I’m afraid I’m going to lose the baby. I woke up today to find some light pink spotting. Of course, it freaked me the fuck out and I braced myself for the worst. I called my OB, who I haven’t even met at this point, and have an appt. scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. I was fully prepared for that light pink spotting to turn to red clotting and a miscarriage because I obsess like that. Fortunately, the spotting never returned or got worse. I did give myself permission to stay in bed all day, watching my new favorite channel – Discovery Health.

I was trying to distract myself with shows that showed happy endings, Birth Day, Bringing Home Baby, etc. However, I couldn’t stop over-analyzing every little twinge I have felt the last few days, and wondering if the seemingly small decrease in nausea, exhaustion and cramping in the last couple days means that my body is no longer growing a healthy baby. Or that the MAJOR increase in dizziness means that I’m bleeding internally or having and ectopic pregnancy.

I’ve remained cautiously optimistic since we got the good news, but it still doesn’t make it any easier to face the fact that there is a very real possibility that things will go wrong. Even if I’m fine now, there is always going to be something to worry about. I finally let myself relax a little this weekend, window shopped for baby stuff, even contemplated telling family and friends a little earlier…I was really letting myself get excited – then BAM! This happens and puts me right back in my “hope for the best, expect the worst” state of mind.

It’s strange because I generally classify myself as a very optimistic person, and I am typically very good about rolling with the punches, but this pregnancy stuff is throwing me for a loop. And I know it won’t just end with the pregnancy. Today was one of those days that really pounded home the fact that 1. getting to the point where you can give birth to a healthy baby really is a miracle, and 2. the worrying will never end. I will spend the rest of my life worried for this person.

I am now terrified of my appointment tomorrow. I am bracing myself for bad news even though I know that I am most likely just fine. I know that this type of spotting is common this stage in pregnancy. I’ve read plenty of books and articles that say not to worry…but I just can’t not worry.