Well, Fu…dge

If you’ve read even one entry on here, you probably realize that I’m not afraid to throw out an f-bomb from time to time.  Yes, I know I’m guilty of excessive four letter word usage.  However, I swear, since having a baby I have really tried to cut back.  Well, maybe not at first.  I mean, at first he had colic and we moved across the country with a U-Haul, 2 dogs, a cat, a newborn, a 4 year old, and four severely sleep deprived adults, so there were LOTS of obscenities flying out of my mouth then. 

But, as the months went by, we became more conscience of our foul language usage in front of Kendall and at least made an effort to try not to make “fuck” every other word in our conversations.  It was just hard to be diligent when he clearly had so little grasp of language and how to use it.  It’s not like a six month old is going to know any better, right?  Well, as he got older, started crawling, pointing to things we got a little tougher on ourselves, but I can’t say we completely eliminated the word from our vocabularies.

It’s just so fucking useful. Like when that asshole on the toll road decides at the last minute that he needs to get in the farthest open lane so he can speed through the toll pass, and he cuts you off and you see you and your child’s life flash before your eyes – appropriate time to say, “Fuck you you fucking asshole!  Why don’t you quit being such a fucking dickhead driver!”

Another appropriate time to express your irritation with a potpourri of f-bombs?  When you get home from Ikea with a seemingly easy to hang, simple ceiling lamp, and proceed to spend the next 4 hours pulling your hair out and trying not to kill your husband because the stupid Swedish piece of shit won’t hang level. Couples therapy should be sold next to the checkout stands at Ikea (like magazines and gum are at grocery stores).  I bet it would be a great price.

So it was in the midst of trying to get this lamp up last night, while simultaneously trying to not kill each other, that I hear Kendall in the background saying his favorite word, “duck”.  It’s quite cute.  He loves ducks.  He will point to his rubber duckies and say “dck!” and he also correctly labels and identifies the bastard ducks at the pond that still won’t eat anything we throw at them.  And sometimes he will just call anything a duck….and sometimes it just sounds like “uck”…. Fuck.  He is just saying “duck” right?

Kendall is 11 months 3 weeks and 2 days old

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Duck Union Demands Better Wages

Today is the kind of day that the old Rabies-free me would have found some reason to leave the office 45 minutes early (usually some sort of phantom “meeting”), head to my favorite Tapas bar (note- that does not say “topless” bar), stake out a really great patio table and order up a pitcher of fresh Sangria.  I would have stayed until the sun went down, gone home to veg in front of the American Idol results and passed out early.  The next morning I would stress over finding the perfect shirt to hide my new sunburned arms that sneaked up on me while getting my drink on, pretty sure the boss would not believe that my “meeting” was under a heat lamp.

But, since my new boss would never stand for that sort of tomfoolery, and since I certainly can’t drink an entire pitcher of Sangria these days without blacking out, I did the next best thing.  The little boss man and I loaded up the stroller, went for a quick jog, and ended up at the pond with all the ducks.  We visited them once earlier this week and I was completely taken aback by Kendall’s interest in them.  I do believe he was even trying to say “duck”, although it sounded more like “duh” so maybe he was just mocking me.  Today was different, though. We brought duck snacks!  Sure is it was some stale Veggie Booty from a few months ago that I found in the darkest corner of our pantry, but last I checked ducks don’t have the most discriminate palate.

So there we are, hanging out on the side of the pond.  Admittedly, I was stifling the mom horror visions of him somehow slipping from my grip and rolling down the hill into the murky waters 10 feet away, but I got over it by holding him extra tight.  Maybe a little too tight.  I got the bag of Veggie Booty out and Kendall immediately opened his mouth.  “Uhm, no silly.  You JUST ate.  This is icky (said with extra emphasis and silly face for the word “icky”).  Let’s feed the ducks!”  I tossed a handful in their direction, expecting them to clamor over each other for the deliciousness of something that is not stale bread.  They ran for the snacks on cue, but then, as if synchronized, every single one of them STOPPED in their tracks about a foot away, turned around and left them there!  Okay…so let’s try the water.  Maybe they like them soggy?  I toss a hand full out to the pond, a couple waddle to the edge to jump in, but then halt when they see it’s the same stuff.  The few ducks already in the water wanted nothing to do with it.  Have you ever heard of such picky, ungrateful little bastard ducks?!

Of course, the Veggie Booty may not be fine enough fare for the spoiled ducks, but I could barely keep Kendall’s paws off the bag.  Stale, fresh, it’s all the same to him.  So we spread out our blanket under a tree and nommed on some 4 month old Veggie Booty.  The same as Sangria on the patio?  No.  Better.

Kendall is 9 months, 3 weeks and 3 days old.

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