Well, I’m back. So sorry to have abandoned you all last week. Blogging from hotels just never seems to work out for me. But, I vow to be more productive this week!
Memos From Mommy this week is brought to you by a fabulous gal by the name of Maureen Lipinski and her new book, A Bump in the Road. Maureen and I struck up a little internet friendship not too long ago and have come to realize we have many things in common. For example, she is really pretty, cool, and ridiculously funny ; ) So I KNEW you all would love to hear about the newest baby she just birthed, her very first novel.
Sometimes, the unexpected can be a whole lot of fun…despite the extra thirty pounds.
After a weekend in Vegas, twenty seven year-old event planner and famous blogger Clare Finnegan finds herself in one place she wasn’t quite ready to be: pregnant. As the stick turns pink, she’s quickly thrown into a world where eating lunchmeat is equivalent to smoking crack and maternity clothes appear to have been assaulted by a Bedazzler.
In the midst of her slow transition from beer bottles to baby bottles, Clare juggles burgeoning internet stardom, plans Chicago’s biggest black-tie gala and attempts to keep the peace between her two feuding best friends–Julie, an overweight nurse who thinks she’s a cast member of Sex and the City and Reese, a stay-at-home-mom who is quickly discovering why suburban women are the fastest growing category of drug users.
Not only funny but smart, sassy, and witty, this is a debut novel that will have you laughing for a good nine months.
Now, doesn’t that just sound hilarious! I admit, I haven’t read it just yet, but plan on rushing out to my bookstore as soon as I can get it together enough to put on matching clothes, or at least something other than my pajamas to grab a copy. One of you lucky Memos From Mommy entrants will win an autographed copy! You can read a little more about Maureen and her book in this Chicago Sun-Times article and on her website, MaureenLipinski.com. You can also follow her on Twitter @MaureenLipinski. And if you don’t happen to be the lucky winner, you should still get out and go buy her book! This would be a GREAT “Hooray! You’re expecting! Have fun with that!” present.
On to the Memos… same rules. Anyone can enter, really. I’m pretty liberal. You can write a memo to your child/fetus/pet rock/dog. In fact, this week I’m choosing to write a passive aggressive letter to the dimwit in the mall play area I ran into last week. The winner will be chosen at random next Monday by Random.org. Everyone who enters their own memo in the comment section will be entered to win. Maureen will ship the book anywhere in the world so even my lovely Aussie followers (dude, I seriously get major love from down under…that’s what she said) can enter…and the rest of ya, too. AND, remember, she’s gonna autograph it and personalize it for the winner.
Dear Fellow Mall Playground Mommy,
I suppose it is your right to choose to feed your child their lunch in the middle of the mall playground where other children can see and NOT at the food court tables located 100 yards to your left. That’s fine. However, please know that my son is very much like a dog. It is cruel and unusual punishment to set out your fine fares of crackers, cheese and lunch meat at his eye level, mere feet away from the slide he is attempting to scale, and not expect him to lunge for it. We have not quite mastered the art of restraint at the tender age of 1. And, really, I can only apologize to your dumb ass so many times as he sprints toward you, mouth agape, fingers clamoring when he sees you preparing your own personal baby buffet on the park bench. So please, stop giving me the side eye and sighing your annoyed sigh, looking at me as if I can’t control my child. I can sigh right back at ya AND roll my eyes.
Signed,
Mother of out of control mini-human garbage disposal
****This giveaway is now closed. The winner is comment #7 (as drawn by Random.org). Congrats Teresa!*****
Available now: Amazon | Barnes & Noble
38 comments
This book looks amazing 🙂
Here’s mine for the week!
My dearest darling daughter,
I appreciate the fact that you now know that cows say “moo”. I’m very proud of the fact that every time I ask you what a cow says, you moo right back at me. However, when Daddy asks you to say “Mama”, please don’t moo like a cow. It makes Mama sad.
Dear Caroline,
While it’s very cute that you can say ‘Uh-oh’ now, that down not make it okay for you to THROW everything and exclaim, ‘UH-OHhhh!’ over and over and over again. tia.
Love, Mommy
I love these – they are so fun!!
My sweet, sweet boy,
No matter what ever happens in life I will not abandon you. It is not necessary for you to go running through the house screaming my name. I did not leave you. I merely went to grab some peanut butter from the basement. Or maybe to use the bathroom without an audience. I love you my little man!! Mommy
Dear Sweet Boy,
Mommy is very proud of your new-found ability to crawl throughout the house, and is taking extra measures to keep the floor as clean as humanly possible. I am baffled at your ability to find the tiniest speck of anything “not-for-baby” and put it in your mouth!
