Pregnancy is always an especially trying time because, in his effort to protect his unborn child, he becomes even more obsessed with the things I put in my body. It drives me nuts, mainly because I hate to be told what to do. I know his intentions are good, and I try to look at it from his side, but I’m not a crack whore. It’s not like I’m huffing paint.

I can’t blame the guy, though. It’s his JOB. You can’t see what he sees and know what he knows and not react this way. I get that. And I’ll admit my natural instinct to challenge authority causes me to balk at his suggestions more than I should. (Though there really are sometimes that he’s completely lost it, and I need to straight up tell him that if he asks me one more time if I washed the grapes before I ate them I’m going to cut off his balls… or I just neglect to tell him about how Kendall licked the bottom of some other kid’s shoes at the Chick Fil A playground.)

Well, in case you haven’t heard, The FDA has issued a Consumer Safety Alert for Hyland’s Teething Tablets, stating,

Hyland’s Teething Tablets are manufactured to contain a small amount of belladonna, a substance that can cause serious harm at larger doses. For such a product, it is important that the amount of belladonna be carefully controlled. FDA laboratory analysis, however, has found that Hyland’s Teething Tablets contain inconsistent amounts of belladonna. In addition, the FDA has received reports of serious adverse events in children taking this product that are consistent with belladonna toxicity. The FDA has also received reports of children who consumed more tablets than recommended, because the containers do not have child resistant caps.

Back when Kendall was beginning to teeth, and consequently become possessed, I was desperate for any sort of relief. These tablets got rave reviews across all the mommy message boards and from anyone I asked face to face. My pediatrician even said they were worth a shot. Scott, however, was not convinced. He didn’t like that they were a homeopathic, not as tightly regulated substance. “How bad could they be?!” I argued. Why oh why couldn’t he just chill and let me give the kid the damn magic tablets? EVERYONE else was doing it, it seemed. I was convinced he was overly paranoid once again. Hell, at least I wasn’t seriously considering the “whiskey on the gums” advice everyone over the age of 40 was telling me.

Well, he was right, and that sucks. That sucks because that means kids got sick off this stuff. And as much as I hate to eat crow, I apologized to Scott tonight. He wasn’t surprised to hear about the recall and advisory (he doesn’t hear about all of this stuff before it’s public since he’s on the food end of things), and, unlike how I may have reacted, he wasn’t “I told you so” at all about it. I know, though, that he’s storing this little win in his back pocket. The next time I want to give one of the kids some wonder-drug, I just know he’s going to remind me of the teething tablet debacle… and maybe he’ll be right… and maybe I’ll not put up such a big fight.

Hyland’s Teething Tablets have issued a voluntary recall. Check here for more info.

A trip to the local mega evil mart today led us down the toy aisle.  I saw him glance over at one of the elentybillion types of creepy Elmo, and a big smile spread across his face.  I picked it up and pressed his tummy.  “Hug Elmo!”  it said (at really quite an alarming volume).  Kendall reached out for it while making this sort of noise of joy that sounds like he’s coughing up a hairball (but I assure you there is no hairball to come, it’s just his happy noise, oddly enough), his eyes got bigger and bigger.  For a second, it was adorable to see him light up that way.  I was even thinking to myself, “Damn.  He loves the thing.  I could get it and call it a Valentine’s gift, I guess.  I wonder if there is a volume control.”  As his sausage fingers drew near, I anticipated he would try to pet Elmo or squeeze him, or even draw him close and give him a kiss.  No.  The kid reached straight for the paper tag on Elmo’s hand that said “Squeeze my belly!” and tried to rip it off and shove it in his mouth.  “Well,” I thought, “that settles that.  I’m not paying $18 for a paper tag attached to a borderline annoying licensed character.”  He cried as I put Elmo back on the shelf, but stopped when I gave him the box of Mum Mums to chew on.

