Despite my Navy Brat upbringing that took me all over the western part of the country (including way west- Hawaii) by the time I was 12, Texas will always be “home” to me. I spent 7th grade through high school graduation in a small, South Texas town with only one stop light, two flashing lights (one functioned as a stop light only during school hours) and a Dairy Queen. I was so “over it” by the time I graduated that I went to college 17 hours away, by car, and didn’t move back to TX until 9 years later.

Since moving back, there are many things about TX that I’m still “over”. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to be “home” and close to family and old friends again, but had I not had such deep roots here, this wouldn’t be the first place on my list of states to live (please don’t interpret this as me hating on TX because I do love so much about it).  One of the things on my “over it” list is the abundance of fried, unhealthy food and the subsequent lack of healthy options, at least in the part of the state we live in.

However, on days like today, for events like the Texas State Fair, I just have to embrace it. I have to love this great state for what it is, a place that will deep fry anything (Coke, lattes, cheesecake, Oreos, pickles, bacon, BUTTER), a place that shows no fear when it comes to artery clogging cuisine.

So, yes, today we visited the State Fair for the second year. First up, we walked through all the livestock there for show, like the “orses” and the “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAAs” (or horses and sheep and goats). Kendall was *so* excited about the “AHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAs” that people looked at us like our child had Turrets as he shrieked out each time we passed one.

We also saw a pig so big that his balls could eclipse my head, not that I know that for a fact or anything… I can just imagine. Really. They were freaking disgustingly huge. I think this is the only reason he is on display. The grown ups tell the kids he’s just a “BIG PIG!” but they are all taking pics of his balls with their Iphone. I’m sorry. I didn’t get any pictures of his balls. Not for any moral reasons, but because I hadn’t dug the camera out of the black hole that is my diaper bag yet.

We swung through the cow milking exhibit, and I was taken back to last year when I nursed in public without a cover there for one of the first times, as I fed my little 5 month old milk monster. I figured I couldn’t find a more appropriate place at the State Fair to NIP than the pavilion where lactating was encouraged and celebrated. This year Kendall got a thrill out of petting the cows on display and, I’m guessing, peed his pants after one came right out and licked him.

Kendall squeels with glee after a cow licks him

After we thoroughly sanitized our hands and Kendall’s face, we headed to the pavilion that offered the free ice cream last year. It was insanity from the moment we entered, and after only 5 minutes I’d already told two people what assholes they were for blatantly cutting in line and deliberately throwing their trash on the ground, mere steps away from a freaking trash can. As Scott and Kendall exited the line for the free quesadillas, I saw a girl purposely spill half her Dr.Pepper on the floor as her mom laughed at her. Moments away from self destruction, Scott attempted to calm me by suggesting we “get the fuck” out of there and reminded me that  it was the free food that was making people crazy. Indeed. I would rather pay for my food than spend another minute with these insane, grubbing assholios. So we went to the auto show.

Scott was not impressed with the auto show. There was no electric car, specifically no Chevy Volt. The sales rep’s excuse for this was something along the lines of, “Well, this isn’t really the market for an electric car right now.” Sadly, I had to agree.

At some point while we were there Oprah showed up. I don’t know this because we actually saw her, only because I heard some cowboys behind us grumbling something about, “That woman… yearh… Oprah… yearh… beef… yearh… hamburger…”  and because there was a MASSIVE crowd between us and the other side of the fair, a massive, SCREAMING crowd.

All that behind us, the greedy shit-heads, the Oprah madness, the car disappointment, we decided to get down to business and do what we went there to do. It was time to EAT. It was time for ALL of us to eat, and we were both so excited to introduce Kendall to his first taste of fattening fair food. Enter the funnel cake.

The photo I'm submitting for the Mom of the Year award

The noise he made while eating it sounded something like this:

“Mmmphmmmrrrmmmm nom nommmmrr nom mrrrmmph eeeeeee!”

After the funnel cake we bought a fat basket of fried pickles and I contemplated how awesome it would be to be pregnant during the State Fair. We had 10 tickets left to spend, and were coming up on nuclear nap time melt down. I REALLY wanted the deep fried pecan pie, but wouldn’t you know, it was freaking 12 tickets. So we continued on down the row of food tents, weighing all the options, when we came upon a line that looked like it had been transported from the Tower of Terror ride at Disney World, and there was a second one, equally as long on the other side of the same booth. I didn’t even have to look at their menu to know that they were selling the infamous deep fried butter.

This is only 1/4 of one of two lines for the fried butter

Why so much fuss over fried butter? Well, it’s this year’s *big* thing. It was actually voted  “Most Creative” food, which I honestly do not get. WTF is creative about frying butter? “But Jill,” you might say, “nobody has ever thought to fry butter before!” Right, because that is redundant, just like nobody has ever thought to pickle salt before.  I’m not going to diss the fried butter itself (just it’s award) because we didn’t try it. We chose to spend our last ten tickets on the fried smores, instead. Totally awesome. Totally “Nommmrrph”, as Kendall would say.

"Fried butter THAT way!"

Then we headed back home, bellyaches and all. Scott is still rolling around here like Templeton from Charlotte’s Web. We have vowed not to ingest such utterly horrible, greasy foods again… at least for another year when we might just have to try next year’s “big thing”- a deep fried deep fryer, fried in grease from a deep fryer that was deep fried.

Kendall is 17 months, 1 week and 2 days old, and probably two pounds heavier. I promise I fed him veggies for dinner.