Confessions of a Ferber Flunkie

So I made a promise to myself back at the beginning of the month to blog more and then broke it about a day later.   It’s pretty much impossible to blog more when your brain isn’t functioning,  and your child is screaming at you 90% of the time he’s awake.  I think all of that could be overcome, however, if he wasn’t also screaming at me ALL NIGHT LONG.  I have no idea what has happened in the last week, but it’s so bad that even Ferber can’t help us.  I think the only thing we can do is perform an exorcism because, clearly, my son is possessed.

Now, I completely understand that he was sick last weekend and the beginning of this week, and I know he’s also cutting molars (STILL…probably will be FOREVER), but now add to that his sudden discovery of the temper tantrum and a healthy dose of separation anxiety, and it seems we are in the eye of the perfect storm of infant irritability.

It is beyond me how one little person can make so much noise and carry on for so long.  He’s impossible to please.  He wants up, I pick him up, he pushes me and wants down, I put him down, he pulls on my pants and tries to bite the back of my knees, I sit to hold him on my lap,  I have even begun DVRing Sesame Street to show him Elmo, he flings himself backward and screams, I put him down with some toys, he climbs back up on my lap and proceeds to hit me.  WTF, little man, WTF?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!  Now, NOW would be an excellent time to learn to talk, sign, draw, mime, some form of communication other than the incessant screams that I can’t decipher.

We’ve been to the pediatrician and the ER in the last week.  No signs of anything unusual going on.  The virus he had last weekend is gone, no ear infection.  I’m ashamed to admit, I was actually a tad disappointed the pediatrician didn’t see an ear infection.  Not because I wanted him to have one, but because at least that could explain what is going on.  Nope, he looks perfectly happy and healthy to her.  Of course he was a sweet angel full of smiles and giggles and puppies at the appointment.  It’s a shame, really, that she doesn’t do midnight house calls.

Every night this week has been increasingly hellish.  He is waking at least 4 times, and will scream non-stop for up to 2 hours.  Now, WAIT…just wait… all of you about to jump all over my case for letting my son scream for 2 hours at night.  No. That is not what’s going on here.  I’m not just lying in my bed with the monitor off, sleeping all peaceful with my dreams of Justin Timberlake and clearance sales at Express.  Much of that time that he’s screaming we are in his room with him.  Yes, that’s right!  We are holding him, rocking him, rubbing his head, he is still screaming.  Please understand that when I say he’s screaming, it’s not an exaggeration, but it’s not like an “I’m in pain” scream.  It’s an “I’m so freaking pissed that you are making me go to sleep AGAIN” scream.  This is not the kind of cry or fuss that I used to be able to listen to for the 5-10 minutes it would take for him to fall asleep with the Ferber method.

I am such a Ferber Failure.  I’ve gone back to nursing him 2 times a night just so we can all get some sleep.  Even though, most of the time that still doesn’t do much to soothe him.  Co-sleeping is not an option for us.  NONE of us sleep well co-sleeping, especially Kendall, who tends to sleep crawl and headbutt me.  Plus, if he screams while we hold him and rock him, I doubt he will want to snuggle or cuddle.  We give him infant Motrin for teething pain, and teething tablets.  I have no reason to think he’s got any sort of tummy pain or gas.  I’m at a loss.  Each night I think it’s going to get better, and it only gets worse. What am I doing wrong?  Is it getting worse because we aren’t doing Ferber anymore?  Is it Daylight Savings Time?  Is he testing us?  Is this separation anxiety?  Is Freddy Krueger haunting his dreams?

Please.  Insight.  Help.

Kendall is 10 months, 1 week and 4 days old

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The Parent’s Complicated Relationship With Coffee

Coffee used to be a fun thing to go “do” on a break at work.  Going to have coffee implied relaxation, conversation, good times.  It was a reward for a good job done, or an incentive to get off my ass and finish a project as soon as I got back to the office.  Coffee didn’t used to be complicated, but having a baby complicates a lot of things, coffee being one of them.

It starts when you’re pregnant.   “Should I not drink this coffee?” you think to yourself.  You read the scary reports, get the snide side-eye looks when you stand in line for your daily jolt, you cut back.  Then you have the baby.  “Ahhh!! The fetus will no longer be affected by the sea of bold roast it could be swimming in.  I’m free!!” you think to yourself.  Then the pediatrician hands you a list of things you absolutely shouldn’t be eating or drinking while breastfeeding and caffeine is at the top.  “WTF?!” you scream in your head.  “How the HELL am I supposed to get through life with a sleepless newborn without caffeine?!  Why didn’t anyone alert me to this while I was pregnant?”  You are mad, you try to live without coffee.  Despite your valiant attempts  to find other means of keeping yourself awake, you realize you are a raving bitch AND your baby STILL has colic.  “Well, forget that,” you think.  “If you are still going to spend over half of your waking day screaming, I’m going to at least listen to it while enjoying a frothy latte.”