Kendall is 9 months, 1 week and 4 days old

The pictures in the tutorial below are for the first crib rail guard I made for my son. I made another last year for my daughter, along with everything else I made for her nursery:

Now, onto the tutorial…

Not only do I make people, but I also make things that keep those people from turning their gorgeous convertible crib that I once envisioned gracing children’s rooms and guest rooms for decades to come (HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHA!!  My ignorance and naivety…oooh!  It’s so funny!) into chomped up little bits suitable for sturdy beaver dams.

After discovering several dozen notches scratched into the top of Kendall’s crib a while back, I began looking for things to not only prevent him from ingesting polyurethane and other lovely chemicals, but also to preserve what is left of the once beautiful crib.  I found the stick on plastic and rubber guards, but those, I felt, would make the crib look worse and leave behind a sticky residue.  Then I saw a few cloth teething guards listed on sites like Etsy.  I was contemplating shelling out the $30 for one of my own and realized that they looked incredibly easy to make.  After a lot of digging around on Google, I never really turned up a tutorial that showed me exactly what I wanted to make, so I winged it.  That says a lot considering I just got a sewing machine for Christmas and have only ever made a couple nursing covers, thanks to this blog.

So, without further rambling, I present to you my haphazard tutorial on how to whip up one of these puppies.  However, let me state for the record that I am no sewing expert!!  My stitches aren’t straight and I wasted a ton of fabric because I got the measurements wrong the first time around, but here’s the final product.

It’s actually three separate pieces, so I’m only going to spell out how to do one.  I’m sure you all can figure the rest out from there, based on your own crib measurements.

Materials: (this is enough to make all three pieces)
3 yards of fabric (I chose three contrasting fabrics)
1 yard of single face quilted fabric

1. Measure the length of the side of the crib you are making the cover for from inside corner to inside corner.  Add 2 inches to this measurement for your length.  I decided to make mine 9 inches wide, but I have a pretty fat crib rail.  If you’d like to customize your own width, just take your tape measure and wrap it around the crib rail until it tightly touches underneath, then add 2 inches to this measurement.  So, for example, I cut my fabric to 53″ x 11″ for the front guard.

Now, I did have to do some additional math since I decided to make that front guard out of three pieces of fabric instead of just one.  If you’d like to do something similar, just make sure that you account for the seams when you cut the fabric and add an extra half inch where each piece will meet.  ( I really hope all this is making sense.  Damn.   I knew I should have written this before the glass and a half of wine.)

2.  Cut your quilted fabric to the exact width you want your final measurement to be.  Since you only have a yard of this, you are going to have to sew together two pieces for the long guard.  Again, make sure  you account for seams when you cut the two pieces.  My final quilted piece ended up being exactly 51″ x 9″.

3. Lay your decorative fabric strip face down, fold up the sides half an inch and press with an iron, starting with the long sides first, followed by short sides.

4. Center the quilted fabric, right side up on top of the decorative fabric.  Then fold the decorative fabric half an inch over the quilted fabric, press and pin.

5. Make your ties.  For the long guard, I made bows that tied the guard together at 5 spots (either end around the corner posts and three down the middle).  Each bow needs two long strips of fabric, one on each side of the guard matched up.  I cut the corner ties (4) 3″ x 20″ and the middle ones (6) 3″ x 10″.  Then I folded each in half lengthwise, pressed them, stitched down the long side and one short side, and turned right side out. (This was, by far, the biggest PITA.  Grosgrain ribbon would probably work well and be easier, but it’s much more expensive than a yard of fabric.)

6. Place your ties for the bows.  Since all cribs are different, I’m not going to bother with telling you exactly where I placed my ties for the bows.  I just took the raw guard and placed it over the crib, then marked with some pins where I wanted each bow to tie so that it would be centered between the crib rails.

7. Lay your raw gaurd piece back face down and place each tie where you marked, making sure it’s up all the way underneath the edge of the folded seam over the quilted fabric.

