Not only was it Kendall’s first Halloween, but, in a sense, it was ours too. It was our first Halloween in a house in a neighborhood with trick or treaters. Since we moved in together nearly 6 years ago, we’ve lived in apartments and maybe had a combined total of 5 trick or treaters all those years. So we were stoked! Scott stocked up on Smarties (which I think is a totally lame candy, but he swore the kids would love them… and, to his credit, many of them did), we carved our pumpkins and set up some chairs on our front porch. I thought we had a general idea of what to expect. It hasn’t been THAT long since I was of age to trick or treat. How much could have changed? Ha!
1. WTF is up with kids old enough to drive trick or treating? Seriously. Are you that hard up for sugar that you need to be pushing past the cute 6 year old ladybug only to shove your bigger than an F-150 pillowcase full of candy, undoubtedly stolen from those weaker and cuter than you, in my face? And then you can’t even muster up the balls to say TRICK OR TREAT?! Get off my porch you punk. Oh, and get a better costume. If you show up here next year, you better work harder for my candy than throwing on a Jack Daniels t-shirt with your baggy jeans and pointing out to me that you are a bottle of liquor.
2. How is it that mass quantities of kids have missed the memo that in order to get candy while trick or treating one must actually say, “trick or treat” not, “give me some candy” or nothing at all. I can’t tell you how many kids (and we’re talking ones old enough to text message, so you bet your ass I think they are old enough to talk) stood on my porch, bag wide open, blank face staring at me. The first couple of times I just stared back, hoping they would remember what they were supposed to do, but the mutes were clogging up my porch so I had to just throw some candy at them so they would leave and keep the line moving. One little brat had the nerve to not say anything until after he had received his candy. Then he paused halfway down my driveway, looked back at me and screamed, “TRICK OR TREAT SMELL MY FEEEEEETTT!!!” And of course, his mom did not stop him and perhaps remind him to say thank you or correct him for being such a little turd. She laughed at him. Yes. You’re child is such an adorable little shithead. Let us all laugh.
3. Big props to the parents who actually paid attention to their kids, encouraged them to be polite and reminded them to say thank you! Sadly, it was the exception, but I would say 25% of the trick or treaters were accompanied by some pretty kick ass parents who not only insured their kid wasn’t being a little punk, but most of them dressed up and seemed to be having a lot of fun. When I grow up I want to be a parent like that.
4. Halfway through the evening I saw a middle aged couple walking their dogs down the street. They were cute dogs, some small breed that tolerates being dressed like a human, dressed up in doggie Halloween costumes. They made me smile – good for them for getting into the spirit! – then they made me think, huh? Seriously? with this – As they made their way up past our driveway the woman shouts, “We’re trick or treating for doggie treats! Do you have any?” I, visibly perplexed, cocked my head to the side and said, “Urrrrr….uhhmmm… I don’t think we even have any for our own dogs right now…. sorry!” Weird, but at least they put for the effort to dress their dogs up, I guess? It’s more than I can say for some parents, which leads me to…
5. Lazy parents suck. If you let your kid go out trick or treating with out any sort of costume, you are lazy and you suck. Now, before you try to defend these lazy sucky parents by saying, “maybe they are poor!” let me just say this. You do not NEED $$ to make a Halloween costume. You need a little imagination, a dash of creativity, an ounce of thought, half a brain, and maybe a paper bag and/or a sheet. I felt so bad for these kids, and there were more than a few 🙁 I hope your parents suck less next year.
6. Now, if the alternative to showing up in no costume is coming out in something you stole from your mother’s lingerie collection, perhaps you just need to stay home. Pedophiles must delight in what Halloween has turned into – a chance for girls as young as nine (yes, I swear to sweet tiny baby Jesus there was a nine year old dressed as a “sexy bumblebee” parading up and down our street) to dress up in shit that I couldn’t even muster up the courage to wear in college. The last two trick or treaters of the night were girls no older than 12 (I don’t know why I’m bothering with the ages… if you are young enough to trick or treat, you are too young to dress like this). One was dressed as a Playboy bunny, complete with platform stripper stilettos and fishnets and the other was a French Maid, complete with (as I saw them in all their glory when she bent down to pick up the candy she dropped) frilly lace underwear. Unbelievable. Disgusting. Most of all, sad.
6. The scariest thing I saw or heard all night was a 14-15 ish girl who, after seeing Kendall sitting out there with us, proclaimed to her girlfriends, “Awwww y’all! I REALLY want a little boy… a little baby boy…. like, now.” To which one replied, “No way. You’re too young.” She responded, “No. I’m serious. I really think it would be cool. I’m ready. I want one.” AGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Don’t get me wrong. There were lots of cute trick or treaters that were of the appropriate age and well behaved. Overall, it was a really fun night. It just, more than anything, solidified that I’m officially an adult and getting a little set in my old ways already.
Kendall is 6 months old today!!