Once the baby is here, coffee is no longer the relaxing thing to go “do”.  A trip to the coffee shop means hauling in a diaper bag, infant seat, hooter hider or bottle, and don’t forget the actual baby.  You are now *that person*  the one that everyone curses the minute they walk through the door.  Because, honestly, did you ever want to listen to a crying baby when you were relaxing and enjoying a coffee between business meetings?  You go only when the baby is sleeping.  Timing is everything.  That is until the day the baby wakes with poop oozing out all sides of his diaper.  You run to the fancy private bathrooms, only to realize that the place you pay hundreds of dollars a year to provide you a hot cup of brew can’t shell out the $250 it would take to put a changing table in their extra large, well decorated restrooms. Asshats.  Clearly your loyalty to them over the years means nothing once you become a parent, because parents don’t “do” coffee.

Yes, parents don’t “do” coffee, parents NEED THEIR FUCKING COFFEE.  You resort to the drive through, though there are many times you can’t get your order out over the noise of the screaming baby in the back seat.  You grow impatient  “Does the FLIPPING barista NOT realize that the noise they are hearing over the loudspeaker is CLEARLY my child having a meltdown and NO I would NOT like to sample the farking OATMEAL today,” you say under your breath, half hoping they heard you.  Due to a combination of factors, including lack of time, lack of disposable income, lack of patience, and a small personal protest against the place that betrays you with no changing tables, you start making coffee at home.

Coffee at home is even more complicated.  Grinding beans and pouring water requires more focus than one would imagine.  Some days you need coffee just to make the coffee.  Some days you need coffee to remember that you made coffee.  Your husband sets up the autobrew for you, but you nearly piss yourself when you wake one morning to what sounds like the next Texas Chainsaw Massacre in your kitchen.  That effing bean grinder is loud, and so help me God, if that wakes the baby….

Then there is the eternal internal debate.  “Do I drink the coffee now, at this early morning hour?  If I do, surely that will ruin any chances I have of catching a nap when the baby goes to sleep in a couple hours.”
After much waffling, you pry your bleary eyes open for two hours of baby food and Jumperoo and Peek-a-boo until the kiddo is worn out.  He finally goes down for a nap.  You turn on the monitor, head back to bed, snuggle up under the warm covers, begin to drift off to sleep… and the SON OF A BITCH!  The baby is awake after only 20 minutes.  It’s going to be one of those days, and you haven’t even had any coffee  yet.

Kendall is 8 months 1 week and 4 days old

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God bless you, Dr. Ferber

It worked!  Well, I guess I should say it’s working.  After speed reading some key chapters in Dr. Ferber’s book last week, we started implementing the modified version of crying it out this weekend.  After just a couple days, I slept for 8.5 hours, pretty much uninterrupted, for the first time last night in I don’t even know how long.  It was more peaceful than sleep ever was during pregnancy.  There was no back pain to deal with, no Snoogle to fight with, no trips to the bathroom, and best of all, NO FEEDING THE BABY!!

I know all you sleep deprived mothers are dying to know all the details, so here you go:

Friday night – Night 1
Kendall went down at his normal bedtime, 7:30, after his usual routine of bath, lotion, jammies, rock and nurse. (Yes, I’m still nursing  him to sleep or drowsy.  I will elaborate more on this later)

He woke for the first time at 11:30.  I had Scott go in and check on him right away.  He then left and we let Kendall cry for about 5 minutes.  His cries actually had started to taper off around 3 minutes, but then they picked backup so I had Scott go back in just to pat his back and reassure him.  The whole time I lay there in bed listening on the monitor, and this second visit pissed Kendall off royally.  It really escalated his cries and then I felt bad for even having Scott go in there a second time.  Scott said he was laying there, throwing his arms up in the air, demanding to be picked up.  I thought for sure we were in for a battle.  I was preparing myself for the heartbreak.  Then, to my surprise and utter delight, a few minutes after Scott left the room for the second time Kendall quickly calmed down and went right to sleep.  No drama, no vomitting, no choking on his own spit.  It was amazing.

He woke again briefly at 12:30, but only half assed the cries this time around and I knew he was too tired to fight it.  Sure enough, he put himself back to sleep in just a few minutes and we never had to check on him.

At 1:30 I decided to go ahead and feed him when he woke up, then he slept until 5:30 when I fed him again.

Night one was a relative success with us getting down to only 2 night feedings, which was a wonderful change for the 4 nightfeedings we had been dealing with for the last month.