8. Straight stitch around the entire guard at the edge of the folded seam closest to the exposed quited fabric.  Then fold the ties back and stitch again all the way around, this time closest to the outer edge.  I also reinforced each tie by back-stitching over each one.

9. Place over your crib rail, double knot it and tie it up.  Note- these ties are long, but I made them that way so that I could double knot them and, on the corners, double wrap them around the posts.  If the length makes you leery, you could certainly shorten them.

10. Repeat the same steps with adjusted measurements for the other two gaurds.  Here’s another look.

Hope that makes sense!  Again, I’m by no means saying this is the best way to do this, just what I figured out on my own.  If you are a sewing goddess, feel free to chime in with tweaks and tips!  I do think it turned out pretty cute.  Kendall likes to chew on it.

Kendall is 9 months and 1 week old

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So I’m sure you all can gather that being nearly seven months old for his first Thanksgiving was PERFECT timing.  Not only had he been practicing eating solids for a good three weeks, but he also had 4 teeth to help with the gnashing.  (As I type this he has 5 and is working on his 6th…Oh Lord, will there ever be a break from this teething nightmare?!)  And he can thank his grandparents for feeding him the “good stuff”, like cinnamon rolls and bacon, and convincing me to leave behind my so very thoughtfully planned out all organic and homemade baby food diet for him, at least for the week we were visiting.  That’s right folks… I said HOMEMADE baby food!  I am SO that mom that I swore I would never be.  From a post dated July 21, 2007

Prior to the Rabies, I always associated slings with hippie parents – not that that’s a bad thing. I just always thought you had to be the type of mom who made her own organic baby food from the organic vegetables she grew in her own garden to wear one, and I have no time or desire for that shit. However, I found some adorable Hotslings in very stylish patterns, and I like the idea of baby as accessory (wonder how many people I pissed off with that statement).

Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!  I have to admit, though, that the Moby with Kendall’s chubby head and arms peaking out did make quite the fashion statement.  And it turns out I do have the time and desire to make my own baby food.  It’s ridiculously easy to do and it is so much cheaper than those jars.  I’ve found wholesomebabyfood.com to be an excellent resource and I’ve picked up a lot of great tips from the book The Super Baby Food Diet (Although I don’t know that it warrants buying it full price.  I found mine for $3 at our consignment store.)

We started out with simple mashed avocado and some breastmilk, or baby guacamole, and then advanced to smashed bananas, pureed sweet potatoes, peas, applesauce, carrots, and pears, and we’ve been adding Earth’s Best oatmeal cereal and plain organic yogurt on occasion.  The guac and bananas are the easiest since there is no real prep. involved.  Just remove from the peel and smoosh.  Now that he’s okay with the thicker consistency I don’t even bother diluting it  with breastmilk.  I may add just the tiniest bit of water if need be.

My method of making the food is to steam the veggies, then puree in the food processor, fill ice cube trays, freeze over night, then store on freezer bags.   I defrost a couple cubes at a time when I need them.  Easy peasy.

Why, you may ask, did we wait until six months? Mainly, it boiled down to these reasons:

1.  I dealt with a colicky baby for the first 10-12 weeks of his life and was happy with the peace that came with the digestive tract truce thereafter.  I wasn’t exactly chomping at the bit to go screwing around with his gut.

2.   Breastmilk did the boy good.  He was in the 92nd percentile for weight at his 6 month appointment and never had so much as a spoonful of cereal.

3.  Breastfeeding was working for him and me.  It was easy.  Why rush the mess and hassle of purees and spoons and bibs and dishes when you don’t need to?  Not to mention the poop!

4.  Seriously.  The poop.  Breastmilk poops are damn near close to pleasant.  Nary a smell to them, very easy to clean up, wash right off the old diapers.  Now that we are onto solids, I have a lovely transition period known as peanutbutter poop to look forward to.  Nothing a little flushable liner won’t fix, but still, not nearly as delightful as curdled breastmilk poops.

