Even the Miracle Bra can’t help me

A lot of blog posts come to me in the shower. This one was literally inspired by  the view looking down in the shower today. It is a sad state of affairs between my neck and my belly button, people. Sad like two deflated balloons the day after a birthday party. Sad like an empty, dusty house that used to be home to a couple rock stars. Sad like the show Trash Can of Skin that I once saw on the Discovery Channel. Sad.

The girls were at their peak of disparity by the time I fully weaned Kendall, looking very much like fried eggs and everything like I was afraid they would become. I was happy to see over the summer that they started to get a little mass back in them, a little more fluff. I was hopeful they would continue to….uh… puff back up as time went by, but I think it’s safe to say we’ve reached a stand still. They may not resemble fried eggs so much anymore, but they aren’t the fun bags they used to be either. They are smaller and… shiftier (?) than they were in their glory days. It’s kind of like they just exploded, got really fat, did a lot of yo yo dieting, and then had gastric bypass. The loose skin, the stretchmarks… it’s all very “Trash Can of Skin”-ish.

I saw a commercial today for a “Bra Makeover” at a nearby mall. I think I shall save up and seek out their assistance. Not a single bra of mine fits correctly, and by correctly I mean not a single bra I own works miracles and defies gravity. This commercial looked like it had some that might do just that… for a price.  It’s probably one of those places that will have no bras under $150, but that’s only a fraction of the price of a boob job, so that’s a steal, no? Not that I’m against boob jobs. I just don’t see the point until the baby factory is officially shut down for eternity.  And when that day comes, hopefully not too far in the future, I will get something done. Oh, yes, I will.

I am actually really quite interested in this procedure I heard about in a radio news program last week. I don’t know why it has taken plastic surgeons this long to perfect such a technique. Seems pretty obvious to me that this is a BRILLIANT solution, and had I gone to school to be a plastic surgeon this would have been my Capstone project, my thesis… or whatever. They take fat from your belly and/or thighs and… GET THIS… they fill your boobs up with it. Wham, BAM, thank you surgeon! You get a boob job and a flatter stomach all at the same time. It’s genius.

Really, the point of this post is the old gals ain’t what they used to be, I’m sorry to report. And even though I saw this coming two years ago, I’m still saddened by it. I’m still mourning their loss.

::pours a 40 out for my once awesome rack::

Kendall is 18 months and 3 days old (Oh, and at his 18 month appointment today, he showed off his awesome new trick – bashing his head against the wall super hard on purpose. Awesome. Scared the shit out of the nurse.)

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  1. Fried eggs is a marvelous description! My girls are in the same boat as yours, sad, deflated, and shifty lol. Here’s to boobjobs in the future!! *cheers*

  2. Well, if you are going to get work done that certainly seems like the procedure to have. Me I hate needles but that procedure seems pretty cool. 🙂 Sorry about your boobs – mine are a constant source of frustration for me too – and speaking of I need to go pump. 🙂

  3. HA! Did you know that they will improve over time! Don’t count out the ole girls yet. They might still have a little spring in their step. It will take a while though. The things we give up for kids. I won’t even go into my tampon story! Hang in there ( no pun intended)

  4. I really can’t complain about what birth/breastfeeding has done to my body. I never got a single stretch mark (but knock on wood, I’m not done having kids yet and I suppose it’s never too late!) and my breasts returned to basically the same state they were in pre-baby… size A.

    The extra weight I had (well, have) on me always makes me feel somewhat Troll-ish, but someone who’s truly overweight would probably slap me for saying so. I complain when I really shouldn’t complain. But isn’t that what we do?

    So having said all that, I’m somewhat constitutionally opposed to cosmetic surgery. Well, after the cesarean, I cannot imagine any reason in this world that I’d let someone cut my flesh outside a life-saving procedure, and they’d reallllllly have to convince me it was life saving first. I mean… I’d have to see my organs hanging out of me before I’d sign a consent form. So I don’t really get the “suck fat from here, move it there” thing. Why can’t we all just like the way we look?