Orchid bark is not an acceptable chew object, and two mornings in a row of fishing it out of your mouth is making me question my ability to clean my floor; not to mention, how the heck did orchid bark get on the floor anyway???. Please refrain from any further bark-eating; or mouthing any other semi-dangerous, yucky, not-for-baby objects, for that matter. You have plenty of perfectly baby-safe teething toys at your disposal.
Love, Mommy
I jsut discovered this blog via the crib rail cover tute link on Craft. What a great site! I really loved the rail cover as well and I’ll be linking to it tomorrow if you don’t mind. Off to explore the rest of your site!
Even though I can’t win (I’m the author of A BUMP), I’ll play:
Dear Toddler Son,
While I sincerely appreciate your close relationship with the dog, I cannot condone the constant french kissing. Not to mention your preference for dog food over 99.9% of human food.
Love,
Mama
Dear sweet baby,
I love the fact that you love your mommy, but don’t love the fact that only mommy can hold you. I know this is just a phase and that we’re going through it later than most, but could we please get through it quickly. Mommy’s arms are tired.
Love you baby!
Dear sweet daughter,
Screaming in the middle of the food court because mommy wasn’t tearing up your tortilla wrap fast enough is not my idea of a quiet Sunday lunch with the family. Please save your tantrums for when we are alone and not within earshot of the hordes of onlookers amazed at the piercing screech coming from such a tiny body. Or at least warn me first so I can get my earplugs.
Love you,
Mommy
dear darling boy
your mother would like to apologise for the fact that you had to sit in a traffic jam today, and hence decided to scream your head off for half an hour, with a lovely continuation at home too. Your mother would like you to know it was not her fault, but she will endevour not to let it happen again. Given how traumatic it is, Mom is thinking of never getting into a car with you again, or at least until you’re old enough to understand her when she says we’re nearly there. Anyway, everyone has calmed down now, and Mom loves you again – it was touch and go there for a while!
Mama
Dear Sweet Baby In The Womb:
I love that I can finally feel you moving around and that I know what to eat or do to get you to kick. But, is it really necessary for you to bounce on my bladder like a trampoline? I spend enough time in the bathroom as it is, I don’t need to be in there 5 more times a day to let out 3 drops of pee.
Love you!
Dear Annabelle,
I sincerely hope you appreciate the amount of blood, sweat, and tears that have gone into your crib bedding. Mommy has worked so very hard on it in hopes that your nursery will look just a little bit like those in the Pottery Barn Catalogue, without the pricetag.
Ehh, who are we kidding? You’re probably just going to poop/pee/spit up on it anyway, and in 10 years when I pull it out to show it to you, you’re going to roll your eyes and thing it’s the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen, and wonder why in the heck I let you sleep on something so hideous. But try, dear child, not to bust my chops too much about it, mmmkay?
Love you,
Mommy
Dear Lily-Pie,
It was so nice when you were sleeping for 9 hours in a row. What happened? Why do you insist on waking up, screaming like a banshee for no apparent reason every two hours now? Please sleep again sometime soon.
I love you,
Mommy
Dear Zach,
I’m so sorry you were sick this week, it broke Mommy’s heart to hear you breathing like Darth Vader. And while I feel so sad that I could not make you feel better sooner, I do have to say, Daddy is equally as comforting as Mommy. Mommy should not be the only one who can hold you or calm you when you don’t feel good. This clingy-ness is how Mommy caught your horrible cold, and having a 22.5lb 9 month old clinging to you when you can’t breathe is not pleasant. So in the future, give Daddy a chance ok?
Glad you’re feeling better!
Love,
Mommy
Dear Ethan’s Teeth-
Get out. Now. Or I’m coming in there with pliers and yanking you through! I’m tired of my crabtastic son waking an hour after he goes to sleep because these two pesky side teeth are hurting him. Cut now or else…
Mom
Dear Baby Boy
I love you kiddo. But so does Daddy and so does Gram. I promise I’m only going to do laundry, cook dinner, take a shower, I’m not even leaving the house. I will return, and we can cuddle!
But also I know soon you won’t want to cuddle at all so maybe just maybe when I want to cuddle you could not yell at me and go for the toys.
Love Mommy
Dear baby boy,
I know you are very excited about all the new things you can do, and how awesome life is now that you are a toddler. But, sweet boy, will you please STTN again? I am so tired, especially now that you have a sibling on the way. I know you don’t understand, nor do you care, but immediate action would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
I love.you.even.though.I.am.SO.tired.