(Note for cloth diaper followers – this really hasn’t been that bad to deal with.  I mean, okay, it’s a little gross sometimes, but I deal.  It’s a short phase.  We put a flushable liner in each diaper.  He only poops like once every other day, so if it’s not soiled with poop, we just throw it in with the wash.  You can reuse a liner a couple times.  When he does poop, I can just peel the liner off and flush it and the peanutbutter poop right down the toilet.  Supposedly, this gets better once the poop gets more solid.  Then it just rolls right off the diaper into the toilet, no liner required.  At least, this is what I hear.)

Now, I so wish I could sit here and tell all of you that starting solids was the magical thing that made my baby sleep through the night.  I mean, that’s what everyone tells you from the beginning, isn’t it?  “Oh, he’s not sleeping through the night yet?  He needs cereal.  Feed him solids and he’ll sleep for you.”  Really?  REALLY?!!!  LIARS LIARS PANTS. ON. FIRE.  Not ONLY is he not sleeping through the night (yeah… that last post… that one where he slept for 7 hours… total, utter, complete fluke, nature’s way of screwing with my head, punishing me for God knows what, never happened again), but he has gone from waking 2 times a night to every 2 to 3 hours!  Who knows why.  Could be the sixth tooth he’s working on.  Could be a growth spurt.  Could be some sort of rebellion or clingyness.  I don’t freaking know because, once again, I can’t find the damn Baby Manual that SURELY must have shot out of my vagina sometime between the baby and the placenta.

Kendall is 7 months old… and awake… again

I take it like a champ 99% of the time, although I tend to take the rubbernecking out on Scott since he’s almost always the cause of it. I don’t know how many times I need to tell him to please shut the fuck up when Kendall is nursing. We can resume normal conversation in approximately 7 minutes if he will just let him focus on me, my boob, eating. If Scott is in the room when Kendall is nursing, Scott merely has to clear his throat and Kendall begins winding his head around the room looking for him, all the while my nipple is still firmly clamped between those jaws and stretching out like some piece of taffy. Once he locates him, he smiles (but still manages to maintain a firm grip on my nipple, which is now hanging out of the side of his mouth) and then, like he just remembered what he was supposed to be doing, ravenously resumes eating.

As painful as that all may sound, it’s really not that bad now that I’m used to it. What I’m not used to is being BIT. Yeah… it happened. Kendall bit me for the first time this morning while nursing. After the “mother” side of my brain overrode the “get this predator off of you!” side of my brain and prevented me from throwing him across the room, I quickly unlocked his latch, looked at him with what I can only imagine to be a look of complete surprise mixed with a healthy dose of terror, and firmly said, “NO. NO BITING MOMMY. NO.” He looked contemplative for the briefest of moments then smiled and giggled at me. “No, no. No, no, no, no, no. This is NOT funny.” Another giggle. “Crap…”

The kid only has two bottom teeth so far, so no real damage was done… at least, there was no blood. But those top teeth are so very dangerously close to the surface! Once there is some counter pressure… ugh… what am I going to do?! I guess I just have to hope he doesn’t like the taste of blood mixed in with his milk. Or is this like when I first started breastfeeding and it hurt SO BAD and I was missing chunks of flesh from my nipple? Am I going to start building up callouses where he bites me? Will I just have to deal with the carnage for two months until all nerve endings in my nipples are completely shot?

Kendall will be 6 months old in 3 days.

I am solo parenting this week while Scott is out of town for business, and I thought it would be a FABULOUS idea to make a road trip, just me and Kendall, down to Austin for a night to meet up with my sister and best friend for dinner.  Now, don’t get me wrong… I enjoyed the visiting part, but clearly the mom-nesia has already infested my brain, causing me to so quickly forget that my child HATES road trips.  All the fussing aside, it wasn’t that bad, but it was HARD work!  In all my life I have never worked so hard for a plate of enchiladas, a sangria, and some good conversation.

