What is your malfunction???!!!!!

Stop crying…just stop…stop… please…. PLEASE STOP… just 30 minutes…. I just want a shower…. please…. stop…. STOP!!!!   Have you officially lost your mind when you are negotiating out loud with a 2 week old?  I have lost it.  I am insane.  I have done this to myself.  What do you want?!

You are changed, you are burped, you are warm, you have napped, you just ate 1.5 hours ago…but wait, let me guess… you are hungry AGAIN!  Ugh.  Seriously?  I have a whole new respect for dairy cattle.  You do know these boobs are mine, right?  That’s right buddy, always have always will be mine.  They are merely on loan to you.  So I would treat them with a little more respect if I were you.  I don’t know what the hell you do to make my nipples burn so bad.  Do you know I want to cry just THINKING about the next time I have to pop these babies into your mouth (which is clearly lined with razor blades)?  I thought breastfeeding is supposed to be a loving, bonding experience, not cruel and unusual punishment.

And could you just, for one freaking day, be unhappy when you are on your father’s watch (however brief that may be)?  Is it seriously necessary to CRY all night long until you pass out from exhaustion at 3 in the morning?  Can you not get this out of your system from 5 to 7 pm?! I think your dad thinks I’m a lunatic, or that I’m weak, or both.  Well, he has to believe me because I make sure I call him every damn time you are shrieking while he’s gone to offer him evidence of why I’m such a raging bitch when he’s home.

I thought I could escape this cave today.  That we could all have a nice outing.  I timed it perfectly.  2 hours of freedom between feedings.  Ballet class for Hailey…. FAIL.  The last one was LAST week, which we would have known if we actually remembered to take her to it last week.  Okay, so we’ll go get some ice cream at DQ instead… FAIL. I left my wallet at home.  Go home to get wallet.  Back to the store.  You aren’t asleep anymore.  You are now getting fussy.  It’s only been 1 hour and 15 minutes since your last feeding.  I change your very dirty diaper.  Still not happy.  Head to Whole Foods in search of a new water bottle… FAIL.  You are screaming too loud to even try to look for anything.  I notice other new moms with fussy babies.  They are so sweet to them.  They rock them gently and the baby stops.  They sweetly talk to them and push them out to the car to go home. I am looking at you saying, “That is enough.  Seriously.  I don’t know what you want.  You have no reason to be crying.  Please stop.  I’m not going to listen to it anymore.”  I realize I sound like such an idiot/incompetent parent.  I quickly head back to the car. Hailey still wants ice cream.  I feel bad she’s had to listen to all this and didn’t get to go to ballet.  We head to McDonalds for shakes.  You are screaming so loud that the lady can’t even hear my order.  I am crying in line for milkshakes at McDonalds.  I get home.  Scott meets us outside to help get you out of the car.  I have called ahead for back up.  Of course, you have STOPPED FUCKING CRYING!!  I feed you.  I don’t even eat the milkshake I got for myself because it’s dairy and it’s chocolate – two things that supposedly turn you into the demon child.  See?  I have given up chocolate and ice cream for you!  Please be nicer to me.

NOW you decide to nap.  Now that you can go lay down with your dad.  I want to go nap with you, but it’s not even worth the 30 minutes of sleep I will get before you will inevitably decide you want to eat AGAIN.  Disrupted sleep is worse than no sleep sometimes.  It is a form of torture to only let someone sleep 2 hours at a time.

18 days old

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  1. You poor thing! And poor little guy too. My SIL had 3 months of newborn hell while they dealt with their daughter’s colic. I am so sorry you are dealing with it too.

    I’ll be praying for some relief for you. Hugs dear 🙂

  2. Hunny, I have SO been there!

    My daughter is 8 months old now. I promise you, this too in time shall pass!
    Right now you’re in survival mode. Just do what you gotta do to get by and it WILL get better!

    Good luck and congrats on your little one!

  3. Oh, hon, I’m so sorry. It does get better in the next couple of weeks. Have you seen an LC? I saw the hospital one twice, and the one at my ped’s office 3 times and it still took time to nurse without pain.

    If you want a couple of visitors shoot me an email. I’m totally serious. We’re pretty good at field trips now – a couple of weeks makes a BIG difference – and it’s only just us, not a toddler, too. I’m so impressed that you are caring for TWO kids! I don’t know how people do it and you’re doing it as a first-timer! You are amazing and strong and just incredible.

  4. Wow, I feel for you, I really do! I remember stumbling through the first few weeks of motherhood blindly with no sleep thinking “Who is this kid and why will he not STOP CRYING?!”

    Everyone else is right though, it does get better. Much, much, better. And these first few weeks are totally worth the payoff! Good luck, and remember, this too shall pass!!

  5. I’m sure you have heard this already, but try reading Happiest Baby on the Block. I think they have it on tape also.

  6. As I read that I felt that could have been me for the first 2 months of my daughters life. It does get better it just takes time which sucks to think about when you are a walking zombie.

  7. Like Nicole said, and I am sure someone has already told you this but FOR SURE watch the Happiest Baby on the Block DVD. A lot quicker than reading the book. I hope things start going better for you! Hang in there (easier said than done, I know).

  8. Give it 6w…just 4 weeks longer. Dramatic improvements happen for no reason at 6w. My husband worked nights and slept days and left me alone w/ a baby who wouldn’t nap. About 1w after he went back to work I thought I was going to jump out the 2nd floor window just so that I could have 15 minutes of peace. It passed. Actually, I find the terrible 2’s are an absolute breeze compared to the terrible 2w 😉


  9. I haven’t had a chance to congratulate you yet. He is adorable!! I’m sorry you are going through this. I hope it gets better soon!

  10. Try swaddling. Cade cried and cried one evening and all he wanted was to be swaddled……. you’re doing great just hang in there!

  11. Hang in there, donkey. The first weeks are tough and there is SO much to learn. But things will smooth out, probably by six weeks or so (that’s when they got dramatically better for me). I know our little guy can get pretty overstimulated/overtired in not too much time, esp since he likes a change of scenery and gets bored. But they can’t handle very much when they are this young. I’ve had to learn how to pick up on his cues so he doesn’t get beyond the point of return. Of course it still happens from time to time. 🙂

    Just put one foot in front of the other, you will get through this.

    And I also strongly recommend HBOTB. This was a Godsend at our house around three weeks or so.

  12. Pingback: One successful year of breastfeeding and weaning | BABY RABIES

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