a pre-teen girl. It does get better…eventually. Until then always make sure there is wine for after bedtime.
There is always wine! Here’s hoping both our boys get their mood swings in check soon. Hang in there.
Aw, I know that feeling. The days that nothing seems clean enough, the baby doesn’t seem happy with ANYTHING, and I just want a break inevitably lead to me crying to my husband when he gets home about what a bad mom I must be to want a break.
Hang in there!
I believe my exact words to my husband on the phone earlier were, “I suck at this job.”
Oh mama!! I wrote a post just like this one (although you do it so much better than I do) just last week. http://www.ourlifeupstate.com/2010/03/overwhelmed.html And I feel horribly guilty about those days too. I mean I get that it is normal and all but these are my kids and I am just drowning sometimes. What I would give for an hour a day to exercise and get away from it all. What I would give for a few days off – by myself without being pulled in so many directions. Sigh! All I can tell you is you are not alone – there is LOTS of company on this one.
Thanks so much for sharing. You are such an inspiration.
Don’t feel guilty. It’s totally normal to need, even WANT a break. I have a 6 month old boy and I just went to a wedding for 1 night totally ALONE. It was amazing…36 hours of pure me time. no husband, no baby, no dog piss (yes, I have it too, except my dog pisses in the baby’s room…and poops too. fucker.) Get out for a night even, you’ll feel better.
I will journey with you to the Land of No Toddlers and Wine. Lately, I’ve felt the EXACT same way. Thankfully, Sesame Street exists for those tough mornings.
Oh hon, I am SOOOOOO right there with you. Different problems, different house, different kid … but yeah, somehow I’m pretty sure we’re the same person.
Hang in there.
Omgosh this is my first time reading your blog (my first week having a blog actually) and I love you. In a sick and thank god my kid’s not the only crazy one and I’m glad this happens to someone else way, I love you!
Try not to feel guilty, because you don’t need to be. Honestly, I think kids need a break from their parents too.
It’s easy to lose yourself sometimes and you just need to be you for a bit. I’m excited and insanely jealous of you that you’re going on vacation!!! Good for YOU!!!
Thanks, Grace. Yeah, I think he probably wants a break from me, too. That’s a good point. I’d want a break from me at this point. Good luck with the blog!
Awww, Jill. I wish you didn’t feel so guilty. I think all moms feel like that. I certainly would. And I feel you on all the pee. We have a carpet shampooer, and you can use it if you’d like. It’s a God-send, especially since our dog pees all over the floor too, except without all those pesky REASONS FOR IT.
Also, I know you’re into the green cleaning stuff, and I’m not sure what’s in this (I’m guessing all kinds of harmful chemicals, since it works so darn well), but Folex is AMAZING. Totally takes out pee stains. I haven’t found anything else that does.
We’re going to rent a Rug Doctor this weekend, then I think we might get a small portable shampooer for spot treatments, especially with potty training coming up. Thanks for the offer, though! I’ll look into the Folex.
Get a Little Green Machine… seriously a lifesaver for kid/dog accident spots… plus it works great on car upholstery, too!
Its ok to want a break. Your job is being a full-time mother, and everyone needs a break from their job!!!!!!
dude. wine and snuggies yo.
I HEAR YOU. i have sat down three times this week to blog about how i DON’T WANT TO DO THE DISHES AGAIN, I JUST FUCKING DID THEM and OMG IF THAT CAT BARFS ONE MORE TIME I’M GOING TO MURDER IT.
on monday i had my mom take H and i drank wine and sat in a scalding hot bath. it felt weird at first to not have her there and i felt guilty the second my mom left with her. BUT it was exactly what i needed. can you find a few hours to yourself? i mean YOURSELF.
hang in there mama. and know that many of use know exactly what you’re feeling. exactly.
xoxo
Ohhh I’m so sorry. Honestly it does sound alot like my house, including the dog pee. Although, my dog doesn’t have a medical condition to blame, he’s just neurotic. Guess that could be a medical condition, huh? I have a 3 year old drama queen daughter and an 18 month old terror of a son. My 11 year old son is an angel…ok, not really, but at least I don’t have to deal with his bodily functions or fluids.