    But I ask that question being a person who has no serious issues with my appearance, and also having a husband who announces on Twitter that I am better looking post-babies than any tight little 22 yr old could be. So maybe I just don’t have any good reason to dislike my body that much. Perhaps it’d be different if I did.

    Just remember how much those boobies did for you, and you might not be so hard on them. 😉

  5. Yes Jill, I am right there with you too. Stopping breast feeding and training for a marathon within a few months are hell on breasts! My once D’s are now A’s, though I have not given in and bought less than a C bra–I call the extra space my “breathing room!”. Allen even told me I can get breast implants whenever I am ready–so you KNOW it is bad! Target sells little water filled bra inserts and I use those occasionally, when I want to feel perky. It could be worse though-my sister had DD’s and now she says they are like a “rock in a sock” and hang down past her belly! Oh, the joys of motherhood!

  6. Oh, I am right there with you Jill. My boobs used to be awesome. They were my best asset. Now they are gone, and I am very upset about it. I can literally hold paper, pencils and the like under my breasts like they are some sort of clip board. But, when I’m done making babies, I WILL be getting a boob job, and I don’t care who judges me for it. This is something my husband and I agreed on before we even got married.

  7. Sorry sorry about the boobage situation. I plan on breastfeeding our son once he arrives, and I am terrified what will happen to my already tiny A cup boobs. They’ve swollen to an awesome B cup in pregnancy, but I am sure they’ll eventually collapse. And get saggy. So sad.

    Victoria’s Secret has a new bra out called the “Miraculous Pushup” (saw the commercial last night) that promises to add two full cup sizes and push the girls up like crazy. It’s worth a shot, and I am sure it would be less painful and expensive than surgery. Good luck!

  8. It’s so funny that you brought this up. I was just lamenting what would happen to my little funbags once I start breastfeeding. Of course, mine never reached rockstar proportions- they have a perfectly good career writing elevator music. Perhaps their fall from grace won’t hurt quite as much.
    On the topic of plastic surgery. I think there’s one thing that would stop me from taking that route. Can you imagine if something should go wrong? “She died trying to displace the fat from her ass to her boobs” is not the tagline I want on my obit!

  9. Yeah, I BF for like two seconds compared to you and my boobs are flat pancakes. It’s really quite sad. There was a time that they were so perky I didn’t even have to wear a bra! Oh, how I miss those days. I can say that now that I’m pregnant with baby #2 they are already ginormous and sitting up quite well and I can look down with pride one more. If only for a little while.

    Also, that is weird that K bangs his head on purpose. So does Landon. I thought maybe it was just him.

  10. I haven’t had any kids yet so I can’t relate to the sad state of the girls, but I read about the same procedure on MSNBC.com and I’m ready to sign up. I’m hoping the procedure can only be refined and perfected between now and when I’m ready for it. Who knows, maybe it’ll be the Botox Party of the Future…

  11. This post made me so sad. I would do anything to have saggy boobs if it meant I was able to breast feed. My milk never came in for my first child, and I was heart broken. Please appreciate your body for what it can do!

  12. I am so sorry that so many of you are in the same boat, but of course, glad to hear I’m not alone.

    I’m not giddy at the thought of someone slicing me open, but I’m not ruling it out. That’s just me being honest. And I am grateful for what my body has done, I really am! But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t appreciate a little makeover when it’s all said and done. Me getting a nip and a tuck won’t take away from the wonderful thing these girls have done for me.

  13. I see a boob job post-baby as my way of rewarding my girls for all of their hard work. I mean, if I’d buy myself a pair of really awesome blue jeans or color my hair or buy new makeup if I lost weight/got in shape as a reward, then why not have my girls returned to their former positions of glory?

    I’m totally feeling you on the fried eggs and I just weaned this week.

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