A pack of ovulation predictor tests, a bottle of Merlot, and a box of tampons…those three things in my grocery cart at Target could only mean one thing – the bitch is back.
I held out as long as I could, trying to convince myself I was one of those freakish women who would never actually think they are pregnant until the contractions sent them running to give birth in the nearest bathroom because I could have something that resembled my period all nine months. I mean, who knows, I could be three months pregnant at this point, right? Maybe on top of that, I’m also one of those mythical pregnant women who never gets a positive home pregnancy test, despite being very pregnant. I really must let go of this very strange desire though. It’s just not healthy to believe in so many pregnancy fairtytales. I lost. There…I said it.
Well, if I’ve got to live through another round of cramps from the bowels of hell, I’m going to enjoy it. I drank half my bottle of wine last night, and, being the optimist I am, began telling myself how great it is that I have another month of freedom to drink and eat whatever I damn well please. I swear, if I don’t get pregnant soon, I’m going to start looking that way with all the weight I’m putting on from eating (and drinking) like it’s my last day on earth. In the past two months I’ve consumed a ridiculous amount of sushi, wine and soft cheese. I know that once that stick says I’m responsible for growing and providing nourishment to my husband’s unborn child, I will be ushered into my plastic bubble where I will undoubtedly go crazy, causing me to be committed shortly after the baby is turned over to it’s germaphobe father who works for the FDA – double whammy.
But hear this, AF – I may have lost the battle, but I will not lose the war! Just to prove my confidence in this, I only purchased the 40 pack of Tampons, not my usual Jumbo 80 pack.
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6 comments
I can’t tell you how often I have had the exact same thoughts you described in your second paragraph. Well said!
I, too, had a similar trip to Target a few weeks ago, but with pregnancy tests and a 4-pack of mini wine bottles. I figured if the test was negative I was boozing. I tried to keep the two items as far from each other as possible on the conveyor belt, but the crafty cashier was picking and choosing the order of which she was scanning things, and of course left those two items for last so that everyone else in line knew what i was up to.
LOL! I think Confessions of a Target Cashier would be a great tv show.
Callie, who knew we’d go from believing in Santa to believing in the mythical pregnancy.
rofl I am lmao reading your entries because they sound so much like me and so many women I know who are ttc.
Hey, Jill!
I know this post is waaay back when, but I so enjoy reading (and re-reading, and re-reading) your journey to motherhood in the beginning. my husband and I are on our second cycle of trying (AF showed up today…my first one off birth control) and I cried at first, and then planned a date night with a bottle of booze. 🙂 I love reading along your thoughts in the beginning, because it’s exactly how I feel now! and your 3 kiddos are absolutely precious, its encouraging to know that you did it! 🙂
xo,
Kylie
Oh, goodness! I love finding comments on old posts like this. Best of luck to you! xoxo