Saturday night – Night 2
Kendall went down a little later than usual.  It was closer to 8:30, I think.  Again, we followed the routine of bath, lotion, jammies, rock and nurse.

After a few hours of quiet and no wakings, I decided to go ahead and top him off at 12 before going to bed with what they call a “dreamfeed”.  My theory was I was pretty sure he was going to wake up in an hour or so anyway and I’d rather deal with this now than wake up from a comfy sleep in an hour.  It was a good thing I did, because as I rocked him I kept thinking to myself, “Gah… your room smells FOUL!  WTF?  Is there a dirty diaper hiding somewhere in here?  Geez… I just cleaned your room really well.  Hmmm… wait a sec… that smell seems to be coming from…. ahhh, shit.  You have a dirty diaper.”  Yeah, I came to this realization right at the end of his feeding.  So I had to change his diaper and wake him up.  I thought we were doomed, but was totally surprised and relieved again when I laid him down awake in his crib and he put himself back to sleep in a matter of minutes.

He woke again at 5:15 and I had Scott go in to check on him.  He only had to check on him once this time and then Kendall was back to sleep within a couple minutes of Scott leaving his room.  Total awake time being less than 10 minutes, and the crying was really tame too.  More of a whine and fake cry than anything.

Next thing I know it’s 8:15 and am I being woken by the noise of a crying baby? No!  Instead, Scott is waking me and tells me that Kendall is playing with my sister (who came in for a visit) in the other room.  Was he starving?  No!  He was happy and playing.  Of course, I did insist that he nurse right away before my breasts exploded, and he did get down to business and seriously put away some boobie, but that was fine by me!

Sunday night – Night 3
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it… so I stuck with the same bedtime routine (although we were back at 7:30 instead of 8:30) and dreamfed him at 11:30.

He woke again at 5:30 as Scott was getting ready for work.  I think it was the noise that bothered him since his room backs up to our bathroom.  I vaguely remember Scott going in to check on him once, and I’m pretty sure he conked out shortly after that.  I’m happy to report that the details are all fuzzy because I was in and out of sleep.  Scott knew the drill and took care of everything.

At 8:15 I got up, refreshed, rejuvenated, ready to take over the world!  I found Kendall happily playing with his feet in his crib.  I promptly attached him to the boob that felt the closest to popping and then dreamed of all the many things I can get done today.

Now, maybe I’m totally jinxing myself (wouldn’t be the first time), but this whole process was far easier than I expected.  I would say that Kendall actually got more sleep and cried less than when I was allowing him to wake up and eat at will throughout the night.  We have all been happier, better rested, he’s resisting naps less, and I’m pretty sure that if I end up paying for his therapy in the future, this will not be the reason.

We are still nursing to sleep at night because it works for us and I like it (I KNOW!  I like it… I really am now one of those moms who will be sad when her baby stops breastfeeding).  I know we will eventually have to phase that out, but I’m waiting until we have all the nighttime feedings eliminated first and that will be the last thing we work on.

I guess we will stick with the 11:30 dreamfeed for now, at least untiil after the new year.  Then I will try to drop that, as well.  But, as it stands now, I am one happy momma.  He may not be the poster child for Ferberizing yet.  He is still nursing to sleep and eating at least once a night, but if I’m getting my 8 hours of sleep, I’m a happy camper.

I really hope that gave some of you a  little bit of hope!  Maybe for Christmas YOU’LL get a silent night, too :)

Kendall is almost 7 and a half months old.

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What is my sleep philosophy?

I was asked this in a previous post, so allow me to answer.  I believe in the power of sleep.  I cherish it and think it is a vital part of a healthy life.  I also believe that preventing someone from sleeping is a form of torture and that willingly preventing yourself from sleeping is a form of insanity. My philosophy is that we should all get some more f-ing sleep in this house!!!  With this said, it is clear that my sweet, chubby cheeked child has, sometime in the last few weeks, transformed into a demented villain, sent to terrorize me for the rest of my life.  Perhaps this sounds a bit of an exaggeration to you?  I would bet that you have slept more than 3 hours in a row at some point in the last two weeks.  I sound crazy because I am on the verge of insanity brought on by lack of sleep.

When I brought him home from the hospital and he woke every two hours it indeed sucked.  However, I was somewhat mentally prepared for all of that and got myself through it by chasing that magical carrot that is sleeping through the night at some point shortly after the newborn stage.  Milestones  have come and gone.  He has mastered the dead man’s crawl so well that he has come dangerously close to making it into the dog’s water before I have had a chance to poke my head in and out of the refrigerator.  He is recognizing some of the baby sign language signs already.   He has 6 teeth!!  He still does not sleep through the night.