A
Dear W,
Remember when you were about eight weeks old, Mommy went back to work, and you stayed home with Daddy. Remember how Mommy bitched and whined and cried about you not liking her and only liking Daddy (despite your fondness for Mommy’s boobs)? Well, I take it all back. You can go back to liking Daddy, too. It’s ok, I swear. No matter what you believe, I don’t have to be the only one to hold/feed/bathe/change you. Daddy’s a little rough around the edges, but you’ll survive, I promise.
Love you,
Mommy
Dear Andrew,
If at any point in your life you ever doubt how much your Mommy loves you, refer back to Sunday afternoon during our six hour road trip from hell. You may not have noticed because you were screaming your fool head off, but I vaulted over the front seat into the back to sit next to you, and even tried to pump in a traffic jam, offering a bird’s eye view to that pervy truck driver to our right.
Only because I love you, darling son.
Yours,
Mommy
Dear Baby Girl,
Daddy and I picked out so many toys with the anticipation that they would be quite entertaining for you. So why must I always race to your side to pull away the dog’s tennis ball or kong from your little mouth? Please remember that the dog’s toys are his and go play with your own. Thanks!
Love,
Mama
Dearest Munchkin,
At the ripe old age of 4, you should be grasping the concept of cause & effect. If you tip your chicken nuggets over the side of the car seat, the dogs WILL eat them. Actually, they will be gone in less than 0.23 seconds.
I did NOT pay $6 for the dogs to eat chicken nuggets. They do not need chicken nuggets. In fact, they would be happy with horse poop and kitty “snacks”. Premium white meat chicken nuggets don’t make the list (though I am sure they would have enjoyed them had they eaten them slowly enough to taste them).
& you really shouldn’t be surprised that you didn’t get the toy. The dogs eating your chicken nuggets does not count. Pouting won’t help.
Love,
Mommy
Dear K,
I know you know what ‘mommy has to go potty, I’ll be right back’ means. In fact, you know the difference between I’ll be right back, which indicates you are to wait for me to return, and I’ll be back in a minute, which means I’m leaving you to go to sleep and I hope I don’t have to come back and jam that pacifier at you ONE MORE TIME! So please, please make up your mind to not lay there and scream your bloody head off when mommy has to potty, mk? I always, always come back, and I just want a minute of peace while you entertain yourself by training to be the next NFL quarterback, by heaving your pacifier through the crib rails.
Love,
Mom
ps, you know I’ve given up caffeine, alcohol, and any type of medicine to take care of you, right? Give mommy a break now and then (hugs!)
Jules,
I love breastfeeding you, but you have to learn to take BM from a bottle too. I don’t think I can take a whole year of not being away from you for more than a few hours and no back up plan. Bottles are fun, I promise and daddy loves to be able to feed you too. Your pouty faces kill me.
Love,
mom
That book looks hilarious!
Zeke,
Thanks for learning how to laugh, not that I didn’t love the constant crying and screaming! Thank you for laughing at everything I do, especially when I do things like eat crackers, walk into a door, and sometimes brush my teeth. Thank you for helping me see myself in an all new light!
Love, Mom
Dear B,
I truly do love that you love playing with me (even though we don’t get to nearly often enough) and I truly do *love* getting to play with you. So while I understand that your Daddy is not nearly as much fun to play with as Aunt Mary, when I tell you I have to go, I really *do* have to go. I hate it, too. But I really will be back soon to play whatever you want. Really. I promise. So next time I say I have to go back to my house, “No” is not an acceptable answer. (Also, the sidelong look where you appear to be examining my resolve is less than appreciated. Especially since you always follow the look with another “No. You can stay longer.” Really girl, you’re too smart for *my* own good.)
Oh, and also? Having brothers of my own, I can appreciate that you don’t want little L in your room. But really? If we give him something to nom on, he won’t bother you at all. And it might cut down on the screeching every time you shut your door. I bet your Mom & Dad would appreciate that.
Love, Aunt Mary.
Dear Matthias,
I love that you love to cuddle with mommy and I love feeling needed. But you are two years old and perfectly capable of walking on your own, so please stop insisting on being picked up when I am trying to carry your brother and all the shopping bags. You are a big boy now.
Thanks,
Mommy
Dear G,
Today I am officially annoucing my technology hiatus in honor of you. For at least 2 weeks I will not spend endless hours on facebook, on blogs (mine or other), or checking email CONSTANTLY. Instead, I vow to spend more time with you, playing, snuggling, walking, and learning. Now that the decision has been made and my resolve is strong (I’m making one last round right now but I’m all yours when I pick you up later from “school”), I can’t wait!