I’ve actually used Tide Stain Release (the powdered one) in my carpet scrubber to get rid of the stains and odor…it works. Most times I just do the vinegar water thing.
I was about to lose my mind, being that the dog insisted on pissing in the kid’s room – so we actually went to Walmart, bought 7 packs of the Gold’s Gym Interlocking rubber mat things – I guess you’re supposed to use them in your workout room? Anyways – they’re waterproof – they’re soft – they’re washable and replaceable – and they’re cheap (less than 1$ a sq.ft). So yeah, we ripped the carpet out the kids room and put down those things wall-to-wall. They’re gray, but you really can’t see much floor under all the stuffed animals and baby dolls! And now, regardless of if the dog or the boy pees on the floor – it’s a quick and easy cleanup! And my 18 month old loves helping swiffer it!
But still dealing with all the other drama – makes me so frustrated some days. Gotta love them, but I’m sooo with you – I need a serious vacation… Don’t feel bad or hate it, we all need our ‘me time’!
just wanted to stop by and say that with that level of pee & tantrums you’d be crazy NOT to be @ the end of your rope! try, try, try to at least let the feeling of guilt go, and then move on from there. you are a good mom. you are a good mom to your pet. and you are doing the best you can but being home along with a small one can be INCREDIBLY isolating, even when things go perfectly. i dare you to find a mom who wouldn’t agree and understand… best of luck to you, mama. cheers!
oh hun–i feel for you–totally because i think that we’ve all been there.
a toast to you: for a better day tomorrow, filled with less pee stains and more smiles.
Awww this HAS to be normal!
I hope that it gets better, and that Kendall stops being “2” and you can get the dog pee under control.
You handle it better than I would. I would be in a my room with a bottle of wine and big ugly tears while my dog and child peed on each other.
Hang in there. And don’t beat yourself up for wanting a break. Like all things in life, we need breaks!
Oh Jill, I’m so sorry. I think as mom’s we are completely entitled to our own meltdowns every once in a while. It’s a full time job – its not like at the end of the day you get to unwind like you did pre-kids. Whether you work FT or are a SAHM, its still 24/7 with something. I share many of the same thoughts, just with a working outside the home twinge, and I feel insanely guilty for wishing for a day off so I can take my DD to daycare, come home and try to clean up or do laundry or just sit and do nothing for a few seconds. We all have those days.
Ugh..I’m sorry. I hope he at least pulls one of those long afternoon naps for you. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting a break. I’ve had days where Matt walks through the door and I have my keys in my hand and immediately walk out because if I don’t get out of here I’ll scream. We’ve all been there..I’m there at least once a week.
Just so you know James hates the daycare at our gym. The last time I was there they came to get me mid work out because he was freaking out so bad.
I hope you two can get away sometime soon for a nice vacation…you deserve it and you need it !
My mama always said you become a better mother when you get a break from your children. She used to insist on taking my son for long weekends so I could be me for a few days. It takes a village and sometimes the village worker-bee needs to get away! Don’t feel guilty for one second for needing and deserving a break. Get away for a bit and you will come back refreshed and ready to handle the dog pissing on the kid.
I understand and know what you are talking about. The child I nanny is at the same age and we are going through the fits and jello bodies(where the hell did they learn that anyway?) Don’t feel guilty..we all go through it and no one is supermama or supernanny in my case, its frusterating and their have been times ive just started crying but remember God will never give you anything you can’t handle.
-Ashley
we have all been there, i too have days where i feel like i “suck at this job”. it is a relief to me, to know that i am not the only one who gets to the end of my rope with my toddler. i don’t know why we feel so much guilt, it must be a genetically female thing. hang in there. i hope you get a few moments to yourself and enjoy a glass of wine or a cup of coffee.
ps. love, love, love reading your blog, thanks for sharing with us!