Let’s start with how long it takes to pack the clothes, diapers, toys, pack and play, medicine, and teethers.  It was just the two of us and just one night.  I swear, it had to take me at least an hour and a half to get all this crap together and in the back of the Jeep.  Now, before you go guffawing at my poorly proficient packing skills, please know that this was not an hour and a half of constant attention to the packing process.  No.  Nothing ever these days gets that sort of attention.  The packing process was more like this – put Kendall in the middle of the floor with a bunch of toys, run off to find a bag to throw everything in, run in to check on Kendall and decide it’s best if the dogs are just locked in the other room for now since I will never get anything done if I’m constantly worried that they will step on him, lock up dogs and grab my clothes and makeup, fetch the ball that Kendall has somehow managed to roll across the entire room before he explodes into a ball of fiery pissed-off-ness because he, in fact, can not crawl yet and can’t fetch it himself, dash to the dryer to make sure the diapers are dry, of course…they aren’t, restart the dryer, grab two outfits for Kendal, grab two more (because accidents happen!), run back in for a quick game of peek-a-book with the increasingly annoyed baby….well, I could go on, but I’m sure you’re getting the point.

We finally hit the road a good 45 minutes later than I had planned (and that was giving myself a 30 minute running late cushion).  I decide to stop at Walgreens on the way out to grab some baby Anbesol (thanks, Hunter, for reminding me of this stuff!).  Well, there is no such thing as a quick trip in and out when it’s just you and the baby.  I had to take him out of the car seat, which made him squeal with delight, pop him on my hip and run in – easy as running around with a 20 lb. dumbell that has the ability to move freely and in the opposite direction you are trying to go.  We located the Anbesol and checked out fairly quickly.  I was feeling good.  I put him back in the carseat, which made him shriek with disapproval.  The only thing that gets him to calm down so I can manipulate his arms into the straps is for me to begin singing a song.  Not just any song, it has to be this one -
“Willoughby wallaby Wendall
an elephant sat on Kendall
Willoughby wallaby wommy
an elephant sat on mommy…”
This goes on until we have willoughby-ed him, me, daddy, the dogs and the cat.  I swear, it makes him stop crying and smile 99% of the time.  So clearly my punishment for making him get in the car is to make a complete ass out of myself like his personal court jester.

He’s all strapped in.  In a preemptive strike against the teething screams I decide to go ahead an numb him up with our newest addition to the medicine arsenal.  I open the box only to discover I have to CUT the tube open, and my teeth would not do the trick.  SHIT!!!  I look at Kendall.  He is happily sitting in his seat, strapped and buckled in.  I look at the front door to Walgreens.  It’s maybe ten steps away.  I look around the parking lot, not a soul to be found.  I decide to go for it.  I clench on to my keys so that there would be no way they could slip from my death grip and somehow end up inside the vehicle after I shut the door and somehow lock the doors from the inside.  I shut the door  and lock it and run like a crazy woman in to Walgreens, lock eyes with the first clerk I see and say, “Siccors… I need them… NOW.”  “Uhhh…. well, let’s see here… uhhh..”  Oh shit, I think, I’m going to get arrested.  My child is in my car and I’m not out there and I’m going to get arrested.  The clerk finally looks over at the other register. “Uhh…. Linda?”  I dash over to Linda, swipe the siccors from her hands, clip off the top and dash out just as she’s saying something that sounds like, “Teething, huh?  That’s….”  “Yeah, yeah, thanks!  Bye!” I shout over my shoulder.  I then slipped back inside the Jeep and found Kendall in the exact same position I left him – happily gnawing on his blanket.  Whew!

