It’s super fun to freak mom out, even in utero.

Posted by on June 10, 2010 14 Comments

Yesterday I was drifting off for my daily, much needed afternoon nap when I caught myself thinking I might have felt the baby. Then I had a hearty laugh and reminded myself I’m only 12 weeks, and no, that was not the baby, more like it was breakfast working it’s way through my digestive track.

I mean, it TOTALLY *felt* like a baby. It really did. It felt like what I used to feel when I’d reach down and rub my tummy while pregnant with Kendall, thinking it was my sweet, active boy. Knowing now what I didn’t know then, though, I know that probably half the time I was oohing and aahing and rubbing and patting, it was just my intestines… cute, maybe? no?… but not a baby. I know this because of the Phantom Baby Kick Phenomenon that occurs long after all inhabitants have exited your uterus.

But, I have to admit, it was fun to get a little carried away, to start thinking about when I really might feel the baby. I fell asleep quite content and happy. I woke up, having to pee, of course, only to have Mother Nature be all “Get ready for an emotional roller coaster, beyotch.” I was spotting/bleeding. Bright pink/reddish. It was more than I’ve spotted this whole pregnancy. I know, I know, spotting is common. Most of the time it’s nothing. I spotted so much with Kendall that really this shouldn’t have alarmed me, except I just haven’t spotted much with this pregnancy, and I was really liking that sense of security that came with it. I wasn’t bracing myself for what I saw on the toilet paper yesterday. Not like I used to with Kendall. Every time I went to the bathroom last pregnancy, I was like, “No whammies, no whammies,” before I’d wipe. This just came out of nowhere.

So we moved my 12 week appointment, set for early next week, up to today. I did my best not to freak out all morning, although my best sucked. Fact- I will ALWAYS be a bitch the morning of any prenatal appointment. Fact- I will try to pick fights with my husband.

So we sat in the waiting room for what seemed like a FREAKING ETERNITY, and my phone rang. It was Kendall’s Mother’s Day Out Program. I held my breath. “Mrs. Krause? Kendall had an accident. We want to let you know what’s going on and you can choose to come get him if you’d like.” Shit.

The tone of her voice made me envision broken bones and stitches. The office is 3o minutes from the church he’s at. I braced myself.

“Kendall was running in the gym and he fell and hit his head. He has a pretty big bump, but we put ice on it and we’ve monitored it. We’ve checked his pupils and we’ve kept and eye on him for nausea and sleepiness.”

Waiting…silence.. and?

“So, if it makes you feel better, you’re welcome to come check him out and make sure he’s okay.”

“Is he bleeding? Is he crying still?”

“No. He’s not bleeding. It’s just a pretty big bump on his forehead. He stopped crying when we took the ice off.”

Noggin bumps are a pretty common occurrence for us. Hell, they’d done 10 times more than I’ve ever done when he hit his head. He’s in much better hands there than he is with me, apparently.

“You know, I’m not worried. Sounds like you guys handled it well, and as long as he seems to be okay, I’ll just wait to pick him up at the end of the day.’

All that commotion certainly helped get my mind off the worry, and I had to laugh. Am I too nonchalant a parent? Am I callous and cold? I know they were doing their job, and I’m so glad they keep me in the loop. I just hope they don’t think I’m uncaring for not opting to go check him out.

Finally the nurse called us back, took my weight, made me pee in a cup, get undressed from the waist down, then wait ANOTHER ETERNITY in the ultrasound room. Fact- I will not indulge my husband in small talk while in the ultrasound room no matter how hard he tries. Fact- He will most likely annoy the shit out of me.

The OB checked out my cervix and reminded me about the polyps that were there. I knew this at the last appointment, but never thought to attribute the bleeding to them since the bleeding seemed to come from nowhere (i.e. my husband was out of town at the time I started bleeding if you know what I mean). She told me to just reside myself to random bleeding throughout the pregnancy. Super.

Then she sent the dildo cam up on an expedition. I turned my head, closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see anything bad come up on the screen. I held my breath until I heard the words, “Wow. Big baby!” I slowly turned and looked. Oh my. There it was. A fully formed little baby, doing a little jig. “There’s the heartbeat,” and then it happened. I cried tears of relief.  It stretched out and danced around. We got some great pictures and even saw a tiny little profile. Fact- I will thank everyone in the room profusely after I see my healthy baby.

It never gets easier, does it? I was explaining to Scott on the drive there that it’s the strangest thing, being solely responsible for growing a person, and yet having no control over it.

So, all’s well that ends well. It was a fun 24 hours that I’d like to not repeat again for a while, BOTH of my babies giving me a heart attack. I’m hoping for an uneventful 16 week appointment, and then I’m sure I’ll be a bitchy fireball of nerves again before the “big” ultrasound.

Fact- My husband is a saint for putting up with me. Fact- He knew what he was getting into before he married me, so I don’t feel too bad.