I feel the same guilt. Mine seems compounded by the fact that I’m a teacher and am at school all day. But, lately, my 22 month old has been a little terror too.
I feel so guilty about needing a break during the little amount of time I do get to spend with him during the day. I get about 3 hours between work and bed with him, but find that about 2.5 of those hours are spent trying to figure out what/if he’ll eat dinner or why he’s throwing a fit.
Thank you for putting this out there. Our boys are only a week apart and it’s so nice knowing that mine is not the only one acting crazy. 🙂
My youngest just turned 2 in January. I call him El Destructo because he is dismantling my house piece by freaking piece. He’s a cookie coated mini terrorist. Big Daddy asked if we could medicate him. I actually stopped to think about it for a moment. That’s probably not a good thing to admit. And now with morning sickness kicking my butt he just waits for his opportunity. He watches and waits until I cannot physically chase him and then he destroys things. Did you know that a 2 year old can flush 9 power rangers down the toilet before it requires a plumber? Or that a dog can only eat half a package of fig newtons before throwing up….on your couch? Or that no amount of industrial strength cleaner will get red sharpie marker off the couch? I don’t want to know these things. I really really don’t. If you run away, please take me with you. I’m begging.
I’m so sorry. Sounds awful. I hate that you feel guilty about it, too, when it would be downright crazy if you didn’t want a break.
one mom staying home with a child just isn’t the way it should work. We (humans) are not built for this. We are built to live in tribes, working alongside each other, taking care of children together. Doing it all alone is so much harder.
Hang in there and try to be gentle on yourself.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting or needing a break. You have to keep yourself same and happy if you want to keep you kid sane and happy.
i have sooo been there!! the last time i lost it was when my 2 year old (what IS it with this age??) threw herself on the floor after asking for the 14th time to watch thomas ‘one more time’, conked herself nearly unconscious – ended up with a HUGE bruise on her temple. this was the day before her 2 year old pics were to be taken…and during this drama my 3 month old was screaming from colic…the 2 out of control dogs were barking non-stop at a squirrel…and our 12 year old cat threw up all over the kitchen floor…which my 2 year tried to eat before i could stop her.
i just figure if it doesn’t kill us, it must make us stronger (somehow!!) and eventually we get that nice glass of wine in a darkened room! straight jackets are optional.
So you can probably relate when I say that sometimes I take really slow and small steps on my way to the mailbox.
Those days are tough
Those days we stare at the clock
Those days we question why we signed up for this
Those day almost nothing helps
I have a two year old that goes from 1 to 10 often and I have used a childrens stress relief herbal remedy from Whole Foods. They have one for adults too. Maybe placebo but it seems to help. If not, I like cabernet.
Soul sister, I know the feelings! Personally, I can’t decide which is worse: mopping the floor three times a day to clean up the food my son pitches OR just having a gross, dirty floor.
Oh man, the mom guilt! I’m right there with you! Hopefully you get your much needed break soon (even though there comes creeping up the guilt of feeling like you need a break haha). Another, hopefully less pee-filled, day ahead of you tomorrow-hope it’s a million times better!
Bac Out. We swear by it for cleaning up both baby and human pee.
I needed to hear that someone else feels this way SO DESPERATELY tonight! Thank you for sharing.
I have a 24 month old (March 1) boy too and he’s really been testing my patience. I have a full time job that I love and often feel guilty about how happy I am to drop him off at daycare (which he loves) on a Monday morning, just to get a break and go to work. What a horrible mother I must be to feel that way! It can make a person crazy…
I work from home on Fridays and care for my little guy while trying to write code, field phonecalls, read email and just not lose my mind. I have NO IDEA how SAHM Moms do it every single day. And that, too, makes me feel like I must be a bad person, a bad Mom.
But then I look at my little guy (when he’s not throwing tantrums or doing other unangelic things) and think – look, I’m doing fine. He’s amazing, smart, funny, communicative…things will be JUST FINE.
But those moments in between? OUCH.