As I have recently elaborated on, he not only doesn’t sleep through the night, but is now waking all the time.  All. the. time, people.  Just when I fall asleep there he is on the monitor!  Yes, yes… I wait to see if it will become crying or if he will just fall back to sleep.  Although I don’t know what good that is doing anyone.  I’m still not sleeping if I am laying there listening to him.  90% of the time it escalates and he is not going back to sleep.  So off I go with the magical boobs in tow, or Scott will wake and bring him to the magical boobs.  Then we all settle in for our next 2 to three hours of sleep.  In addition to this madness, he is now fighting naps so hard that I’m beginning to worry if Freddy Kruegar is waiting for him in his dreams.

Today we had planned to get the house baby proofed, clean up a little, hang some curtains, and decorate for Christmas.  Not lofty plans by any means.  Did we accomplish these things?  No.  Instead, I spent the day fighting to get Kendall to take a nap.  The WHOLE day was one giant mess because he refused to sleep.

Okay… I guess you get the point now.  He won’t sleep.  Sorry for the tirade.  Anyway, I’m dead set on getting my nights back.  We must ALL get our nights back, including Kendall.  It can not be healthy for him to spend his days so tired, yet so dead set against sleep.  So…. I sit here typing with Dr. Richard Ferber’s book to my left.  It is patiently waiting for me to pick it up and read it (yet, I am faced with another dilemma which is who on earth has time and energy to read a book about how to get your baby to sleep when the baby is currently NOT sleeping and you’re exhausted to the point of delirium?).

That’s right folks.  I will be letting my child cry it out.  I will be Ferberizing.  You may think what you want, as I’m sure there are plenty of you cringing as you read this, plenty of you already feeling sorry for my child.  Allow me to clarify that I do this out of love for him, and yes, admittedly out of the need for a somewhat normal sleep routine around here.  I have been fighting a cough/head cold/sinus infection for going on three weeks now.  I am not a good mother to my son when I can not function.  I can not function on no sleep.

So there.  I’m doing it.  And I’m sure you all know that I will keep you informed on how it goes down.  In the meantime, I leave you with this hilarious email forward that was posted on thebump.com not too long ago.  I found it funny at the time.  I find it scary accurate now.  I do not know who the orginal author was… surely some wise baby who is the Hitler of the baby sleep strike movent.  Enjoy.

Sleeping through the night: A baby’s point of view

OK, here’s my situation. My Mommy has had me for
almost 7 months. The first few months were great—I

cried, she picked me up and fed me, anytime, day or
night. Then something happened.

Over the last few weeks, she has been trying to STTN
(sleep thru the night).

At first, I thought it was just a phase, but it is
only getting worse. I’ve talked to other babies, and
it seems like it’s pretty common after Mommies have
had us for around 6 months.

Here’s the thing: these Mommies don’t really need to
sleep. It’s just a habit. Many of them have had some
30 years to sleep–they just don’t need it anymore.
So I am implementing a plan. I call it the Crybaby
Shuffle.

It goes like this:

Night 1–cry every 3 hours until you get fed.

Iknow, it’s hard. It’s hard to see your Mommy upset
over your crying. Just keep reminding yourself, it’s
for her own good.

Night 2–cry every 2 hours until you get fed.

Night 3–every hour.

Most Mommies will start to respond more quickly
after about 3 nights.
Some Mommies are more alert, and may resist the
change longer. These Mommies may stand in your
doorway for hours, shhhh-ing. Don’t give in. I
cannot stress this enough: CONSISTENCY IS KEY!!

If you let her STTN (sleep through the night), just
once, she will expect it every night. I KNOW IT’S
HARD! But she really does not need the sleep, she is
just resisting the change.

If you have an especially alert Mommy, you can stop
crying for about 10 minutes, just long enough for
her to go back to bed and start to fall asleep. Then
cry again. It WILL eventually work. My Mommy once
stayed awake for 10 hours straight, so I know she
can do it. Last night, I cried every hour. You just
have to decide to stick to it and just go for it.

BE CONSISTENT! I cried for any reason I could come
up with.
My sleep sack tickled my foot.
I felt a wrinkle under the sheet.
My mobile made a shadow on the wall.
I burped, and it tasted like pears (I hadn’t eaten
pears since lunch – what’s up with that?)
The dog said ‘woof’ (I should know. My Mommy reminds
me of this about 20 times a day. LOL.)
Once I cried just because I liked how it sounded
when it echoed on the monitor in the other room.
Too hot, too cold, just right–doesn’t matter! Keep
crying!!
It took awhile, but it worked. She fed me at 4am.
Tomorrow night, my goal is 3:30am.
You need to slowly shorten the interval between
feedings in order to reset your Mommies’ internal
clocks.

P.S. Don’t let those rubber things fool you, no
matter how long you suck on them, NO milk will come
out! Trust me.

Kendall is 7 months and 5 days old

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