I’m 12 weeks pregnant, Kendall is 2 (and the bump doesn’t look too bad… relatively speaking)

*** #helpSam UPDATE!! ***

We have officially passed our SUPER AWESOME goal of $7,500 to help the Sartin Family! Thank you, thank you, thank you!! We still have today and all of tomorrow left to get funds in, so let’s just see how far we can take it. I think $8,000 is definitely attainable and who knows, maybe we’ll even make it to $8,500?!

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Boy, oh boy! No more worries.

Posted by on December 2, 2007 7 Comments

Whew! What a week! Sorry for the lack of posts lately…the holidays and all. Not that I don’t have plenty to write about. Let’s see…we’ll dedicate this post to the biggest news I have for you – IT’S A BOY! But there’s so much more to the story than just that.

I’ve touched on this before – that worry is something that consumes so much of you when you’re pregnant – okay, maybe using “you” is an over generalization…maybe it’s just me that worries this much. I will just say that before I got pregnant I always thought I’d be the most laid back pregnant woman. I mean, I’m type A and all and love to plan, but I generally try not to worry about things I have no control over in other areas of my life. So I NEVER thought I’d spend the whole first trimester fearing the sight of spotting every time I had to pee, or putting myself on bedrest “just in case” the first few times I did experience spotting. Yes, I know that that didn’t prevent anything, but at the time it was the only thing that I could control and made me feel like I was helping, being cautious, being a good mother. Just to expand a little more on this first trimester experience – I spotted from week 5 through week 8 nearly every day and then sporadically for a few more weeks after that. It was terrifying and stressful and really opened my eyes to how different pregnancy was making me. I was responsible for another life, and even though that life was still so incredibly new, that didn’t make it any less important than if I was trying to keep a grown child alive, at least in my mind.

I eventually stopped spotting and thought my worries were behind me. I was almost through the first trimester and “in the clear”. Our 12 week appointment was supposed to be a really exciting milestone for us – hearing the heartbeat for the first time. I admit that the nurse did warn me that not everyone can hear it that early and to not freak out if they couldn’t find it. Well….they couldn’t find it….and I sure as hell freaked the fuck out. It seemed like an eternity until she came back in the room with the ultrasound machine and located the heartbeat on the screen. Tears of relief streamed down my face. My husband said he didn’t understand what I was so worried about. I didn’t expect him to.

We finally heard the heartbeat on the doppler at 16 weeks and were thrilled to schedule the “BIG” ultrasound for 18 weeks 3 days. However, I was pretty surprised to find that over the course of the two weeks between appointments I wasn’t nearly as excited about the ultrasound as I thought I would be. This was going to be the big moment…boy or girl! How could I not be excited? The thing is, I didn’t care if it was a boy or girl…I just wanted everything to look good, healthy, in the right place. And so the worry began again…

I usually get apprehensive about appointments about 48 hours in advance. It doesn’t consume me or anything, just passing thoughts and concerns. The hour before the appointment is the worst, and sitting in the waiting room never seems to help. When we got called in to the ultrasound room I was on edge and put off by how short the tech was with me. I thought, “I don’t have the patience to deal with not nice people today.” I laid back on the paper covered half bed, slightly annoyed, but it all melted away when she put the wand on my belly and there it was – a very clear picture of a baby. My baby finally looked like a baby, with legs and arms and a sweet face! No more blob for us!

After thirty minutes of checking out his bones, brain and organs she finally asked if we wanted to know and then zoomed in on what was very clearly a little penis. It’s a boy! She left saying she needed to check that she got all the pictures our doctor needed and that she’d be right back. My husband and I took in the news and in a few minutes she returned with a doctor…my stomach dropped. This could not be good.

It turns out our baby boys bladder is on the cusp of being a little too full and may not be emptying properly. The doctor explained that she wanted to see us back in the third trimester to see if it would correct itself. If it doesn’t, he will need treatment after he’s born. Of course, in my panicked state I thought the worst. Is this a sign of something bigger? Is he deformed? Will he live? I was calmed minutes later when she explained that it’s common among boys and will not hurt him for the time being. That tech even redeemed herself by doing her best to set my mind at ease.

At lunch after the appointment I managed to snap myself out of it. Our baby is healthy. He is surviving and thriving and we are so lucky, and my constant worrying had nothing to do with that. We could have received news much worse than that. So I have decided to try really hard to not let worry get to me the rest of the pregnancy. Yes, I’ll still have my concerns, but instead I’m going to focus on the positive and let go of what I can’t control – like I do with nearly everything else in my life.

Now that I’m saving so much time not worrying I have lots of time to think about having a boy! OMG, a boy! I don’t think I have the slightest idea of what to do with a boy. One thing is for sure though, if he’s anything like my husband and all his brothers, I can kiss every nice thing I own goodbye. I am currently researching the cost of all rubber furniture.

