Did you know the Dollar Tree sells drugs?

Damn you Dollar Tree and your $1 pregnancy tests! You are my crack dealer. I broke down and peed on a stick the other night. I was so f-ing proud of myself for not even being tempted, so I posted to some gals on the Nest, in sort of a niener niener I am NOT addicted to pee sticks kind of way, and those bitches talked me into doing it. “It’s just ONE dollar….Don’t you want to know?….You could be pregnant at this very moment….I got a positive at 10 dpo..blah, blah, BLAH” Just say no to peer pressure, kids.

Well, of course, the damn thing was negative. I knew it would be. The thing is, before taking the test, you can live in this blissful wonderland that there is the tiniest possibility that you have conceived. You look your due date up (mine would be March 31st), envision how big your tummy will be around major holidays – just big enough to be a cute pregnant lady at Christmas, and the kid would be out 2 months before my brother’s HS graduation, giving me a little time (if I starve myself, work out like a mad woman) to get a rocking bod back(ha! not like I had one to begin with) before making my debut in my hometown with my new adorable little one.

However, the minute that test is negative, you turn into a crazy person. If Dollar Tree tests are crack, then Google is the pimp on the corner who is the cousin of the crack dealer. I am not above admitting Googling until I can find some obscure internet article that supports my belief that I may still be pregnant. Did you know that only 35% of pg tests return accurate results at 10 dpo (that’s days past ovulation for those of you wondering), which is, according to my handy dandy charts, what I was when I tested. Prior to writing this confession, I admit to Googling “spotting while pregnant” because I have been spotting for the last two days. My good sense should tell me that that, along with the fresh zits on my face and the all too familiar cramps, should be a strong sign that I am NOT pregnant, but instead, about to get my period, but SOME women experience cramping and a light period at the beginning of pregnancy, according to some website I can’t remember. And finally, I will admit to fingering myself to test the texture, openness, and height of my cervix. It appears to be soft and high. Health lesson time!

After ovulation, your cervix will drop lower in your vagina and feel firm, like the tip of your nose. During pregnancy, the cervix will rise a bit and become softer, but the timing of this happening will vary from woman to woman. For some, this will happen shortly before their period is due, but for other, this will not happen until quite a while after their pregnancy has been confirmed. – from babyhopes.com

So there is hope!!

Now that I have satisfied the internet pervs with that lovely visual, I will end by saying that the fight ain’t over yet. I think AF is trying to psych me out, but I’m not gonna jump the gun and get DQd from the race. No, I am holding my ground until she sends all her f-ing troops, none of this spotting shit. I think she’s the warlord that gets a cut from the crack dealer and the pimp.

50 Things to Do Before You Deliver: The First Time Moms Pregnancy Guide
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  1. Not to add to your addiction but I am a proud mother of a 6 year old 9 failed pregnancy test son! I tried peeing on the stick, peeing in a cup and dipping it in the cup, peeing in the morning, night, all stick negative. I finally went to one of those urgent care places and asked for a blood test and it was positive..3 months prego. So now if there is any doubt in my mind I go ask for a $30 blood test, alot cheaper than 9 of those sticks…Good Luck!

  2. Sabrina, I think you are what they call an “enabler” : )

    So, women like you really do exist. You know, you’re like some sort of mythical creature that women with the rabies talk about all the time and want to believe in. You should refer to yourself as the fertility unicorn from now on. I bet those with the rabies would even pay to rub your tummy for good luck!

  3. I am aware that this post is eons old, but…. THANK YOU. Oh my gosh, thank you. I am not the only one that feels like a crazy person when they are TTC…. ok. So, this is a fun game I have discovered, in my Google-madness. Pick a random symptom, (chills, fever, hot flashes, zits, hangnails, canker sores)…and type it into Google as like so: “Canker sores sign of pregnancy?” Out there, somewhere, there is another woman trying to figure out if her canker sores should be something to get excited about. So this post was very helpful in realizing I am maybe…. normal?

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