Two things to add – first, find a teenager you can spend some time with. I have a 13 year old step daughter and a 17 year old step son that are here with us every other week. Seriously? They continually make me realize that tantrums and whining are NOT the worst thing in the world. 🙂
Second, my sweet dog Bailey was diabetic for 7 years of the 17 we spent together. Two insulin shots a day, glucose testing twice a day, prescription food, eye surgery – we did it all. Do you have good support on that side of things? There are some amazing pet support forums out there for canine diabetes and I’m happy to share some tricks that worked for us in getting him regulated.
Hang in there. You are an amazing Mom, doing a fabulous job and you totally deserve a break! <3
I used to be more involved in diabetic pet forums back before I got swallowed by the land of weddings and babies online. I need to get involved again. I know it would help me figure things out with him. Thanks for the words of encouragement!
I never usually post a comment, but I have to say Jill–DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. I am not even a stay at home mom, and sometimes I feel like if I don’t get a break from my whining, cake-requesting 21 month old, I might scream. And then it passes, cause he hugs me (or something equally and ridiculously heart-melting). Hang in there…and go plan that vacation!
you know what is TOTALLY crazy? I saw you posted this yesterday and didn’t have time to read it. I woke up this morning thinking that I might email YOU today for support. You who I’ve never met before but who echoes my same frustrations, guilt, happiness so often. You who has a son a few months old than mine and who at times, like today, I think is the only person who could understand how TIRED I am, how FRUSTRATED I am, how GUILTY I feel because as dearly as I love my sweet boy, I do NOT like him today.
My complaint? Kid will not SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT. He is 19 farking months old and we have BEEN THROUGH THIS ALREADY. SLEEP, kid, SLEEP!!! What is the PROBLEM?! I AM TOO TIRED!!! I have a full-time job!!! I don’t get to take naps!!! I don’t have a single second of down-time between 5am and 8pm. Just please, please, please (imagine my whiniest whiny voice) LET. ME. SLEEP.
I am now at work. I just read your post (because I can’t focus on work, you know, with the lack of sleep and all) and I feel better. I really do. I am so not alone. Misery really loves company, and today, I love you (you know, in that far-away-loyal-blog-reader-internet-friend way). Maybe you don’t have clean baseboards and you’re drowning in pee, but how awesome is it that just blogging about it helped another mom, 1000s of miles away, get through one more tough day. Thanks Jill 🙂
Julie, you email me anytime, sister! I’m sorry you’re going through that. That sounds like an absolute nightmare. I’m glad we can all find strength in each other’s chaos 🙂
We have an extra bed, lots of wine, and we are just a plane ride away….Just leave him with Scott and I’ll even kick in a pedicure for us girls !!!!
You are so nice, Karen! Trust me… when we come to visit this Summer, you and I can def. head out for that pedicure.
Aye, why is that us Moms are always filled with guilt. Jill, I ALWAYS feel that way too…probably too much where it is starting to be unhealthy. With an 18 month old, a dog and 2 cats our house is never in decent shape and it is so frustrating to come home to that after work. I feel like I’m not good at ANYTHING anymore. Wine has become my friend too. 🙂 There are days where I just think, its OK and normal and try really hard to ignore it, then of course there are days where I definitely melt down. Hang in there chica, even during your meltdowns you are an inspiration and I know things will turn around for the good. 🙂
And ditto to Julie’s comment above…that is exactly me too! So thanks to both of you for helping feel like I’m not alone.
I got teary eyed reading this because it describes so closely what I’m feeling right now. My sweet 6 month old little boy is so advanced that he has developed seperation anxiety a whole 3 months early. Yay. Every time I put him down and walk out of his eye sight he screams!! I would love to just walk in the house one day, and do my clean up routine or even cook supper without my little one screaming bloody murder at the top of his lungs, only to quiet down the second I pick him up, and like you, I feel incrediably guilty for even feeling that way.
