Ugh. Just heard a report on the news that a 2 month old was found dead in Ft. Worth, stuck in a crack between the bed and the wall. WHY do I now, since having a baby, have the freakish, super human ability to vividly envision this and any other scenario that involves babies/children, death, blood, bodily harm? And I can’t stop it. I can’t. It’s like as soon as I hear about anything like this, it’s there, the vision. It’s there, it’s real, and all I can do is shudder and will it away.  But will it go away? No, it will be there all night. I will think about it all week. It will play itself out in my mind like a horror movie that I can’t stop.

I’ve struggled with what I’ve called “mommy visions” since Kendall was born. Perhaps the strongest, most frightening, most suffocating, most gut wrenching one I ever had to shake from the depths of my inner being was the vision of accidentally dropping Kendall over the top of the railing on the 4th floor of Embassy suites when he was nearly 5 months old. I am not exaggerating when I say that I was shaking in bed that night, wanting to puke, tossing and turning, the scene playing over and over in my head. It is probably the closest I’ve ever felt to a panic attack. I could not take Kendall beyond the threshold of the room door without securely strapping him into his lower than the railing stroller seat the entire time we were there.

I chalked it up to new mom nerves, a newborn that rarely slept and hormones, thinking for sure these visions would back off. While I can say that I haven’t had such a guttural reaction to one since, I tend to think it’s only because I’ve learned how to deal with them better and not because they’ve decreased in frequency and intensity.

I was incredibly relieved to talk to a friend today who happens to have a little girl around Kendall’s age and hear that she, too, suffers the same, vivid, horrible, disgusting visions.  So I guess this is all just part of motherhood? It doesn’t ever go away?  I would really like it if it did. I didn’t ask for this super power, and it didn’t come with a cool cape or anything. I don’t even get to be invisible.

Kendall is 17 months and three days old… and now I’m off to go check on him, watch him sleep and make sure he’s breathing