I thought the most difficult was behind me, at least for the day.  Afterall, I was headed to a place where there would be plenty of people who could help me out if need be.  Kendall passed out thirty minutes into the 4 hour trip, I finished up my large soda about halfway there and figured I’d stop to pee in Waco.  Then, like a ton of bricks, it hit me as I was driving 35.  How the hell did I plan on going pee?  I couldn’t/shouldn’t/wouldn’t leave him in the car for that.  I sure as hell wouldn’t ask someone to hold him.  I didn’t have my Moby wrap with me, and even if I did, I don’t know that that would work so well now that he is long enough to play splish splash with his feet in the toilet bowl.  I considered just holding him, but the thought of all the nasty germy problems that would present themselves ruled that out.  The only solution was to dig the big stroller out from underneath the pack and play and our bags, strap him in and take him into the stall with me.  It worked, but again – so much work!

So to all of you single parents or parents doing this on your own while your partner serves in the millitary or travels – hats off to you!

Kendall is almost 5 months and 3 weeks old

If I would let him, Kendall would sleep all night with my nipple comfortably (for him… not me) resting in his mouth against his gums.  It is the only way I can get him to nod off.  Then my attempts to do the old fake nipple switcheroo with many different brands of pacifiers end up resulting in a pissed off, wide awake, STILL uncomfortable baby.  Poor little guy : (  Of course, I have the whole aresenal of soothing agents and have tried them all.  I have the teething tablets, baby Motrin, frozen teethers, vibrating teethers, soft teethers, hard teethers, and, let us not forget, the farking teething necklace (which I have no idea if the thing actually works because I just can’t bring myself to leave a necklace on a sleeping infant).

Anyway, now I’m exhausted.  Did I mention that already?  Yeah… I’m exhausted.  I can’t even concentrate on typing right now.  I must get to sleep.  I’m sure  he will be awake as soon as the Motrin wears off.  Must. get. some. sleep.

I’m going to guess that Kendall is approaching the six month mark sometime in the not very distant future… will check calendar in the morning to confirm.

Now, who knows how long it will take this sucker to actually come in. Right now the tooth is just chillin’ under the surface, waiting for the perfect time to break through, and causing my newly happy most of time baby to regress to his fussy ways of the days of colic. Of course, nothing within his reach is safe from his slobbering chompers.  This includes a small blanket with a teddy bear head attached to it (much like I would imagine a teddy bear ghost to look like, actually).  He, for lack of a better description, has taken to making out with the tiny teddy bear head, sucking/gnawing on it’s protruding nose and mouth.  Comical, yes, but so far the most effective way to soothe him.

In a, what some would think  but still haven’t said to my face (okay… my sister said it), desperate move to prevent complete teething meltdown, I have adorned my son in a beautiful necklace – an amber teething necklace. Despite the image the name conjures, this is not something he actually chews on.  Instead, the beads are supposed to have some sort of magical pain relieving powers (something about oils seeping into the skin… you can imagine how uncomfortable this whole idea makes my husband).  Apparently, it’s quite popular across the pond, and it was relatively inexpensive so I figured why not?  I told you… I’m bordering desperate.

Here he is, sporting his new bling on his first trip to the park -

To be honest, I can’t tell if it’s working or not.  After posting this picture online it was pointed out to me that it would probably work better if it was resting inside of his shirt and against his skin (derrr…), so I’ve tried to do that all day today.  However, I am more than a little apprehensive putting a necklace on a baby.  Oh… think of the hazards!  (Even though this one is supposedly “safe” for babies when supervised.)  So I feel like I have to watch him constantly and I have to carefully manuever it off of him every time he falls asleep.  I’m thinking it’s more trouble than it’s worth.  But, it does look quite charming on him in a tiny surfer dude way, I think.

So now I wait… In a way I really want this tooth to just hurry up and come through already.  I hate to see him so uncomfortable and out of sorts.  But at the same time all I can think of is the horror of breastfeeding a baby with teeth!!  He is not a gentle eater either.  I’m afraid there will be blood.

5 months and 4 days old