Let me start by saying that I am NOT laughing at you, but with you… I just had this same blow out just the other day to my husband, replacing the dog with a 1 1/2 year old! You shouldn’t feel guilty, every mom needs a break. It’s just some of us aren’t so blessed to have the sitters to give us one! I look around my neighborhood at all the people spring cleaning their houses, and I am lucky to get the damn table wiped off from dinner LAST NIGHT! I tell ya, it is freakin’ hard having kids and no help. I don’t know how that Duggar chick does it with 19 of them! She is one crazy bitch! Sometime’s I feel the weight on my chest like I should have all this stuff done around my house, and I can’t get to it, because my daughter is hanging on me and my son wants a million things and it’s so overpowering I want to sream!!! I know exactly how you feel! That is why I am best friends with Xanax. Without her I would be in a looneybin! Not even close to joking! Hang in there, before you know it, you will be sending his but off to school and you will be sobbing like a baby like I did yesterday when I registered Nico for Kindergarten! Go figure, we preay for the day and when it gets here, we are nuts!
UGH DOG PEE.
But only in the baby’s room… not ON the baby, so I guess that’s a win.
I could pour out all my frustrations, (similar and opposite) to you, but I’m at work right now and don’t have the extra hour it would take… and that would really feel like hijacking your post via comment anyway.
So, here’s yet another mom just stopping by to say I FEEL YOU.
Ah the “it’s not an uh-oh if it’s on purpose” and the omelette for lunch cause you know he’ll at least eat eggs is soooo my life these days too…. What is it with almost-two-year-olds??
I’ve even got the dog peeing- but it’s not cause she’s sick, it’s just cause she’s lazy and doesn’t like to go out in the cold….
So I feel you- I’m there, doing that.
Don’t feel guilty- you’d be weird if you DIDN’T want to get away!!!
“I want to come home to a house that is clean and will FUCKING STAY THAT WAY.”
Oh, if you find a way to do this, please, please, please let me know how. I can.not.handle.it. There is nothing more frustrating than cleaning your house only to know it is going to be a war zone when you turn around. Hope your day gets better.
I definitely have the feeling that I want a break from my son and I’ve only been around him for three months! I can only imagine what my state of mind will be like when I’ve been around him for 22 months. Keep the venting coming, it lets me know that I’m sane. 🙂
This has nothing to do with pee, but it might make you feel better….Micah hit me in my freaking eye socket tonight with a hammer. Yes, I said hammer. Okay, so, yes, it was a *toy* hammer, but it is made of very hard plastic and made a bone crushing noise when it connected with my face. OMFG. Boys are so rough. Just wanted you to know I had a really effing bad day too. I’m sorry……I hope things get better for you. Feel better!!!!! Love you!
I. Feel. Your. Pain.
Seriously. Minus the almost two year old, you could have described a day in the life of me. Hang in there… people keep telling me it gets better so I’m assuming at some point it will. If you figure out how to keep your house clean, please please share!
Two weeks, five months, two years, twelve, I think that these days are part of being a mother. So, don’t beat yourself up. By now (since I’m commenting a few days late) you’ve probably had a few days that were much better than this one. You’re a great mom. Thanks for being honest about it not always being easy. Makes me feel better about the days that I’ve wanted to do exactly the same thing and I’m only five months into this parenting gig.
Holy shit Jill, sorry. That sucks. I didn’t realize how crap your day really was. Um, but can I just say that I realized maybe my dog has diabetes? These fat little fatties (one of them) has been peeing around the house and I swear it was because they were being spiteful little cows. Ohhh maybe they have diabetes. Great. Joy. ugh.
Anyway, hope today is better and he comes off….whatever he’s been on. And don’t feel guilty. I was feeling that this week too with my poor sick kid.
Oh Jill, that sounds AWFUL! You are NOT alone in thinking you’d just like to get the hell away from your kid. They are more work than the advertising initially shows. Hang in there!! I hope you’re having a better day!!
You are all AMAZING. Seriously, wow. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the kind, encouraging words and for sharing your own stories. I wish I had the time to respond to each of you individually. I’m sorry some of you are having an equally, if not worse time. Hang in there to all of you! And thanks again 🙂
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