It’s a Sunday. It’s a playoff game day. I know better than to attempt to grocery shop on days like this, but we needed beer and I needed a break from every breathing thing in this house.
I aimlessly wandered through the packed aisles, indulging in many impulse buys. I headed toward the front of the store with my cart full of cinnamon rolls and Little Debbie brownies, beer, and not very eco-friendly laundry soap (because I neglected to re-order the “green” stuff in time). A quick glance told me it wasn’t going to be easy to get out of the store. For one, I was going to have to claw my way into a line through the sea of chaos.
And then? Well, what line do I choose? The self-checkout lines were half the length of the others, and there were about twice as many to choose from. It seemed my choice was made for me. Obviously, it’s been too long since I last ventured out to grocery shop since I clearly forgot how MIND NUMBINGLY STUPID self-checkout robots are and how they make me want to smash my clenched fist through their STUPID ROBOT FACE/SCREEN.
Please scan your frequent shoppers card.
Scan
Please scan your frequent shoppers card.
Scan
Please scan your frequent shoppers card.
S-C-A-N
Please scan your frequent shoppers card.
“I did!”
An attendant has been alerted to help you.
“You have to wait 10 seconds before trying to scan it again, ma’am.”
::scowl, count to 10:: SCAN
Welcome valued customer! Please scan your first item.
Scan cinnamon rolls
An attendant has been alerted to help you.
“It’s the wind, ma’am. Every time the door opens it’s going to alert me to help you. Just keep scanning.”
::deep sigh, scan, put item in the bag I brought::
Unidentified item in the bagging area. Please remove the item from the bagging area.
::pause, fumble, pick up bag::
An attendant has been alerted to help you.
“Seriously? SERIOUSLY.”
::attendant is visibly annoyed::
::am now resisting the urge to loudly argue with a robot::
Please scan your next item.
Scan
Item not recognized. Please re-scan the item.
Scan.
Item not recognized. Please-
S-C-A-N
An attendant has been alerted to help you.
“Please remove the item from the scanner and wait 10 seconds before trying again, ma’am.”
::roll. eyes. hard.::
Scan, place item in re-usable bag.
Unidentified item in the bagging area. Please remove the item from the bagging area.
::consider, perhaps, the self-checkout robot is in business with plastic bag makers and those who chant “drill, baby, drill,” because it’s obviously not a friend of the re-usable bag and must be an EARTH KILLER::
An attendant has been alerted to help you.
::attendant doesn’t even make any more excuses, fears me for sure at this point, presses buttons on master control self-checkout robot’s face and moves on::
An attendant has been alerted to help you.
::notice the door opened again, thus upsetting the ever so delicate robot with it’s chilly draft, wait for attendant to actually “help”::
(Repeat previous 12 lines x 10, equalling approximately 15 minutes and 15 assists from the attendant from the first item to the last.)
::Ready, FINALLY, to check out, push button saying so::
Do you have any coupons?
NO. (Good Lord, could you imagine the clusterfuck that would be?)
Do you have any items under your cart?
NO. (But I wish I had a sledgehammer to BREAK YOUR FACE.)
Please choose your method of payment.
::push credit button::
::wait::
::notice I am now to swipe card in credit card machine adjacent to jerk-face self-checkout robot, swipe::
::wait::
::notice I am now to switch my full attention back to jerk-face self-checkout robot to press the credit button again::
::wait::
::notice I am now to switch BACK to credit card machine to enter my pin number::
Thank you for shopping with us. Please remember to take your receipt.
::search for receipt in all obvious places before discovering the machine spit it out at crotch level::
::load up bags, resist urge to light store on fire as I leave::
I actually feel less frustrated trying to communicate with my curious, demanding, stubborn, tantruming nearly 3 year old. So much for a “relaxing” escape to the grocery store.
Kendall is 2 2/3 and Leyna is almost 4 weeks old. And tomorrow I will attempt to survive my first day as a SAHM to 2!