18 weeks 5 days

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We saw the baby, and I don’t like chocolate…

Posted by on August 29, 2007 7 Comments

Two very reassuring signs that all is well with this pregnancy.  The spotting that freaked me out was very insignificant, and by the time I made it to the OB’s office yesterday, I felt guilty for even being there.  I felt like I should have the Niagara Falls of blood gushing down my legs to justify the intensity of terror that I was feeling.  One of the very good things that came out of my visit though was that I LOVE my OB’s office.  The doctor I met with was BEYOND helpful and reassuring, and even went out of his way to convince me that I did the right thing by coming in (although I know deep down I was no different to him than the millions of other paranoid freak first time pregnant women he’s dealt with).

My husband came along, and even though I wanted to strangle him for telling me to just “calm down”, I knew he was just as scared as I was.  Not only did he do a remarkable job maintaining his calm demeanor as another man shoved foreign objects up my vagina in front of him, but he also managed to hold back the majority of his OCD and germaphobe fueled comments and questions.  He admitted to me at lunch after the appointment that he was really concerned that the speculum hadn’t been cleaned properly.  He asked if I could feel if it was dirty, and confessed that he was “this close” to asking the doctor if he had sterilized that since the last patient!  And I assure you this was a visibly reputable establishment.  I didn’t go meet up with some hillbilly doctor in the back of his Chevy El Camino.

The paranoia worked in our favor this time.  We got to see our first glimpse of the teensy, tiny, itty- bitty life growing inside of me.  We couldn’t see a heartbeat yet, but the doctor assured us that everything was looking just right for how far along I am.  And now I’m going to do that thing that all new soon to be mothers do that the rest of the never been pregnant world can’t understand, nor is interested in.  I’m going to show you my ultrasound picture….and you most likely will cock your head to the side, try for half a second to figure out where the hell the baby is, and move on…that’s okay.  I want to show it anyway.

Awwww!!!  Okay, now that that is out of my system ( at least for a few more weeks) I will end this entry by saying that it’s crazy how much you WANT to feel sick when you are pregnant.  Not that I enjoy it.  I personally despise feeling like I need to puke all the time, and that I may pass out at any moment from the insane dizzy spells I’ve been having lately, but it tells me that there indeed is some foreign body growing in me that is so healthy that even at the size of an apple seed it has the power to make me see stars when I stand up too quickly and to make me dry heave at the mere thought of certain smells.

My final sign of reassurance at my appointment came as we were checking out.  The receptionist had some of those Rocher chocolates on her counter for the patients, and I thought I should try to eat one since I was feeling so dizzy.  As soon as I bit into it, I discretely spit it right back out.  NO amount of hunger or dizziness could have made that chocolate taste good to me.  Now that, my friends, is all the evidence in the world that I need to let me know someone else has taken over my body – the fact that I would much rather have a fresh tomato or pickled okra over a whole box of chocolates.

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Maybe not so irrational fear

Posted by on August 28, 2007 7 Comments

I’m afraid I’m going to lose the baby. I woke up today to find some light pink spotting. Of course, it freaked me the fuck out and I braced myself for the worst. I called my OB, who I haven’t even met at this point, and have an appt. scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. I was fully prepared for that light pink spotting to turn to red clotting and a miscarriage because I obsess like that. Fortunately, the spotting never returned or got worse. I did give myself permission to stay in bed all day, watching my new favorite channel – Discovery Health.

I was trying to distract myself with shows that showed happy endings, Birth Day, Bringing Home Baby, etc. However, I couldn’t stop over-analyzing every little twinge I have felt the last few days, and wondering if the seemingly small decrease in nausea, exhaustion and cramping in the last couple days means that my body is no longer growing a healthy baby. Or that the MAJOR increase in dizziness means that I’m bleeding internally or having and ectopic pregnancy.

I’ve remained cautiously optimistic since we got the good news, but it still doesn’t make it any easier to face the fact that there is a very real possibility that things will go wrong. Even if I’m fine now, there is always going to be something to worry about. I finally let myself relax a little this weekend, window shopped for baby stuff, even contemplated telling family and friends a little earlier…I was really letting myself get excited – then BAM! This happens and puts me right back in my “hope for the best, expect the worst” state of mind.

It’s strange because I generally classify myself as a very optimistic person, and I am typically very good about rolling with the punches, but this pregnancy stuff is throwing me for a loop. And I know it won’t just end with the pregnancy. Today was one of those days that really pounded home the fact that 1. getting to the point where you can give birth to a healthy baby really is a miracle, and 2. the worrying will never end. I will spend the rest of my life worried for this person.

I am now terrified of my appointment tomorrow. I am bracing myself for bad news even though I know that I am most likely just fine. I know that this type of spotting is common this stage in pregnancy. I’ve read plenty of books and articles that say not to worry…but I just can’t not worry.

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