Love,
Mama
Dear Maddie,
What ever happened to being a pro at sleeping through the night?Why is it that all of the sudden you’ve decided that we all need to start getting up at 3am every night? I’m thinking your teeth need to hurry up and come in so we can all get some sleep around here!
Love you baby,
Mommy
My sweet pea,
While I am sure that the giant exercise ball seems scary, is it really necessary to scream when you see it? I assure you it is harmelss and mommy really needs it to help get back her pre-baby stomach…or at least convince herslef that it is still hiding there.
This is hilarious (the bit about the garbage disposal baby.) Food is not safe from my son. He’d have grabbed that cracker out of that other kid’s hand faster than that woman could shoot her dagger eyes at me.
Dear Inconsiderate Parents at the Zoo,
The signs are posted very clearly – NO strollers inside exhibits. If I have considerately left my stroller in the stroller parking lot, thus leaving me to carry my child and all her junk through the monkey house, then I am perfectly entitled to give you the side-eye for running me over with your behemoth of a stroller and/or wagon. And if you push my child out of the way with your stroller one more time, I will throat punch you.
Sincerely,
One Hot, Tired, and Cranky mommy
My Dearest Mason,
I know that you really enjoy your bathtime so much. Sometimes I think that it’s not the bath per se, but the naked time afterwards. Just because Mommy lets you run around without your diaper while you dry off, it doesn’t mean that you have to prove to her that you can poop and pee on demand on the carpet. I am perfectly aware of your innate ability to evacuate fluids. There really is no reason to look me in the eye, giggle and procede to mess on the floor. The uncontrolled glee you get from it is enough to send me to the madhouse.
Love you, naked butt and all,
Mommy
My sweet boy,
I love you soo soo much, but there are times I truely do not like being a mother. 3am happens to be one of those times. I appolgize for having thoughts of “Who thought this was a good idea??” and “Why did I do this??” But I promise that those thoughts are in direct correlation to how much sleep we’re getting. So, if you could go back to sleeping though the night, all would be fine.
Thank you in advance,
mommy
To My Dear Munchkin:
I know Mommy’s laptop is a fun toy, but do you think in the future we could try to limit ourselves to pushing keys and restrain from chewing on the screen and popping keys off with your always-too-long fingernails? I appreciate it! 🙂
Love,
Mommy
Dear darling daughter,
I know that you love walking everywhere now and it is so much fun! I’m glad that you are having so much fun in the older room in daycare. But please, please stop getting injured! Mommy can’t take it anymore! It seems like everyday you fall and get a bruise. It’s only Wednesday, and you’ve already fallen and split your gum causing you to bleed everywhere. And falling two more times smacking your head in the same place causing a huge bruise.
Love,
Your mommy on the verge of a heart attack
Dear Lizard,
I LOVE the fact that you have eaten everything I have made for you so well. You being a non-picky eater (so far) thrills me! However, it is not necessary to fuss at me between every. single. bite. I promise I will continue to give you bites until the bowl is empty or until you are done.
Love you so much!
-Mommy
Dear Sweet Girl,
You are one. If you are going to eat things like spaghetti and macaroni and cheese you will wear a bib. End of discussion.
Love,
Mommy
Dear Gordon,
Welcome to the world! Your mommy is one of my dearest friends and we were all so thrilled to meet you yesterday…especially since your initial meet and greet date was two weeks ago. Anyways, I’m hoping you can send some baby vibes to my future offspring (yes, they are just a twinkle in my hubby’s eye at this point) about your quick grand entrance. I too, would appreciate the “lets get this thing done” attitude you and your mommy had yesterday. So, lets just say that if I promise to help Mommy change your stinky diaper, bring your tired Mommy yummy dinners and take you to fun places when Mommy needs a break, you’ll give my future little ones some pointers in “quick delivery”. Thanks baby boy!
Brooke
Dear Pooh Bear,
It seems that now that you have figured out how to crawl on hands and knees you have literally become a hazard to yourself…and others. Your attempts to climb anything and everything within your reach, including Mommy, have gotten you a lot of bumps on the head and crying, but not a lot of standing up. I know you are frustrated and think that since you are such a big girl to have mastered crawling it is time for you to take on a new challenge, but please be patient my dear. It will come, but in the mean time let’s try not to harm yourself anymore…and give Mommy a break for Pete’s sake, I’m not a jungle gym after all.